The Card Player (2004)

The Card Player is a film which may leave you pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised. It depends on your expectations.

Let's start with a blank slate. Assume you don't know anything about the movie except that it went straight to video. You'll find yourself watching a fairly interesting police procedural with a few touches of mad imagination. It is the usual story of the mundane hard-working police engaged in a battle of wits with an insane super-criminal. In this case, Mr Insane kidnaps women, then contacts the police to play online draw poker, best of five hands. If the police win, the victim goes free. If Mr Insane wins, he slits the victim's throat. For a little extra spice, a sound webcam broadcasts the face of the bound victim to the police station in real time.

Given that assumption, you will find that is a serviceable film to pass the time when you're bored, much like a gazillion other films which you have seen and forgotten. It is similar, for example, to a 2001 film called Hangman, which featured Lou Diamond Phillips. The Card Player obviously seems like a foreign film, not just because it takes place in Italy, but because the minor roles are all dubbed very poorly. On the other hand, the two stars are competent actors who speak English, and they have most of the screen time, so the acting doesn't destroy the fourth wall that often.  Apart from the poor dubbing, the only really weak element of the film is that it spends altogether too much of its running time simply showing the full play of every hand, despite the fact that online poker is not much of a spectator sport. On balance, the story's premise is not very original, and The Card Player is not a good film, but neither it is a very bad one. It's probably better than you expected.

Now let's tinker with your expectations. This time you know in advance that it is a Dario Argento film. Given that you now anticipate certain lurid pleasures from the film, you will find yourself deeply disappointed.

• First of all, it is quite mundane, about as routine as it could possibly be given that it is about an insane super-criminal. No baroque flourishes, no shots from the insane man's POV, no crazy lighting schemes, nothing very operatic.
• Second, it is not very violent. Almost all of the slashing occurs off-camera. When the super-criminal wins the poker hands, he flashes a knife menacingly at the bound victim, whose face is seen in a tiny and blurry window on the computer screen. The victim then drops out of sight, the web cam window becomes blank, and the off-camera woman's screams intensify until they stop entirely.
• Third, there is no significant nudity or gore. There are some naked mutilated corpses, but they are obviously either full-body dummies or women covered with extremely thick prosthetics. There is no time when the corpses seem to be actual human females.

There are a few good moments and interesting minor characters, but it's just not the kind of over-the-top fun that you expect from Argento. It's just a routine run-of-the-mill movie.

The Thing Below (2004)

This film is also known as Sea Ghost.

It's basically the usual grade-B alien creature movie - high-ranking military officers wearing mullets and long sideburns, cops scratching their heads with loaded guns, painted clouds that never move, stock footage of planes taking off, a cartoonish CGI monster, guys at "command center" commenting on the action so we can follow the plot - that sort of thing, all topped off with the usual "The end????" finale.

The alien creature from the sea depths is roughly like some octopus tentacles, except without the pesky attached octopus. It also has the power of mind control like the monster in Event Horizon, so it presents itself to the members of the search team in forms they will allow to get near them. One crew member fancies himself quite the cowboy, so the monster appears to him as The Man With No Name in those Spaghetti Westerns, and challenges him to a showdown in the dusty streets of a deserted Western town. (I assume this set was available for free, so the director didn't want to waste the opportunity.) Although the action takes place far out at sea, ol' Tex never suspects a trap when he finds himself walking around Tombstone circa 1880, and he has no qualms about coming near the fallen gunslinger after the showdown, only to get choked and strangled by tentacles. Another crew member loves porn, so the monster comes to him in the form of the Adult Entertainer of the Year, and lures him near with a sexy striptease. Once again, the crew member illogically believes that she is really there to do a personal hot oil lap dance for him, approaches her, and you can guess the rest. There were other times when the creature took the form of a crew member to gain the trust of another, but the script quickly abandoned that device since it actually made some logical sense.

It's probably easiest just to say The Thing Below is a Jim Wynorski picture, because that's virtually a guarantee of something or another. Ol' Wynorski has made about as many bad films as anyone in history.

