The Name of the Rose (1986) is another film distributed on unobtainium. There is a German Pal VHS version, and a region free Brazilian DVD distribution. I was lucky enough to get a copy of the region free Brazilian release, but it was very dark and grainy. There is a new Italian Region 2 PAL release with improved image quality.Audio tracks include both Italian and English. There is a second DVD, containing a making of special, but it is only in Italian. The film was a critical flop in the US (Maltin, 2 stars and Ebert, 2 1/2), and was also a box office flop in the US. It was, however, a smash hit in Europe, and most of the rest of the world, and garnered many awards in Europe. Why? It is a European sort of film. The pace is leisurely, the tone is dark, the locations perfect, and the story is complex, and is not spoon fed to the viewer. IMDB readers have it at 7.6/10, with most of the comments coming from European readers.

Sean Connery stars as Brother William of Baskerville, a Franciscan who has come to a Benedictine monastery in Italy for a debate among Benedictines, Franciscans and Papal delegates as to whether the clergy should take vows of poverty or not. The Franciscans favor helping the poor, the rest believe in helping themselves. As the year is 1347, we are literally taken to the Dark Ages, and one of the darkest periods in Catholicism. The Inquisition is in full swing, and most books are kept in hiding by Monasteries because they conflict with Catholic doctrine. Connery, we later learn, has a history with the Grand Inquisitor, and is the Sherlock Holmes of the religious set, being both brilliant, and more enlightened than his peers.

When he arrives at the monastery (actually Kloster Erbach in Germany), there has been a mysterious death that is being attributed to the devil. He is called upon the solve the mystery. With him is a young protege, who is the narrator of the story, and plays Watson to his Sherlock. I am going to strongly recommend this film, so don't wish to give away any plot details. The mystery story line alone would sustain this film, and has plenty of twists and turns, but there are also many intertwined themes, mostly about excesses of the church, including homosexuality, surreptitious sex with a local peasant girl in exchange for food, murder, heresy, burning at the stake, hoarding knowledge, and economic oppression of the common folk.

Connery's young charge has a sexual encounter with an attractive peasant girl, Valentina Vargas, who shows everything in very dark scenes. The film is very moody, and is darkly lit, which is appropriate to the dark ages, but makes for difficult capping. The film also stars Christian Slater. There was not a flat performance anywhere in this film, the costumes were appropriate, the location perfect, and the art direction top notch. The film didn't just explain the Dark Ages, it took us there.

IMDB list the film under its German name, Der Name der Rose. It also saw major releases in France and Italy. It was made for $20m. and only grossed $7.2m in its US release, but did a very respectable $77.2m worldwide. I strongly recommend this film to anyone who isn't completely opposed to the genre. Some familiarization with Catholic history makes the film more enjoyable and understandable. This is a C+. If you like this sort of film, you should love this one.

Prozac Nation (2001)

Hell with the movie. Christina Ricci naked.

• Collages (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Movie (.avi in DIVX format)
• The trailor for Prozac Nation at apple.com

Harnessing Peacocks (1993)

This is a classic woman's romance novel, in convenient British TV-movie format.

Hebe is the beautiful daughter of a rich English couple. When she gets pregnant by a masked stranger at a costume ball in Italy, she is determined to have the baby. Her family casts her out of their lives.

In the course of the next dozen years, she supports herself by cooking for old rich ladies.

Well, actually, not just that.

To tell you the truth, she makes most of her money by sucking ... um ... peacocks. But she's not a prostitute. Oh, no. She's the mistress of very wealthy, shy men, and she leads them on the correct path to sexual prowess, which then brings out their extreme gratitude. But she's not a hooker. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But she's not a 'tute. Nosiree. She just makes a lot of money by smoking the White Owl ... er ... Peacock , which is very different from prostitution. Her profession is absolutely not prostitution, but rather "peacock harnessing", which is completely legal in England, where they abhor an unharnessed cock of any kind, pea or otherwise.

One summer, a mysterious antiques dealer takes an interest in her. He seems to know who she is and about her past. How can that be?

Are you ready for this?

SPOILERS COMING:

He is the guy from the masked ball in Venice. He's the father of her son. He falls in love with her, they live happily ever after, and his peacock is the only one she will be harnessing.

