Friday

Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

Updates:

  • Charlie's French Cinema Nudity Site is updated.

Saving Face:

  • This is the Chinese Lesbian romantic comedy with Michelle Krusiec and Lynn Chen. This zipped .avi is pretty dadburned sexy, and the quality is quite good.

Flesh for the Beast (2004)

The Movie House interviews our most prolific reviewer, Jonathan S. "Johnny" Web

Movie House: What's the verdict on Flesh for the Beast? Cult classic or B movie crap?

JW: I'm not sure exactly how to review this movie. You see, I hated it. Detested it. Struggled to get through it. Found it slow, even with the FF button.

Movie House: So it sucks, right?

JW: I'm not sure that's fair. If it were a movie about Baseball or Elizabethan theater, and I hated it, I'd feel pretty confident in saying it sucks, but I think it this case I can almost be viewed as a reverse barometer.

Movie House: Come again?

JW: I can't tell you that my hating it means it's good, but my liking it would almost certainly indicate failure on the part of the filmmaker. It's a supernatural gorotica flick with a hard-driving Satanic Metal score. It's an American film made in 2003, but it was made in the style of the Italian gialli of the 70s, kind of a hybrid between Fulci's films and those grade-B cannibal films the Italians were making in the 70s and 80s. For example, there is one scene where three women, actually creatures with demon heads and naked female human bodies, feast on a freshly-killed male corpse. They are ripping out the intestines and holding them aloft, covering their bodies with the fresh blood, chowing down on other vital organs, etc. That scene made my stomach churn and my flesh crawl. I felt like I might toss my cookies. I submit to you that if that scene did not disgust me, then Flesh for the Beast could not be a very good cannibal film. If the filmmakers were to find out that they failed to disgust me, a man who once gave a positive review to a Gene Wilder film, then they might have to commit ritual suicide, or at least eat each other's intestines. Going back to my original point, my hating it means it is still in the running to be a successful genre film.

Movie House: Were there elements you liked?

JW: There almost always are some elements to like in every movie. The cinematography is decent for digital video. There was a reasonable amount of T&A, although you would expect a director with a background in sex flicks to do better with sex scenes. Truthfully, even the T&A was spoiled for me because every female sex partner turns out to be a demon who devours her human male lover, so the apres sex scenes degenerate right back into Cannibal Ferox mode, which is not erotic for me. It is a horror film as well as a splatter film, and I liked what they did with the atmospheric side of the supernatural elements, but again, I only liked it until they started pulling bodies apart and playing dodgeball with human hearts. And there you go. I don't know why people enjoy cannibal movies, but there are people who do, and I suppose this is probably a winning genre movie by their standards.

Movie House: Were there elements you disliked, besides the vomit-inducing scenes?

JW: Absolutely. The acting is worse than I expected, and my expectations were minimal, although a couple of the performers are actually pretty good. I hated the Buckethead music, of course, although younger and/or crazier guys will like that. Oh, and the narrative is not very interesting. I realize that the any story is of secondary importance compared to the gore and nudity in this kind of guilty pleasure film, but the basic concept of Flesh for the Beast is the same old predictable premise of any standard haunted house flick. Several researchers are invited to spend the weekend in a spooky mansion which was once a thriving bordello until ... well, murder and EEEVILLLL. The usual set-up. The "investigation" is generally boring and predictable, and all the dialogue is by-the-numbers. As it turns out, inviting a research expedition to the grounds is a sham perpetrated by the human who minds the mansion for the resident demons. His job is to get people there so the female demons can devour them. And so they do, after getting the human males to have sex with them by assuming the personalities of the men's fantasies. Several portions of the film follow the same tried and true formula: half-hearted investigation, followed by fantasy seduction, followed by splatter. Too repetitious. Too predictable.

Movie House: On balance, do you think genre buffs would like it?

