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Web (Uncle Scoopy)
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Updates:
- Charlie's French cinema nudity site has been updated
- The Movie House now has a review of
The Candy Snatchers
- The Movie House now has a review of
Flesh for
Frankenstein
- Tuna e-mailed to say he'll be rejoining us very soon.
Mailbox: Hey Scoopy.
Just thought I'd clarify that the pic you ran of Lucy Pinder (a very
popular English Page 3 girl right now, by the way) in Thursday's section was
posed glamour not "posed paparazzi." The "posed paparazzi" phenomenon has
been around in the UK tabloids for several years, but it's become more and
more blatantly obvious in the past year or so. I've even heard rumours some
"posed paparazzi" shots are taken aboard the yacht belonging to the
publisher of one of these newspapers (Daily Sport, I think).
Not that my magazine or our readers are complaining. We run shots like
these every week: it's our bread and butter (as are those great snaps of
drunk Page 3 gals flashing their boobs and knickers at the paparazzi as they
leave London nightclubs).
Love yer
work, by the way.
Cheers,
Dan Lennard
Deputy editor
PEOPLE
Sydney, Australia
Yeah, you're right, Dan. I was in a hurry, and haste led
to sloppiness.
Havoc (2004)Anne Hathaway and Bijou Phillips
gettin' laid and almost laid. 'Nuff said.
Demon Seed (1977)
Science fiction, in order to work property, needs these components in a
powerful combination:
1. Visual imagination.
2. Challenging concepts that draw out our own hopes and/or fears about
the future.
3. The usual things that make any movie work: witty and/or profound
dialogue, a good story, interesting characters, heartfelt emotions,
cinematic poetry, etc.
When a film aces item three, it is a great movie, while the other two
items make it a great science fiction movie.
In that context, Demon Seed is almost an utter failure.
Item three - fuggittaboudit. Given the above
list of elements which comprise a great film, Demon Seed has pretty much
"none of the above." Although it is technically better than the post-atomic
paranoia films of the 1950s, it is nonetheless, at its heart,
straightforward 1950s-style cheese-a-palooza about the dangers of science.
In this case, the bugbear is not "atomic energy" but "artificial
intelligence." A computer gains so much intelligence that it adapts human
emotions and longings. Realizing that men will eventually shut it down, it
longs for immortality and, because men have shaped its psyche, it hopes to
gain that immortal status by having a child with a human woman. Once must
concede that It has excellent taste, given that the human woman in question
is Julie Christie, the wife of the computer's creator. Naturally, since the
creation was modeled after the creator, the machine's development of
preferences and free will must ultimately reflect its creator's own
subconscious, although it has the voice of The Man from UNCLE.
To make a long story short, it ties Julie Christie up, inserts a bunch of
wires and fluids inside of her, and knocks her up. I could go on, but if you
have seen any similar film, you will not be surprised by this one. It's just
a drive-in movie, albeit one featuring a bigger star than the genre norm.
The dialogue has neither the wit nor the poetry required to turn it into
Blade Runner. The characters are completely undeveloped, basically just
rough stereotypes with nothing much of a back story and nothing much to say.
We gain some empathy for Julie Christie because she seems like a decent
human being who is mistreated by a machine, but we don't really know
anything about her, and what we know is not completely sympathetic. The
other two main characters are simply generic. Robert Vaughn (the uncredited
robot voice) is the most interesting character.
Plus it must face the kiss of death for any movie - BORRRRRRRRRRRING!
Item one - nope. No success here either. It
is possible that this film impressed in 1977, but it certainly seems
primitive today. The computer visuals are pre-PC-era: laser light shows,
mathematical shapes, and colored kaleidoscope effects, all of which are
about as interesting as watching the screen savers from 1984 personal
computers. The mechanical visuals are so primitive that they would
embarrass Doctor Evil immediately after he was unfrozen, before he had a
chance to be brought up to speed on modern progress. A wheelchair with
frickin' laser beams, fer chrissakes! The purely cinematic visuals include
such things as the complete history of mankind force-fed into a one minute
video, like those old Smothers Brothers segments accompanied by "Classical
Gas." The hybrid human/computer baby looked like a gilded angel from an
early Renaissance sculpture.
