Rod Steele 0014: You Only Live Until You Die (2002) Day Two. When last we spoke, Rod Steele, agent 0014 had just gone through the airport metal detector to board a plane for Prague, so he could discover and foil the evil plans of Tangerina, and find out what happened to agent 0013. His first stop is a house of ill repute run by Michelle Bauer, who reports that Tangerina has stolen all of her girls. Then 0014 (Sita Thompson) shows up in a trance and tries to kill Bauer. Steele stops her, and she is coerced into servicing a customer. Steele stays outside the door to listen in with his clicker, but it, of course, is the wrong one, and doesn't do what he expected it to.

The plot moves to Monte Carlo, as we discover exactly what the fiendish plan to rule the world is. Tangerina brainwashes prostitutes to collect the sperm of famous people, which she will then use to clone then replace them, thus controlling the entire world. Among her minions are Aeriola (Gabriella Hall), Pussy L'Amour (Jacqueline Lovell) and Sheila Vale. We also see two phone operators under the spell of the clicker, Tammie Fallon and Kira Reed. Tangerina is played by De'Ann Power. Some of the highlights include a dual between two men with vibrators, an orgy (with several naked women), and the combining of Pussy L'Amour and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the cloning machine to make a muscle bound woman.

Michelle Bauer is seen in lingerie. Jacqueline Lovell, Gabriella Hall, Kira Reed, Tammie Fallon and De'Ann Power show breasts and buns. Sita Thompson shows all three Bs. There may be additional bush, but it is hard to tell.

The DVD includes a commentary with the director, the editor, and two cast members. There is also a section of bloopers, auditions, rehearsals and cut scenes, and a behind the scenes short. IMDB readers have this at 4.9 of 10, although the mean is 6.2. If we consult the highest authority on this type of film, Joe Bob Briggs, he sees it as the best Bond parody of all time, and awards a full four stars out of four. This is a C+++. If you like parody and nudity, this is a must see. If you dislike both, stay away.

Boogie Nights (1997):

I did Wonderland two days ago and "Exhausted" yesterday, so Boogie Nights seemed like the logical next step. That marks three parts of the John Holmes tetrology. 1998's Wadd is not on DVD, so this concludes our broadcast. Tuna promised to do a major effort soon on Boogie Nights, so I concentrated only on the deleted scene with Rollergirl and Luis Guzman. The scene is lit beautifully, but the focus is on Guzman, and Graham is quite a bit behind him, thus ever-so-slightly out of focus. I don't mind, do you.?

• Heather Graham (1, 2, 3)

The Hard Word (2002):

The Hard Word is new to DVD this week. It's an offbeat Aussie caper film that was fairly well distributed in the USA and the UK. The scams are nothing special, the double crosses are all completely predictable, and the editing supplies a jumpy narrative, so there aren't any rewards in the plot, but the film benefits greatly from some in-depth characterizations of the three brothers who form the center of the criminal gang. The brothers are fleshed out in great detail, are distinctively colorful, and are quite different from one another. Couple that with some slick cinematography, some unusual Australian locales, good actors, and a cheeky sense of humor, and it makes the film worth watching as a fairly amusing character study.

Guy Pearce (Memento and L.A Confidential) stars, and I believe he is wearing the same putty nose that Kidman wore in The Hours. There doesn't seem to be any reason for the nose, since he's playing a fictional character who might have a nose exactly like Pearce's natural one. I think the nose and some scruffy facial hair are just there to allow people to allow Pearce to hide in the character, thus allowing audiences to watch the film without thinking, "It's the Memento dude", thus facilitating an identification with the character instead of Guy Pearce.

• Leanne McCulloch (1, 2)
• Rhondda Findleton
   

The In-Laws (2003):

The In-Laws is a mediocre comedy. Albert Brooks is a conservative physician whose daughter is about to marry the son of a flamboyant fellow who may be an international criminal, or a CIA agent. The attempts of the bride and groom to have a quiet Chicago wedding are throttled by arms dealers, a Russian nuclear submarine in Lake Michigan, a horde of FBI agents, gunplay, a fresh water tidal wave, and other absurdities.

