Miscellany:

Somebody made a sweet clip of that BBC2 show "Bodies," which I have never seen. Here's Hannah Yelland's sexy scene. (Zipped .wmv)

Satan's Little Helper (2004):

Although this movie was lensed in 2003 and made its debut at the toney Tribeca Festival in NYC, it is not a high-minded parable about guilt and religion, but a retro-classic horror film about a homicidal maniac, ala Halloween and Friday XIII, complete with macabre humor, gratuitous T&A, and a high body count. Part of the explanation for that apparent incongruity resides in the fact that the director is Jay Lieberman, whose other films were all made in the period 1976-1987. You read that right - it's been nearly 20 years since he made a film!

The movie's equivalent of Michael Meyers/Jason Voorhees is "Satan Man," who possesses all the characteristics of the 80s-style homicidal maniacs except the back story. Since he is the silent type, and nobody seems to know who he really is, the only thing we really learn about him is that he showed up on an island community on Halloween wearing a Satan mask. The very concept of Halloween allows him to wander around in a grotesque costume without attracting any attention, and the convivial spirit of the holiday causes people to invite him into their homes and parties, often mistaking him for one of their friends or family members. When people get too close to his trail, he simply places the Satan disguise on one of his victims, thus making his pursuers think he is dead, then continues his murderous adventures disguised as Jesus!

The "little helper" portion of the title refers to a lil' "trick or treater," a naive boy about ten years old, who is dressed up for Halloween as the title character in his favorite video game, "Satan's Little Helper." Imagine his joy when he finds a new friend disguised as his master. He turns out to be a perfect apprentice for Satan, all the while thinking that he's playing an adventure game. The kid and his family get milked for the maximum value in irony and grotesque humor. Late in the film, when the boy prays to God to forgive him for helping Satan, the doorbell rings immediately, and who should be there but Jesus himself! It's obviously a miracle, so the boy willingly rejoins the maniac for another grotesque round of nocturnal games. One of the film's funnier concepts involves Satan Man's decision to take the boy's mom (Amanda Plummer) to a party as his date. He uses plastic wrap to gag her mouth she can't communicate, and to bind her arms and legs to prevent escape. The drunken revelers think her wacky post-modern mummy costume (she's Carmen Miranda underneath the cling-wrap) is the life of the party, so they are amused and distracted by her spastic attempts to communicate, while Satan Man is filling their punch with toxic chemicals.

If anyone ever gets to see this, it could become a cult classic, even a franchise. It is filmed in glorious, bright, saturated colors to give it a and ironically cheerful look, and it looks just about as good as a B-movie is ever going to look. It has its scary moments, some mild gore, some bare breasts, and a lot of humor. I enjoyed the film, although Halloween clones are not normally among my favorite types of movies, because it is very heavy on the morbid humor, allowing to it exist simultaneously as 80s slasher fare and a parody of same. It isn't as serious as Halloween or as silly as Scary Movie, but strikes a workable balance between them.

A special tip o' the fun house hat to Melisa McGregor (below) who only had about ten lines, but was completely charming, created and stayed in a credible character, "sold" her death scene, got naked, and showed a very shapely booty in the process.

Today, the women of Boulevard

Kari Wuhrer

Rae Dawn Chong

Katie Griffin

Today we take a closer look at 3 actresses from the 1974 movie "Le Trio Infernal", starring Michel Piccoli and Romy Schneider. The film relates the criminal shenanigans of Georges Sarret (Michel Piccoli), his lady-friend Philomène Schmidt (Romy Schneider), and her sister Catherine (Mascha Gonska) - together, "the infernal trio."  Before teaming up with the sisters, Georges was originally a shady lawyer who financed his extravagant lifestyle by pulling off life insurance scams, but as a team the trio resorted to more violent ways to acquire money, and they end up killing two people who they later dissolve in a bath tub!

It may be interesting to know that this film is actually based on real-life events that happened at the end of the 1920's in Marseilles.  Here is an interesting link to the real people and events. Unfortunately, the verbiage is only available in French, but the pictures should be enough to convince you that the film characters look far better than their real-life counterparts! In the film the younger sister ends up dead after a nasty fall, but the film is otherwise open-ended, whereas in real life this wasn't the case at all. The trio finally had to stand trial. Georges Sarret was given the death sentence, which was carried out in public outside the prison walls in Aix-en-Provence in 1934. The two sisters came off with a lighter sentence, not even close to the 10 years the prosecutor had asked for.

