Fascination is basically another ugly step-child of the post Body Heat era, an erotic thriller.

A man drowns while swimming, despite the fact that he was in perfect physical condition and a former Olympic silver medalist in swimming. His distraught son finds dad's death rather suspicious, and his suspicions deepen when his mom goes on a cruise after the funeral, and comes back with a new beau who moves in immediately and marries the mom not long thereafter. Those ol' suspicions get as deep as a chasm when the son finds an old picture of mom and her new beau looking mighty cozy - while dad was still alive.

Having nobody else to confide in, he turns for solace to his new stepsister (the daughter of mom's new beau), who fans the fires of suspicion even more when she admits that her mom also died under suspicious circumstances. The son finally has his dad's body exhumed and tested by a toxicologist, who determines that dad's drowning was probably caused by his being drugged out by a disproportionate dose of mom's sleeping pills. Right from the beginning we know that the son is an innocent party - he's the mark -  but we don't know who, if anyone, conspired to kill dad, and we don't really know why. (The apparent motive keeps shifting.) We don't even know if the mother's beau and the daughter are really who they say they are. For all practical purposes, there are only three other characters in the film besides the innocent son, and the answer to the puzzle may involve any combination of them. To say any more would be telling.

The film is extremely plot-heavy in the second half, with the twists and revelations and pseudo-surprises coming one after another. You won't find any of the developments to be especially imaginative or surprising, although you may not anticipate every melodramatic detail. Most of you, like me, have been down this road before, and know generally what to expect.

Lacking any witty dialogue or imagination, this is essentially a Cinemax or straight-to-vid softcore erotic thriller, except without the intense sex scenes. In fact, the exposure is minimal: some buns from Adam Garcia in one sex scene, and some breasts from Alice Evans in a completely different sex scene - the eroticism of which is spoiled by darkness, as well as inopportune cuts and dissolves. The only thing that raises Fascination above the normal level for this genre is the purported $5 million budget and the presence of Jacqueline Bisset as the mother. La Bisset must have needed some extra Christmas money to agree to this script.

Somehow, in total defiance of reason, this film did not go straight to video or cable, but received a brief theatrical release - very brief - ten days in ten theaters. On its second Friday it pulled in $519 in total, which must be some kind of record. Assuming each theater screened the film three times that day, it brought in $17 per screening. And some of that was accumulated at New York ticket prices, because Fascination was reviewed by the Times and the Village Voice! So we're probably talking about an average of fewer than two people per screening!

Although the film looks fairly good, it has to be considered a failure. It can't pass muster as an erotic entertainment, because it has very little sex and nudity. It fails as a thriller because the characters are stock, the dialogue is mundane, and the plot is by-the-numbers.

Surprisingly it's a fairly good DVD. There is a nice transfer of the film in its original 2.35:1 aspect ratio, and a "director's cut," which seemed to be the same movie except for the ending (which changed who survived a final car crash, but did not offer additional or different information about events leading up to that point). There is also a twelve minute "making of" featurette, and a six minute featurette on how the scenes looked in storyboard form.

Factotum (2005):

A few more of Marisa and the stripper, and a couple of Lili Taylor

Marisa Tomei

Emily Hynnek

Lili Taylor

"Deadly Run" is the story of a businessman who kidnaps women and takes them out into the wilderness and turns them loose and then hunts them down and kills them (geez, was this theme ever done before). Anyway, its a horrible movie starring the world's most aggravating and inept male actor Danny Fendley. We did another of his movies a short time back "Compelling Evidence", at least that  one had some decent nudity. I guess I am a lover of bad movies that are so bad they are good. But this one is  just plain bad & rotten. I think I am ashamed to even show you this movie, but if it stops anyone else from viewing it than it's worth it. If you see it in a bargain bin, run for the nearest exit.

So what are we left with here ?.Well we have Donia Haimes in a nice short skirt and boots being hit with a stun gun and winding up as a "Babe in "Handcuffs".
Amy Bush was the female lead and she gave up nothing, just a "Babe in  Bondage" fully clothed. Damn if I was making a movie this bad, my star would at least get naked.
Then we have two strippers (clothed) who also wind up as "Babes in Handcuffs".
Winding up this wasted day in my life we have two unknown strippers who at least get topless.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

CALIFORNIA ASSEMBLY APPROVES GAY MARRIAGE
Tuesday, the California Assembly voted to allow gay marriage, despite the voters passing a ballot initiative in 2000 defining marriage as a union of a man and a woman.  The bill still has to be signed by Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, whose office said he thinks it's best settled by the courts.

*  ...Or the Pope, or anyone else who never has to run for reelection.
*  If he vetoes this, he'll never be able to return to movies... His hair and makeup will look AWFUL!!
* Californians believe marriage is a sacred institution between a woman and  a man...Like Liz Taylor and Nicky Hilton, Michael Wilding, Mike Todd, Eddie Fisher, Richard Burton, John Warner and Larry Fortensky.


