Kylie Minogue's commercial which will never make it to U.S. television because, among other things, she's wearing see-through panties. Zipped .wmv

Dellamorte Dellamore (1994) (aka Cemetery Man)

A couple of years ago, this film was the best answer to a late night barroom discussion topic: "what is the funniest zombie movie ever made?" Some other knowledgeable film buffs might have argued for Dan O'Bannon's "The Return of the Living Dead," but I assume the bar would finally have arrived on this one as its consensus choice.

That was then. Now, of course, the issue is open to further discussion, and I'm pretty sure that the roundtable would drop this film to second in favor of  Shaun of the Dead. I'd have to concede that Dellamorte Dellamore is neither as clever nor as good as Shaun, but it is a fun movie, and a pretty good one as well, although it enjoys the rare distinction of having excellent reviews (63% at Rotten Tomatoes) and a high IMDB score (7.5 with thousands of votes) at the same time that it is also covered by various "worst of all time" web sites like Badmovies.org and Stomp Tokyo.

It is an Italian movie which takes place in Italy, but is in English and stars the suave, handsome British actor Rupert Everett, the guy who wants to be the first gay James Bond. The title literally means "Of Death, Of Love," which carries several possible meanings, most of which will be obvious once I start to tell you what it is about, assuming I ever do get to that point and past my usual digressions. The one sense which is not obvious is that Francesco Dellamorte is also the name of the gravekeeper (the titular Cemetery Man) played by Everett. Ol' Rupe is really not that happy with the fact that he's a gravekeeper named Frank of the Dead, and has always wanted to change his name - to Andy of the Dead.

That will give you an idea of the sense of humor at work in this script.

What, not Shaun?

Frank of the Dead tends the cemetery in Buffalora, a town in Northern Italy, and that's an unexciting position for the most part, except that Dellamorte has one very unusual responsibility. In his territory, the dead always come back to life after seven days, so Frank's real job is to re-kill them by splitting their heads open, thus sending them to their more permanent reward. It certainly seems that it would be more efficient to pulverize their skulls when they are buried the first time, but no such rationale is ever offered.

Things are going along fairly well for Frank until he falls in love with a beautiful widow and decides to have sex with her on her husband's grave. The husband finds this quite offensive, assumes zombiehood, and attacks his unfaithful wife. Frank is able to dispose of him only after the jealous zombie has bitten and killed the sexy widow. (Anna Falchi, she of the mammoth areolae.) Of course, death is only a temporary condition in Buffalora, so Frank waits out the seven days until his beloved returns as a zombie. No, it's not what you're thinking. He kills her so that she can achieve eternal rest. Meanwhile, Frank's assistant, the usual mute and retarded-lookin' gravedigger, falls in love with the mayor's daughter, who promptly dies. Rather than facing the whole cycle of reincarnation and skull-splitting, the mute guy simply cuts off her head, waits seven days, and continues to pursue the relationship with her disembodied head. They have quiet nights at home while he plays some music and she sings.

Up to and including that point it was a weird but still fairly tight and economical little script which stayed reasonably well within its own eccentric rules, but the rest of the film is out there in Salvador Dali land. Frank keeps running into women who look exactly like his beautiful twice-killed widow, strange spirits keep floating through the air, Frank goes on a killing spree and gets jealous when others are blamed for his crimes, and finally ... well, there is an explanation for the strange goings-on, but it's one of those M. Night Shyamalan or Rod Serling surprise endings, and it doesn't really satisfy. Since the film is already about resurrection, it really could have used Graham Chapman to come back from the dead in his military uniform and declare the whole thing "too silly."

If it sounds kind cool to you, you will be extremely impressed by the ingenious gothic cinematography and the bizarre sets. This film may have the general attitude of Shaun of the Dead, but the cemetery scenes have the look of Phantom of the Opera, as filtered through the mind of Orson Welles. The scriptwriter played up the laughs, but the cinematographer handled the project with a certain operatic elegance. It's an odd combination, and an odd movie in general. I can't even make up my mind whether I enjoyed it, but I was certainly impressed with its originality.