The movie itself was interesting during the first half, until the end of the "dissolving scene", which certainly constitutes the highlight. After that point, it became repetitious and ever slower in pace, so that I felt relieved when the end credits finally started rolling.

T&A review:

• In the most gruesome scene of the film, Andréa Ferréol is one of the victims and we see her dead, covered in blood and getting stripped to prepare her for her bath. Be warned, this is certainly not a scene for the faint of heart.
• The lawyer is romantically involved with both sisters, sometimes ending up in bed with both of them together. Mascha Gonska as the younger sister shows the most skin of the two. (1, 2, 3)
• In the main feature Romy Schneider remains modestly topless only ... (1, 2)
• ... but in the trailer she shows a bit more in a scene that is not in the film.

PS. It's perfectly safe to drive over the Millau Viaduct, otherwise yours faithfully wouldn't be typing these words. And it is indeed impressive.

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

BUSH NOMINATES NON-JUDGE PAL TO HIGH COURT
Michael Brown Wasn't Available? - Monday, President Bush passed over well-known conservative judges to nominate White House Counsel Harriet Miers to the Supreme Court.  The former head of the Texas Lottery, Miers has never been a judge and has no record of decisions.  Some conservatives fear that her previous support for such things as women in combat and an international criminal court
means she'll be another David Souter. Others said they trust Bush that she is a strict constructionist, an Evangelical Christian and, as he once said, a "pit bull in size six shoes."

*  Well, at least we know she's not another Janet Reno.
*  There's something for everybody to hate, even cat lovers.
*  It's a choice that's like the state lottery: nobody wins.
*  It's not Bush's fault: nobody told him he was allowed to look outside the building.
*  Miers told Bush she'd never been a judge before, but he said, "Heck, I'd  never been president before, and look how well that's worked out!"



WASHINGTON URGES ENERGY CONSERVATION
You'll Save Peanuts - Monday, Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman urged Americans to conserve fuel for the coming winter by turning down the thermostat and driving slower.  He also announced a new Bush Administration campaign called "Easy Ways to Save Energy," and said he'll travel the country to promote energy conservation.  The campaign even has a mascot: a cartoon pig named the "Energy
Hog."  Some critics called it reminiscent of the 1970s, when Jimmy Carter was mocked for asking people to turn down their thermostats while wearing a cardigan sweater on TV.

*  Unfortunately, most viewers just thought he was Mr. Rogers.
*  But Jimmy Carter didn't have a cool cartoon sidekick!
*  Hey, we didn't elect a bunch of Texas oil men just to tell us not to waste oil!
*  He'll travel the country on a big private jet to tell us not to waste fuel.
*  Bush's #1 Easy Way to Save Energy: "Turn off Air America."



SEATTLE CRACKS DOWN ON LAP DANCES  (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!)
Scrambled Eggs, No Tossed Salad - Surprisingly for such a liberal town, the Seattle City Council on Monday approved some of the strictest adult entertainment regulations in the US, including bans on lap dancing and putting tips in dancers' G-strings.  Girls must put out tip jars and stay four feet from patrons, and the lights have to be at least parking-garage brightness.  One club owner complained that "For the most part, the attraction's gone."

*  Seeing a stripper in bright light will do that.
*  Who wants to go to a G-rated G-string club?
*  Even the Space Needle seems to be drooping...But it still has to be covered in a giant condom.
*  The new town slogan is "What happens in Seattle...well, nothing happens in  Seattle."
*  And for health reasons, the dancers have to wear rain coats, to keep from  catchin' their death o' cold!



MR. FREEZE'S FAMILY SKATES
Ice Ice Baby - Russia's Moskovsky Komsomolets newspaper reports that Vitaly Matyukhin suffered heatstroke and developed a rare condition called "heat exchange disorder."  Now, he becomes overheated if he's exposed to temperatures over 5 degrees C. (41 degrees F.)  He can only go out when it's below freezing, so he moved to Siberia and turned his house into a refrigerator.  Unfortunately, his wife Olga said she couldn't stand the cold, and she and his son walked out on him.

*  They just left him cold ... and he liked that.
*  His wife was tired of the cold shoulder...and other very cold parts of him.
*  The next time you complain about your husband's cold feet in bed, remember, it could be worse.
*  He signed up for a British dating website, to find a frigid woman.
*  He should've moved to America and become the mascot for Bush's "Turn down the thermostat" campaign.