JW: They might like it, but would not consider it a classic. Let's be honest, I wasn't the only one who despised it. It's rated 3.8 at IMDb, and more than half of the voters scored it three or lower. Unlike the genre classics, this film doesn't inspire a vast number of 8s, 9s, and 10s to balance out the low scores. The three highest grades were the three awarded least frequently.

SIDEBAR: This sort of dark-toned cult material seems to be a new direction for the career of director Terry West, whose previous credits include the light-hearted Lord of the G-Strings. I'm not really familiar with West's earlier films, but Tuna reviewed The Lord of the G-Strings, and seemed to be impressed at West's ability to deliver a coherent narrative, decent jokes, and good T&A in the same package. Here's what Tuna wrote about that film:

" ... highest possible grade for a soft-core film. While they could have done more with the story, they took the parody quite far for a soft-core, and certainly delivered on the female flesh. If I had to chose the ten best soft-core films of all time, this might well be among them."

Caroline Hoermann
Ruby LaRocca
Jane Scarlett
Barbara Joyce

Imagining Argentina (2003)

Imagining Argentina was the laughingstock of the 2003 Venice film festival.

Under the right circumstances, I suppose I might enjoy a bit of schadenfreude at the expense of Emma Thompson and Antonio Banderas, but those Italians are cold. I think I would be perky and ingenuous enough to host a morning talk show in Italy. They were laughing and jeering at this film, and it's a heartfelt tale about human rights abuses in Argentina in the late 70s, specifically about the 30,000 people who simply disappeared without any explanation and without ever having resurfaced. The writer-director, Christopher Hampton, adapted the story from a novel about a a children's theatre director (Banderas) whose journalist wife (Thompson, with an Argentine accent) writes about the disappearances, and then ends up disappearing herself. It includes fairly graphic depictions of political torture, including rape.

So why was the audience laughing at such a tragic subject? Two main reasons:

1. Rather than staying within the boundaries of realism, the movie turns the situation into a supernatural genre film, and Banderas develops second sight. Many critics felt that the occult gimmick and its attendant problems trivialized a serious subject. Banderas is able to hold seances and tell people what happened to their loved ones who have disappeared. Moreover, the visions were not completely straightforward, but also included confusing and recurring symbolic elements like owls and flamingos. Ah, how wonderful it would be if we could all use our mystical gifts and super-powers to combat evil dictatorships.

2.  The audience hooted when they saw Banderas moodily strumming his guitar in scenes intercut with political torture and rape. Present in that audience was David Gritten, a film critic from the UK, who wrote: "There was loud booing, and the Italians love to boo anyway, but this really was the worst I've ever heard. The problem was that Banderas strumming the guitar looked so anti-climactic. Another film with Banderas in it had just been released in Venice, Once Upon A Time In Mexico, in which he plays a guitar-playing mariachi, so it rather looked as if here was El Mariachi again, strolling into this dreadful scene of human rights abuses."

This would actually be a pretty good movie without the clairvoyance, which was an idea that might have sounded good on paper, but simply didn't work. I don't have any problem seeing why the two elements enumerated above ruined the dramatic impact of the film. I can certainly imagine the people in the audience feeling embarrassed for Emma Thompson, who produced and threw her life into this film. I can even imagine their having written about the film with derision. But laughter? While people are being tortured and a little girl is being raped?

 As I said, those Italians are some cold mofos. Here's Emma Thompson.

Crimson Ghost
Captures and comments from the Ghost.

Letrica Cruz in Intimate Sessions

ICMS
Zipped .avis, caps, and comments by ICMS

 

Hello !
 
Today there are clips and caps of Lauren Hutton in "Permette? Rocco Papaleo" (1971), which translates as "Allow me, Rocco Papaleo," a film directed by

 Rocco Papaleo, played by Marcello Mastroianni, is an Italian and former boxer from Sicily who emigrated to Alaska where he works in a mine. Somehow he and his co-workers end up in Chicago when he gets separated from his group. Suddenly he walks right under the car of a gorgeous model, Jenny, whose face can be seen on billboards all over the city. Enter Lauren Hutton, who practically plays herself here. She tags him along for a while, which good and hypernaive Rocco interprets the wrong way of course.