The Mambo Kings

Sweet Latin music and an interesting look at the Cuban-American community in New York in the early 1950's highlight this 1992 drama. Although it is slow-paced, lovers of the music will thoroughly enjoy it. Two Cuban brothers who had been playing the club circuit in Havana leave Cuba in 1952 when the younger loses his beloved to the powerful nightclub owner who intends to kill him. In New York, they plan to take over the city's Latin music scene as the Mambo Kings. Of course, things don't go that smoothly. The movie has an interesting bit involving the I Love Lucy TV show, with Desi Arnaz Jr. playing his father, who was known for bringing Cuban musicians onto the show to perform. Another interesting piece of trivia is that Armand Assante, who played the older brother, spoke no Spanish, while Antonio Banderas, who played the younger brother, spoke no English at the time. Both men performed those lines phonetically. The movie movies slowly and methodically, which may bore some, but the music is great and many will also enjoy the performance by Latin superstar Celia Cruz, who is now deceased. None of the nudity is gratuitous, but still adds a little spice. Not everyone's cup of tea, but a movie I enjoyed very much, especially because I remember the 50's, and they did a decent job of representing the period.
Maruschka Detmers	Cathy Moriarty	Valerie McIntosh

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Pat's comments in yellow:

PAT ROBERTSON PROMOTES ASSASSINATION AND HEALTH DRINKS
The Rev. Pat Robertson sparked outrage Monday on "The 700 Club" when he suggested that US covert agents assassinate Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to prevent communists and Islamists from staging attacks on America from there.  He said, "It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war...and I don't think any oil shipments will stop."

*  In fact, he can't think of a single thing objectionable about it!
*  Can't he get his friend God to strike Chavez dead for us?
*  He must've heard that Chavez was gay.


Robertson is also under fire for using his Christian Broadcasting Network to tout the alleged health benefits of his new product, "Pat's Age-Defying Shake."  The concoction of protein powder, safflower oil and vinegar is distributed by GNC health food stores.  One religious media watchdog claims it's an improper use of a tax-exempt religious ministry, but Robertson says he has the right to be involved in
business ventures.

*  And his business ventures don't have to be Kosher.
*  That's why he's launching another new venture, "Pat Robertson's Hit-Squad-For-Hire!"
*  It's not only age-defying, it's tax-deferring!
*  Pat guarantees it will extend the life of anyone except Hugo Chavez.
*  That explains his assassination plan: his brain's getting too much vinegar.



HOW TO TALK YOUR WIFE INTO POLYGAMY
Malaysia's top Islamist leader, Nik Abdul Aziz Nik Mat, is calling on wives not to react violently if their husbands tell them they want to bring home another wife, after two wives threw acid at their husbands when they broke the news.  He said a man who wants to take a second wife must be sensitive to his first wife's feelings, "be tender in his approach," and remember that "a woman's heart is like a glass, very fragile."  He should tell her of the plight of the other women "who would become aged virgins until they die" if it weren't for polygamy.

*  That's right: he is LITERALLY "God's gift to women!"
*  Try telling her how sad that "40-Year-Old Virgin" movie is.
*  Then, if she still says no, beat her like a rented donkey.
*  The husband may then discover that a man's skull is like a glass, very fragile.
*  He's telling men how to talk their wives into a three-way...Is he a religious leader or the Playboy Advisor?




COLLEGE STUDENTS NOT GOOD AT ACTUAL WORK
A study of 400 firms by Britain's Forum of Private Business confirmed that college doesn't always prepare you for work.  Over half of employers said final-year university students who work for them were "average to poor" at literacy, math, time-keeping and taking phone messages.  Three-quarters were "very poor, poor or average" at addressing a letter.  They were described as mediocre at basic skills needed for work, with an "appalling lack of awareness" of the responsibilities of holding a job and an attitude that the world owes them a living.  One boss complained that students came to job interviews in flip-flops with chipped nail polish and "thongs halfway up their backs."

*  And those were the guys!
*  The only thing most of them picked up in college was chlamydia.
*  Hey, they'd wear a suit, if somebody would give them one!
*  The only job they're perfect for is being on a university faculty.
*  As soon as they learn how to read well enough to fill out a welfare form, the world WILL owe them a living.



