Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2 (1987) is a strong candidate for worst sequel of all time. The first 40 minutes consists of flashback footage from the first film, with Billy's little brother, now grown and in a hospital for the criminally insane, telling a new shrink his story. They did recycle the best footage from the first film, including most of the nudity, but the narration, and the acting by both little brother and the shrink is abysmal. Finally, 40 minutes in, little brother relates his own killing spree, which was mostly for no apparent reason, and then escapes and heads for mother superior.

We have a left breast from Joane White when she is fending off her boyfriend before little brother does him in, and partial breasts and buns from Elizabeth Cayton as little brother's girlfriend, before he finds out she was naughty before he met her, and he punishes her. The buns do belong to Cayton, as they were revealed in a continuous pan from her head down. IMDB readers have drastically over-rated this at 2.1 of 10. The only use for it is as the Readers Digest condensed version of the first film, for those in a hurry. E.

UPDATES:

• New volume: Emily Lloyd.
• Updates: Linnea Quigley, Sammi Davis, Brandy Davis, Geena Davis, Kim Dickens, Arielle Dombasle
   

WENDIGO (2001):

This is one of those movies that generated polarized reactions. Part art movie, part supernatural/horror, it didn't please many fans of either, but was very well reviewed by some critics (RT: 61% positive) who appreciated the director's ability to maintain a feeling of dread and fear.

It starts out as a New York version of Deliverance. An upper middle class  Manhattan couple take their son to a remote cabin in the Catskills for a weekend retreat. Things start out badly when their car strikes a deer, and they run afoul of the hunters who were chasing "their" deer. One of the hunters is testosterone-crazed and gets into some heavy chest-thumping with the father. We basically watch this activity through the eyes of the little kid, who sees a bunch of violent gun-toting men shoot a deer at point blank range (actually a mercy killing), then wave their guns around while shouting at his parents.

Here's a tip for you youngsters from a native of Upstate New York - if you go up there, always be afraid of white guys named "Otis", unless they are cookie manufacturers. I never met or heard of any such people up there, but if I did meet one, I'd know enough to give that mofo some elbow room, especially if he was mad at me and was carrying both a rifle and a handgun, because that sucker would be mighty ornery, being so far from the Confederacy and all.

The next major development in the film occurs in the small town near their rental house, where the little kid is handed a carved totem by a mysterious Native American, only to have his mother find out that the mysterious stranger was not really there at all, and that her son was probably making up a story to get the "toy". Or was he? Before vanishing, the non-existent stranger told the boy that the totem represented the Wendigo, a mysterious, powerful, shape-shifting spirit who could kill men and take their souls.

Yeah, whatever.

I think the maintenance of tension is excellent because the director stayed inside the little kid's POV, and underscored the boy's fear with an effective, mysterious score which blends elements of classical music and Native American rhythms. Fair enough.

The film also had some problems:

One genuine problem. I laughed when I saw the actual Wendigo, and I couldn't have been the only one laughing. It may be a shape-shifter, but the only form it seemed to take here was that of a giant reindeer that walks on his hind legs. In fact, it looks exactly like the famous hoax animal, the Jackalope, aka The Warrior Rabbit. Let's face it, how scary can a reindeer be? They are herbiverous ruminants - basically cows, albeit prettier and more agile - so they present more danger to your flowers than they do to your family.

"Look out Marge, I think it's going to graze"

I grew up right next to a deer preserve, and the animals are sometimes nuisances because they get into gardens at night, and they can't distinguish between open space and glass, so every once in a while a big 'un tries to run into somebody's sliding glass door or greenhouse. Saddest of all, they sometimes run into a road, as the deer did in this film, thus endangering themselves and the motorists. But they aren't very scary, and they won't attack with their teeth no matter how hungry or frightened they are. They are herbivores. I guess Manhattanites could find one scary, but I can't imagine why. There is nothing more peaceful or pastoral than to see a family of deer wandering around the back yard on a snowy morning.

Anyway, I guess the all-wise Indian spirit wasn't quite as tight with nature as it was made out to be. If it had a freakin' clue about nature in Upstate New York, it would have taken the form of a big, riled, starving, female bear ransacking a trash can and protecting her cubs. Now those mofos are scary.

Rudolph the freakin' red nosed reindeer, on the other hand, is about as scary as Freddie and the Dreamers.

OK, maybe that was a bad example.

