Decoys (2004) is a Canadian Sci Fi Horror film. Two roommates are after what any red blooded college guy is after, sex. Fortunately for them, the school is teaming with really hot blonde sorority sisters. Unfortunately they are all aliens there to learn the secret of mating with earth men to preserve their dying race. Their version of sex has them inserting a tentacle, dozens of which emerge from a spot under their breasts when they are aroused, into the mouth of their partner. Not only does all of this surprise the hell out of the partner, but it freezes them to death from the inside out. We have the requisite detective trying to pin the murders on one fo the room mates. The other roomie, once he finds out they are aliens, elects to go for it anyway.

The two principle aliens are played by Stefanie von Pfetten and Kim Poirier. Porier shows breasts, and vom Pfetten buns in the only real nude scene. Although there is lots of simulated sex, there is not nearly enough nudity. IMDb readers have this at 4.3 of 10. The acting was fine, the premise a little lacking, and the extensive CGI used for the aliens in their real form and the tentacles was primitive. This is a D.

• There are about 25 updated volumes in sections M, Mc, and S of the Encyclopedia, consisting of 254 new entries.  New volumes in yellow.

La Femme Publique, part 2 (1984):

From 1981 to 1984, Valerie Kaprisky was one of the most discussed actresses in the world, all because she made about a half dozen movies without wearing a lot of clothing.

Hoo, boy, was she hot!!!

In these three somewhat shorter clips, Kaprisky is stark naked yet again in three more separate scenes, fuckin' or just walkin' around nekkid - her two greatest talents. 

• Kaprisky. (1, 2, 3)

The last of this movie will appear tomorrow.

The Punisher (2004):

Although The Punisher has a certain one-dimensional comic book theatricality to it, it is fundamentally a Charles Bronson movie updated to the new millennium. An undercover cop named Frank Castle runs a sting in which the son of a mobster gets killed. The mobster (Vinnie Barbarino) pays a gazillion dollars to find out the cop's real identity, and then he pulls a Kyser Soze on him: he kills his parents; he kills his wife; he kills his children; he kills all of his friends and family, and then he kills the cop. Only one problem. The cop survives the hit.

About five months later, a fully recuperated Castle is really ready to kick some mob ass, especially since the standard legal procedures have produced no results at all. Castle builds his body up, accumulates an armory, lays low in a seedy tenement building, and prepares to "punish" the mobster in vicious and sadistic ways involving the worst things that a man can ever face: financial ruin, crossbows through the neck, blow torches to the skin, imagined betrayals by those who love him, explosions, and Celine Dion concerts.

OK, the Punisher didn't really use Celine Dion music. He considered it, but realized that if he did something that cruel, there would be no difference between him and the bad guys, so he went with the 2000 degree blow torch instead.

The Bronsonesque Punisher is played by Tom Jane. Up until recently, this actor (who is actually a pretty cool guy) was known as Thomas Jane, but I suppose that someone finally told him that guys named Tom appear in macho revenge movies which people might actually pay to see, while guys named Thomas appear with Emma Thompson in the sort of Masterpiece Theater productions in which people get revenge by saying "Oh, I daresay not, my dear Alistair! I oppose it ever so much."

Although he is a Marvel "super hero", The Punisher is really just a regular guy. He has no "super" powers, and he doesn't even have a decent costume. No tights or cape or utility belt or anything. The only thing that makes him different from Charles Bronson is that he went to a head shop and picked up one of those "black light" t-shirts with a white skull on it, so that he would look kinda cool in a dark room with a black light. Unfortunately, there have not been many opportunities to hang out in such rooms since 1973, so mostly he just looks like a alkie hobo wearing his kindly brother's castoff 60s t-shirts, except that Punisher really has a great body for a seedy bum. I guess those homeless shelters must be adding work-out rooms.

At any rate, the story arc proceeds in the usual predictable ways, and the characters are all undeveloped and uninvolving. Some of the fight and torture scenes go on too long, but there were some good ideas cropping up here and there. The initial reviews were dismal, but IMDb voters have rendered a different verdict, awarding a score in the 6s, indicative of the fact that the film may appeal to you if you are a young person who is either into faux-testosterone movies, or who has never seen the scores of very similar films which have come before this one.

Check out the scores by age:

Age	Average score
Less than 18	7.3
18-29	6.3
30-44	5.9
45+	5.6

Despite the weak reviews, the film did a respectable $33 million at the box, and Jane has been signed for two sequels, although I don't think the sequels have been officially greenlighted yet.

NOTE: Rebecca Romijn looks pregnant in this movie. I was not the only person to notice this. At least two reviewers mentioned it. Yet I can find no record of her ever having been preggers. If she was not, she really put some weight rapidly, especially on her formerly thin waist and bum. If you will recall, she was in superb shape in X2.

• Various unknowns. (1, 2, 3) This was the only nudity. They probably should have added more. There was no reason to avoid nudity, since the film is so violent it could not possibly avoid an R.