It has to be the most boring and predictable thing I've watched in months, but I'm not a member of the target demographic, and I guess it has its audience, as shown in the IMDb summary (men 5.1, women 8.8 !!!!). There is one good reason for men to to watch. Find it in the "nudity report". Serena is gorgeous, charming, and very naked in good light. Although she is the sister of Kristin Scott Thomas, she actually looks like she ought to be the sister of Meg Ryan. (See the top left picture in collage #1)

• Serena Scott Thomas. I really wish these two girls would decide whether they are Something Scott Thomas or Something Scott-Thomas, so I could figure out whether to place them in volume S or T. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind (2002)

This is the Chuck Barris biopic directed by George Clooney. When I wrote about it last December, I said there was no female nudity, but it turns out that Maggie Gyllenhaal showed a nipple for about one frame - not very clearly, but it seems to be there.

The biggest news on the full-featured DVD is full frontal nudity. Unfortunately, it's full frontal MALE nudity from Sam Rockwell.

Although the film grossed only a disappointing $16 million, as compared to a $29 million budget, Clooney did some very smart things with this picture.

1. He cast Sam Rockwell. That guy is a genius, and should have received an Oscar nomination for this brilliant performance. In fact, he could have won. Although this tongue-in-cheek black comedy can't be compared to The Pianist in importance, Rockwell did everything that Adrien Brody did, and more.

2. He studied hard and learned well from Soderbergh. Clooney storyboarded every single shot in this movie. He wanted to learn how to direct, and by God he did a helluva job, and proved he could manage difficult tone shifts with elan and audacity.

3. He took exactly the right approach to the film. He did not suggest that Barris was lying about his CIA career.  He simply told the story the way Barris wrote it. That had the impact of conveying this message - "If this is true, how cool is that? If this isn't true, how sad is that?"

• Maggie Gyllenhaal

UPDATES:

• Updated volumes: Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site,

OTHER CRAP:

• Karen McDougal, Playmate from December 1997, Free Nude Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!

• Germany has complained to Italy about a winery that labels its bottles with portraits of Adolf Hitler.

  • It has a bouquet which hints slightly of almonds, yet is impetuously genocidal.

  • Like Manischewitz, it will be produced Kosher for Passover from December 1st through March 31st each year.

• a guy drinking Fuehrerwein

• The Straight Dope considers: Who was the stupidest U.S. president? Surprisingly, they didn't mention Gerald Ford, although Ronald Reagan, Warren Harding, and Harry Truman were cited as possibilities.

• A kiss is more than just a kiss - when it happens live on 'The View'

• Tens of thousands of bare-breasted young maidens danced in front of King Mswati on Friday -- many hoping to catch his eye and become his next wife.

• Two University of Wisconsin-Madison students who appear in a 'Girls of the Big 10' pictorial in this month's Playboy magazine say they know such a step has lifelong implications.

• O'Reilly: "I'd Sue Franken If I Could" O'Reilly went on to point out that he'd love to get Franken for defamation of character, but so far Franken has only called him a liar and a moron, and no jury could find those charges false. Will he sue anyway? O'Reilly said, "I've thought about it. But I would lose. Famous people have no protection in this country." Particularly if they have no case.

• Excitement is mounting to feverish and as yet uncharted levels at the prospect of Halle Berry's imminent 19-woman soaped-up shower scene in new movie, Gothika.

• Say Uncle - the top 10 uncles in TV comedy history

• Gary Coleman would elect to change the past Now that you mention it, his life kinda sucks in the present, and the future isn't lookin' all that good either.

• 'Weird Al' still dares to be stupid. He says, "I was considering actually throwing my "Poodle Hat" ' into the ring as well and running for governor, but then I thought, 'I don't want to take votes away from more qualified candidates, like Gallagher.''' Why did he lose the moustache? He had LASIK eye surgery, and it turned out that the moustache was attached to the glasses. Funny guy.

• Were John Ritter's testicles briefly visible in an episode of Three's Company? Ritter says, "I've requested that [Nickelodeon] air both versions, edited and unedited, because sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't."

• if you haven't thought about a Christmas present for your dad, consider a calendar of old golfing geezer women

• The new woman recommends that men look to Mr Bean and anal stimulation. Is that two separate things?