The film thus had only one source to provide entertainment and
involvement: item two, the speculation about
mankind's future. In this area it did better, but proved neither especially
prescient nor especially engaging. We expect to look at old science fiction
films some decades later and see that they were completely wrong about our
time. However, we do expect that they will still cause some interesting
conversations at our dinner table. This script's concept of the sum of all
mankind's learning, as assimilated by Proteus the AI computer, could be
boiled down to one thing: don't wear fur.
All of mankind's knowledge collected in one place - to produce the brain
of Pamela Anderson!
Not to mention her sex drive.
The film does have Julie Christie nekkid, so it has that goin' for it,
but even there one must face the fact that Julie, albeit still gorgeous, was
pushin' 40! (Check out Julie's most famous nude scene in Herr Haut's section
below.)
(Film clip linked below the thumbnails):
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Crimson Ghost
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Captures and comments from the Ghost
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Cherokee in "Sex Games Vegas" |
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ICMS
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'Clips and comments by ICMS
Today's main dish consists of two saucy ladies from the Seventies and the
occasion is the adventure movie "The 5th Musketeer" (1979, or 1977 according
to the end credits).
The story takes place in France in the 17th century at the royal court in
Versailles. King Louis is set to marry a Spanish princess, Maria Theresa
(Sylvia Kristel), but it is obvious that he likes his mistress Louise de la
Vallière (Ursula Andress) much more.
As it happens the king has a much nicer twin brother, Philippe, who was kept
hidden somewhere in the French Southwest and who is ignorant of his descent,
as is practically everyone except the four musketeers. This twin brother turns
out to be the aforementioned 5th musketeer. The king's advisors set up a plan
to get rid off this possible threat to the throne once and for all and making
the king more popular in the process. Needless to say that their plan
backfires and that a battle for the crown between the twins ensues with each
leading lady helping her love interest. The good twin can also can count on
his four aging musketeers, but they don't achieve that much because they're
getting to old for this kind of shenanigans.
The film itself could have turned out much better than what it is now. If the
story had been better outlined from the start with some elaborate plot twists
here and there, much of the problems would have been resolved. Some more
creative editing mightn't have gone astray either.
Having said all this, The 5th Musketeer doesn't seem to take itself too
seriously and perhaps that's why it is not a bad watch that I actually did
enjoy. The credits for that go on the one hand to the actors, who all believed
in what they were doing and put in solid performances (except Sylvia Kristel,
if you consider her an actress) and on the other hand to the beautiful
locations and the exquisite costumes.
But in the end the feeling remains that with an all star cast like Beau
Bridges, Ursula Andress, Ian McShane, José Ferrer, Rex Harrison and Olivia de
Havilland and some of the most beautiful castles around Vienna, including
Schönbrunn, director Ken Annakin (Skywalker?) somewhat underachieved in this
one. In my opinion this film rates a solid C in our rating system.
But "what's with the naughty bits?" you must be wondering by now. Well, we have a
triple B performance from Ursula Andress in two zipped .avi clips ( 1,
2) and breasts
(although she appears to be naked in some scenes) by Sylvia Kristel in four
zipped .avi clips ( 1,
2,
3,
4). Are you satisfied?
And now a few words about the biggest mystery of The 5th Musketeer: the DVD.
The only commercial DVD available is a region one PG-rated disk. It is a
beautiful transfer, remastered in HD and edited by Sony Pictures. There is
only one big problem with it: they opted for the 104 minutes PG-rated version.
Not only is all the nudity gone, several other scenes disappeared wholely or
in part as well. Obviously someone must have thought that this movie needed
some speeding up, which it doesn't.
