The Perfumed Garden is a lovely bit of erotica filmed in India. Not really a hard core, it is a good film to watch with your significant other. It is the story of a young couple, he an archeologist specializing in artifact restoration, and she a buyer for a garment manufacturer. They are deeply in love, but have one small problem -- he is impotent. He decides to accept an assignment in India, partially to run away from the problem, but she finds out and goes with him. They meet a mysterious Indian woman, who tells them a story about the Kama Sutra. The story ends up explaining his condition. To say more would be a spoiler. There is enough nudity to make this erotica, but even the non nude scenes are sensual. The art direction, lighting and photography are amazing. The acting is good enough.

Don't get me wrong ... this will never win an Oscar, but it is a lovely bit of erotica that can be enjoyed as such by both sexes. Amy Lindsey is a virtual unknown, but Rajeshwari Sachdev has six credits. The US title is Tales of the Kama Sutra. Release was this Tuesday. It took them two years after production to find someone willing to distribute.

Well, I wouldn't use this as a date movie. And you might forget about taking the family, unless you are a member of the Manson family. This is a movie about a severely dysfunctional family. How dysfunctional? Well, dad takes sis to an abandoned machine gun bunker on the seaside cliffs of Devon, where he fucks her in the ass while junior films it.

And that's a family picnic. You should see what they do when they're mad at each other.

Kind of an unusual project from the Disney folks. Probably the most sodomy in a Disney flick since that one where Tigger nailed Eeyore. (Bouncy bouncy, bouncy bouncy. Fun fun fun fun fun. Who-hoo-hoo-hoo). And you thought Eeyore had a negative attitude before!

All right, it isn't a Disney flick, and they aren't on a family holiday.

It is the first time directorial effort from actor Tim Roth, and is a project close to his heart, as he admits in the commentary that both he and his dad were victims of child abuse. I think it is possible to argue that this is the best rookie directorial effort ever. Offhand, I can't remember a first time director making such a universally lauded film.

In addition, the two kids were also first timers. Lara Belmont went into acting when she finally determined that her family would never get back together with Dion.

All joking aside, it is possibly the most relentlessly grim movie you will ever see. It is powerful, and depressing. The subject matter is stark enough, but it is filmed in the minimalist style of Tarkovsky and Bergman, with sparse dialogue, empty interiors and exteriors, limited background music, and slow pacing. The sun never shines. Nobody ever smiles. It's a horror movie where the horror is real.

This storytelling economy also applies to the details of the characters. Why does dad do it? Why does sis let him? Does mom know? If so, does she ignore it? Why did they have that strange incident in London? We don't know.

The incident I referred to: sis takes brother to a friend's flat. Sis persuades the friend to take her brother's cherry, but at the last minute she interrupts them and prevents the act from being completed. Sorry to say I didn't understand this sequence at all, and I didn't see the need for it.

Actually, I didn't understand the ending either. After striking back at the dad, sis and brother are in the bunker together. She asks what they are going to do, and he goes to shut the door of the bunker, while the camera pulls off to a helicopter shot.

I thought, given their location, this meant that the legacy of abuse had been passed on, and that the brother was going to do the nasty with sis. But Tim Ross says in his commentary that they were simply shutting off the world, and shutting out our prying into their lives.

Well, whatever. These minimalist films are meant to leave some blurring along the edges, anyway.

Consensus review: Critics averaged pretty damned close to four stars. Apollo gave it 90. Four from Ebert, Four from Berardinelli. I suppose you might say that Berardinelli did more than merely give it four stars. He picked it as his best picture of 1999.

There is considerable nudity from the father and sister (Lara Belmont), some from the mother (Tilda Swinton)

IMDB summary: expert moviegoers liked it, but didn't like it as much as critics. 7.7 out of 10 at IMdb, and 77/100 from Apollo users. I guess the average was approximately three stars from members at these two sites.

Box Office: pretty much nothing. $237,000. Never made it to more than seven screens. No matter how many critics praise a movie like this, it isn't going to head for the top of the box office lists. Tuna told me that most of the people who have seen it have not paid, but have seen it at clinics, schools, and therapy sessions that deal with incest and other forms of child abuse.

DVD info from Amazon. Includes full-length commentary from Tim Roth, and a great deal of information about intervention techniques and opportunities in child abuse cases.

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Now for new things. A friend who is usually reliable in these matters sent me some scans from a lingerie catalogue; he swears they are of Brooke Burke. So I cleaned up those scans and send them along with the fervent hope he is right.

And I ran into the original source of the Catherine Zeta-Jones, pre-Michael Douglas paparazzi pics. Here I thought the scans ate the big green weenie and it turned out the damn pics were to blame. Spent a while with them, glued the scans together into a montage and here it is. I know you and half the Funhouse visitors are disappointed with CZJ's bod, as if anyone with that face should by all rights have a killer set of hooters. But Gentlemen, there is one and only one Laetitia Casta; to expect a second is to be very, very greedy.

Speaking of washed out, 80's pop icons...Apollonia is teaming up with Tubbs! Yup, Philip Michael Thomas is "acting" again. The movie is "Vampirates". Actually there is potential for it to be not so bad. It's being directed by one of my heroes, Tom Savini. Probably best known to the laypersons as "Sex Machine" in "From Dusk Til Dawn". For the B-movie geeks like myself, Tom is a legend. He is the "The Godfather of Gore", and king of B-movie special effects...make-up in particular. you've seen his work in such classics as "Friday the 13th", "Dawn of the Dead", "Creepshow", "Day of the Dead", "Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh", and "Killing Zoe" to name a few.

I caught parts of "Emmanuelle 6" on cable about 2 months ago, and I thought it really was a beautifully filmed movie. Probably a soft core that women and couples can enjoy. Thanks to Dann for the images.