If SCTV was still on, Mrs Prickly would book this movie for Monster Chiller Horror Theater, and Count Floyd would have to bullshit the kids into thinking reindeer are scary. "Look, kids, did you see those pointy antlers? Arooooooooooooooooooo!"

Here's another tip for you youngsters. If you make a movie like Jurassic Park, feel free to make a special feature on the DVD in which you explain how the special effects were created. On the other hand, if you make a film where the supernatural creature looks like a guy with limp wrists wearing a reindeer head with a goofy smile, don't create a 30 minute documentary explaining how you did it. (Gee, let me guess, you had a guy wear a reindeer head? Yup, sure enough.) Also, you might want to leave out the original artist's conceptions of the monster if they are, in fact, even sillier and less scary than the actual representation in the movie.

• Here is my personal favorite artists conception of the highly dreaded Wendigo. "Yeah, we wanted it to be a lot stupider, but shit happens, ya know?" That is one scary, Santa Claus-totin' mofo.
• (see review page for more pictures, including stills from the film)

Problem 2 - this one is not a problem in my estimation, but was a major irritant to many people who watched the movie. The finale was a complete downer, felt incomplete, and was one of those endings which leaves people feeling "what the ....?" To tell you the truth, I liked it. It ended like an art film, not like a horror movie, but that was OK. The entire film was about maintaining a certain tone, and the film's ending capped that off perfectly. It did leave some things unsaid and unexplained, but sometimes mystery is better left mysterious, and I was OK with that, because it was handled artfully. The one thing I simply didn't understand was an extra scene after the credits started rolling. As you can guess from what I have already said,  most people were wondering if the movie was really over. The credits started to roll over black space, and then there was a very brief intercut of a truck being towed, a scene which may or may not have explained something earlier. This seemed to promise more footage. No such thing. The towing scene was just hanging there on its own, and the rest of the credits rolled uninterrupted. Was that just a trick to force people to watch the credits?

I don't know.

But I do know this, Babs. It'd behoove ya ta check yer uvula.

Oh, yeah, and it would have been better not to show the actual creature. It was more powerful in the imagination.

• Patricia Clarkson. (1, 2, 3) After years of working in relative obscurity, the Yale graduate from N'awlins, with the compassionate eyes and distinctive croaking voice, seems to be on the cusp of stardom at age 43. She was in four films at Sundance, and I wrote that she might even get an Oscar nod if people with the power to grant such things saw Pieces of April.

Rasslin':

What is the deal on Stephanie McMahon's breasts? Has she gotten them enlarged again? They looked absolutely monstrous on Smackdown (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• A page dedicated to Monica Bellucci worship - many nudes and near nudes!

• Porn industry faces critical midget ... um ... shortage. I think this article is serious, so here's a big opportunity for our shorter readers.

• CBS | Late Show Top Ten Questions asked on Schwarzenegger for Governor phonelines

• The poetry of President Bush. I think T.S. Eliot's place in the pantheon is safe for now.

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• You think we live shallow, pointless lives in America? Japanese policy experts are debating whether to ban the sale of used underwear.

• Prior is awesome - Cubs win! If only Harry could have seen it.

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• Top 38 words used in the names of Chinese Food Outlets

• Interesting. Does multiple personality disorder really exist at all? Doubtful, and certainly not as you understand it. So far, there are exactly zero authenticated cases of patients in which the alters were truly independent. Except in the movies, of course.

• Saudi Arabia bans issue of National Geographic with article on Saudi Arabia. The article was produced with the complete co-operation of the Saudis.

• Tarantino's 'girl power' flick: "'If you are a 12-year-old girl or boy you must go and see 'Kill Bill' and you will have a damn good time,' the director said. " (The film is rated R for extreme violence and a gang rape scene)

• New Trojan Horse Bedevils Explorer Users. If you can't connect to Google, for example, your computer may be infected.

• Aristophanes with attitude - : "The Wannabes, the story of a mismatched band of small-time crooks that stumble into an unlikely career as politically incorrect children's singers. With its ethnic amalgamates, cops and robbers subplot, and plays on gender stereotypes, The Wannabes is a uniquely Australian film, unafraid of crudity and pushing the boundaries of taste."

• Interesting study of how incorrect impressions helped create public support for the Gulf War.

• A hooded bank bandit who often smells of alcohol and is possibly intoxicated during his armed robberies made his 26th bank heist on Tuesday.