ENGAGED ARMSTRONG MAY GO FOR #8 
Lance Armstrong just made news twice, first by announcing his engagement to Sheryl Crow, then by hinting he may return to the Tour de France.  He said "I'm finished" after recently winning  for a seventh time, but now he says he's so angry at the French for slandering him by suggesting he took banned substances, he may be back next year.  He  said, "I'm thinking it's the best way to piss the French off."

*  They'll just accuse him of using other substances that are banned in  France, like soap and deodorant.



SADDAM CONFESSES, SHOULD BE HANGED 20 TIMES A DAY
The new leader of Iraq, Jalal Talabani, said that Saddam Hussein has now confessed to ordering killings and "there are 100 reasons to sentence Saddam to death."  He added, "Saddam deserves a death sentence 20 times a day because he tried to assassinate me 20 times."  But Saddam's lawyers requested a delay in the October 19 trial date, saying the state has 36 tons of evidence against him and they can't possibly read it all by then.

*  They expect to have it all read by January, 2075. 
*  They can't try him because there's way too much evidence of his guilt?  That's a defense that would only work in California.


 
DIET HELPS YOU LIVE SIX YEARS LONGER
In the British Medical Journal, scientists from Australia and the Netherlands claim they've invented a diet that cuts heart disease by 78 percent and adds 4.8 years to a woman's life and 6 years to a man's.  You have to eat four servings of fish a week, plus daily servings of 400 grams of fruit and vegetables, 68 grams of almonds, 2.7 grams of garlic, 150 milliliters of red wine and 100 grams (3.5 ounces) of dark chocolate.

*  Drop the fruits and veggies, change the almonds to beer nuts, and switch four Big Macs to fish sandwiches, and I'm already there! 
*  Can the chocolate be eaten in the form of a can of cake frosting?
*  Woody Allen was right!  Fudge is a health food!
*  I'll live 12 years longer: I eat twice that much chocolate and wine!



POLITICIAN BUYS GIANT PENIS PHOTO 
New Zealand Parliament Minister Chris Carter was at a  gay charity group's auction when the crowd began giving him a hard time for not contributing, so he bought the next item for $130 without knowing what it was.  He then discovered he was the proud owner of a yard-long photo of a penis. He says he doesn't know what he'll do with it, but it probably won't hang in his office.  An auction spokesman said the other items were kind of far-out, too, like a T-shirt showing Batman and Robin kissing, but "the picture probably takes the cake."

*  Coincidentally, the cake was also shaped like a giant penis...And was made with self-rising flour.
*  In fact, that picture once hung in the Bat Cave.
*  It's a framed photo that's very heavy, so he'll need to make sure it's well-hung.



"IDIOT" WANTS HIS CANNONBALL REPLACED
Yale Metzger of Alaska was excavating land he owned in Cordova when he found a four-inch, century-old cannonball.  Curious how it got there, he tossed it in the back of his pickup, drove home to downtown Anchorage, and let it roll around in the truck for a year before he got around to asking the police to examine it.  The bomb squad rushed over and blew it up.  They said it was full of volatile black powder and could have exploded and sent shrapnel flying for blocks.  Metzger said that was no more likely than a meteor
hitting his truck, and he wants the cops to replace his cannonball.  A police spokesman called him an "idiot."

*  When Metzger heard that, he blew up.
*  Metzger's got other things to worry about: a meteor just hit his truck.
*  Metzger's just glad he didn't tell them about that ancient Eskimo hand grenade he found.



MAN WHO DENIES SMOKING POT IS JUST BLOWIN' SMOKE
The Douglas County, Nevada, Record-Courier reports that Travis Keith Kluever was arrested in a Wal-Mart parking lot on drug charges.  A police officer had come to serve him with child support papers, pulled up next to his car, and said he saw Kluever light a marijuana pipe.  He said he walked up to the window, and Kluever appeared startled, threw down the pipe, and blew pot smoke in his face.  The cop said Kluever denied he was smoking pot, then blew a second puff of pot in the cop's face.

*  Gee, I wonder what he spent the child support money on?
*  Then the cop said, "I've got papers for you," and he replied, "I don't need papers, man, I got a bong."
*  If his wife thinks she's getting child support out of him, that's a pipe dream.



TESTICLE-COOKING CHAMPIONSHIP PRANKED
Organizers of the World Testicle Cooking Championship in Serbia got a call from a man claiming to be Nibel Beven, Australia's top testicle chef, asking to compete.  He asked them to have kangaroo testicles ready for him.  The Serbians obtained the kangaroo testicles and even hired a band to greet him, only to discover it was a hoax phone call.

*  If you think the Serbians were angry, imagine how the kangaroo felt.
*  It made the Serbians really testy.
*  It's too bad Beven didn't attend...They guarantee he would've had a ball.



