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Tuna update:
I talked to Tuna today, and there is essentially no change in his condition.
Extreme fatigue is the major problem he faces at the moment. His doctors will try some
additional non-surgical procedures in the next month or so, their goal bring to get
him on his feet, able to exercise normally, and better able to take charge of his own life.
He promises to return to the Fun House, but he has no specific timetable, since that is
contingent so many variables.
Tom Sizemore sex tape, part 1:
I haven't found this project to be particularly appealing, but I guess it
belongs here thematically, so we will carry it in eight parts, as it was posted
in Usenet. I can't really recommend
this first
zipped .wmv at all, especially given its size of 22 meg. (The entire tape is
240 meg in .wmv format) You see Sizemore hamming it up by talking to the camera,
then you see him playing with himself, then you see his dick entering some woman
who is straddling him face to face. The pics are genital close-ups only. Then
you see her from the rear, same deal, close-ups only. Nothin' to my taste.
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HURRICANE KATRINA RECOVERY NEWS
#1 Network That Night: HGTV - Americans have donated to Katrina relief in record
amounts, but they don't seem to like being nagged to give by celebrities. Last
Friday, the charity concert/telethon "Shelter From The Storm" aired on 29 TV
channels, including every major broadcast network. It drew only 24 million
viewers, fewer than the average audience for a new episode of "American Idol."
* Well, the people on "American Idol" sing better.
* They should've told Americans that if they donate money, the celebrities will
shut up.
* The celebrities didn't raise as much money as they spend on little designer
clothes for their Chihuahuas.
MMMStop!! - Delone Catholic High School in McSherrystown, Pennsylvania, has
launched one of the more creative fundraising drives for hurricane relief. It's
called "Stop the Bop." Every day, they play Hanson's song "MMMBop" through the
school loudspeakers before and between classes and all during lunch. They
refuse to turn it off until they raise $3,000 in donations from the students.
It's been playing since last Wednesday, and they've already raised $2,300.
* Mostly from teachers.
* But truancy is up 2,000 percent.
* They need to raise money faster! Put on Celine Dion!
DIESEL FUEL FROM DEAD CATS
Also Makes Great Homemade Schnapps - Dr. Christian Koch of Kleinhartmannsdorf,
Germany, claims he's found a way to turn dead cats into cheap, high-quality
diesel fuel. It involves heating old tires, weeds and cat cadavers to filter
out hydrocarbons that are turned into bio-diesel fuel with a catalytic
converter. He said he's driven 105,000 miles on it with no problems, and the
cost is only about 30 cents (US) a liter, and one full-size dead cat can produce
2.5 liters, so 20 cats can fill the average gas tank. Cat lovers immediately
denounced the idea.
* One problem: if you think regular exhaust fumes smell
bad...
* Finally, I see why it's called a "cat-alytic converter."
* Now when drivers run over a cat, they'll stop, pick it up, and use to run
over another cat.
COSMETICS MADE FROM HUMAN CADAVERS
Lip Gloss Is PEOPLE!!! - In an investigative report, the UK Guardian newspaper
discovered that a Chinese cosmetics company was selling lip plumpers and skin
beauty products in Europe that were developed using skin and collagen from the
corpses of executed Chinese prisoners. The company spokesman publicly denied
it, but the paper said he'd told an undercover reporter posing as a Hong Kong
businessman that using skin from condemned convicts is "traditional" in China,
and he's shocked that western nations "make such a big fuss about this."
* He'd expect a fuss if they used dead cats to make
cosmetics...
* When the Chinese put Max Factor on their faces, they really do put Max Factor
on their faces.
* This gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Are you wearing Mary Kay?"
* It's very high quality: most of the prisoners were 13, 14 tops.
THIEF HIDES PHONE UP BUTT (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Ring Me Up! - The 7 Plus newspaper of Iasi, Romania, reports that passengers on
a bus saw Petronela Brandus, 24, steal someone's cell phone, and they called the
police, who stopped her after she got off. But a search didn't turn it up, so
they called the phone's number. A muffled ringing came from under her dress.
She was taken in and strip-searched by a female officer, who found the cell
phone hidden up her rear end. They extracted it, sprayed it with disinfectant,
and returned it to its owner.
* Who promptly burned it.
* Well, cell phones ARE getting smaller and smaller.
* Something to remember if police ever return a stolen cell phone to you.
* Moral: Always put a cell phone on "Vibrate" before you shove it up your butt.
* Usually, when a cell phone gets shoved up there, it's
the result of someone using it in the wrong movie theater.