• Am I on fire or is it just German TV?

• Remains Of Xena-Like Woman Found: "The remains of a six-foot tall woman, buried with a shield and knife, were recently discovered in an Anglo-Saxon cemetery in Lincolnshire, England."

• Soldier On Leave Wins multistate $150 Million Jackpot

• First it was "Am I Hot or Not", then came "Rank Me", now we just cut to the chase... Rate My Cleavage!!!

• Buffalo Bills Cheerleaders - The Buffalo Jills

• The energy crisis is solved. Two graduates converted an old Volkswagen to run on fryer fat and plan to use it on a road trip

• The Smoking Gun looks at Tyson's bankrupcy filing. He may be in debt, but he can't cut his clothing bill below $18,000 per month.

• NEW TOY for the friend who has it all! The Sex-O-sphere

• Costumes for couples.

• Great Halloween costumes

• Waitress says Hooters restaurant promised her a Toyota, gave her a toy Yoda

• A newlywed couple were shocked to return home from honeymoon to find half a car on the roof of their garage.

• Family Angry Over 500-Pound Woman's Burial

• Courtney Love breaks into a home, arrested on drug charges, posts bail, later found OD'ed. Good thing that was a Thursday. On the weekends she gets crazy.

• Canadian PM aspires to be a doper.

• The world's oldest man died last week. Sadly, he was the last one who could remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.

• a picture of Affleck's shampoo ad. Still looking for the video.

• President Bush Enlists Panel of Prominent Experts to Counter Preposterous Liberal Charges that Rush Limbaugh is Prejudiced.

• Who is the leaker? Suspicion centers on Lewis Libby

• former 'Law & Order' star Angie Harmon dreams of being a prostitute and servicing some of Hollywood's leading men

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

A whole mess o' paparazzi edits.

• Alessia Mancini, topless

• Alicia Silverstone, cleavage

• Alizée, the young French pop-star shows off her amazing posterior

• Alyson Hannigan, cleavage at an "American Wedding" photo-op.

• Angela Lindvall, the model actress in a tight top

• Annalise Braakensiek, the Aussie babe topless and showing off her amazing bum at the beach.

• Anouska Golebiewski, the UK Big Brother contestant showing plenty of cleavage. (1, 2)

• Ariane Sommer, the German babe wearing a very lo-cut dress with awesome cleavage with some subtle nipple exposure.

• Ashanti (1, 2)

• Beyoncé Knowles, stuffed into a dress about 2 sizes too small...which makes for excellent cleavage.

• Cameron Diaz, serious pokies.

• Camen Electra, in great shape and barely dressed...as usual

• Charlize Theron, showing some great pokies

• Christina Milian, the actress, singer and songwriter showing legs and cleavage

• Courtney Peldon, a variety of great cleavage pics (1, 2, 3, 4)

• Elenoire Casalegno, see-thru breast views from the Italian babe.

• Eliza Dushku, showing a little cleavage

• Gina Gershon, also showing a little cleavage

• Ilari Galassi, topless and thong views while sun bathing

• J Lo and Gwen Stefani

• Jennifer Aniston

• Jennifer Garner, the "Alias" star wearing a very lo-cut dress

• Lil' Kim, her now famous accidental breast exposure

• Mariah Carey

• Paris Hilton

• Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

• Sarah Connor, subtle see-thru nipple sightings. (1, 2)

• Shania Twain, looking gorgeous

• Sharon Stone

• Sigourney Weaver, see-thru nipple sighting

• Uma Thurman, showing off a pair of AMAZING legs at a Kill Bill event

• Victoria Silvstedt, topless at the beach

• Vivica A. Fox, tons of cleavage.

"Gas Food Lodging"
Ione Skye gets topless in this well-done 1992 story of a mother and two teen-age daughters trying to get by and get along. Ione plays the hell-raising-always-in-shit daughter while Fairuza Balk plays the basically-a-good-kid daughter. Well acted and interesting, but the nude scene is dark and grainy, so the collage isn't as good as I'd like, but it was still worth doing.

• Ione Skye

PILING ON ARNOLD: DAY TWO
Bill Clinton Does More Groping Before 9 A.M.! - Following accusations in the L.A. Times that he groped the breasts and buttocks of six women over a 20-year period, Arnold Schwarzenegger said much of the story was lies. But he apologized if he offended anyone with things he'd done on "rowdy" movie sets, which he "thought then were playful."