 
And so begins Rocco's Tour de Chicago, where he never seems to meet nice persons or people without ulterior motives. He is certainly not aided by the fact that he is so utterly naive that it becomes hard to believe. The only person with whom he can connect is Djenghis Khan, an old street bum who always carries a bomb around with him. When Khan dies as a result of a policeman behaving like a real dirtbag, Rocco's fuses blow. Since he inherited the old guy's bomb, we can guess what probably will happen next, although it is never shown because the film ends right there. In hindsight, "Marcello Mastroianni turns Unabomber" might have been a much more intriguing title.
 
As you may have already guessed I was not too impressed with this movie. I don't know what Ettore Scola, who won or was nominated for numerous film awards, hoped to achieve here. He probably wanted to have a go at America, but by depicting everyone as conniving bastards and making his lead character so out of touch with reality that even Crocodile Dundee in New York looks like a normal guy, he only achieved that you can never really get into the story and that you couldn't care less what happens to Rocco or any other character. Maybe that this film worked better for its 1971 audience, but I seriously doubt it.
 
The film remains watchable, though - mainly because it tries to be humorous, something it achieves best during the witty dialogues between Rocco and Djenghis. Add to that the solid performances of the entire cast and some above average camera work, and you know why this feature ends up as a C- in our rating system.
 
All clips and images come from an Italian all-region PAL DVD with Italian audio and subtitles only (sorry no English), the only one available as far as I know. The transfer is good but nothing spectacular. I think we can consider ourselves lucky that Ettore Scola directed and Marcello Mastroianni played the male lead, or otherwise some very nice gratuitous but way too short nude scenes with one of the full frontal kind by Lauren Hutton might have been lost forever. And losing that, my friends, unlike this film, would have been a real shame.

So, please enjoy these 10 caps and 3 clips (1, 2, 3). Hint: clip 2 is the full frontal one.

 

Hankster
'Caps and comments by Hankster:

Today we look at a so called horror flick "Bite Me".

This one features the rather popular Misty Mundae,. she's not quite my cup of tea, but I guess she has that cute girl next door look. Anyway plenty of T & A  from Misty and if you look real close even a little bush in a couple of them. The bug on her chest relates to the title.

Variety
The two most revealing pics from that Janet Jackson paparazzi series. HQ.
The recent Kerry Katona paparazzi in HQ.

Polly Walker in the Egeria episode of Rome

Movie Reviews

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

 

  • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
  • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
  • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
  • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Other Crap

2005 NFL Cheerleading Tour - Day 19: San Francisco 49ers

This once-proud franchise has fallen on hard times. They have gone from multiple Super Bowl victories and the moniker "Team of the 90's" to a franchise that is looking at its second straight overall number one draft selection. Look for the current NFL top pick, Alex Smith, to start this Sunday against the Indianapolis Colts. Welcome to the NFL Mr. Smith.

My brother lives in the Bay Area. I went to see the 9ers play the Panthers in 1997 at then Candlestick Park (or wait, maybe 3 Com). He told me that everyone knew that the 9ers cheerleaders played second fiddle to the local hotties, the Raiderettes. Well, the Gold Rush is full of beautiful ladies, but ten years did not change his statement. Alexis, Janelle, and Kristin lead a bevy of head turners on this squad. It is too bad that this intro page is also where the site ends. It seems odd that an area so renowned for technology would have such a weak web site. None of the standard extras are found here, just bios of the girls and a brief history section. It is too bad because this team could have received a much higher rating that the one that they received.

Rating 6.5 out of 10.

A 2006 Calendar without any of those annoying days or months.