Not to mention those ancient disco icons, K.C. and the Sunshine Band.

The movie is not great, but it's watchable. It has a few good laughs. Albert Brooks and Michael Douglas nailed their characters fairly well, but the film bombed with only $20 million at the gate, despite a big budget and a major rollout (2600 screens).

• Robin Tunney

Hollywood Homicide (2003):

This movie, another studio bomb, isn't even watchable. I don't even know if it was supposed to be funny. The characters do inexplicable things. The murder mystery is presented and solved without any sense of mystery or audience involvement. The chases go on forever.

They spent $75 million on this film, another $30 million marketing it, and released it on a blockbuster plan of 2800 screens. That plan had to be re-written quickly. It did only $30 million total box. According to the Guardian analysis, the British papers gave it an average of one star out of four (2.5 out of 10), although (I was shocked to see) Roger Ebert gave it three stars.

• Not only is it a pathetic film, but it has no nudity either.

OTHER CRAP:

• Brande Roderick, 2001 Playmate of the Year, Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!

• Hasta la vista, Gray Davis - California orders his total recall. As I write this, the Terminator has been declared the new State Kahuna, Flynt is running 7th, Coleman 10th, porn star Mary Carey Cook 11th, Gallagher 15th, Angelyne 24th.

• Kate Hudson topless paparazzi

• The wit and wisdom of Jessica Simpson

• more ultra-cheesy Halloween costumes

• Kim Gilmour - Photo Gallery :: Reflectoporn photo collection and other reflections

• Gold Teeth NY. This is too weird for me.

• Sitcoms Online - Sitcom news, message boards, links, theme songs, and more!

• Taste the Secret of a Meat Shake

• USATODAY.com - As seen on TV: New $20 bill

• Sinmatra returns from the dead.

• The U.S. Federal Trade Commission can enforce the national 'do-not-call' registry while an appeals court considers whether it violates telemarketers' free-speech rights, according to a court order released Tuesday.

• Hello Kitty USB-HUB

• An undertaker aligned with the mob came up with a novel way to hide murder victims -- burying them in 'double-decker' coffins underneath legitimate clients. Well, there's Quentin Tarantino's next movie.

• IFILM -Jennifer Aniston dons a sweet bikini for this spoof of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit models

• Quentin Tarantino would like to obtain the rights to Casino Royale and make his own Bond movie

• End-of-the-World Series. What if the Cubs and Red Sox both make the World Series? Technically, under baseball's rules, there is a way that they could both lose four games - a double forfeit in game seven. Here's how it could happen.

• Val Kilmer's career ... he's doing a paid autograph show with Phyllis Diller and Joanie from Happy Days

• Killer androids breedling like flies

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

A few more paparazzi pics...

First up, Kate Moss doing the braless-megapokie dance on the catwalk. Nice trend. Do all you can to encourage it.

• Kate Moss

Next up is the gift that just keeps on giving--- Mariah Carey in a Versace creation that looks just divine, darling.

• Mariah Carey

"Scenes of the Crime"
In this 2001 crime thriller, a young man needs money to get married and start his own business, so he drives for a local mobster, but things go very badly when the mobster becomes involved in a gang war.

Interesting and well-acted, but some may be put off by the movie's slow pace, however, I found it very enjoyable and twisty.

• Mizuo Peck, topless and more in a sex scene.

• Chelo Alonso is a Cuban beauty with an unusual look. The former Folies Bergčres dancer, who exhibited her seductive dancing talents in a few of her films (not this one), played the evil Queen Capys in ATLAS IN THE LAND OF THE CYCLOPS, from 1961. She falls for the superhero of the movie, actually named Maciste. The senorita had a big run of Italian films from 1959 to 1961, adding only a few titles to her career before calling it a day. One of her last (and small) roles was in Sergio Leone's THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY. There is no nudity here.

