Murphy's Law (1986) is a Golan Globus actioner staring Charles Bronson as Jack Murphy, a divorced police detective with a drinking problem and an attitude. His ex, Angel Tompkins, is now stripping, and living with the club owner. As the film opens, a young thief named Arabella McGee steals his car. Although she drives it into a showroom window, she kicks him in the groin and escapes. He comes home to find his final divorce decree in his mailbox. He has not had a good evening.

The following morning, he is called to a murder scene, and recognizes the dead hooker as belonging to an Italian businessman whose brother deals coke. He proceeds to harass the brother, and then kills the pimp at an airport shootout. Murphy spots Arabella in a store, and arrests her. He then goes to his wife's club, and gets in an argument with is ex and her boyfriend. What we know, and he doesn't, is that a woman he arrested and got committed has been released, and is after him for revenge. She kills the ex wife and the club owner, and frames Murphy. Murphy is arrested, and ends up cuffed to Arabella while waiting for arraignment. He engineers an escape, and, of course, has to take her with him. The two are now wanted for murder, and try to solve the crime to save themselves. That gets harder as more people die.

This has always been a personal favorite film, and entirely because of the performance of Kathleen Wilhoite as Arabella. She has the most creative potty mouth in the history of film. My personal favorite from her, and one that I use often, is, "You snot licking donkey fart." The final climatic scene also has one of the great liners of all time, but I wont spoil that one.

Angel Tompkins shows breasts and buns stripping in the club. IMDB readers have this at 5.1 of 10. It grossed $9.95 M is the US. There are no reviews to be found. Bronson essentially plays Bronson, and the plot is not enough of a reason to watch the film, but the character of Arabella McGee, and a pretty good job by Carrie Snodgress as the insane villain make it worth the time. C.

UPDATES:

• Updated volumes: (3) "Just Say" Julie Brown, Lara Flynn Boyle, Julianne Moore

   

Willard (2003):

I've talked about the film before. The DVD is truly excellent. I didn't have anywhere near enough time to go through all the features. There is a full-length commentary (with the director, and the unique Crispin Glover, and others) as well as a "making of" documentary. The "making of" is not the usual five minute piece of bullshit marketing gloss, but a full-length feature film in its own right. The extras also include 30 minutes worth of footage in the "deleted scenes" section, and this area also comes with (or without) commentary.

 ... not to mention two versions of the film - super-widescreen and full screen. If you are interested in the film at all, you can't go wrong with this full-featured, two-sided DVD.

Sadly, there is no nudity except for the rats.

Shark Zone (2003):

In order to appreciate this one, you have to see the pictures.

Low budget movie with nothing to recommend it except some beautiful, crisp photography. Bulgaria is a beautiful country. The nudity is very nicely photographed, but I have no idea who she is.

• Unknown future shark attack victim heading for her appointment with destiny. (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• The 100 greatest monsters of all time

• Mouseketeer see-through .mpg

• Here's the chick who plays Gogo in Kill Bill.

• Last week, Halliburton, the oil-services and construction company formerly run by Vice President Dick Cheney, surprisingly warned that its earnings for the current quarter would be 15 percent lower than estimates." Analysts said that the Veep has helped the company while in the vice-presidency, but not enough to compensate for the losses generated by the bonehead decisions he had previously made as CEO.

• Kidman Wins Defamation Suit Against Sun Tabloid "The court Tuesday ordered the Sun to pay Kidman an undisclosed amount. The damages stemmed from a lawsuit over a March article the tabloid ran, which claimed Kidman had an affair with actor Jude Law, which led to the break-up of his marriage to actress Sadie Frost. The tabloid admitted in court that the article, published in March, was untrue. "

• I'm guessing that these girls are not carpet-munchers. At least we can conclude that no Bush will pass their lips

• Here's the trailer for - RESIDENT EVIL 2: APOCALYPSE

• "At last, a political family that combines the remnants of the Camelot dynasty with the origins of the Predator franchise"

• Rought - Anime Porn

• Random Insult Generators ::: Insultmonger.com

• Escher's "Relativity" in LEGO

• The Brick Testament. The Bible through Legos

• The license plate for Agent Smith is IS5416. Here is the biblical passage for Isaiah 54:16

• Looney Tunes .WAV Files

• Game spoilers for lame endings. Here's what happens when you get to the last level.

• Get this, not only is smoking dope fun to do before sex, but it also severely reduces the likelihood of pregnancy. Hey, how did Tommy Chong get those daughters?

• Fiji village to apologize for eating an English missionary. A spokesman for the town told the missionary's family that they could have his possessions, missing only a jar of light Dijon mustard and a case of Beaujolais which goes especially well with human flesh.