The adventures of Edward The Less. This is to Lord of the Rings as Python's Grail is to Morte D'Artur, more or less. Mostly less.

The Rocket doesn't have it, and the Braves even it up. Smoltz is best-ever 15-4 lifetime in post-season, even though this was his first October start since 1999.

Keira Knightley doing a lapdance in Domino.

Bush claimed God told him to invade Iraq. Based on the picture, God must have a very soft voice.

George Bush gives ... oh ... New Orleans residents ... the one-fingered victory salute.

Weekly World News: LESBIAN MOM WANTS TO GIVE BABY BOY SEX CHANGE

Slashdot has a thread on the attempt to wrest control of the internet from the USA - it has prompted more than 1700 comments (so far)

Yet another guy is supposed to be the "real" Shakespeare

As it says on our billboards: Austin, Texas - birthplace of the panty raid.

The third grade insult generator. Using this is like being a character in an Adam Sandler movie. In fact - it's a lot like being Sandler.

The trailer for In a Dark Place, an indie mystery.

  • A poisoned man and a stranger stumble across a doorway in an abandoned building that makes things disappear... When the stranger walks through and vanishes, the poisoned man is left alone to face an angered man with a crazy disposition. But what's waiting for him through the door is much more dangerous than he'd care to realize.

The trailer and the first 8 minutes of The War Within

  • "Written and directed by first time filmmaker Joseph Castelo, "The War Within" is the story of Hassan, (Ayad Akhtar in his debut performance), a Pakistani engineering student in Paris who is mistakenly apprehended for terrorist activities and forcibly interrogated by U.S. intelligence services. So shaken by the experience, he vows revenge and joins a terrorist cell based in New York City with plans to begin the ground war in the United States. On the morning the attack is due to take place, all members of the cell are arrested except Hassan and one other member. With no alternative and nowhere else to turn, Hassan must rely on the hospitality of his former best friend Sayeed, who is living the American dream with his family in New Jersey. Lying to his friend about why he is in the US, Sayeed helps Hassan get a job driving a livery cab which furnishes Hassan with the money he needs to start manufacturing explosives in the hope of achieving a smaller but still effective act of terror. With each day that passes, we witness Hassan's religious beliefs as they clash headlong with his feelings for Sayeed's sister Duri, Sayeed, and the rest of the family. What unfolds is a profound human and political drama as we explore Hassan's motives as he struggles to carry out his mission."

The trailer from the new Jason Biggs movie, Guy X

  • Rudy Spruance is lost. He has been left in the middle of nowhere in the frozen wastes of the arctic. No one comes except a huge swarm of mosquitoes. As he awakens later in an Army hospital that doesn't officially exist, Rudy understand what it is to be on the sharp end of a 'small clerical error'. "You'll want to scratch," a nurse tells him helpfully when he comes round.

    Rudy enlisted in order to escape a little prison time for burglary. His fellow soldiers are a rag-tag bunch of misfits. There's Lavone, a wannabe beat-poet, the sadistic Sergeant Genteen, and Petri, the base dealer who thinks sci-fi movies are the pinnacle of art. And there's the base's commanding officer, Colonel Woolwrap, who sees in Rudy a younger version of himself. Only problem is, Rudy isn't too comfortable under his, or anyone's, tutelage. But then Rudy meets Sergeant Irene Teale - beautiful, intelligent and most importantly, sane.

    Unfortunately, she's the Colonel's girlfriend.

    As Rudy pursues Irene, he uncovers the secret of The Wing: a hospice for American casualties from a reckless mission in the Vietnam war. Woolwrap has been sitting in Qangattarsa waiting for the last of the men to pass away. Meanwhile, the 'patients' remain unconscious, vegetative, erased as the men they one were...

    Except for Guy X.