The version I watched as well, because I looked at both versions
simultaneously, is the German 116 minutes long version (PAL time), recorded
from TV.
To me it goes without saying that those 15 missing minutes should have stayed
in. Not only do they provide extra information on what's happening, they also
add flavor to the time period and the locations. What is even sillier is that
PG version has the nudity cut, but not the violence and the profanity. Someone
out there must think it is more harmful to see Ursula Andress and Sylvia
Kristel naked inn their prime than seeing people getting killed or a woman
being called a bitch and a whore. Strange thing, certainly in my opinion.
So my advice is, stay away from this region 1 DVD and wait until there is an
unrated print (if ever). I still have no clue why they spent so much money on
remastering this incomplete version instead of the German version that would
have needed a skilfull restoration.
That's it for today.
PS - Those HD caps of Mimi Rogers are truly stunning in quality. Wow.
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Dann
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'Caps and comments by Dann Slaughterhouse of the Rising Sun
(2004)
The first thing that strikes you about this 2004 comedy/horror film is that
it looks like it was made in the early 70's. The second thing that strikes you,
as the movie progresses, is that it's a pretty good movie.....B-movie, sure, but
good nonetheless.
Jennifer is part of a porno shoot (she's the female partner) when she
suddenly goes postal, kicks the male partner in the cods, and tries to gouge out
his eyes.
Sent to a mental institution and claiming she can't remember anything about
the incident, she is released after 6 months, and having nowhere to go, winds up
out in the desert, where her car is run off the road by two yahoos bent on a
little fun. As she is trying to escape from the two guys, she is rescued by a
group of hippies.
With her car disabled, she joins the group. Things go well enough, with
Jennifer enjoying the drugs and other activities, until a ghostlike group of
"figures" starts killing off the band one by one.....or is Jennifer doing the
killing?
Surprisingly well-done and enjoyable film, with a slick if predictable
ending.
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Hankster
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'Caps and comments by Hankster:
More from "Lust Connection". Today with Jodie Moore in the spotlight.
Now for those of you that are fitness freaks this is what a good workout
should be like. Jodie and the stud man (I call him that because he gets all
the action in this flick). As you would expect Jodie winds up totally naked
and screwed.
Gotta run now, I am heading for the local gym.
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Herr Haut
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Carole Bouquet in Dagobert |
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Carole Bouquet in Astrakan |
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Julie Christie in Don't Look Now |
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Melisa McGregor in Satan's Little Helper |
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| Movie Reviews
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MOVIE REVIEWS:
Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the
review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that
there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written
by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too
ashamed to admit it.
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| Other Crap
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2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour : Day 15 - Indianapolis Colts
Fantasy Football fans around the world are either incredibly
ecstatic, or just plain ol' hate the world right now. And the
reason resides in Indianapolis. One look at
Peyton Manning's stats shows that he is no where near his
torrid pace for TD passes of the 2004 season. Many fantasy
football players have bet the farm that Manning could come close
or surpass his NFL record breaking performance of last season.
There is still a lot of football to be played this year, but even
with thirteen games remaining, it seems unlikely that Manning will
have another record year.
The action on the sidelines may be stronger than that of the
Colts offense. That is saying something! The Colts have long been
known for a high powered attack, and two years ago I ranked the
Colts cheerleaders at the bottom of the league. Well, times they
are a changing. The
Colts Cheerleaders are an improving squad. A nifty logo, nicer
uniforms, and much improved web site adds a lot to this team.
Impressive veterans, such as Associate Analytical Chemist,
Kristie (most impressive), and young rookies like
Brittany round out the team. The profiles display many
pictures of each girl, and a Cheerleader of the Week section goes
into greater depth on the bios. I really like the Photos section.
The pictures of the team members can be sorted by name or by game.