NEW TOYOTA KEEPS YOUR EYES FRONT
Toyota has developed a computerized safety device to prevent drivers from taking their eyes off the road.  A camera behind the steering wheel detects if the driver is not looking straight ahead and flashes a dashboard light and beeps to get the driver's attention.  If the driver's eyes don't return to looking ahead, the car applies the brakes.

*  Great: now rubberneckers will stop traffic DEAD! 
*  This device is absolutely, positively guaranteed...to kill you. 
*  If you stare too long at the breasts of a woman in the passenger seat, a mechanical hand comes out of the dash and slaps you.
*  Forget this; just invent a device that turns off the driver's cell phone. 



POLICE RECRUIT FINGERPRINTS HIMSELF, GETS ARRESTED
A police recruit at Porirua, New Zealand's, Royal  Police College was fingerprinted in a routine classroom exercise, to show him how it was done.  His prints were then run through a computer.  It revealed that he was wanted on an outstanding warrant for serious assault, and he was arrested.

*  And that's how it's done.
*  On the plus side, he got extra credit for already knowing how to use a gun.



VIDEO GAMES TAKING OVER WORLD
The University of Central Florida has launched the Florida Interactive Entertainment Academy, a $6 million facility offering the nation's first graduate degree program in video games.  UCF says students don't just play games: it's designed to teach students to design games for the $7.5 billion video game industry.  They said game makers had complained that people with
bachelor's degrees just weren't qualified to design video games.

*  They were only qualified to PLAY video games.
*  And these graduates will be qualified to do nothing else.
*  They were having to hire the only people who were qualified: 12-year-olds.
*  It's such a rigorous program, students would have to give up their social lives, if they had one.


The Singapore Ministry of Defense granted a two-month deferment to a draftee so he can play in the World Cyber Games, a video game competition.  Singapore wants to boost its video game industry, and a military spokesman said they consider deferments to recruits who represent the nation at prestigious international sports, arts and cultural events.

*  And, apparently, at video game competitions.
*  Besides, they figure "Grand Theft Auto" will train him to kill better than they can.



OBI-WAN'S ORIGINAL CLOAK FOUND
The cloak worn by Obi-Wan Kenobi (Alec Guinness) in the original "Star Wars" has been found at the Angels & Bermans costume shop in London, where it was being rented out for parties as a monk costume.  A clerk put it on, and the owner suddenly recognized it and said, "Oh my God!"  Research confirmed it came to the store before the film was released, before anyone knew it would become "iconic."  It's now on display at Harrod's department store and is valued at $46,000 (US).

*  They could've charged a LOT more to rent it!  It's a chick magnet!
*  If they ever find Princess Leia's gold bikini, Bill Gates will give them a billion dollars for it.


BRITNEY TO SHOW CHILDBIRTH ON TV?
Britain's Daily Star tabloid claims that Britney Spears is planning to raise money to help New Orleans by filming the birth of her baby for a TV show.  They say there's a network bidding war, and offers have already hit $9 million.  An unnamed source said Britney had rejected the idea, but when she realized how the money could help her home state, she changed her mind, as long as the televised birth "is tastefully done and she gets her privacy."

*  Luckily, Britney has her own unique definitions of "privacy" and "tasteful."
*  How about if we all chip in and pay her $10 million NOT to show this?
*  I predicted she'd end up spreading her legs on camera for money, but I thought it would be in porn. 


"DILBERT" ANAL PORPOISE ASSAULT CENSORED
"Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams was forced to send out two strips Tuesday. In the original strip, Dilbert's boss hires a porpoise because they've been known to protect humans by attacking sharks, and in the last panel, the porpoise attacks the company lawyer by embedding its snout in his rear end.  Adams sent an alternative strip with a different final panel after his syndicator, United Media, warned that many papers would not accept a depiction of "anal porpoise assault."

*  Except in San Francisco, where the classifieds are full of them.
*  But changing it would defeat the porpoise!
*  Showing a lawyer with a porpoise shoved up his butt would be very offensive!  People LIKE porpoises!



CELEBRITY ROUND-UP
Paris Hilton told Vanity Fair that she's "so not sexual," and now that she's getting married, she is settling down and her wild partying past is behind her.  She appears on the magazine cover topless, barely covering her breasts with her arms.

*  But she's not bottomless, so see?  She's settling down!
*  She covered her nipples because she's trying to make a good impression on her future in-laws.
*  I can't wait for her to start appearing on the cover of Good Housekeeping.
*  If she's really not sexual, she might enjoy being married.

Monica Lewinsky announced that she's leaving New York for London because
she's been accepted as a candidate for a master's degree in Social Psychology
at the London School of Economics

• She's VERY social
• She flunked the entrance exam, but she aced her orals
• She'll be very disappointed to discover that Big Ben is just a clock.

Currently on disability. If you'd like to get in touch with him, his email address is tuna@scoopy.com

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