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* Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe).
* White asterisk:
expanded format.
*
Blue asterisk: not mine.
No asterisk: it probably
sucks.
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OTHER CRAP:
Catch the deluxe
version of Other Crap in real time, with all the bells and whistles,
here.
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SSI: Sex Squad Investigation
(2006)
SSI: Sex Squad Investigation (2006) is available in two versions,
R-rated and unrated. It would be natural to assume that the R-rated
version is an edited version of the unrated version, but this is
absolutely not the case. The unrated version is non-stop T&A and
simulated sex, while the R-rated version is a raunchy comedy. Much
of the humor was cut from the unrated version, and much of the
nudity was cut from the R-rated version. To get both, the easiest
way is to buy the R version and use the card inside to send for the
unrated version for $3.00 postage and handling.
The plot summary for both versions would read the same. President
Shrub has made sex outside of marriage illegal. Two feds intent on
enforcing that law, A.J. Kahn and partner John Fedele, are out to
apprehend a serial seductress. Will they succeed before the real
plans of the serial seductress and the mastermind behind her are
accomplished? We get to witness the serial seductress in action as a
nun seducing a Christian, then in a Paris Anderson sex tape, and
finally with President Shrub's slut daughter.
The majority of the
film was shot in Manchester, England, with only some second unit
outside shots of New York. Many of the performers are Brits, and
have trouble with American and especially Texas accents. Still, if you like
raunchy comedy spoofs, you might well enjoy the R-rated version. The biggest criticism is lack of skin, but the version with lots
of skin and little humor is about as exciting as watching a baseball
rain delay.
Before the unrated version is over, all of the women show
breasts, most show buns, and A.J. Khan and Susie Best show bush. The
T&A is from Angelina Havusinner, Frankie Babe, Lex Martinez,
Mckenzie Matthews, Natalie Heck, Rachel Travers, and Robyn Hunter. (All of the images are from the unrated version.)
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Notes and collages
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Cellar Dweller
Cellar Dweller was the name of the gruesome horror comic brought to life by Colin Childress (Jeffrey Combs), who died thirty years earlier
after reportedly going mad and murdering an innocent young woman.
Childress still has his fans three decades later, including one Whitney Taylor (Debrah Farentino), who has come to the
institute where Colin worked - and died - to create a new Cellar Dweller comic of her own. Mrs. Briggs (Yvonne De Carlo), the head of the institute, oversees a group of artists: an abstract painter played rather annoyingly by Brian Robbins, a horrible female dancer, an ex-P.I. turned writer, and Amanda (Pamela Bellwood), a video artist who just happens to be Whitney's long-time nemesis.
Finally conniving her way into the cellar room that Colin Childress called his own, Whitney finds the dark tome that inspired her idol and sets out to bring the Cellar Dweller back to life. Boy, does she bring him back to life. That's bad news indeed for all of our characters.
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Closure
I suppose the main attraction of this 2007 UK thriller, also known as
Straightheads, is seeing Agent Scully show the goods, but the truth is, I
had a problem accepting a British-accent speaking Gillian Anderson in this
role. It just didn't feel right, so I guess I watched too many X-Files,
and have typecast her in my own mind. The movie certainly isn't bad, but
it's not a knockout-punch either.
A woman asks the security guy who has just finished installing a new
system in her home to accompany her to a party in the woods. On the way
home, three men accost them, the guy is beaten and horribly disfigured,
and the woman is beaten and sexually assaulted. This experience leads to a
strange relationship for the pair.
Weeks later, the woman learns the identities of their attackers, and
drags her reluctant new boyfriend into a plot to exact revenge.
It is not a bad effort, and there's certainly plenty of action for
violence junkies, but in the end it left me fairly unimpressed.
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