The trailer from Jarhead

  • "'Jarhead' (the self-imposed moniker of the Marines) follows 'Swoff' (Jake Gyllenhaal), a third-generation enlistee, from a sobering stint in boot camp to active duty, sporting a sniper's rifle and a hundred-pound ruck on his back through Middle East deserts with no cover from intolerable heat or from Iraqi soldiers, always potentially just over the next horizon. Swoff and his fellow Marines sustain themselves with sardonic humanity and wicked comedy on blazing desert fields in a country they don't understand against an enemy they can't see for a cause they don't fully fathom.

    Jamie Foxx portrays Sergeant Sykes, a Marine lifer who heads up Swofford's scout/sniper platoon, while Sarsgaard is Swoff's friend and mentor, Troy, a die-hard member of STA-their elite Marine Unit.

    An irreverent and true account of a war that was antiseptically packaged a decade ago, 'Jarhead' is laced with dark wit, honest inquisition and episodes that are at once surreal and poignant, tragic and absurd."

Twelve (!!) clips from North Country

  • "'North Country' stars Academy Award winners Charlize Theron ('Monster'), Frances McDormand ('Fargo') and Sissy Spacek ('In the Bedroom') in the inspiring story of a single mother who rallies her coworkers to rise above the unfair treatment they face at a local mining company."

URL says it all, but subtly: lhiob.com (Let's hug it out, bitch.)

Kevin Smith's video journal about making Clerks 2: The Passion of the Clerks

The Daily Show: A look at what finally got Miller to testify: a letter from the cutely-named Scooter Libby.

The Daily Show: China's empire is growing, and not just from the ground-up rhino penis they add to many of their meals.

The Daily Show's Senior White House Correspondent Rob Corddry explains Plamegate in twelve rhyming words.

Senator John Edwards tells Jon Stewart how that whole wacky running for the vice presidency thing worked out.

This week's movies, late entry (only 11 theaters)Good Night, And Good Luck - 96% positive reviews. I believe that Clooney's movie, at least for the moment, is the only major non-documentary rated higher than 95% on the Tomatometer, which seems to indicate that it could be a serious Oscar contender.

You say you're rich? You need a Christmas gift for a friend who is very gay? How about a private Elton John concert? Only 1.5 million clams.. I didn't make that up, nor did I fabricate the fact that you will get to keep an official Elton John piano as a souvenir!

Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Bush Is Drinking Again"

  • ... ". "He's been pronouncing words correctly"

Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Wants To Have Sex With You"

Conan O'Brien's Celebrity Survey

  • Some of his best ones ever. For example, how did celebrities complete this sentence "in addition to being my lover, my wife is also my ..."
    • Tom Hanks ... "best friend"
    • Joe Lieberman ... "confidante"
    • Ashton Kutcher ... "grandmother's bridge partner"

Conan O'Brien's new commemorative stamps.

"Tom Cruise Waging War Against Satire" Oh, sure, you think satire is OK, but you're glib, and don't know the history of satire.

Another silly trailer, this one for Psycho, the romantic comedy.

Another zany trailer: this one from Titanic, the horror film

The Daily Show: "After 85 days in prison Judith Miller was eager to get home and spend some time...with Lou Dobbs."

Ever suffer from or heard of Spontaneous Announcement Syndrome?

"Hillside Strangler" with Brittany Daniel gets a DVD release date

Angels beat Yanks, tie the series 1-1

Talk about a tough nut to crack. A start-up company introduces Flock, the new browser on the block

