Tuna and I were both quite impressed with some of the aesthetic achievements of this film, we liked the nudity, and we praised what the director achieved without money, but neither of was brimming with enthusiasm over this mostly depressing and negative film. Read our thoughts here.

The film does include one of the craziest sex scenes of the past few years. Obi Wan covers Emily Mortimer with custard, then he canes her ass, then he pours some condiments on her, then sodomizes her. Fine family entertainment! It would have been the hottest, most furious sex scene ever, except the director chickened out and didn't get them naked below the waist, so the sodomy portion ended up looking like one of those drive-in porn films from the seventies where the guys always kept their pants on.

Here's a zipped .wmv of that clip.

Xtro (1982)

Xtro is kind of a cynical spin on E.T., the mega-blockbuster which was released a few months earlier. Just as "E.T." is a neologism for "Extra Terrestrial," so is "Xtro." The film's advertising referred to the cuddly Spielberg film by featuring the catch phrase "not all extraterrestrials are friendly." The premise is essentially to ask what would have happened if E.T, instead of being an adorable little fellow, had been a murderous creature.

In the opening scene, a young boy sees his dad captured by aliens. I'm not sure why the xtros captured this particular guy. Judging from the aliens' dentition, you'd think that if they were to need humans on their planet, it would be dentists. On the other hand, if they wanted to capture top-notch dentists, they wouldn't be invading in the U.K. At any rate, nobody believes the lad's kidnapping story. People assume that dad ran off with some floozie and the kid is making up stories to sublimate his pain. Some years later, Dad returns - sort of. We know that the grotesque aliens return, and that seem to result in dad eventually, after an alien impregnates a human woman. This particular species seems to have a gestation period of about ten minutes, because the woman blows up like a balloon and immediately gives birth to an exact duplicate of the missing dad. We see him emerge, fully-formed but bloody, from the woman's womb. I'm still trying to figure out if dad was really dad or an alien impersonating dad, and why that childbirth process was necessary in either case. One thing is certain. That had to be one painful childbirth, because he came out much larger than the woman who gave birth to him.

"Dad" returns to his home, remembering nothing of the previous three years, but is not really welcomed with open arms, since he has been away for so long that his wife has moved on with her life. Mom and son now live with mom's new boyfriend and a sexy au pair, giving the alien/dad plenty of interesting possibilities for havoc, but the havoc is delayed for many minutes while mom and dad engage in soap opera dialogue, try to get in touch with their feelings, and criticize the Thatcher government, as if suddenly trapped in a Ken Loach film.

Dad decides to get reacquainted with his son and one of the things he manages to accomplish is to imbue the lad with some telekinetic powers that allow him to animate his toys. I'm not sure how this works, but the boy manages to bring a toy soldier and a clown to life as a full-sized commando with deadly military gear and an evil dwarf clown. He also animates a toy tank with the ability to fire real rockets. Somehow he also manages to summon a live panther, presumably from something else in his toy box, although that bit is never really explained.

The scenes with the panther exist as non-sequiturs to the rest of the movie, but I wouldn't get upset about that if I were you, since the entire movie is a mess which really doesn't make much logical or narrative sense in the first place. If you start asking yourself why the script's events are happening, you will be hard-pressed to formulate explanations. This is not the kind of film where the screenwriter spent weeks imagining what the aliens were like on their home planet, and then tried to create a scenario to depict how their culture would interface with humans. It's more like the kind of film which resolves to make the grossest visuals possible, and uses the alien premise as a loose framework to facilitate the shock and gore. There are humans in cocoons and gratuitous snakes and pulsating eggs added here and there for no special reason other than that they look creepy. It's a true exploitation film.

Does it succeed on its own terms? In a way, yes, once it ends its inexplicable dalliance with Ken Loach social realism. Some of the effects are very poor, like the appearance of the alien ships, which is about as realistic as a scene from Colonel Bleep, but the film has some good moments as well. Some of the slime and gore is effective enough to make your flesh crawl a bit, and that is what some genre fans find appealing about this film.

This was the screen debut for future Bond Babe Maryam D'Abo, and she entered the word of cinema naked as a jaybird. Unfortunately for us, Maryam's nudity got sort of diluted by the widescreen theatrical transfer on the DVD, and the scenes where she was standing up went from full frontals in the full screen VHS version to being merely topless on the DVD.

Here are my new captures of Maryam D'Abo

And here are some old captures of Maryam D'Abo which demonstrate what was lost from the bottom of the frame.

While browsing the Encyclopedia doing some research on Simonetta Stefanelli (the actress who played Michael Corleone's Sicilian wife), I found out that she also showed some skin in 1975's "Peccati in famiglia" (Sins in the Family). Since this film was on TV a couple of weeks ago and I recorded it, I decided to check it out. Simonetta shows all 3 B's but just barely. In addition, lighting conditions aren't great and the film itself wasn't preserved too well.