MUSIC INDUSTRY HIT WITH RACKETEERING LAWSUIT
Those Snooping Dogs! - Tanya Anderson, a disabled single mom in Oregon, says the record industry tried to coerce hundreds of thousands of dollars from her over a false charge of downloading gangsta rap, which she doesn't even like. So she's countersuing the RIAA for fraud, invasion of privacy, abuse of legal process and other charges.  She says they have bullied over 13,500 people into giving them access to their private computers to farm for information, then demanded huge sums on threat of devastating lawsuits.  Her suit says this is
racketeering, under the federal RICO statute used to fight organized crime.

*  Now, how could gangsta rap possibly be associated with organized crime?
*  I always knew the music industry was a racket.
*  She hates rackets...That's why she doesn't like rap music.
*  Sure, their tactics are brutal, immoral and possibly illegal, but the music executives really NEED cocaine money!


ROMANTIC MISHAP COSTS DRIVER'S LICENSE
He Called Her "Ralph Kramden" - In Ayr, England, vacationing bus driver Tracy Adams had been drinking heavily when she got passionate with her boyfriend in the front seat of his Peugeot.  But he mistakenly called her by the wrong  name, and she angrily chased him off.  Adams then used her cell phone to take topless photos of herself to "show him what he was missing."  That's when the police arrived.  She was arrested for drunk driving, fined and lost her license and her job.  Her boyfriend said it wasn't fair: she was only in the driver's
seat because it slides back, and "with the size of her," she was too cramped in  the passenger seat.

*  Once that bra was unhooked, she needed a lot more room.
*  "With the size of her"?  Boy, this guy sure knows how to sweet-talk a woman!
*  If you saw the topless photos, you'd know it's a miracle she could fit  into a Peugeot at all.
*  After the photos hit the Internet, bus passengers demanded she get her job back.



HEALTH CLUBS TARGETING OLDER PEOPLE
REACH For A Beer! Stretch, Stretch!... - The health club industry reports
that people over 55 now make up a quarter of all gym memberships, and clubs are
targeting aging baby boomers who want to be healthy but don't want to be around
young hardbodies showing off.  To attract older members, gyms are replacing
"Greek god" models in their ads with older, regular people; letting clients
design their own workout regimens; and adding daytime low-impact courses, such as
walking, water aerobics and chair aerobics.

*  They call that machine "The Chairmaster."
*  Call me when they invent "Recliner aerobics."
*  To get six-pack abs, you now sit in a chair and drink a six-pack.
*  Sitting in a chair, designing your own workout regimen...Say, isn't that how they got fat in the first place?
*  What if the really old guys are only coming to the gym to be around young hardbodies?



WEIRD NAMES FOR CELEBRITY KIDS PROTESTED
That's His Beef - Young actor Shia LeBeouf publicly called on celebrities to stop giving their kids weird names.  He said he was teased mercilessly because of his name, which means "thank God for beef," and demanded of celebrities, "Name your kids Billy and Timmy!  What is the problem with that?!"

*  The problem is that Scout, Rumor, China and Moon Unit will tease them mercilessly.
*  Apparently, Nicolas Cage didn't get the  message: his rep announced that Cage's wife just had a baby boy named "Kal-el," after Superman's birth name on Krypton. With a name like that, he'd BETTER have super powers.



MOVIES SHOW BAD BEHAVIOR WITH NO CONSEQUENCES
"Dr. Yes" - Researchers from Australia's University of Sydney studied 87 popular adult-oriented Hollywood movies of the past 20 years and found they do not convey responsible messages.  Movies such as 007 flicks and "Basic Instinct" are filled with depictions of unsafe sex, drug use, smoking and drinking, but never mention any possible negative consequences.  They said Hollywood movies send the message that negative health behaviors are safe and normal.  For instance, out of 53 sex scenes, only one, in Julia Roberts' "Pretty Woman,"
suggested condom use.

*  (CAREFUL!)  But that made sense, since Julia Roberts was a skanky whore who had to have sex with Richard Gere.
*  That's right: "Pretty Woman" is the most realistic movie about  prostitution that Hollywood's ever made.
*  "Basic Instinct" showed the negative consequences of unsafe sex: you get  stabbed with an ice pick.
*  Personally, the day James Bond puts on a nicotine patch, orders a Fresca and refuses to have sex without a condom is the day I quit going to movies.
 

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