A preview of the new BBC content-sharing system

A downloadable version of the Janet Jackson sunbathing video

The trailer for Syriana

  • "From writer/director Stephen Gaghan, winner of the Best Screenplay Academy Award for "Traffic," comes "Syriana," a political thriller that unfolds against the intrigue of the global oil industry. From the players brokering back-room deals in Washington to the men toiling in the oil fields of the Persian Gulf, the film's multiple storylines weave together to illuminate the human consequences of the fierce pursuit of wealth and power. As a career CIA operative (George Clooney) begins to uncover the disturbing truth about the work he has devoted his life to, an up-and-coming oil broker (Matt Damon) faces an unimaginable family tragedy and finds redemption in his partnership with an idealistic Gulf prince (Alexander Siddig). A corporate lawyer (Jeffrey Wright) faces a moral dilemma as he finesses the questionable merger of two powerful U.S. oil companies, while across the globe, a disenfranchised Pakistani teenager (Mazhar Munir) falls prey to the recruiting efforts of a charismatic cleric. Each plays their small part in the vast and complex system that powers the industry, unaware of the explosive impact their lives will have upon the world."

John Lennon's greatest album? The one with the stamps pasted in it.

 

Pat Reeder     www.comedy-wire.com
Pat's comments in yellow:

WHITE HOUSE WORKER ARRESTED FOR SPYING
Loyal To The Opposition Party - Federal agents have arrested Leandro Aragoncillo in the first case of White House espionage in modern history.  A Marine who's worked there for three years, most recently on Dick Cheney's staff, Aragoncillo is accused of stealing more than 100 classified documents from FBI computers, including info on the president of the Philippines, and e-mailing them to the opposition Filipino political party.  In 2000, Aragoncillo was on Al Gore's staff and told a TV interviewer that Philippine workers were valued at the
White House because "what they like most is our integrity and loyalty."

*  Hmmm...maybe he was lying about being Filipino.
*  Bush said, "I told ya we should'a hired Mexican illegals!"
*  This is amazing!  Someone actually believes this White House has intelligence worth stealing! 



JEFFERSON TO SMILE ON NICKEL
The Tail Is Sally Hemings - Tuesday, the U.S. Mint unveiled a design for a new nickel that will be the first money that doesn't feature an American icon with a somber expression.  Instead, it shows Thomas Jefferson with just a hint of a smile.  Designer Jamie Franki said he's trying to convey a "sense of optimism."

*  If Jefferson were around today, he wouldn't be optimistic... He'd probably declare a Revolution and start over.
*  But he looks like he just heard a dirty joke about Ben Franklin and is trying not to laugh.
*  He wouldn't be smiling if he knew how much a nickel is worth today.
*  If you like this, you'll love his new penny design, with Lincoln in Groucho glasses.
 


HOTTEST CHRISTMAS TOY LIST
Can Buy Me Love - The Children's Museum of Manhattan has issued its annual list of the top 10 hottest Christmas toys.  They include "Go-Go TV," which lets kids star in their own video games; the Darth Vader Voice Changer, a mask for ages 3-4 with a mic that makes their voice sound like Darth Vader; and the Slurpee Drink Maker.  Of course, the top toys are very expensive: #12 is the $129  3-D Pool Table from Zocker, and at #1, the Knights' Empire Castle for $179.  It's a 249-piece castle that kids build themselves, complete with dungeon, drawbridge, moat and catapult.

*  The Slurpee Drink Maker prepares them for their adult careers.
*  The Darth Vader mask covers your face, deepens your voice and appeals to small children...It's the perfect gift for Michael Jackson!
*  The good news: when the Christmas bills arrive, the Slurpee maker doubles as a margarita machine.



MAN GETS NAKED AT JESUS ART SHOW
Behold! - During an exhibit of antique pictures of Jesus at the Wallraf-Richartz Museum in Cologne, Germany, Walter Hofmueller, 58, suddenly stripped naked, climbed up on a table, announced that he was a "guest exhibit," and struck a pose.  He was still holding it when the police arrived and arrested him.

* He thought his rod and staff would comfort people.


COMPANY ARRANGES ANYTHING
"Fantasy Island" Without The Moral - The A.P. reports on a Florida company called Bluefish that specializes in arranging one-of-a-kind surprises for the wealthy, from sub tours of the Titanic to tickets to the Oscars to a pretend day as 007 complete with mock kidnaping.  One woman bought her husband a birthday flight lesson in an L-39 military jet, and a dad let his daughter walk a catwalk with professional models.  But the best might be the time they helped a man rent a yacht and fill it with his boss's favorite porn stars.  They said he was soon promoted.