These four short zipped .avi clips (1, 2, 3, 4) are my final contribution on this actress. In clips 3 and 4 you can see her doing some naughty stuff with Michele Placido, her real-life husband till 1994. If you enter "Violante Placido" in the search field you will be taken to Charlie's archives where you'll see that mom and dad didn't do a bad job at all.

The movie happened to be a big disappointment for me. This thing takes itself so serious that it simply doesn't work anymore. Not only is the dialogues lacking in wit, but the movie also ended up short on sensuous situations, and the nudity count is simply too low. This is a feature that makes you realize what a wonderful invention the fast forward button is.

SCOOP'S NOTE:

Well, as long as we're on the subject, here are two more films where Simonetta showed some of the goods

Here are some caps of Simonetta Stefanelli from La Nuora Giovane

And here is a scene from Non commettere atti impuri, in which Simonetta Stefanelli looks young and gorgeous!

A little variety today.

First up is b-movie vet Tane McClure who made an appearance back in 1986 in "Crawlspace" billed only as Tane. We see her in a sexy red bra which Tane cuts holes in to reveal her nipples. Then she becomes a 'Damsel in Distress" as a guy hold a knife to her throat. However, it's only pseudo-distress as it was just a little role play game.

Tane McClure

Next we have Tara Reid with some nice cleavage from an "E" Network show called "Taradise".

Tara Reid

Rya Kihlstedt

Next up, another batch o' 'caps featuring the late night softcore regular Gabriella Hall. Here she is topless and showing a hint of pubes while gettin' it on in scenes from an episode of "Erotica Confessions"

Gabriella Hall

Scoops,
Today I have some 'caps from a rarely seen German movie called "Wounded Faces". Antonietta Bonomi, Gabrielle Odinis and Karin Moser aren't exactly well-known actresses, but they were all kind enough to show off their breasts in this 1991 movie.

Antonietta Bonomi

Gabrielle Odinis

Karin Moser

"Howling II: Your Sister is a Werewolf"
Sequel to the very good 1981 werewolf flick The Howling, 1985's Howling II is not as good, but it still has some pretty cool footage.

The brother of a man killed in the first movie is recruited by werewolf hunter Stefan (Christopher Lee) to join a band of werewolf hunters to find and kill Stirba, Queen of the Werewolves (Sybil Danning).

The fairly lame plot is saved only slightly by some interesting special effect that are not as good as in the first movie, and nudity that's actually more plentiful than the first.

Worth seeing if you're a werewolf fan, but don't expect as good as the original.

"Red Shoe Dairies: episode Weightless"
These caps are not from the DVD collection but they do feauture full frontal nudity that is only shown in the cable version.

Darya Poverennova: all threes Bs.

"Rescue Me" season II

Andrea Roth: partial boob.

Diane Farr: partial boob in one episode, nice brassiere in another.

"Over There"
New cable series about Iraq. Brigid Brannagh plays an adulterous army wife who sleeps with a different man each episode.

Brigid Brannagh: bare back, mega cleavage.

""Degrassi: The Next Generation"" episode Venus part one
Last week's season five opener started out with some nice bikini shots and then ended with a naughty videotape. Part two on Monday.

Cassie Steele: nice bikini.

Miriam McDonald: busty in bikini, bare back taking off top.

"Queer as Folk" season five
No little (female) nudity for the final season.

Kathryn Greenwood: brassiere in episode two.

"Invasion" pilot
Last week's series premiere featured Kari Matchett lying nekkid in a marsh.

Kari Matchett: fully nude but showing nothing.

"The L Word" season 2

Dena Robb : boobs and buns as stripper in "Lap Dance".

Francine Cohen: ditto.

Audra Rickets: full frontal skinnidipping in her second appearance in "Lynch Pin".

Gina Holden: topless getting felt up by Jennifer Beals in "Lynch Pin".

"Cold Squad": episode Girlfriend in a Closet
Episode from the final season seven.

Jewel Staite: posing for naughty photographs.

Sonja Bennett: keeping her clothes on and legs closed.

Cleaning up my harddrive...

Natasha Stillwell: perky hostess showing slight pokies in commercial for "Daily Planet".

Melanie Marden: bikini in beer commercial.

AxeU: lots of cleavage in commercial for www.axeu.ca

Anna Maxwell Martin: nice downblouse in a recent "Dr. Who" episode.

Jane Sowerby: tight sweater in an episode of "Instant Star".

Amy Kerr: nice wet downblouse in an episode of Lexx.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

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