Sappho '68 (1968) is an early tittie flick/shocking expose of lesbianism. Five then unknown actresses show skin, including full frontal from three of them. One of the women didn't remain unknown, but grew up to be Uschi Digard. This is the earliest film I have seen of her, and her breasts are just large here, but not yet enormous. She is a photographer who has never had a boyfriend. She hires a lesbian model to pose, and the two end up lovers. They go out to a lesbian nightclub, and watch two topless, then naked women box. Then we are treated to the model's former lover being bored by a naked performer. Finally, the jilted lover gets even with Uschi and the model.

There is no dialogue. Everything is narrated. Most of the footage has excellent image quality, but there are a few very rough areas, probably mastered from a different print than most of the film. Uschi shows breasts, buns, and a wisp of pubic hair seen from the back. The model shows breasts and buns. The other unknown women show everything. This is a curiosity, and a source for early Uschi nudity, and little else. Fans of Uschi will want to rent it, but it not good erotica. D.

The Matrix Retarloaded (2003):

Given an almost unprecedented level of expectations, many people were disappointed with this film. I watched it with my wife and we both liked it, but with reservations. Here is a quick summary of our reactions:

NEGATIVES:

1. It suffers from "middle chapter" syndrome, and unlike most other middle chapter movies, it is not a self-contained film. It is merely there to provide the transition between #1 and #3.

• It begins at a point which would be completely incomprehensible if you missed #1. In fact, if you have not seen the first, either do so or skip this one, because you won't have any idea what's going on. Hell, it isn't that simple even if you HAVE seen #1.
• It ends on a cliffhanger, like one of those old-time serials, which many people found irritating.

2. The fight scenes are

• repetitious - same old stuff over and over again,
• predictable - we know Neo always wins
• illogical - Neo seems to be barely holding his own for a while, until he goes into Superman mode, so we wondered why he wasted his time. Why not just do the Superman thing right away?).

Elya dissented partially on this one. She liked the fight scene with Morpheus on top of the moving truck in freeway traffic, because there was some tension - always the chance that Morpheus would lose.

3. The dancing scene goes on too long.

POSITIVES:

1. Very intricate and challenging philosophical issues. Are the prophecies just another construct of the Matrix? Is it possible that "The One" himself is just part of the program - like some kind of a steam valve to control the small percentage of humans who will reject the Matrix? Is Neo really the sixth "One", or is it a lie made up by the machines to throw him off their scent? What is the deal with Agent Smith?

2. Imaginative concepts matched to imaginative visuals.

The Matrix Reloaded was a monster hit which grossed more than $700 million worldwide. I really liked it when they weren't fighting.

• Carrie-Anne Moss (1, 2, 3, 4)
• anonymous dancer
• Monica Bellucci. OK, she didn't show a frigging thing, and she's aging. But she's still Monica Bellucci, dammit!

OTHER CRAP:

• The federal government is preparing for the first time to require that personal computers and other consumer electronics devices contain technology to help block Internet piracy of digital entertainment.

• Cubs lose. Cubs lose. Two days ago they looked like a sure bet. They had a 3-2 lead in games, the two remaining games in Wrigley, and Wood/Prior on the mound in those two. The Marlins, and maybe Old Man Destiny, had other ideas.

• Meet Steve Bartman. He's the poor 26-year-old Chicago Cubs fan who last night got his hands on that foul ball headed for outfielder Moises Alou's mitt. Do the Bartman.

• Complete script for Kill Bill, parts 1 and 2, if you don't want to wait

• Holy Cow! Game 7: Pedro vs Rocket. Yankee Stadium. About as good as it gets.

• Denny's Beer Barrel Pub - nobody has even been able to eat their burger. It could be because it weighs 9 pounds, or it could be because it sucks.

• Online Frisbee Golf

• Create yourself as a Lego character

• Pete's World Famous Pinball T & A Page

• Octodog's Frankfurter Converter -The fun, simple and safer way to turn ordinary hotdogs into exciting to cook and super fun to eat... Octodogs

• Beyonce Knowles, a devout Christian, says she has permission from God to wear sexy clothes and strip on stage but not to have a girl-girl kiss. God is sure getting specific on those dos and don'ts.

