Wednesday

Tuna
"What's Past is Past"

What's Past is Past (15 Oct 1999) is the 7th episode of the Cinemax series Pleasure Zone. This one radically deviates from the usual format in that there is only one naked woman, Tess Broussard, and only three sex scenes. Tess and her friend are at a club lamenting their lack of boyfriends. A guy asks Tess to dance, and she has a fantasy about having sex with him, then finds he is a total creep on the dance floor. Next, a married guy hits on her. She finally takes a guy home the next Friday night, but he turns out to be a mama's boy. It is then that her friend gives her a guest subscription to Pleasure Zone, where she finds the guy she had a crush o in High School.

When they finally meet, he is the same self-obsessed jerk he was in High School, and she ends up with the waiter in the restaurant, which accounts for the third and final sex scene. No tricky lighting this time. and Tess shows breasts, buns, and the area where a bush would be. The sex is a little tepid, but she does a pretty good strip near the end. This is a low C, almost to the C- range, and would probably offer more to women viewers than men, as it shows the difficulties of dating from the women's perspective.

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  • Tess Broussard (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 64, 65, 66, 67, 68, 69, 70, 71, 72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    Boat Trip (2003)

    It is easy to say that a movie sucks, but that doesn't accurately convey the proper depth of suckiosity. One may say, for example, that Britney Spears sucks as a singer, and that Bill Shatner sucks as a singer, but those statements fail to convey the fact that Shatner sucks a whole lot deeper. Britney merely sucks compared to Aretha Franklin. Shatner's singing sucks compared to the whale who starred in Free Willy. Shatner even goes beyond our meager human ability to imagine degrees of suckitiude. If an author created him, we would not believe or understand the creation. It is only his very existence which enables us to envision the specific degree of cosmic suckiosity he achieves. Indeed, even the cosmos must stand back in awe, since he comes close to the sucking power of a black hole ...

    ... or even of Yoko Ono.

    This brings us to Boat Trip. It is simply not enough to say how bad it sucks, since you will not be able to imagine it. It is beyond the very conceptualizing power of even the greatest human minds, or our greatest super computers. In a world in which everything sucked, they would still notice how bad this film sucks. In a world populated by the stars of Boat Trip, they would consider Jason Lee a comedy genius on a par with Chaplin, and Road House would be one of Shakespeare's greatest works. In a world in which Carol Channing could star in Madame Butterfly without attracting any notice, people would still comment about how bad Boat Trip sucked. In an entire world colonized by the descendants of Carrot Top, the residents would still find the comic acting in Boat Trip to be exaggerated and amateurish. In a world where Richard Nixon was the most respected ethics professor, they would still find Boat Trip to lack credibility.

    The concept: Two straight guys piss off a travel agent and end up on an all-gay cruise. What more is there to say?

    I remember reading that gay groups found this film offensive and demeaning. They were certainly right, although to the film's credit, it is offensive and demeaning to everyone. It's just that gay characters, and characters pretending to be gay, have the most screen time.

    Box Office mojo says the production budget was $20 million, and I suppose the studio must have thrown several million at the marketing as well. This was probably the worst use of money since Time Warner bought AOL. Greenlighting this movie was possibly the worst single decision since Napoleon's invasion of Russia.

    One sad note: some seven to ten years ago, it seemed that Cuba Gooding was the most promising new star in Hollywood. He had an Oscar. He was hosting SNL. The guy seemed to be able to act, do comedy, dance, you name it.  He seemed like a good guy as well.

    His last two movies: Boat Trip and Snow Dogs.

    What went wrong for the Cubatollah?

    There is a lot of nudity on the DVD. The two female stars and Victoria Silvstedt don't get naked, but they do get babealicious. Former soap opera star Roselyn Sanchez is drop dead gorgeous - like a really earthy, sexy Latin version of Sandra Bullock - and she wears some see-through blouses without bras, and gives a very impressive BJ to a banana! Vivica A Fox exposes yards of cleavage. The honest-to-goodness nudity comes from the various members of the "Swedish Suntanning Team" (who did some "Yumping Yacks") and three former Hefmates (Jami Farrell, Deanna Brooks, Natalia Sokolova) hired specifically to do the menu and some special features. Some girls did more than one thing. Jami Farrell, for example, is in a special feature, is in the DVD menu, and is also in the movie. I think the easiest way to find out what you want to see is to use the thumbnails, and look at the file names.

     

    Scenes of the Crime (2001)

    Somewhere along the line, there must have been a time when people thought this would be a major movie. It stars Jeff Bridges - that's pretty big-time. Madchen Amick wanted to be in it enough that she took a few lines as a convenience store clerk. The film screened at Tribeca (2002) and Deauville (2001), but never got a nibble on a theatrical release in the USA, and it took two years before it even came to DVD. There were some minor theatrical releases overseas.