*  His new title: "Porn Star Procurer."
*  He's now in charge of planning all the company Christmas parties.
*  It's like the Make-A-Wish Foundation for people who are TOO rich and healthy.



BREATHALYZERS NOW A BAR GAME
Okay, You're Drunkest!  Now, Drive Home... - The Daily Nebraskan reports that the trend of putting breathalyzers in bars so patrons can check their drunk level to make it's safe to drive home is backfiring.  Particularly in college-oriented bars, patrons are competing to see who can get the drunkest.  The paper warned that blowing into breathalyzers may be replacing throwing darts as the favorite bar game.

*  Let's hope that getting the drunkest and throwing darts are never combined into one game.
*  Isn't the whole point of going to college to see who can get the drunkest?
*  Before this, the only way to tell who was drunkest was to see which guy went home with the ugliest chick.


THE CAR YOUR DOG WILL CHASE!
Bow-WOW! - Honda has created a dog-friendly concept car for the Tokyo auto show.  The WOW ("Wonderful Openhearted Wagon") has wide sliding doors and removable, washable flooring.  It has a special seat belt for big dogs, a crate that folds up from the back seat floor, and a small crate in the glove compartment for tiny dogs, so owners can interact with them while driving.  A designer said it was created for a dog's point of view, but it turned out to also be a good, gentler design for transporting the elderly and children.

*  And of course, kidnaping victims.
*  Whether you're carrying dogs, babies or elderly people, you'll appreciate the washable flooring.
*  And there's no window glass, so the dog can hang its head out from every direction.




CELEBRITY GOSSIP ROUND-UP
He Shoplifted The Pooty - Tom Cruise's spokesman announced that he and fiancee Katie Holmes are already expecting a baby.  He added that Holmes "has never felt better."

*  Luckily, she was completely anesthetized when the Scientology lab geeks inseminated her with L. Ron Hubbard's sperm.


And He's In The Zone! - Us Weekly claims that a member of Britney Spears' entourage copied and is threatening to release a sex video of Britney and Kevin Federline, made when she was pregnant but not yet showing.  Spears has bragged a lot about all their hot sex, but don't get your hopes up.  The New York Post's Page Six said the couple's lawyers had to view the original tape, and the showing "elicited laughter and disgust."

*  It's just a lot of huffing and moaning that elicits laughter and disgust...Are they sure that wasn't a tape of her last album?


They Just Have Split Ends - The latest editions of both Us Weekly and Life & Style have cover stories declaring that Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson have split up.  But the couple immediately issued a joint statement denying they have separated.

*  Nick couldn't comment himself since he's busy making a movie with Angelina Jolie.
*  Nick said, "Don't believe what you read!"...And Jessica said, "Don't read!"



DR. PHIL SUED OVER DIET CLAIMS
Shouldn't Eating Less SAVE You Money? - Three dieters who claim Dr. Phil McGraw's "Shape Up!" diet plan was useless are suing him and trying to turn it into a national class-action suit.  The diet from CSA Nutraceuticals was endorsed by Dr. Phil, who wrote a book about it.  It required dieters to spend $120 a month to take 22 supplements and vitamins a day, based on whether their bodies were pear or apple-shaped.  But the diet was withdrawn after the Center for Science in the Public Interest said the pills don't promote weight loss.


*  So these people looked at Dr. Phil and thought he knew the secret of how to be skinny?
*  Once the lawyers take their cut, they could each win enough money to buy a  doughnut.



NEWS NOTES!

*  A survey of British parents found that nearly 80 percent think kids' behavior has gotten worse over the past 25 years, and most blame TV, video games, and the kids' diets

...Amazingly, none blamed the kids' parents.
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