L. A. Story (1991) was also written by Steve Martin, and followed Roxanne. It is a comic homage to LA and a romantic comedy which worked for me on both levels. Martin is a comedy TV weatherman. He tapes a weekend forecast in advance figuring the LA weather never changes, and a freak rainstorm costs him his job. Meanwhile, he discovers that his girlfriend has been sleeping with his agent for three years, then meets Sarah Jessica Parker who is much younger than him and has an affair. Enter the true love of his life (and his then real life wife), Victoria Tennant. My own time spent in LA probably added to my enjoyment of the film. I grew up to the same weather report nearly every morning: "Night and early morning low clouds and scattered fog giving way to hazy sunshine by mid-morning. The high today will be 72, with an overnight low of 64. Light to moderate eye irritation."

The film is packed with jokes, some of them very subtle. In an early scene Martin gets up, gets in his car, and drives three houses to his girlfriend's house. It would be easy to miss the first time through, but it is true. Nobody walks in LA. They have a park for stationary bicycles. Martin waits in line at an ATM. There is a second line of robbers. After Martin gets his cash, a robber approaches and says,"Hi, I'm Bruce, and I'll be your robber tonight."

Memorable quotes:

Martin to his girl friend: "I could never be a woman. If I were, I would do nothing but sit at home all day playing with my breasts."

Martin to his girl friend: "That's exactly like licking a shag carpet." (about a health food drink which later kills the plant Martin pours it into).

Martin to group: "When I see a painting like this I get emotionally erect."

Martin to SanDeE*: "Sandy, your breasts feel weird."
SanDeE*: "Oh, that's because their real."

The DVD transfer is very good. I would have liked to see a commentary from Martin, but the making of featurette and production notes almost made up for it. Nudity is provided by Cheryl Baker, who is in a changing room with the door ajar. Parker shows a lot of cleavage and some pokies. IMDb readers have this at 6.8 of 10. This, and another Steve Martin film, Mixed Nuts, are among my favorite romantic comedies. This may say more about the way I am bent than the quality of the film. C+.

"Sweet November" is a remake of a 1968 movie with Anthony Newley and Sandy Dennis, which I've never seen, primarily because of a medically unexplained allergy to both Anthony Newley and Sandy Dennis. Or maybe I have seen it, but I seem not to have any memories of the entire year of 1968, a condition which I believe to be related to the ingestion of preventative glaucoma medication. 

Look, let me be honest here. I don't like weepy-ass dyin' woman movies, and I don't like "kooky woman brings new dimension to the life of uptight asshole" movies. I've never seen one of either that I could stand, and this is both, so watching it was an excruciatingly painful experience, and I spent a lot of time talking back to the TV, and occasionally throwing things at it.

Back in college, I once beat a guy senseless just because he liked "The Sterile Cuckoo". He was a great guy, a good friend, and if he had survived the beating he probably would have discovered a cure for cancer or overpopulation, but there are some things a man just has to do. I couldn't allow somebody with kooky-woman-likin' genes to breed, could I? The police investigated, and at first declared it a great tragedy, but when I told them the reason, they ended up giving me one of those special Mayor's awards for cleaning up the city. They covered it up in the press by saying the guy was a war criminal, and I had brought him to justice.

Which, in a sense, was true.

Well this movie IS "The Sterile Cuckoo", cross-bred with "Love Story", and then overlaid with the offbeat friends from "Four Weddings and a Funeral".

 I am not kidding when I say it has ALL of the following:

1. a cute puppy who softens the heart of a real scrooge.

2. a bravely dyin' woman.

3. a kooky woman who brings new life to an uptight guy with a Type-A personality

4. a wide-eyed little boy desperate for an adult man to be his surrogate dad.

5. the de rigueur zany but compassionate transvestite neighbors

Honest to God, they got every one of those in the same movie. The only item missing from the "flagrant appeals for sympathy" is Nazis. Thankfully, Charlize Theron did not defeat any Nazis at any time during the course of this film, but I'm sure that is only because the writer never thought to make the evil Frank Langella character a former SS officer. He was certainly one-dimensional and arrogant enough!