Other Crap:

• Newzbot! public USENET resources. (Note: it is rare to find the binary groups on these public servers.)
• Is it true graham crackers were invented to control lust?
• "Real World" Star Assaulted A Police Horse . Hey, who hasn't?. Let he who is without sin ...
• It appears that Bush and Kerry will have two debates: one on domestic policy, one on foreign.
• The trailer for Infernal Affairs, a Hong Kong crime thriller about a double undercover operation. (A criminal on the police force, an undercover cop in the mob - and - wait for it - they're best friends!)
• The trailer for Kung Fu Hustle , which appears to be a martial arts comedy, or at least an attempt at one.
• This week's movies: Resident Evil: Apocalypse - NO positive reviews so far, but very few on file.
• This week's movies: Cellular - 43% positive reviews. This is the one with Kim Basinger being held prisoner and communicating to a stranger via cell phone.
  • "...has all the earmarks of a genuinely smart thriller rewritten by a studio-lapdog script doctor who was told it didn't have enough car chases and comic relief."
• This week's movies: Reconstruction - an arthouse film with 78% positive reviews. "An imaginative, challenging pic evoking the French New Wave as a man must make a clear commitment to the woman he has recently met and loved."
• This week's movies: Criminal -54% positive reviews. This is an English language re-make of the Argentine film, The Nine Queens, which was in itself a Spanish-language clone of the David Mamet sleight-of-hand films like Heist and The Spanish Prisoner.
• This week's movies: The re-release of THX 1138 - 93% positive reviews.
• Don't call Kidman a legend - she's just a beginner, snaps catty, senile Lauren Bacall.
• President's Bush's "Get Well Soon" E-mail Greeting Card to Former President Bill Clinton on the Eve of His Quadruple Bypass Heart Surgery. Do not click on this link if your sounds will be heard by other people. It may get loud!
• Another new clip from Shaun of the Dead
• Cream Cheese - a nostalgic look at the UK's "lad's mags" from the 1975-85 period.
• Name that Game - match the classic video game with a sound effect.
• More trailers, clips, and featurettes from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
• Three new "behind the scenes" featurettes about Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
• Rear-ended cyclist gets a bum deal, but hopes to get to the bottom of it.
• The first previews from Being Julia
  • If you read the description and realize that it stars Annette Bening, you may conclude that it is very, very similar to "Valmont", except updated a couple of centuries and moved to England.
  • "'Being Julia' is a delicious tale of amorous folly and revenge set in the world of the London stage in the late 1930's. Based on the novel Theatre by W. Somerset Maugham, it is the story of reigning diva Julia Lambert whose success and fame grow suddenly wearisome. She falls head over heels for a young American, Tom, and begins a passionate May - December affair. When she realizes that Tom is just a young social climber whose real passion is ambitious young starlet Avice Crichton, Julia begins to plot a delightful revenge.
• President Bush is the preferred candidate overseas - in the Philippines, Nigeria and Poland. The other, less unimportant countries, seem to have a different idea. In many European countries, the Preisdent has the support of less than 10% of their citizens. (Norway 7%, France 5%, Spain 7%, Netherlands 6%)
• Michael Moore says he did not submit his film for a Best Documentary Oscar so he can get it on DVD and TV before the election
• Actress Nicole Kidman was met by a chorus of boos at the premiere of her shocking new movie Birth - which sees her do an erotic nude scene with a ten-year-old boy.
• Mayor McCheese, a life in perspective.
• Hundreds Of Republicans Injured In Rush To Discredit Kerry
• Top non-Canadian headline of the day: "Disney insists new theme park will be fun"
• George Lucas revamps his 'Star Wars' empire for box set. The geeks across the internet are irate about this!
• Announcer Keith Olbermann struggles to keep a straight face while presenting a video of the President's latest verbal gaffe.
• I have no idea why this site exists, but it is kinda cool, in a way, so ... check in at Motel Fetish
• Responding to calls from Democratic Party insiders to shake up his listless campaign for president, Sen. John Kerry today changed his tie, although he spent 12 hours debating the "nuanced" decision with campaign advisors. Republicans immediately responded: "Red striped tie, yellow spotted tie. Has the man no loyalty to either colors or patterns? Will he never stop the eternal flip-flopping?
• This might be a useful site to bookmark. Current Electoral Vote Predictor 2004. It provides a most-current electoral vote estimate based on the latest polls available in each state. Some states (Nebraska, Wyoming, e.g.) are assigned based on the 2000 election, since there is no current poll info.
• You think Bjork is the weirdest thing in Iceland? Welcome to Lazy Town!
• Police in Paris have discovered a fully equipped cinema-cum-restaurant in a large and previously undisclosed cavern underneath the capital's chic 16th arrondissement. Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.
• Howard Stern is now selling uncensored versions of his telecasts via internet download.
• Headline of the day goes to the Toronto Star: "Toronto could learn a lesson from Dildo Days". So could we all, dudes. So could we all.
• Live bad karaoke 24/7 from New Orleans
• French actor Gerard Depardieu has admitted in a new book that he 'might be an alcoholic' and reveals that he underwent a liver transplant, without saying when.
• Paris Hilton has written a 179-page epic that people seem to want to read. It debuted at No.59 on Amazon.com.
  • Would you have expected Paris to write an ambitious "17th volume" for Proust's "Remembrance of Things Past", including a perfect replication of the master's now-antiquated French prose style?
  • Yeah, I know. Me neither. It's actually mostly pictures of Paris and her doggie - 300 color photographs on 179 pages. The book's real title: "Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-in-Chic Peek Behind the Pose.
• Drea de Matteo talks about moving from The Sopranos to Joey.
• Man robs bank. His weapon? A rusty pitchfork.
• Ice Cream shop boasts 812 flavors, including Trout!
• New evidence concerning the President's National Guard service. As it turns out, now that he is commander-in-chief, he is obligated to call himself up!!
• New evidence concerning the President's National Guard service. As it turns out, now that he is commander-in-chief, he is obligated to call himself up!!
• Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer won an injunction to suspend his deportation from Japan until the court rules on his demand to cancel the deportation order.
• JoBlo reports on the Montreal Film Festival
• The Longest Yard remake - clips & pics
• JoBlo reports from the Montreal Film Festival.
• A string of embarrassing blunders, including one which left Al Pacino with no seat at the premiere of his latest movie, have plagued this year's Venice Film Festival.
• Contrary to popular belief, the Antichrist dreaded by so many Christians will actually usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. Yeah, yeah, we already know that. It was called the Clinton Administration.
• With only 11 days left to prepare, you may need The Manly Guide to Taklking Like a Pirate
• Penelope Cruz will star in the psychological drama Chromophobia. Probing the dilemmas of modern London life, where the old-fashioned virtues of honesty and loyalty are replaced by the new morality of success and celebrity, it's the story of a bourgeois family slowly coming apart at the seams. Cruz joins a cast that includes the director's brother Ralph Fiennes, Kristin Scott Thomas, Rhys Ifans, Ian Holm, Ben Chaplin, Damian Lewis and Harriet Walters."