MAN THREATENS TO CASTRATE ICE CREAM TRUCK DRIVER
Matthew Flynn of West Hartford, Connecticut, was trimming his hedges Sunday evening when an ice cream truck drove down his street.  Police say Flynn ran out in front of it, asked the teenage driver to turn down the loud jingle, and told him not to come back because there are no kids in that neighborhood.  In fact, they led an unsuccessful campaign to ban Mr. Softee trucks in 2002.  Flynn then allegedly brandished his hedge clippers in a chopping motion and told the driver he'd make him less of a man if he didn't turn it down.  He was charged with threatening and a breach of the peace.

*  And threatening to turn the driver into Mr. Softee.
*  The exact threat was, "I scream, YOU scream!"
*  He plans to get off by playing "Turkey In The Straw" to the jury for three hours.


PUBIC HAIR PANTS NOT GREETED WARMLY 
Dolce & Gabbana is under fire over print ads for their new men's jeans that are cut so low, they've been dubbed "pubic pants."  Some media outlets refused to run them because of the unappealing display of male body hair south of the navel.  The San Francisco Chronicle surveyed ad and fashion experts on the look.  Some said they're cutting edge and take a new look at sex appeal.  Others said they're gross and tasteless, that women don't find that patch of hair attractive, that the jeans look very uncomfortable, and that you literally "couldn't get much lower."

*  Until they fall down.
*  The only men who will wear these jeans are plumbers.
*  And men won't get bikini waxes...Only women can stand that much pain.
*  If you think that's bad, you should see them from the back.



TV GENITAL PAINTING ON EBAY 
There's an auction on eBay of a painting from a "Sex & The City" episode in which prim Charlotte (Kristin Davis) agreed to let a famous artist paint her private parts.  The 8-foot, flower-like abstract was made by artist Elizabeth Linn, who gave the producer several to choose from.  The show's construction coordinator got it, gave it to his daughter, who's selling it.  She said, "It's a conversation piece.  It's also a beautiful piece."  At last check, bidding had soared to $3,800.

*  The bidders don't know art, but they know what they like.
*  Squint just right, and it looks like a Georgia O'Keefe.
*  Men find it hypnotic...It just follows you around the room.

 


PUPPET SHOW CREATOR SUES ABC OVER "LOST"
Screenwriter Anthony Spinners is suing ABC and the producers of "Lost" for unspecified damages, claiming they stole his concept.  He says he was hired in 1977 to create a show about airplane crash victims struggling to survive on a jungle island full of strange creatures and dangerous characters.  It was for Sid and Marty Krofft, the puppeteers who produced kid shows such as "Sigmund and the Sea Monsters"
and "H.R. Pufnstuf."

*  Sounds like his version would've been much more realistic
*  Next season, we'll discover that the evil force running the island on "Lost" is Witchy-Poo.
*  He should write a show about screenwriters trying to survive in the Hollywood jungle.



MICHAEL MOORE GOES TO FAT FARM
The New York Post reports that Michael Moore has checked into the $3,800-a-week Pritikin Longevity Center & Spa in Florida,
the "fat farm for the rich," which offers weight loss plus cosmetic procedures such as Botox.  Moore is reportedly in a program that will teach him how to cook healthy meals and exercise, learn a "new approach to eating," and lose up to 12 pounds in three weeks.

*  At that rate, he should be at normal weight by 2040.
*  If we're lucky, they'll Botox his mouth so he can't chew.
*  While he's there, he'll also be shooting an expose on the pampered lifestyles of the obscenely wealthy.




MADONNA MOUNTING
After falling from a horse and suffering several broken bones, Madonna told the Sun newspaper that as soon as doctors give the okay, she'll climb right back in the saddle and start riding again

*.Just like she did when she fell off Dennis Rodman.



BIRTHDAYS
Barbara Eden turns 71 today, although her TV character from "I Dream of Jeannie" was born on April 1, 64 B.C.

*  So Jeannie is actually the same age as Cher.

Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!