Uncle Scoopy's Fun House

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Friday

This is from the Sun in the UK: "MODEL Christina Preston was given 24 hours to live when her breast "exploded" after a £6,000 operation to boost her B cup to DD. Christina, 20, who used star Pamela Anderson's U.S. surgeon, is now left with just a nipple where her right breast used to be. Yesterday she wept as she told how her career as a £5,000-a-week glamour model has been shattered. Christina, of Teignmouth, South Devon, said: "I was back at my partner's home four days after the op when I suddenly felt the most excruciating pain I have ever felt in my life. "I was in horrendous agony, but luckily my boyfriend was there to rush me to hospital." Her right breast was swollen with fluid and exploded, oozing blood.Christina looked down to see three holes in her breast from which the implant was hanging. British surgeons tried to repair the damage, but it was too late. Christina said: "They sewed me back together, but discovered an infection was eating through my body." She was in and out of hospitals for six weeks, but the infection became so bad doctors said last week she had only a day to live if they did not remove the breast. Devastated Christina, who has a two-year-old son, had no option but to have the operation. She said: "I'm physically sick when I look at my breast and I can't stop crying. "I was an attractive girl, but now I've only a nipple where my breast was. I'm on morphine because the pain is so severe. I think this will affect my relationship, and where I earned £5,000 for a week's work now I'm on £62-a-week income support." Doctors told the model, who saved for five years for the career-boosting op, that surgeon Dr Anthony Griffin, had used a new technique of glueing her breast back together rather than using stitches. They are probing whether any tube in her breast failed to drain a dangerous fluid build-up. Christina said: "I arrived at the hospital in the morning, had the op in the afternoon and was discharged an hour after the operation. It was so quick. If it wasn't for Derriford Hospital I wouldn't be here." Dr Griffin could not be contacted.

This is an actual ad from a paper in Little Rock, Arkansas. It's no wonder Clinton turned out the way he did.

The Flemish Network

Yesterday's loquaciousness must have rubbed off on the contributors, because a few submitted some commentary on either their pics or my thoughts from yesterday. I'll interweave my commentary here into that of ICMS. His is great, but it reminds me of something I touched on yesterday. Anyway, here are his thoughts on this picture: "German actress Annett Kruschke in an episode of Polizeiruf 110. In the collage you see her cavorting stark naked through the woods near a rest area along a German autobahn. In one image you see her sneaking up on a guy who is responding to a call of nature (one can't even pee quietly nowadays). Later on he takes her in his car, and delivers her in front of her house. Just before his death her boyfriend tries to get a grip on things. The whole nude scene in the woods near the Parkplatz was in fact a setup for murdering her boyfriend. By the way, Scoopy, you've probably noticed yourself that all German rest areas along the autobahn have the same name : they're all called Parkplatz bitte sauber halten" Now this is me, Scoopy, talking again. ICMS is making a joke, of course. His German quotation is the equivalent in AmericaSpeak of "Please keep the rest area clean". It is a coincidence that this quote reminds me of my famous bimbo girlfriend that I mentioned yesterday, "the Babe Ruth of Blowjobs". Since she looks like Lisa Kudrow, I'll refer to her as Lisa, although that is not her name. Lisa and I were riding on the Autobahn and she came up with this astute observation "It's amazing that I never heard of Ausfahrt. It must be a really big city because there are so many exits for it". (In this context, Ausfahrt is the German word for exit). One more story. This time we're in Vienna and Lisa asks a waiter where we can purchase a ticket for the "einbahn", because it seems to go everywhere. "Einbahn" is the Austrian equivalent of "One way street" in America. Vienna is filled with them. However, Lisa was thinking it was some kind of train because many "train" words in German end in "bahn" - "Strassenbahn", "Schnellbahn", "U-bahn". The poor waiter was totally lost, especially with me falling out of my chair with laughter. These things really happened. That girl was a piece of work.

Francesca Neri in the Spanish-Italian film "Dispara". Scoop's note: this movie is known as "Outrage" in English, is out on DVD, and features Antonio Banderas as a nerdy reporter. Banderas actually shows some acting ability in this movie, and some additional facial expressions beyond the one or two we have seen in his Hollywood career. The movie is about a circus sharpshooter who is raped by some thugs. She hunts them down and slays them. Here's a tip for you criminal youngsters: if you are going to do something violent and non-lethal, try not to make your victim a professional marksman.