1. (4.43) - Deathstalker II (1987) (V)
2. (4.34) - Transylvania Twist (1990)
3. (4.31) - Desert Thunder (1998)
4. (4.27) - Not of This Earth (1988)
5. (4.24) - Chopping Mall (1986)
6. (4.20) - Little Miss Millions (1993)
7. (4.18) - The Lost Empire (1983)
8. (4.10) - Gale Force (2002) (V)
9. (3.99) - Thy Neighbor's Wife (2001)
10. (3.99) - Big Bad Mama II (1987)
11. (3.85) - Against the Law (1997)
12. (3.81) - The Haunting of Morella (1990)
13. (3.80) - Sins of Desire (1993)
14. (3.79) - Gargoyles (2004) (V)
15. (3.79) - Lost Treasure (2003)
16. (3.77) - Sorority House Massacre II (1990)
17. (3.68) - The Bare Wench Project (2000)
18. (3.68) - Militia (2000)
19. (3.67) - Body Chemistry 4: Full Exposure (1995) (V)
20. (3.67) - Ablaze (2001)
21. (3.67) - Hard Bounty (1995)
22. (3.66) - Victim of Desire (1995)
23. (3.60) - Demolition High (1996)
24. (3.60) - Sorceress (1995)
25. (3.60) - The Bare Wench Project 2: Scared Topless (2001) (V)
26. (3.60) - The Return of Swamp Thing (1989)
27. (3.52) - Dinosaur Island (1994)
28. (3.47) - Munchie (1992)
29. (3.47) - Point of Seduction: Body Chemistry III (1994) (V)
30. (3.46) - The Curse of the Komodo (2004)
31. (3.45) - Hard to Die (1990)
32. (3.44) - The Assault (1996)
33. (3.35) - Stealth Fighter (1999)
34. (3.28) - Project Viper (2002)
35. (3.26) - Vampirella (1996) (V)
36. (3.25) - Virtual Desire (1995)
37. (3.24) - Rangers (2000) (V)
38. (3.22) - The Pandora Project (1998)
39. (3.20) - Sea Ghost (2004)
40. (3.19) - Final Voyage (1999)
41. (3.17) - Munchie Strikes Back (1994)
42. (3.14) - 976-EVIL 2: The Astral Factor (1991)
43. (3.12) - Crash Point Zero (2000)
44. (3.12) - Cheerleader Massacre (2003) (V)
45. (3.05) - The Wasp Woman (1995) (TV)
46. (2.83) - Storm Trooper (1998)
47. (2.77) - Agent Red (2000)
48. (2.55) - Raptor (2001) (V)
49. (2.34) - Ghoulies IV (1994)

Is that a filmography, or what? Let me put that list into perspective.

• Jess Franco is sometimes cited as a candidate when people evaluate the worst director of all time. Franco has been directing for 48 years, and has 184 directing credits at IMDb. In all that time, he has only 11 movies rated below 4.0 at IMDb, and none below 3.0. Wynorski has been directing for 20 years, and has already accumulated 41 movies below 4.0, of which four of them are beneath 3.0.

• Ed Wood's median lifetime score is 3.2 for eleven rated films. John Derek's is 3.0 for five films. Wynorski's median is somewhat higher at 3.6 - but he has sustained that level for 49 rated films.

• Here's another way to look at it. Plan 9 from Outer Space is rated 3.5, about equal to Wynorski's career median, so his career is roughly Plan 9 times 49, which is Plan 441 if my math is right.

• Wynorski's highest rated movie (Deathstalker II, which I like) is scored higher than the others because it is outrageously and self-deprecatingly bad, not because it is good.

• Since 1998, Wynorski has made only one movie rated above 4.0. He has never made a movie rated higher than 4.5.

So you see what Wynorski's general standard is, right? Well, Sea Ghost is so bad that Wynorski disowned it!!!

To be fair, I don't agree with this film's low ranking within the Wynorski canon. This movie is not good in the sense that it will steal any Oscar nominations, but is reasonably good by the standard of grade-B straight-to-vids and is not immediately recognizable as an amateurish or low-budget effort. In fact, it actually could have been one of Wynorski's better films. On DVD it looks like a real movie with a decent budget (the actual budget was $1.5 million), and the acting is at least generally competent, if uninspired. Of course, this kind of film can only be so good, but given the inherent natural ceiling imposed by low budget alien creature films in general, it really could have been OK - except for one thing:

Worst ... CGI ... ever.