I would also like to give a thumbs up on the
hats and chaps worn during the
Jacksonville game. Nice! The video section touts "everything from
how the squad was built to Cheerleader Workout segments." I could
not get the section to work to give it a proper review. It may be
the web site, or it may be my Internet connection. Either way, the
thought of it is a needed addition that all NFL squads should
offer. Two Ashleys, two Megans, three Hollys, four Jens, and four
Jessicas, show the need for diversity. This is a squad on the
upswing, but still in the middle of the pack.
Rating 7.0 out of 10.
BitTorrent gets $8.75 million in venture capital.
Firefox Momentum Slows. In the past five months, MSIE lost less
than half a percent, from 88.86 to 88.46. Looking at the recent
months as separate periods of time,
Firefox actually appears to be declining.
What is the World's Favorite Song?
Three clips from Two for the Money, the sports gambling movie
with Pacino and McConaughey. The trailer makes the movie seem very
similar to The Devil's Advocate.
One more clip from Tony Scott's Domino
Six clips from Into the Blue, the Paul Walker/Jessica Alba eye
candy movie. They aren't dating, but they should be. My son and I
have concluded that they are the world's only couple capable of
producing children more beautiful than Pitt and Jolie's.
The teaser from Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks
The trailer for
Rumor Has It... (Jennifer Aniston's new film about the family
which seems to have been the basis for The Graduate.)
The Daily Show:
"With his seventh visit to the Gulf Coast the president is showing
that he's on the case...now."
The Daily Show presents The Pee Bag Song
Comedian Jeff Garlin and Jon Stewart share a Three Musketeers and
some love.
The Daily Show's Senior Post-Disaster Investigation Analyst Rob
Corddry describes how "Brownie" was just too trusting.
The Daily Show looks at Giant Squid
"DeLAY, FRIST TO WED" ... Embattled Republicans Seek Legal
Protection as Gay Married Couple
Scenes deleted from Revenge of the Sith.
The official website of Ashley Massaro, the winner of the WWE
diva showdown. I didn;t see any explicit nudity, but she comes
really close.
Useful bookmark for gamers:
GameTrailers.com
I know 2005 isn't over yet, but clearly this will be the
"Headline of the YEAR" -
New Zealand finds Black Cocks hard to swallow
Vanessa Williams on the beach in a bikini
The "it" show ...
People go absolutely ga-ga over "Lost"
- Submitter wrote: "Fans of Lost had tons of questions after
last nights episode. Shocking plot twists, hidden messages, and
high drama is good, but we all want to know...are there any more,
and/or better, screen caps of Kate (Evangeline Lilly) crawling
around in that A/C shaft? PS - For the record I was quite happy
with the scene of her tied up and trying to escape. Lots of lean
sweaty flesh...WOW! The girl is HOT!"
- No argument from me! She's one mighty fine-lookin' woman.
Saving Rainforest Iowa: Right For America, Right For Puppies
Flight attendants outraged over Jodie Foster film. SPOILER
ALERT: don't read this if you plan to see the movie. It gives away a
big secret (which you would not guess on your own because it is so
improbable.).
Six clips from Sueno
- "John Leguizamo, Elizabeth Peña and Ana Claudia Talancón star
in this inspirational film about Antonio, a young man who gets the
once in a lifetime chance to make his dreams of becoming a
musician a reality. Antonio moves from Mexico to Los Angeles to
pursue his dreams of sharing his music with the world. Just as he
is about to give up after toiling at his uncle's fast food joint,
his dreams become within reach when the "Chance of a Lifetime
Mystery Musician Contest" comes to town. Along the way to making
his dreams a reality, Antonio meets up with two beautiful women
who also rediscover their passions."
A full ten-minute excerpt from Capote , the new story about the
relationship Truman Capote struck up with one of the killers
portrayed in In Cold Blood.
A long featurette about the full-length Firefly movie, Serenity
Mr Bill goes to the circus.
This is a strange, creative idea -
an alternate trailer for The Shining.