BUY HARDWARE, GET FREE SEX (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Paint The Town Red - The Bepol hardware and do-it-yourself store in Elblag,
Poland, has launched a unique promotion for frequent customers: spend $3,000
(US) and get a coupon good for one hour of free sex at a nearby brothel. The
owner got the idea when the brothel owner came in to buy some paint and
paintbrushes, and he proposed a cross-promotion. He said so far, two customers
have earned the coupons, but haven't used them yet.
* They're more the "do-it-yourself" type.
* First, they have to use up $6,000 worth of roofing supplies that they told
their wives they desperately needed.
* They told their wives it's a coupon for one free nail.
* When men need their tools serviced, this is the store they choose.
COLLEGE DROPS POPULAR SEX CLASS
Don't Say "Fills Up!!" - After 17 years, George Washington University opted not
to renew the contract of Prof. Michael Schaffer, who taught human sexuality. In
his latest student evaluations, two female students said the class was demeaning
to women, and one threatened a sexual harassment lawsuit over his class
discussion of shaving pubic hair. She also complained about him telling
students, "Look before you lick," which he defends as "a little humor to teach
about safe oral sex." Schaffer said most students like the class so much, it
fills up immediately.
* But mostly with guys.
* It's so full, students have to sit in each other's laps...This is called
"orientation."
* And they were REALLY upset about the way he gives oral exams.
* Schaffer agreed to leave because he knows when he's licked.
DISNEYLAND HONG KONG CULTURE CLASH
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S...PEE! - Hong Kong Disneyland opened Monday to big crowds,
despite efforts of anti-Disney protesters who complained about everything from
the food to the fireworks, which go off constantly in Hong Kong anyway. But the
park workers did have an unexpected problem: the habits of tourists from
mainland China. They are already destroying the clean Disney ambiance by
smoking in the non-smoking areas and letting their kids drop their pants in
public and urinate on the flower beds.
* No, no! Don't urinate on the flowers! Urinate on the
"It's A Small World" ride!
* They'd be welcome at Neverland Ranch...Michael doesn't mind children dropping
their pants.
* They figure if the duck can go without pants, so can they.
* Worse, a guy came out in a Pluto the dog costume, and they ate him.
HORSE MISTAKEN IDENTITY CLOSE CALL
Stable Occupation - Reuters reports that the horse breeding world was rocked by
news of a case of mistaken identity after top stallion Dubai Excellence was
mistakenly shipped from England to a farm in Ukraine while a lookalike named
Samood was shipped to a breeding farm in Australia. It took from February to
August before anyone realized the mix-up, and by then, Samood had been booked
for $250,000 (US) worth of stud services to 80 mares. Both horses are in good
health, and it was caught just before the beginning of the breeding season,
which starts in September.
* It's good news for the breeders, but Samood is
suicidal!
* That's like getting invited to Paris Hilton's house, then losing the address!
* Samood offered to perform the stud services and waive the fee.
* 80 females lined up to be serviced! It was like getting mistaken for Tommy
Lee.
BRITS CAN NOW MARRY THEIR MOTHERS-IN-LAW
She Cooks Better - Tuesday, the European Court struck down a ban in England and
Wales on marriages between parents-in-law and children-in law. They said as
long as there is no blood link, there's no reason why a man can't marry his
mother-in-law.
* Uh...how about "her daughter"?
* Of course, there's also no reason why he'd WANT to.
* The EU also allowed first cousins to marry, to insure a steady supply of
future EU bureaucrats.
TEACHERS SEEM TO LIKE IT
They Laugh To Keep From Crying - Teachers always talk about what a hard job it
is, but a group of British psychologists studied 1,000 teachers and found that
they appear to enjoy their work. On average, teachers laugh every nine minutes
in class, smile every three minutes and praise students every three minutes.
The study found that teachers experience higher levels of enjoyment during their
work day than people in comparable careers, such as IT, marketing, PR and
banking.
* But that's only because so many of the teachers are
having sex with their students.
* And I thought they only did it for the money!
* First they praise students, then they laugh about how undeserved it was.
* They have to smile and laugh in front of students: you can NEVER let them
sense fear!
PARIS HILTON AFRAID TO RELEASE CD
Another Expensive Dog - Paris Hilton has been talking about the album she's been
working on with Snoop Dogg for two years, but so far, she hasn't released it or
any singles. She told US Weekly that she's afraid to release it because if it's
bad, people will ridicule her. She said, "I want every song to be great. If
they aren't, people will trash me."
* And she'd hate to think that people are making jokes
about her!
* Don't worry, Paris: whether the songs are great or not, we'll trash you just
the same.
* I've heard that Paris has a magic throat...At least, that's what her
ex-boyfriends say.
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