• Local historians are pursuing a lead near Guam that, if it bears out, could solve one of the biggest question marks of the 20th century: the fate of famed aviator Amelia Earhart."

• The BunnyRanch Purchases The Mustang Ranch

• FallonFey.com has updated with the two new shows from the 2003-2004 season.

• Jessica Simpson actually a deep cover master spy. Dumb behavior "just an act". Rumor has it she was outed by the Bush administration for remarks made by her husband.

• "It's fair to say that many, if not most, of the patrons of Club Paradise Gentlemen's Club don't notice the artwork on the walls, but that artwork allowed Club Paradise to recently ask for and receive designation as 'Center for the Visual and Performing Arts,' "

• A small plane crashed near a wedding party in central Serbia, and local media said it was apparently brought down by celebratory rounds fired by wedding guests. "

• zurich's true beauties - nightclub pics. Not as good as the ones from Denmark, but still good.

• Your Unofficial Catwoman Movie Site! Lots of pics.

• Robert Downey, Jr.: I'm off drugs for good

• Top 11 Rejected Car Names

• why does Kill Bill seem so familiar?

• A freshman tailback scored the opening touchdown Saturday in West Las Vegas High School's rout of Pojoaque - and was homecoming princess to boot."

• "The well-documented controversy swirling around Mel Gibson's upcoming movie The Passion Of Christ, formerly known as The Passion, has movie fans so curious that they've been crashing Web sites in their search for bootleg trailers."

• ANNA K has finally accepted that she's better as a full-time sex symbol than a part-time court princess. The Russian beauty said yesterday she was likely to quit tennis permanently by year's end to concentrate on a television career. 'I'd love to appear in something like Sex And The City or Friends' " Or the annual Snap-On Tools Calendar, as Miss Lug Wrench.

• "With a title such as Orifice, the main exhibition of this year's Melbourne International Arts Festival cannot be shy. The show is a bracing parade of unsettling visions involving body-openings"

• More strange dresses from Mariah Carey.

• The PEZ museum.

• The complete script to "The Big Lebowski"

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

First up, here's the rest of Tara Reid in Body Shots. Scenes with violence against women usually creep me out big time, but the second of the two versions of coital activity filmed in this movie has all the ambiguity necessary to a) advance the plot; b) keep me from fast-forwarding. By the by, Tara does a terrific job of acting. Really. After seeing Van Wilder I thought she had all the acting skill of a typical fashion model, but in this film she was wunnerful.

• Tara Reid (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

And then there are the latest paparazzi pics, including the ever-more-revealing Mariah in two dresses that should be required wearing for all babes who make stink-o movies. And if you don't recognize the name, Sarah Silverman is the comedienne so funny she even makes Crank Yankers worth watching (somtimes). Nice rack, too.

• Ashlee Simpson
• Mariah Carey
• Rachel Weisz
• Sarah Silverman
• Shakira
• Uma Thurman

P.S. Scoops, don't know if you've seen it yet, but allow me to warn you about something. Regarding the guy who saw Kill Bill, bought a puppy, named it Quentin Tarantino and then killed it with a salad fork... well, he didn't go far enough. At least I would not have been satisfied. From someone who loves Pulp Fiction, who has seen it maybe a dozen times and who would take it above all other movies with him to a deserted island (equipped with plasma screen TV and DVD player) the following is a painful admission: I would do without seeing it...ever... if Tarentino had died in childbirth... or at least kept his day job and never made a movie. A fair trade. Kill Bill is not bad, it is not awful, it is not atrocious...it is an abomination onto God.

"Detention" aka "Learning Curve"
A man returns to teaching as a substitude to find that the public high school he's at is a nightmare of kids assaulting teachers, a female teacher molested at gunpoint, and students beating students on a daily basis.

Sounds exactly like The Substitute, but then things get very strange as six particularly troublesome students find themselves naked in electrified cages with no way out, no food, and no water. To survive, they must "learn". While this movie is a little too weird to be called good, it is different.

• Assorted nude babes

• Emily Bruni, topless (1, 2)

• Julie Delpy, also topless.

• Neve Campbell, no skin, but it's nice to see she's still around.

• Robin Tunney, toplessness and some partial rear nudity. (1, 2, 3, 4)

BUSH SAYS HE'S IN CHARGE
There's Less Sniping In Iraq! - President Bush says he's sick of Democrats and the media sniping at his Iraq policy and claiming his advisers are paralyzed by political infighting. Bush said, "They're just wrong about our strategy. We've had a strategy from the beginning," adding, "The person who is in charge is me."