Slammer for 'The Hammer' ... "DeLay named 'Big House' Majority
Leader"
"A newly discovered Dead Sea Scroll has revealed that Columbus, Ohio
and parts of Licking and Fairfield Counties are actually the site of
the Holy Land"
- "The Palestinian Liberation Organization has opened up a
recruiting office on High Street near the Ohio State University
campus. Business, however, has been slow as few persons in this
predominantly Methodist city have expressed much interest in
becoming suicide bombers, especially as football season is
starting up and the Buckeyes have done well in the pre-season
polls."
"Congressional Panel Bukkakes On Michael Brown"
Ashton and Demi's "Punk'd" Wedding. Was their actual wedding
ceremony a prank for the show? Were the rumors of their wedding a
prank? Or is it a prank that people are claiming their wedding was a
prank? Is it, in fact, a prank that I am claiming that these things
might be pranks? Even I don't know that last one.
The trailer for Annapolis
- "About a boy (Franco) from the wrong side of the tracks whose
dream of attending the U.S. Naval Academy becomes a reality.
Brewster plays an upper classman who helps Franco's character
train in the ring as the two fall for each other, even though it
is a violation of academic policy."
First real good pics of them together ...
Hollywood super-hunks Brad and Angelina shopping, riding motorcycles
in Edmonton.
Angelina stumps for AIDS relief
- and looks mighty good doin'
it! Very complicated woman. I expect she will be getting bored with
movies very soon, similar to what Julie Christie went through some
decades ago. |
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Pat Reeder
www.comedy-wire.com
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NASA CHIEF SAYS PAST 30 YEARS A MISTAKE
Houston, We Have A Problem - NASA chief Michael Griffin told USA Today that he
thinks virtually everything the space agency has done in the past 30 years was a
mistake. Griffin thinks NASA should have continued exploring the moon and
space, not spent all its time and money endlessly orbiting Earth. He said the
space shuttle design was "deeply flawed," and not worth the expense, difficulty
and risk, and he would not "have built the space station we're building in the
orbit we're building it in."
* We could have at least let it pass over Jessica Alba's house, and sent back
some pictures worth seeing.
* If we wanted astronauts to share a cramped, airless space with Russians, we
could've just rented an apartment in Moscow.
COURT PROTECTS LIVE SEX SHOWS
Speak, Write, Print, Screw, It's All The Same - Thursday, Oregon's Supreme Court
continued its pattern of banning the regulation of obscenity by striking down a
state law against live sex shows and a local ordinance regulating nude dancers.
The 1859 state constitution reads, "No law shall be passed restraining the free
expression of opinion, or restricting the right to speak, write or print freely
on any subject whatever." The court ruled that it "appears to us to be beyond
reasonable dispute" that the clause was meant to cover even "physical acts, such
as nude dancing or other explicit sexual conduct, that have an expressive
component."
* They meant that back in 1859? No wonder it was called "the Wild West!"
* So you can have sex naked on stage, as long as you're simultaneously printing
political pamphlets.
* When they made this ruling, they were naked under their robes.
* Ted Kennedy wants Bush to pick his next Supreme Court Justice from this
court.
* They also struck down as unconstitutional the "No Shirt, No Shoes, No
Service" policy.
COUGH DROPS SET OFF DRUNK TESTS
Boozerman's Friend - Police in Germany are warning drivers not to suck on
Fisherman's Friend cough drops. A motorist was arrested after a breathalyzer
showed him to be over the legal limit, but a blood test found no booze in his
system. A forensic doctor said the driver had been sucking on a mentholated
Fisherman's Friend cough drop, and the essential oils in it react the same way
as alcohol in a breathalyzer. He said sucking three of those cough drops could
make you test three times over the limit.
* Moral: if you plan to drive drunk, suck on a Fisherman's Friend cough drop to
explain away the breathalyzer test.
ONLINE CHAT IS GROUNDS FOR DIVORCE
For Whom The Belgian Tolls - Be careful what you type in Belgium: a legal
magazine reports that due to a recent ruling by the Brussels Appeals Court,
exchanging erotic talk with a virtual partner in an online chatroom is now
grounds for divorce. The court found that while the transcripts don't prove
adultery, they do prove "grossly insulting behavior" to a participant's spouse.