    Here's Josh Ralske's description from the All Movie Guide

    A small-time crook who worships Steve McQueen gets in over his head in French music video director Dominique Forma's debut feature, Scenes of the Crime. Lenny (Jon Abrahams of Scary Movie) is about to be married, but he skips his own bachelor party to drive for thug Rick (Peter Greene), who, unbeknownst to Lenny, is planning a kidnapping. The kidnapping plot goes awry, and Lenny ends up alone in the van, holding the soft-spoken victim, Jimmy (Jeff Bridges), at gunpoint. Jimmy turns out to be a powerful criminal himself and warns Lenny that there will be dire consequences if he isn't released unharmed. While Jimmy's partner (Bob Gunton) negotiates his release with Rick's boss (Loyd Catlett), Jimmy's slimy bodyguard, Seth (Noah Wyle of E.R.), tries to figure out a way to resolve the situation himself. As the van sits parked on a city street, the couple that runs the nearby deli (Morris Chestnut and Madchen Amick) and a senile old man who lives nearby (R. Lee Ermey) become involved in the tense standoff. Based on an anecdote Forma heard in a seedy bar.

    Most of the film takes place in the back of a van, and the dramatic tension results from wondering how the driver can possibly extricate himself from a situation in which he will piss off a major crime figure no matter what he does. There are a couple of interesting plot twists and turnabouts in the last ten minutes, when it turns out that many things are not as they seem.

    There is a pretty good sex scene at the beginning of the film between Jon Abrahams (buns) and Mizuo Peck (breasts).

    • Mizuo Peck (1, 2)

     

    OTHER CRAP:

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    Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

     

     

     

     

    MOVIE REVIEWS:

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    Got some stuff from movies that I capped for other reasons. Lots of B movie babes, a couple of first timers and one A-list actress.

    Three women from Bare Wench: The Path of the Wicked.

    • Jill Thompkins in a couple of collages from her only performance to date. First collage has her in a group that includes the other bare wenches. In the second you see her alone in the bottom half, and her with chocolate syrup spread all over in the upper half. That's Seana Ryan standing near her.

    • Julie Dey, a second first-timer.

    • Nikki Fritz, veteran B-movie babe, in a triple-B performance. In the second collage, that's her with Julie Strain and Julie K. Smith cavorting about. (1, 2, 3)


    By the way, Jill Thompkins played a character named Jill in the movie and Julie Dey played a character named something other than Julie because Julie K. Smith got first dibs. Sorta like wearing Jeter's number if you are the coach's kid. Julie Strain didn't play Julie either... she played the Bare Wench, which is kinda like having Lara Flynn Boyle play the part of Scrawny Bitch.


    From Sex Court: The Movie, we have Nikki Fairchild in a triple-B performance shot on gynocam. Nikki is quite fair of face and has a right nice rumpus, but she went and spoiled it all with a pair of perfectly hemispheric, gravity-defying robohooters. Nothing natural 'bout them, no siree.

    Nikki has been in a lot of movies. Dozens. With titles that suggest her day job involves on-screen copulatory activity with boys and girls. Shoulda figured. When DTV producers need someone to give up serious goodies they go and hire one of the newer adult actresses, or so it seems.

    It might look as though I got lazy on you guys in collages 3 and 6, and stuck a couple of frames together, but each image in them was composed of 3 raw frames in a slow pan. Lots o' work, worth every second... to me, at least.

    • Nikki Fairchild (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)


    Athena Massey is well enough known to be an almost-A-list babe. Most of her clothing removal activity is in movies that were actually released to theatres. Here are five collages in the kick-ass topless scene from Poison Ivy 3.

    • Athena Massey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)


    Last few things are from The Hot Spot.

    First couple of collages are a cheesy answer to the question I posed the other day. Who is the most capped babe in the history of the Funhouse? Well, that would be "Uncredited Stripper." Done strut her stuff in some 300 movies.

    • Uncredited Stripper (1, 2)


    And last up is Virginia Madsen. This woman is damn near perfect. Seems to be real smart, can honestly act and has a shape most women pay good money to simulate.


    Part 2 of today's goodies....
    If memory serves... and there is a first time for everything... Ludivine Sagnier's performance in Gouttes d'eau sur pierres brulantes (Water Drops on Burning Rocks) was nominated for best nude performance of 2002, but was beat out by Heather Graham in Killing Me Softly. I voted for Heather.

    Having capped both movies I gotta say I made a mistake. A big mistake. It may be true that Heather Graham in Killing Me gave the second best A-list nekkid performance in the history of mankind, but Ludivine's performance is better. Way better. And coming from a guy who thinks Ms. Graham is more than just fine, thank you, that's saying something.

    Thing is, when I finished watching Killing Me and when I got done capping it, I was satisfied that a lot of folks had nailed that performance perfectly. What you saw in the caps is what you got on the screen.