Bubba, unless you have a predilection for this kind of stuff, this is a bad as it gets. It is just about as blatantly insincere and contrived as a syrupy Hollywood chick-flick can be.

And yet, I have mixed feelings about the movie. It is so obviously churned out by the Hollywood assembly line as a mass-manufactured product, yet it does throw its heart in the right place. It is not mean or violent, and its only message is that we should love more, and bring the people we love closer to us. It's really hard, even for a scrooge like me,  to be completely mean to anyone with a message so naively gentle in an all too cynical world.

Score: C-

Note: With this score,  I have tried to distinguish between what I like and what others might like. The film is false, but you may have some tolerance for that. You might like "kooky chick and uptight guy" movies. You might even like weepy-ass dyin' woman movies. If you do, this one has solid production values, beautiful locales, and capable stars.

• Charlize Theron (1, 2, 3). According to Charlize and Keanu, they did a bathtub sex scene that they were very proud of because it was genuine and emotional. Unfortunately, it was chopped to get a PG-13 rating, and there are no deleted scenes on the DVD, so that footage may be lost forever. The only remaining nudity consists of these three accidental appearances of Charlize's breasts - each lasting as little as two frames - therefore pretty much unnoticeable without stop-motion.

OTHER CRAP:

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Lust: The Movie was made in 1997, or 1998 or maybe even 1999. Point is: it was made. Tried to be a comedy, something like Dream On. Even got an actor who looks a little like Brian Benben. Made the whole thing seem like an online fantasy, in the days when laptops were big and clunky and wireless was still a fantasy-- but our hero still manages to call up all forms of moving images while wired to nothing. Well ahead of the curve, this movie.

Nothing about it is very funny. And the attempts to render virtual reality as images with a bad halo 'round them is just plain annoying. All would have been lost had I grabbed this mama for its comedic value. That was not the case. 'Stead, I got it because Scorpion capped it a looong time ago and there was Blake Pickett... who I love as a brunette and tolerate as a blonde... lolling around in front of the gynocam.

Now that is something. Blake, who goes by many other names, was a VJ on the Nashville channel and had some modelling things going on, so to see her in the altogether woulda been worth the cost, even if it were only for a frame a two.

It's not. Blake is teetotally naked for about ten minutes, with her furry bits on camera for half that time. Some real closeups, too, but blocked expertly in that case so that you see the fur but not the holiest of holies. Oh to see what the cameraman saw.

And that's not all. Lust: The Movie has a complete lineup of late 90's B movie gals. We got your Tane McClure, your Gabriella Hall, your Tamara Landry, your Monique Parent and best of all, we got your Kim Dawson. Gabriella's is a single B performance, Tane's a double B, but the others: triple B all the way.

This movie is also something of a lesson in robohooterness. Gabriella and Kim are naturals. And why not? Or rather, why mess with perfection? The others are surgically enhanced, with varying degrees of obviousness to it all. But none of them is laughable. In fact, Tamara is a walking advertisement for her own plastic and reconstructive dude, because if your gonna have it done, you might as well look like Tamara when it's all over. So it's not the augmentation, per se, that pisses me off: it's the descent into the ridiculous that some gals take. In this movie, ridiculous is avoided.

But I digress. Lust: The Movie is in no danger of being remembered for it's wit or style. If you're after funny or compelling or intriguing, look elsewhere. if'n you're after hooters and bums and a whole lot o' bush, however; this is the place for you. My only complaint is that the movie appears to come only in the ancient form of storage, called videotape. This one cries out for a first-rate DVD.

The exposure run-down:

Blake Pickett: Nine collages. Hooters in 1, 2, 4 and 6. Bum in 5. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge in 3 and 6-9; you just gotta see 7 & 8.

• Blake Pickett (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Gabriella Hall: a single collage of her all-natural hooties. She plays a virtual lap-dancer.

• Gabriella Hall

Kim Dawson: her own, all-natural mighty-fine's in all four collages, with some fur showing in 1 and 2.

• Kim Dawson (1, 2, 3, 4)

Monique Parent plays a secretary, seduced by a one-foot-tall guy who plays a piano (a foot-long pianist, ya see) and settles for our hero before his boss finds them and fires him. I think. It was all so confusing. Full-frontal in collages 1 and 2, single frame of her mini in 3 and Monique all dolled up in leather with handcuffs in 4.