The creature looks about as real as Pete's Dragon, but not as scary. That is the reason why Wynorski disavowed the final cut.

On the other hand, even bad CGI monsters are better than a rubber octopus or some guy wearing a Halloween monster suit, so it isn't really fair that this film is rated below Plan 9 or Bride of the Monster. It's not an outright abomination, but just a basic straight-to-vid creature feature which got destroyed by bad CGI effects.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Pat's comments in yellow:

FEDS NAB CROOKS AT FAKE WEDDING
Ball And Chain - Dozens of wedding guests boarded a yacht docked off Atlantic City for an elaborate formal wedding, only to find it was really an FBI sting.  The bride and groom were undercover agents who had lived among them for seven years, investigating an Asian-US smuggling ring.  The FBI staged the wedding ceremony just to arrest the 87 guests, which also led to the seizure of $4.4 million in counterfeit $100 bills; $700,000 in fake postage stamps; over a billion counterfeit cigarettes; a large quantity of methamphetamines, ecstasy and Viagra; and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of knock-off designer jeans.

*  ...And 87 toasters.
*  Too bad the wedding was fake; sounds like they brought some great gifts.
*  Does the bride still have to write thank-you notes?
*  Martha Stewart planned the wedding, as part of her community service.
*  But all the loot they seized still didn't cover the cost of the wedding.



PET SEX MOTEL CATERS TO ANIMAL ATTRACTION
Las Ultimas Noticias reports that some entrepreneurs in Sao Paulo, Brazil, have opened the Pet Love Motel, a sex motel for pets.  Like
human versions, the rooms are decorated with cushions, satin sheets and ceiling mirrors.  A spokesperson said, "Pets have needs, and they also want some excitement."

* Doing it doggy-style isn't exciting enough?
*  Their spokesperson: Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog.
*  If you bring a parakeet, he'll just have sex with the bird in the ceiling mirror.
* Also like the human sex motels, it's where you go to get a little tail from some bitch in heat.
*  If you think your dog gets excited about a car trip NOW...



FOOTBALL TEAMS FACE PINK LOCKER ROOM
To intimidate and emasculate football opponents, the University of Iowa painted the visiting teams' locker room at Kinnick Stadium pink all over: walls, carpet, ceiling, toilet stalls, commode seats and even the urinals.  Des Moines Register columnist Sean Keeler said it's like "Barbie's Dream House on acid, a pastel nightmare. You feel naked without a little dog in one arm and a handbag in the other."

*  It's a locker room...They ARE naked!
*  Oops, they forgot to take the urinals out!... Never mind: after 10 minutes in there, they all pee sitting down.
*  One team went in there, and the quarterback quit to become a Mary Kay representative.
*  The moral: never let Paris Hilton design your locker room.
*  Of course, they could overreact and take even more steroids.


MAN FAKES KIDNAPING TO AVOID MARRIAGE
Police in Guatemala charged a 25-year-old man with wasting their time with a false report after he disappeared on his wedding day, then showed up three hours too late for the ceremony, claiming he'd been kidnaped.  Police said they discovered he'd lied "to escape the
wedding, poor bride."

*  He's now begging the judge to sentence him to protective custody.
*  He had to choose between two prisons, and at least this one gives him time off for good behavior.
*  He and the Runaway Bride should get together, then jilt each other.



JITTERBUGGING NUN REPRIMANDED 
Belgian nun Johanne Vertommen was reprimanded by her mother superior after news photos of her at the Catholic Youth Day celebration in Germany were printed.  She was dancing with a missionary, and in one photo, she was flying up in the air jitterbug style, while in another, she was hanging on with her legs wrapped around him.  She was in a crowd of 700,000, including the Pope.  The nun explained, "I wouldn't do this at home, but at such occasions I get carried away by the enthusiasm of the group."

*  From now on, she'll do all her dancing in the missionary position.
*  And now, 700,000 people know that nuns don't wear panties.
*  This is why Baptists don't have sex standing up: it could lead to dancing.
*  She may quit the convent and join the road company of "Nunsense."