    That is not the case with Water Drops. Several of the best cappers in the business... and now one of the more mediocre ones... have given this movie their best, but what I saw on the screen can't be captured in still images. So, sure, I got all obsessive and stuff. Capped the living bejeebers out of Ms. Sagnier, but I gotta tell you: if'n you want to see what Ludivine really looks like, how she moves, and how she lights up the screen, you gotta get the DVD.

    About the movie, itself? Well, there are many things to recommend it, all of them belonging to Ludivine. The first half of the movie is much like the last half of About Last Night, in which two people bore and annoy one another, and the audience, to death. Only in this case, the couple is an older guy and a younger guy. Think of it as Will and Grace meet Rob and Demi, only without Grace and Demi. I hated About Last Night. I despised the first half of Water Drops.

    But then enters Ludivine Sagnier and all is right with the world.

    A final note to her agent, if you are listening. Get this woman as much work as you can in the next five years. Her talent, youthful glow and breathtaking form are going to take her very far. But she is not Sharon Stone and she is most certainly not Diane Lane, both of whom have looked spectacular for more than two decades. For Ludivine, time will not be a friend.

    So far as the caps are concerned, we got twelve collages. Breasts and bum in 1-4, full frontal in 5-8, more breasts in 9-13. Number 14 is my pride and joy, a montage of three frames. Ludivine's not even nekkid, but she sure is yummy. And then 15 is two frames from a long, hot sport-humpin scene that was impossible to cap for many reasons. It is the best reason I can give for watching the movie.

    Dann
    'Caps and comments by Dann:

    "The Good Thief"
    Who would name their daughter Nutsa? Mr. and Mrs. Kukhianidze, apparently. In any case, this 2002 thriller showcased Nick Nolte's talents and Nutsa Kukhianidze's charms.

    An aging and tired gambler/drug addict/retired thief finds he needs one more score. The heist is high-tech, neat, and fun to watch, set in the South of France. Anybody who likes heist flicks will thoroughly enjoy this one, and newcomber Nutsa Kukhianidze should get some attention, even if no one can pronounce her name. :-)

    Variety
    Ludivine Sagnier
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)

    		No nudity in this batch, but these are some excellent production stills of the hot, young French actress in bikini scenes from the indie movie "Swimming Pool".

    Susanne Sutchy
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

    		Señor Skin 'caps of Sutchy topless in scenes from the Canadian movie "Rub & Tug" (2002).

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    KINDERGARTEN FOR MEN
    Helloooo, Nurse! - A shopping center in Hamburg, Germany, has opened a "Kindergarten for Men," so women can drop their husbands off and shop in peace. For about $10 (US), you can drop off a man at the center, which provides books, newspapers, TV and games as well as lunch and two beers. There are even two specially-trained "nurses," Jenny and Bianca, to look after them. Women have until 6 p.m. to come pick up their men.

  • But the men don't want to go.
  • We already have this in America; it's called "Hooters."
  • What are Jenny and Bianca "specially-trained" in? Pole-dancing?...and do the "games" involve them?
  • Men drink the two beers before they go down for their nap.


    SUPERSIZED COFFINS
    Want Fries With That? - Americans are becoming so fat, coffin makers are now offering "supersized" coffins. The founders of the Goliath Casket Company of Lynn, Indiana, told the New York Times that you can see the funeral industry's problem just by looking at people in Wal-Mart. They said they used to sell just one triple-width casket a month, and now they ship four or five a month. That casket is 44 inches wide and can hold someone up to 700 pounds.

  • But to take it to the cemetery, they need a triple-wide hearse with a "Wide Load" sign on the back.
  • If you buy it in advance, they'll ship it to you filled with cheese dip.
  • Technically, it's not a casket, it's an upholstered freight car.
  • If Arnold Schwarzenegger isn't elected governor, he may open a chain of weightlifting gyms for pallbearers.


    MR. POTATO HEAD RECOVERED
    Hot Potato - A six-foot statue of Mr. Potato Head that was stolen from the driveway of a private estate in Newport, Rhode Island, has been recovered. The owner bought it for his son, and it was a popular local photo attraction. Police said it was found in a field, and "although he was ripped and mashed a little bit," he's expected to make a full recovery and soon be back on display.

  • And all eyes will be on him.
  • He's being cared for at a MASH unit.
  • Actually, his injuries were worse than they thought...They fear he's now a vegetable.
  • Mr. Potato Head was happy in the field...That's his natural habitat.


    ONE-THIRD OF OLDER WOMEN DATING YOUNG MEN
    And They've All Had Plastic Surgery - Demi Moore is setting a trend: a survey by AARP The Magazine found that almost one-third of unmarried American women in their 40s-to-60s are dating younger men. The same survey found that two-thirds of men in the same age group were dating younger women.

  • Older women HAVE to date younger men since no older men will go out with them.
  • So if you are dating someone your own age, you are just weird.
  • Men in their 60s consider Demi Moore to be too old for them.