• "According to data published by the Social Security Administration, the name Hillary is the most severely poisoned baby name in history, edging out Adolph and Ebenezer." I should point out that some factual inaccuracies in this article make its supporting historical arguments likely to be complete fabrications (there is no data from the 1844 era when A Christmas Carol would have poisoned the Ebenezer name, and he cites no evidence to demonstrate the rate of decline of Adolph or Ebenezer). Despite that, the rapid decline of the popularity of "Hillary" and "Hilary" from 1992-2002 is very real, as shown by his chart of the comparable names in 1992 popularity. Hillary and Hilary were number 136 and 251 in 1992. They are both out of the top 1000 now. Equally interesting is the fact that the names had been increasing in popularity for years prior to 1992, then suddenly reversed.

• The TV series box set is becoming the fastest-growing segment of the booming DVD industry

• GERI Halliwell's new curves have sparked rumors the ex-Spice Girl has boosted her bust.

• STING is admitting that his tales of superhuman tantric sex were mostly a lot of drunken boasts He's also denying that he looks like Malcolm MacDowell.

• Macaulay Culkin's First 'Adult' Role finds him in drag.

• The British prepare for the President's visit with an internet-based "Bare Your Bum at Bush!" campaign.

• The frightening world of 1980s make-up

• Here's The Smoking Gun's archive link to the dirt on the new crop of Survivor competitors.

• The October FHM features Lisa Guerrero, the new sideline reporter joining Madden and Michaels on Monday Night Football.

• Lisa Guerrero #2

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

PIRATE COUNTDOWN:

Link goes to (where else) TalkLikeAPirate.com - now with new English-to-Pirate instant translator

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

TENNIS POLL:

Yesterday, we asked - who has the best breasts in post-Kournikova women's tennis?

You guys definitely love the big uns. After more than 200 votes, the stacked gals, Iroda and Serena, took 78% of the votes between them, while the tight small ones fell far behind.

 I think Venus has a gorgeous figure, but she limped in with a paltry 6%. Iroda, the gal from my wife's home town of Tashkent, Uzbekistan, got more votes than all the others combined.  Mammoth mams won the day.

• Asia Argento (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

• More Christina Ricci topless in "Prozac Nation"!

Another day, another Hefmate. That's what I always say. Well, to be honest, I've never said it before, but it sounds just fine.

Heffer in question is Shannon Tweed in a movie entitled, "In the Cold of the Night." Aptly named. It is everything In the Heat of the Night was not. Heat had plot, pacing, direction and two male leads who were at the top of their games. Cold has none of the above. How bad was it? Consider these two points:

1) Two veteran B-movie actresses, Shannon and Adrienne Sachs, are the only ones in this mess who could act. The male lead, in particular, was a cypher, a nought, a black hole into which all talent disappeared. Ya know its gonna be a long movie when the eye candy is the major acting talent.

2) Marc Singer looked embarrassed to say his lines. This is a guy who had to pretend to tell a couple of ferrets to steal Tanya Roberts' clothes in Beastmaster, and did it without looking self-conscious. Yet here he's embarrassed. That's okay, Mark, so were we.

The exposure? Well, Shannon lets one twin out to play (collage 1) and shows us quite a nice bit o' rumpus in a thong (collage 2). This was still early in Shannon's career (1989), only five years after Hot Dog, and she looks real good.

And then there is Adrienne Sachs, who sometimes spells her first name Adrianne. When Tuna and Vejita sent in their caps of this movie, I was tres impressed, but after seeing the movie an adjective is necessary. Something like fucking impressed. The sport-humpin scene with the male lead is long and, tho shot through a blue filter, it is damn-near perfect. Grabbed about a googleplex of frames and managed to stick the first sequence together, which covers her response to the guy's entry into the shower. It gets better. A lot better. Should have them soon.

• Adrienne Sachs

• Shannon Tweed (1, 2)

The story isn't great, but Raimi's Evil Dead style of direction worked very well with spaghetti western genre. Lots of close ups, using the point of view of the guns, tilted cameras, etc. A fun watch if you like movies and can appreciate the style while also forgiving the lack of substance.

BRITNEY EXPLAINS MADONNA KISS
Madonna's Used That Line A Lot - Britney Spears told "Access Hollywood" that her controversial kiss with Madonna at the MTV Video Music Awards was not rehearsed. She said during rehearsals, Madonna suggested it and said "do what you feel...just go with it and see what happens." But when it did happen, Britney said, "I didn't know to that extent that it was gonna be that long and stuff." Asked if she'd do it again, she replied, "I hadn't kissed anyone in a long time, so that should last me for awhile."