* Well, then just don't mention your spouse!
* Your spouse's divorce lawyer will make sure you end up with virtually
nothing.
* You may also find you've traded your wife for a horny, 30-year-old fat dude
who lives with his parents.
COLLEGE STUDENT BOOZE NEWS ROUND-UP
Too Drunk To Count - A survey of more than 76,000 college students by the
National Social Norms Resource Center found that over 70 percent overestimate
the amount of booze their peers drink. At schools where the average is four
drinks per party, over two-thirds of students guessed that it was more than
that. Even at schools where non-drinking was the norm, 60 percent thought their
peers usually had three or more drinks at a party. Researchers said this
misperception that everyone else is boozing it up might encourage students to
drink more themselves.
* But apparently, it doesn't.
* It's so nice to learn our college students aren't all alcoholics; most of
them are just ignorant and misinformed!
* They know the real number because a previous poll asked how many drinks they
have at a party, and they said, "No more than four, I swear!"
Fine German Engineering - Two German college students have invented a "smart
beer mat" that fits under a normal cardboard beer coaster, detects when your
glass is getting light, and automatically orders a refill.
* And they think that's smart?
* If it were really smart, it would call you a cab.
VALENTINO: TODAY'S STARS A BUNCH OF SLOBS
Cupid's Arrows - Fashion icon Garavani Valentino lamented to a German paper that
the days when stars such as Marilyn Monroe and Liz Taylor were contractually
required to look glamorous in public are long gone. Valentino said, "They
changed their outfits two or three times a day or had a complicated hairstyle."
But he griped that today, Julia Roberts and Cameron Diaz go out in public
"unkempt, in jogging trousers," looking "like bag ladies."
* Hey, those are designer jogging trousers! $3,000 a pair!
* They think it makes them look younger to dress like the Olsen Twins.
* Today, celebrities' Chihuahuas dress better than they do.
* Today's stars have complicated hairstyles! YOU try combing your hair with an
egg beater!
* Younger starlets do groom their pubic hair very carefully, since they show it
in public so often.
COURTNEY LOVE'S MOM WRITES TELL-ALL
"I TOLD You It Would Go On Your Permanent Record!" - Courtney Love's mother has
written an upcoming book detailing Courtney's bad behavior all the way back to
diapers, including guzzling wine on Christmas Eve until she puked at age 12,
getting caught in a porn store at 9, and running around naked at 4 after her
hippy dad gave her "happy pills." Courtney's rep said she would not dignify its
"woeful inaccuracies" by responding.
* Besides, she's too busy running around naked and
popping "happy pills."
* When she was three, she O.D.'ed on Flintstones vitamins.
* With a daughter like that, you'd think it'd be her mom who needed "happy
pills."
WORST MOVIE SEX SCENES EVER (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Bang Away - The British film magazine Empire polled readers on the worst movie
sex scene ever. Finalists included Madonna dripping candle wax on Willem DaFoe
in "Body of Evidence" and the "gobble, gobble" scene in "Gigli," in which Ben
Affleck and Jennifer Lopez "couldn't generate enough heat to toast bread." But
#1 was Elizabeth Berkeley and Kyle MacLachlan thrashing in a swimming pool in
"Showgirls," which they said resembles the opening shark attack in "Jaws." And
#2 was "Damage," in which Jeremy Irons
shows his passion by banging Juliette Binoche's head on the floor.
* Original title: "Brain Damage."
* The people watching it knew how she felt.
* When J-Lo said, "Gobble, gobble," it wasn't a come-on, it was an admission
that they were making a turkey.
* They've obviously never seen any sex scene with Barbra Streisand. |
| A quick site note
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Hey gang, we invite you to check out our new affiliate program at Scoopycash.com.
If you have your own site or blog, sign up today and earn some extra cash in 2005 by promoting the Fun House!
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