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

What hasn't been said about The Fifth Element (1997)? At least, what hasn't that's worth saying? So, okay, it plays like it was written by a teenager... a French teenager... with fanciful devices and a treacle-laden sentimentality about the love of a perfect woman (sic). But, hell, Milla is as cute as cute can be and Bruce Willis plays the best damn Bruce Willis you are ever going to watch. And it has Gary Oldman as a wise-cracking, money-grubbing sicko of a corporate tycoon... as redundant as all that might be. Lose the over-the-top, terminally annoying performance by Chris Tucker...again with the redundancy... and I might just watch it again.

Got all obsessive with the Milla caps. Did I mention she was as cute as a button? Toplessness in the first two collages and in the last. Swaddling clothes in the rest, revealing some bum and lots o' pokies. Gal plays the supreme being, like that singer babe in Dogma, only with lots fewer things covering her up.

Added bonus: Sibyl Buck as secretary to Gary Oldman's character. Blue hair and blue furry clothes, but looking about as normal as Sibyl ever does. It is a cleavage-only collage.

• Milla Jovovich (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

• Sibyl Buck

Here are video clips of marvelous Milla in The Fifth Element.

These two have the toplessness, although the two frames of clear exposure in the changing-tops scene are better viewed in the collages.

• Milla Jovovich (zipped divx .avis) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

• Brooke Burke showing some nice cleavage in a belly dancer outfit.

• Nectar Rose, you've probably seen her a few times but have no clue who she is. She played 'Blonde in Office' in the recent Adam Sandler movie "50 First Dates", 'Freshman Girl' in "Legally Blonde", 'Nervous Cheerleader' in "Bring It On", 'Marilyn Monroe' in "L.A. Confidential" and 'Stripper' in "Independence Day".

  However, if you're like us, you've seen her a few times while laughing your bum off in "Not Another Teen Movie"....she played one half of the conjoined Fratelli twins. But much more importantly...she looks really good nekkid!

• Tiffany Shepis, the Troma regular going topless and showing a brief rear view...pretty much the norm for all of her movie roles.

"Videodrome"
A very, very weird Sci-Fi that fans probably appreciate without really liking, director David Cronenberg pushed the envelope making this 1983 movie with some really neat special effects. The story itself, however, is very strange.

A sleazeball cable TV operator is looking for new product, the ranker the better. He's looking for the next big thing, and he doesn't care how distasteful or pornographic it is (he would have loved reality shows).

When he comes upon a pirate broadcast of something called Videodrome, which is actually torture/snuff TV, he decides to find the producer and broadcast it. What he doesn't know is that Videodrome is really a mind-control transmission that causers viewers to hallucinate by giving them brain damage, and he winds up in a battle with the creators, who have a larger agenda than simply doing TV broadcasts.

Most interesting about this movie is early performances by James Woods as the cable operator, and Deborah Harry as a kinky radio hostess who is into S&M. The movie's just too goofy to be called good, but it is fascinating.

• Deborah Harry

ARNOLD CORRECTS CALIFORNIA'S ENGLISH
So There! - Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's California Performance Review found that people fill out state government forms wrong because they're so full of jargon, nobody can understand them. One form conveys the idea, "You can't do this without a license" by stating, "No person shall exercise the privilege or perform any act which a licensee may exercise or perform under the authority of a license unless the person is authorized to do so by a license issued pursuant to this division."