• Monique Parent (1, 2, 3, 4)

Tamara Landry also plays a virtual lapdancer. Full frontal in collage 1, hooters and bum in 2, hooters only in 3.

• Tamara Landry (1, 2, 3)

And last up is Tane McClure. Robohooters in all 3. A bit o' bum in the last.

• Tane McClure (1, 2, 3)

Bliss: episode Three
The final installment of season two. This episode is about a threesome but unfortunately not two girls and a guy. It would have been better if it was called "Four" and included her sister Tamara Podemski (who showed skin in Johnny Greyeyes).

• Jennifer Podemski: boobs and butt getting sandwiched by two guys.

Hunger: episode Skin Deep
From the Smoke, Mirrors and Paranoia DVD collection.

• Kim Feeney: nude lesbian sex scene in her second Hunger episode.
• Sarain Boylan: robo-hooters in lesbian sex scene.
• Kate Vernon: all tied up.

"Mambo Italiano" (2003)
Comedy about being Italian and gay. Newfie actress and comedian Mary Walsh (This Hour Has 22 Minutes) was dreadfully miscast as a Sicilian mother. No male or female nudity.

• Claudia Ferri: nipple pokies, downblouse.
• Mary Walsh: cougar country.
• Sophie Lorain: nice cleavage, fully clothed sex scene.
• Tara Nicodemo: cleavage.
• Victoria Sanchez: cleavage.

"Ginger Snaps II: Unleashed" (2004)
Sequel to Ginger Snaps but with Katharine Isabelle in a only a small role leaving Emily Perkins to carry the movie. The highlight/lowlight is a dream sequence with all the female inmates masturbating (hands in pants only). No nudity except for Emily Perkins sitting nude on toilet showing partial breasts.

• Emily Perkins: nude on toilet, panty crotch shot, masturbating.
• Katharine Isabelle: cleavage only
• Tatiana Maslany: sort of lesbian undertones.
• Janet Kidder: tight t-shirt.
• Pascale Hutton: tight t-shirt, masturbating.
• Lydia Lau: masturbating.
• various: uncredited actresses masturbating.

"Criminal Instinct: The Wandering Soul Murders"
Third installment in the Joanne Kilborn series starring Wendy Crewson. For sweater fans only.

• Joanne Vannicola: bra-less pokies.
• Wendy Crewson: tight t-shirt.
• Robin Brule: very sexy but dead.
• Cynthia Gibb: very sexy.
• Jennifer Podemski: legs.
• Kerry McPherson: sexy only.

"It Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time" (1975)
Early John Candy comedy with Isaac "Chef" Hayes. Some cuts have more nudity of Ann Marie Sten. Canadian scoopsters may remember her as the Canadian socialite who scored big by marrying a famous banker only to have earlier nude modeling photographs surface showing her full frontal.

• Stephanie Powers: partial breast.
• Anne Marie Sten: breast, full dorsal.
• Moya Fenwick: cleavage.

"Terminal Invasion" (2002)
Sci-fi thriller which seems to take place on the set of the old tv series Wings with Star Trek DS9's Chase Masterson playing a babe helicopter pilot. The highlight of the movie is at the x-ray scanner when Sarah Lafleur's nipples quickly stood to attention through her thick sweater.

• Chase Masterson: cleavage.
• Dylan Bierk: legs, cleavage.
• Sarah Lafleur: pokies, pokies, pokies!

"Dead Silent" (1999)
Dreadful Rob Lowe thriller. He should have stuck to home movies.

• Catherine Mary Stewart: tight t-shirt.
• Tara Girard: breasts by one-timer actress.

Cleaning up my hard drive....

• Catherine Mary Stuart: showing very little in "Night of the Comet".
• Kim Feeney: very sexy in "Ultimate Weapon".
• Stacy Grant: cleavage in an episode of Madison.
• Joely Collins: tight t-shirt in an episode of Madison.
• Kate Vernon: bra-less pokies in "Chained Heat"

Judge for yourself. Possible Neve toplessness. It's from a flash-trailer, so the quality is stone-age, looks like the good old nucscans.