Thursday

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Night of the Bloody Apes (1968) is a Mexican exploitation gore film about a doctor whose son is dying of leukemia, and a female wrestler and her police lieutenant boyfriend. The doctor decides the way to save his son is to transplant a gorilla heart into him, then replace his blood with gorilla blood. Meanwhile, our female wrestler (Norma Lazareno), throws her opponent (Norelia Noel) from the ring, and causes a splinter of skull to enter her brain. Our good doctor operates. Meanwhile, the transplant takes place, complete with actual heart transplant footage inserted, and the son seems better, but with one minor problem. He starts to look ape-like, especially around the face, and starts killing women, and any men in the way of getting to the women. Guess which police lieutenant is in charge of the case.

Norma Lazareno, who has 112 credits at IMDB, shows buns and breasts in two shower scenes. Norelia Noel shows breasts and bush, all after becoming a vegetable, Gena Morett (39 credits, including El Callejón de los milagros) shows all three Bs, and an unknown victim shows breasts, buns and a crotch patch. Clearly made for a male audience, and exploiting both nudity and gore, this film has a lot of supporters based on its bad movie appeal. The plot is rather loose, the dubbing is laughable (for instance, the Mexican police chief has a strong Irish accent), the special effects a third rate, and the continuity is awful. In one scene, gorilla boy rips the skin from someone's neck. Only problem is that you can clearly see the latex mask he tears off before he even starts. When the gorilla attacks Gena Morett, he grabs her from the shower, and carries her to bed. Check out the upper right picture of any of her images. Not only is she bone dry, but the bottoms of her feet are dusty.

IMDB readers have this at 5.9 of 10. As a slasher, it is a D at best, but if the genre is bad movies, then this is a great example, and rates a C.

Movies 

The City of Lost Children is an indescribable wonder which provokes polarized responses. Many people say it is their favorite film. Others feel it is clever but incoherent gibberish. I like it, but not as much as I like Amelie, which is by the same director). No nudity

Spiders II - Breeding Grounds is yet another lame genre film made in Eastern European with a couple of recognizable Westerners and a bunch of Bulgarian extras. This time, the role of Judge Reinhold is played by Richard Moll (Bull, from Night Court).

• Stephanie Niznik
• Various Eastern European arachnochicks name Somethingova. (1, 2, 3)

Tuvalu is a German-made silent film in Black and White. No, it isn't from Pabst or Fritz Lang. It was made in 1999! This is one arty-ass motherfucker.

• speaking of Somethingova chicks, here's Chulpan Khamatova (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

The Perfect Son is a weepy-ass dyin' Canadian man flick. Two estranged brothers come together for their dad's funeral. The "good" brother is dying of AIDS. The evil scumbag brother gets his own life together while learning to love his brother again. I have no idea if these pictures are really Chandra west. The scene was miles from the camera, in near darkness, with a chartreuse filter. It could be pretty much any performer except Gerard Depardieu.

• Chandra West (???) (1, 2, 3)

Say Nothing is a made-for-cable erotic thriller. Nastassja Kinski's character got naked a lot, but Nasty wasn't providing the body. (For one shower scene, they used a 25ish woman with enormous breasts!) Kinski did get into a bikini a couple of times. As you can see from the image on the bottom right, she is not really in shape for nude scenes anymore. her thighs are so heavy and so filled with cellulite that she could use Ben Grimm as a body double, assuming he could do something about that orange color. Her face, however, is still absolutely beautiful, and her smile is better than ever, warmer than it used to be.

• Kinski

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Bridget Fonda, beautiful breast exposure while taking a milk bath.

• Lara Flynn Boyle, also showing off a great pair. Proof that breasts don't need to be big and/or fake to be wonderful!

• Traci Lind, breat and bum views.

