This may be the biggest money loser of the year, with a rumored production cost of $138 million, and about $30 million in box office.

There is no nudity, but Ms. Biel has just been chosen by Esquire as the sexiest person on earth, so I guess we have to go with a nice bikini scene. She is seen here with that Sweet Home Alabama guy who was obviously created from Matthew McConaughey's DNA. You know those two guys eventually have to play brothers.

I don't know if Biel is the sexiest woman on the planet, but she has a tremendous natural shape enhanced by what is obviously a vigorous work-out routine. Or, to word it less delicately, big boobs, tight butt. Physical fitness is definitely sexy in my book!

• Jessica Biel Zipped. wmv

Jessica Biel

Secrets of a Call Girl (1973)

Edwige Fenech stars as a naīve shop clerk in Bergamo who falls for a Milanese mobster laying low near her café. He soon forces her deep into his life, making her carry drugs across the border and use her sex appeal to compromise rival criminals and others. She does eventually escape from the thug with the assistance of a compassionate doctor, but the mobster tracks her down and wants revenge, so she is forced into a showdown to the death.

It's a classic 1970s Italian grade-B pulp film, part crime saga, part soulful chick-flick. It does offer some guilty pleasures along the way:

1) Richard Conte stars as a mobster named ... (wait for it) ... Don Barzini! (Same character Conte played in The Godfather.) I don't know if the mobster was originally named Barzini when this film hit the streets. There are no closing credits on the widescreen DVD print. This film came out while The Godfather was the hottest ticket on the planet, so it's my guess that the Barzini name was cobbled in to make Secrets of a Call Girl seem like some kind of sequel to the Coppola classic.

2) There is a lush, romantic orchestral score by Luciano Michelini. I've spun that in the most positive way. A less enthusiastic summary would be "an evocative piece of 70s nostalgia," and the negative spin would be "hilariously insipid, corny, and repetitive music, frequently descending all the way to mawkish." I didn't enjoy it in an absolute sense, but I loved the nostalgic value of it.

3) The cinematography is actually quite impressive. It was originally filmed in a 2.35:1 aspect ratio, which was never convenient for home viewing before DVD. NoShame films has taken the original 35mm reversal print, digitally re-mastered it, and produced it in an uncut transfer. Unfortunately, they did not have as much success with this one as they did with some others (like The Sensuous Nurse and Devil in the Flesh, which look brand new). NoShame did clean up Secrets of a Call Girl, but it looks dark, lacks vibrancy, and is sometimes blurry. It's not bad, mind you, just not as good as some of NoShame's best work. Their other films demonstrate that they are excellent at restoration, so they must have done the best they could with mediocre source material.

4) Edwige Fenech's breasts make several appearances throughout the film.

Apart from those elements, it is a cheesy melodrama aspiring to be a tragedy. The quality is no better than a 90 minutes of a crime show from any typical American TV show in the same era. The pacing and editing are problematic. The early part of the film is paced so slowly that several minutes of screen time are dedicated to watching a car speed through Milan (The driver is transporting a critically injured mobster, thus providing a justification for a car chase with only one car. Very economical!). The middle of the film includes dialogue and action that had me laughing out loud (it wasn't supposed to be funny). Then the tragic final act of the film is paced so rapidly that ten years elapse unexpectedly. Edwige is young, then she's giving birth, then the child is six years old - and all those transitions occur in jarring, confusing fashion.

Edwige Fenech

Unknown

We continue on with more great nudity from "The Godson", they really knew how to make movies in the 70's!

First up Maria Aronoff returns, topless only as she holds a towel over the fuzz box. The poor girl winds up with a bullet in the head....who knows, she may have lived had she dropped the towel.

Maria Aronoff

Next is the always fabulous Uschi Digard and she gives it all up and you can play the "Spot the Tool" game with her caps. Then she is joined by Deborah McGuire as the two ladies take on one man.

Uschi Digard

Uschi Digard and Deborah McGuire

Then we have Casey Lorrain naked but trying to wrap herself in a big bath towel as this "Damsel in Distress" is menaced by Rocco the bad guy.

Casey Lorrain

Back tomorrow with one last shot from "The Godson".

"Chastity"
Chastity (1969) was written by Sonny Bono and is a load of self-indulgent tripe. It stars his then wife Cher. There's a bare breast and bum of a woman that is supposed to be Cher, but it is almost certainly a body double.

Cher (and most likely a body double)

"Donnie Brasco"
The topless nudity in Donnie Brasco (1997) comes from some unidentified party girls. Anne Heche keeps her clothes on but shows a bit of sex appeal.

Anne Heche

Unknown

"Watch It"
Taylor Render is briefly topless in Watch It (1993), although the quality is not very good as you're looking at it via a television. A bit of sex appeal by Jordana Capra and Terri Hawkes.

Taylor Render

Jordana Capra

Terri Hawkes

"The Associate"
The nudity in The Associate is by some topless dancers and waitresses. Bebe Neuwirth shows a bit of sex appeal in her thong and underwear.

Bebe Neuwirth

Topless Dancers

"All About My Mother"
All About My Mother aka Todo sobre mi madre (1999) is a Spanish film. Antonia San Juan, who plays a prostitute, is briefly topless and Candela Peņa is down to her skimpy underwear.

Antonia San Juan

Candela Peņa

"48 Hrs"
Plenty of naked and sexy ladies in 48 Hrs (1982), the Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte comedy. In the naked stakes we have Greta Blackburn and Denise Crosby. On the sexy side we have Annette O'Toole, Margot Rose, Olivia M Brown and Suzanne M Regard.

Greta Blackburn

Denise Crosby

Annette O'Toole

Margot Rose

Olivia M Brown

Suzanne M Regard

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
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• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

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