• Carolina Hurricanes - the only major league hockey cheerleaders

• WouldYouBelieve.com - Sounds from Get Smart

• Homeowners Association Takes Couple To Court Over the Color of Their House

• Visitors to the Arizona State Fair can climb the Mount Everest of cholesterol with a fried cheeseburger. It's ground beef wrapped around a stick, then wrapped in cheese, coated in batter and deep-fried.

• Rodney King, the black motorist whose beating by Los Angeles police was videotaped a dozen years ago, was arrested for allegedly punching his girlfriend I guess we can't all get along

• Internet abbreviations. LMFAO, LSMFT.

• Angelina Jolie is tired of looking at Colin Farrell's dick. I know the feeling. With all the movies I watch, I have the same feeling about Harvey Keitel's dick. Oh, wait, I had that same feeling the first time I saw it.

• more reasons to love women's beach volleyball

• "Sixteen Candles," 16 Years Later Pull out the yearbooks, throw on the varsity letter jackets--it's high school reunion time for the gang from the 1984 John Hughes comedy. 32 Candles will update the lives of Sam Baker, Farmer Ted, Long Duk Dong and the rest of the gang.

• Yesterday, Walt Disney Pictures, which had bought the rights to Hitchhiker's Guide, gave the go-ahead for an $100 million feature-film adaptation."The British actors Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie are vying for the lead role of Arthur Dent, who escapes Earth shortly before it is demolished, to embark on a series of intergalactic mishaps. Hollywood superstars Jim Carrey and Cameron Diaz are understood to be interested in the roles of Zaphod Beeblebrox, a totally out-to-lunch, two-headed politician, and his glamorous girlfriend, Trillian, who is also from Earth. Filming is scheduled to begin in Britain next year"

• Weekly World News: "IN A desperate bid to keep one step ahead of his American pursuers, the once-mighty Saddam Hussein took a job scrubbing toilets in the Baghdad offices of the U.S. civil administrators of Iraq, sources claim. "

• Republican Eye For The Democratic Guy

• JLO's Changes documented at Awfulplasticsurgery.com: Jennifer Lopez nose job, lip reduction

• Flying moose lands on car roof. Wait - I thought Rocky was the flying one.

• President Bush investigates mysterious white house leak: "Donning a battered fedora and a worn raincoat, President Bush announced that he has decided to investigate the ‘mysterious’ White House leak, which led to the outing of undercover CIA agent Valeria Plame. President Bush said that he decided to hold his own investigation when he was re-reading “The Mystery of the Missing Chums,” one of his favorite Hardy Boy stories. “Boy, that Chet sure cracks me up"

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Amy Smart, uber-cutie. Topless. In skimpy little panties. Straddling her date. Must be "Road Trip".

Love this scene. Reminds me of when I was in college and a girl who looked just like Amy Smart.... yes she did... got all friendly and stuff and stripped out of her clothes in my room and then spotted my digital camera...so it was 1983, but I was way ahead of the curve on these technology things... and asked if we could film ourselves doing the deed because she wanted me to have a copy. Yep. That's why I like this scene so much. And as the Great Kreskin says at the end of Plan 9 From Outer Space, can you prove it didn't happen? Well, I do suppose what happened in Plan 9 is a tad more believable.

• Amy Smart (1, 2, 3, 4)

So for today's paparazzi pics, we have the gift that keeps on giving, Mariah Carey in a dress or a bib or something that lets the puppies almost all the way out to play.

Monique Parent
(1, 2, 3)

Parent and Rhey
(1, 2)

Molly Gross
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

BATTERED, DEEP-FRIED WADS OF CHEESY MEAT
Needs Cheese Sauce! - Last month, the State Fair of Texas introduced the deep-fried Oreo. Not to be outdone, Arizona State Fair vendors are offering the fried cheeseburger - ground beef on a stick, wrapped in cheese, dipped in batter and deep fried - and the Kaktus Kutter - a green chili stuffed with pepper cheese, wrapped in roast beef, turkey or ham, batter-dipped and deep-fried.