ALI G TACKLES PAM
British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, best known for playing Ali G, pulled a stunt that backfired on the beach in Malibu.  In his guise as foreign TV reporter Borat, he came out of the water on an inflatable turtle and knocked Pamela Anderson to the sand with a flying rugby tackle.  Her security men grabbed him and dragged him back into the water.  Pam was reportedly on the beach to preside over a wedding ceremony for her two dogs, Star the golden retriever and Luca the Chihuahua.

*  For Luca's sake, let's hope he's the male.
*  Doesn't he know it's not funny to interrupt a sacred religious ceremony?
*  Pam tried to dodge him, but when she's on a beach, she runs in slow motion.
*  Know what would be really funny?  If the security guys had dragged him back into the water and held him under for awhile.



NEVER PICK UP COURTNEY LOVE
The New York Post reports that journalist Neil Strass is writing a book about pick-up artists, and he used the techniques he'd learned to pick up Courtney Love while interviewing her for Rolling Stone.  It worked too well: a few days later, she said her car was repossessed and asked to move into the house he was sharing with some pick-up instructors.  She allegedly swore at a dog, threatened to punch a
roommate, used his toothbrush, sat in on a pick-up class topless to offer her own tips, and woke Strauss up at 2:20 a.m. holding a Prada shoe and saying, "Let's redecorate the house!  This will be our hammer!"

*  You guessed it: she was hammered.
*  After watching Courtney Love, all the men in the pick-up class decided to turn gay.
*  He's now trying to learn some expert techniques for getting Courtney Love out of his house.



ROCK STAR BODY PARTS
Spin magazine listed the 25 "most incredible" rock star body parts, including Michael Stipe's skull, Elvis' pelvis, Gene Simmons' tongue, Tina Turner's legs, 50 Cent's chest, Bruce Springsteen's butt and Tommy Lee's manhood.  Topping the list was Madonna's navel, and at #2, Keith Richards' liver.  Spin said Keith's liver tissue is so indestructible that when he dies, they'll line the exterior of the space shuttle with it.

*  Along with the lining of Whitney Houston's nose.
*  Put them all together, and you have the new lead singer for INXS.
*  Failing to make the list: Britney Spears' cellulite, Elton John's hair and Courtney Love's brain.


 

CLINTON SOLVES POVERTY PROBLEM!
Bill Clinton is hosting a three-day "Clinton Global Initiative" in Manhattan to help come up with solutions to global poverty.  Attendance
costs $15,000 a person.

* My suggestion for ending poverty: get a bunch of suckers to give you $15,000 each.

OBESITY NEWS ROUNDUP
The CDC's 2005 Obesity Report claims that 25 percent of Americans are now obese, and 40 percent are overweight.  Every state posted weight gains except, for some reason, Oregon.  Critics admitted obesity is a problem, but questioned the methods, saying the CDC classifies anyone slightly heavier than the standard for their height as obese, even muscular athletes.

*  Like sumo wrestlers.
*  Athletes are heavy, but they have no fat: their bodies are 90 percent muscle and 10 percent steroids.
*  Every place but Oregon, they conducted the polling at WalMart.
*  Remember when the big worry in America was that children might go to bed hungry?


Dr. Terry Bennett of Rochester is being investigated by the New Hampshire attorney general for bluntly telling a patient she was fat.  He says it's his standard lecture to all obese patients: that she can't get healthier by seeing doctors but only by losing weight.  The woman complained, and officials will now decide if he was "inflammatory and degrading."  Bennett said he didn't mean to offend, he just told her the truth.  Other formerly obese patients defended him.  One said she was furious at first, too, and stormed to her car, then realized he was only the messenger.
 

*  She realized it when she couldn't fit into her SUV.
*  And you know what they say: "Don't eat the messenger."
*  She refused to believe she's fat, even though he took out a tongue depressor and she demanded one with a Fudgesicle on it.
*  He told her she was fat, she demanded a second opinion, and he said, "Okay, you're ugly, too."
*  He said being blunt is the only way to get it through their fat heads.

Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!