A special treat for FR. I've noticed he sent you vidcaps of that rather voluptuous actress from that alleged comedy series, Boerenkrijg. This takes place place during the French occupation in 1798. Some Flemish peasants thought they could drive the French army out of Flanders. Boy, were they wrong. The other female lead role in that series is played by Fania Sorel who showed considerably more a couple of years ago. I guess FR is from Belgium too? Scoop's note: I think FR is Dutch. He probably just sneaks down into Belgium when his waffle addiction kicks in. You know those crazy Dutch guys. They cross the border, get a motel with cable TV, and have a three day orgy watching The Flemish Network and gorging on chocolates, waffles, and mussels. When they are crazy from the rich food, they commit mysterious criminal acts, and leave behind only those wooden footprints and the faint aroma of Gouda.

There is no dedicated ICMS site, but his work is introduced in the Fun House, and 100% of it is archived in the back issues. Search for "ICMS" or "Flemish" with the search function in the back issues. We have more than a year of back issues, plus the rasslin' babes site, the fakes, the Fun House, the Encyclopedia, and the Mardi Gras pics. Click here to sign up, log in, or get info

The Devil You Say

The Devil has been rather busy lately. The furnaces have been broken in hell, and you know it is so hard to get decent repair work at a reasonable price. So the whole place started to ice up. I knew that because I watched a couple minutes of Rosie O'Donnell, and I said I'd never do that until hell froze over. Luckily, His Satanic Majesty was able to get to Texas in time, and therefore back to his natural climate. In his spare time he was able to send us this picture and the following commentary: "I have to say I enjoyed your commentary on the 60's today. I probably enjoy your comments every day as much as the pictures. But onto this submission... It's Nicole Kidman from Eyes Wide Shut (Tom Cruise' imaginary flashbacks of her infidelity, actually), and it's the first time I've ever tried to cap from an .asf file. I'm going to do some more from this movie, as well as trying my hand at The Thomas Crowne Affair, but let me tell you, ASF requires a lot more work than straight vid-capping. The collage itself I think is fairly indicative of the film. To wit: surreal and somewhat pointless. I have to admit I was rather disappointed in Mr. Kubrick and I hope people won't point to this flick as the culmination of his life's work. That said, it's still Nicole Kidman. The next couple that I do from this will be more "traditional" looking, and contain a lot more skin.

Color of Night

This is a barely watchable film, wasting an interesting and surprisingly nuanced performance from Bruce Willis. But the flim is cliched and too long, made even longer by the fact that it hinges on a disguise that doesn't work. If you know Jane March is in the movie, you recognize her immediately when she appears in disguise. She has a mouth and teeth that are completely distinctive. So, that's about 10 minutes into the movie, and the remaining 129 minutes consist of the filmmaker revealing the secret to you . The movie also includes a couple of real continuity blunders. At group therapy, all of the patients find out from a photograph that they have the same girlfriend (Jane March). We also know that the murderer is a member of the group. Therefore, unless Jane March (in disguise) has an explanation for why she doesn't have the same girlfriend, it will be immediately obvious who is the killer. What happens? March in disguise picks up the photo of March as a woman, and the camera cuts away - no explanation. When they resume the discussion in the same office with the police lieutenant, Richie (March) is simply gone from the scene, without explanation. Nobody looks around to say "where's Richie"? The whole friggin thing makes no sense. Here is the photograph, and a capture of Jane in the bathtub with a toy tank on her crotch.

Another ludicrous scene. Someone is stalking Willis in a car. Willis parks on the floor of a parking garage and walks out. The stalker is on the roof of the garage in one car, and pushes another car down on to Willis. What? Wait a minute. How could the stalker see where Willis was going to be six floors below, and know when he was going to be there? It was another scripting loophole. Here's one more frame of the bathtub scene.

It isn't shown in any of these captures, but I guess the most famous thing about this movie is that it features lots of footage of the Bruce Willie. They trimmed it from the theatrical release, but the DVD has every frame of Willis Dick you could ever hope for. Here's the scene, but focusing on Jane instead.

Here's Jane and Bruce above water. Sorry, I kinda went nuts with the special effects to make these two frames look like they were in the same scene.

Here's Jane and Bruno in the shower

Here's Jane in another disguise as Leslie Anne Warren's lesbian seductress.

a well-known scene of Jane cooking naked, save for an apron.