• Chelo Alonso as she appeared in MORGAN THE PIRATE (1961); She had an eye for the swashbuckler, as played by Steve Reeves.

• Monica Barber lives up to her last name, besides the final letter. She does a fairly decent job as Vanessa Helsing, a vampire hunter, in SUCKER: THE VAMPIRE (1998). Carrying a nice degree of poise, and allowing for some presence, she (alas) did not decide to reveal very much epidermis in this production... appearing to be her last. In the DVD commentary, the filmmakers mentioned they lost track of her whereabouts. Ms. Baber was also in VENDETTA, from two years previously.

• Melissa Park was thankfully not shy in SUCKER: THE VAMPIRE, distributed by Troma. She plays a groupie who is claimed as a victim by the film's vampire-rocker. In the DVD commentary, the director revealed he had met Melissa when she appeared in "Baywatch" (he was a production assistant on that show, or something), and it was through this friendship she wound up being cast. However... what a trooper. There's a night-time swimming pool scene which apparently was very cold... and the actress went above and beyond the call of duty, uncomplainingly.... in this and other examples. I felt impressed with this unpretentious sounding, sweet gal. She's very attractive, in that classical 'blonde" sense, with a beautiful body... and she held her own quite nicely as an actress, more than one would expect from the typical "bimbo" role. However, her career appears to have stopped dead in its tracks, this one being the last film credit (she also co-starred in what sounds to be a poor white slavery film, WHERE EVIL LIES from three years earlier). It ain't fair!

• Tatiana Tieleis (evidently) the "Dream Girl," a victim whose nude body is carried off by the vampire's assistant in the beginning credits.

• Gail Harris is the last featured actress from SUCKER: THE VAMPIRE. She plays a pick-up who meets a fatal end. I'm partial to the former Page 3 girl, with the sexily crooked mouth... who has done without her British accent in this film. She had reportedly retired, focusing on publishing porno.... but has come back into the film world with a vengeance, appearing in three in the last couple of years.

• Naomi McClure plays a Japanese-American who has failed a wealthy maniac.... and for her sins, is turned into a Blood Doll in Charles Band's surprisingly innovative BLOOD DOLLS (1999). This Full Moon production appears to be the actress's only foray into film, and her semi-nudity leaves much to the imagination. In a companion documentary about the film (directed by Penelope Spheeris), the producer sproings the top from the doll, so at least the doll showed some good stuff.

• Venesa Talor is "Cotton Baby" in BLOOD DOLLS, the lead singer of a bizarro "Spice Girls" type-band who is kept caged by the film's maniac. They provide nicely "dark" backgrund music on command. When the FEMALIEN star was interviewed by Director Penelope Spheeris in the documentary about the making of the film (entitled "Hollywierd" [sic]), she was asked whether the boob job she chose to get instead of a college education was more valuable. The actress answered, "Yes."

As always, the G-man invites you to visit him at Sick Sexy Sinema Shots

Alexa Davalos

Lilia Zilinna
(1, 2)

First up, a 58 year old Barbeau gives up a side breast view in scenes from the made for HBO series "Carnivāle".

Next, Davalos and Zilinna both show brief breast views in scenes from the made for HBO movie "And Starring Pancho Villa as Himself" (2003), starring Antonio Banderas.

CLASSICAL MUSIC MAKES DINERS SPEND MORE
Living Like Frasier - Researchers at Britain's Universities of Leicester and Surrey did an experiment involving restaurant music, alternating silence, pop and classical over 18 nights. They found that when classical music was played, people ordered more expensive meals, wines, and desserts. A psychologist said the music may make people feel more sophisticated, so they order more luxurious items. They also found that playing music from Germany or France made people order more wines from those countries.