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Wolfhound. Big dog. Real big dog, all smelly and shaggy and dumb as a box of rocks but lovable in its own way. Good description of the beast, perfect description of the movie. Wolfhound (2002) is a direct to video treat for which different kinds of advice can be given to different kinds of people. For the learned movie-goer, who calls movies "films" or 'the cinema" and who thinks this stuff is an art-form even though you can eat a $5 box popcorn and a $3 box of Milk Duds whilst partaking... for him I have some advice if he happens upon this movie in his favorite video store: back away from the Wolfhound, slowly, deliberately, and for god sake make no sudden moves to touch it or pick it up. Now for the good ol' Funhouse reader I have some other advice: grab that puppy and take it home. Here's why.

An Irish-American, his wife and two kids go back to the village of his ancestors, where it turns out people morph into wolfhounds and wolfhounds into people. Supposed to be some sort of alpha-male struggle, finding your true nature but living up to responsibilities kinda message to all this, but it is all so bad. The acting, the special effects, the plot, the dialogue and the snivelling little kids are bad. All bad. Kids are so annoying its damn lucky they weren't born when the casting for The Shining was done, 'cuz if either of em had gotten the part you woulda started seeing things Jack's way. Bad. Unremittingly bad. Kinda like The Howling without all the care and loving that went into that movie. But this isn't just an ordinary pale reflection of The Howling, it is The Howling meets Night Eyes 3 or Scandalous Behavior or Midnight Tease or any one of several dozen B movies with righteous amounts of T and A splashed about. THAT is why I can recommend it to you, fellow readers of the Funhouse. Lots of T. Acres of T. And A, too... a good bit of A. And some P or B or whatever letter you wanna call that third dandy part sported by the female of the species. How much of these, you ask? Well, you got former Hefmate Julie Lynn Cialini with about 20 minutes of screen time. Didn't put a stopwatch to it, but 20 minutes is close enough. And for 18 of those minutes she is nude, nekkid, a-buff-o. Sport-humps her way through this one, she does During all that time she has exactly 9 lines of dialogue. Short lines. My kind of woman: gorgeous, voracious appetite for the better things in life and very, very quiet. And if that were not enough, we also have the beautiful redhead, Regina Russell, and former Pet and veteran B movie babe, Julie K. Smith in a loooong threesome with lots of girl-girl contact. Entirely gratuitous scene, for which the girls get no credit, but well worth watching. Sort of like the whole movie.

So today we have the first of Julie Cialini's scenes, in which she reveals that okay, she's a dog, but things could be a whole lot worse. Boobs in the first four, bum in the fifth.

• Julie Cialini (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Michelle Alves, fully nude, hands cover the goodies.

• Jamie Bochert, very open jump suit with a single breast exposed, plus a slight hint of pubes.

• Maria Carla Boscone, a little something for those who find smokers sexy.

• Michele Hicks, rear nudity. (1, 2)

• Jade Jagger, Mick's daughter topless.

• Hannelore Knuts, topless in links #1 and #4. (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Anouck Lepere, see-thru undies.

• Angella Lindvall, cleavage, nipple sighting in link #6, and (warning, obscure reference) a swim suit that belongs in a Talking Heads video. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

• Kylie Minogue, subtle nipple sighting.

• Kate Moss, topless.

Additional comments by Arthur Figgis.

These pics range from the late sixties to the early eighties. It was a time, when Romy was torn apart between her wish to lead a normal life and her quest for artistic perfection. The death of her son in 1981 was the beginning of the end. She was addicted to medication. In 1982 she starred in her last and probably best film "La Passante du Sans-Souci". On the 29th of May 1982 her heart stopped beating.

• Romy Schneider, toplessness and some rear nudity in links 16, 17 and 25. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)

JESSE JACKSON WANTS TO SNIP "BARBERSHOP"
The National Joke - Jesse Jackson protested that some of Cedric The Entertainer's jokes in the movie "Barbershop" about prominent civil rights figures being promiscuous were offensive. The producers apologized, but Jackson says that's not good enough: he wants the jokes cut from the DVD release.

"Strip N Run" aka "The Thief & the Stripper"
Directed by John Sjogren...the mastermind behind the classic Red Line"

Staring the late Brion James, Corey Feldman, Martin Kove, Michael Madsen, Roxana Zal and troubled former child star Todd Bridges!

I'll be the first one in line when that puppy hits the streets on October 29th!