L'Idole (2002), or The Idol, has finally been released in France (R2 PAL) at sell-through prices. It was a very long watch, as it is a very talky character driven drama entirely in French with no subtitles. I not only missed all of the plot nuances, but probably main points as well. Leelee Sobieski causes a stir in an apartment house. She is attractive, noisily sexually active, and an aspiring actress. James Hong lives in the apartment opposite her, is a retired chef, and is thinking about moving into a rest home, mostly our of loneliness. Other characters include Leelee's actor boyfriend, a landlady who minds everyone else's business, and her henpecked husband, who even has to sneak smokes.

Leelee and Hong form a friendship, based on their mutual loneliness. He cooks for her, and does her laundry. For her part, she has sex, practices her lines, and contemplates suicide. I will probably watch a sub-titled or dubbed version when and if it becomes available, to see if understanding what is being said helps, but I didn't get much from this film, other than the glimpses of Leelee. We see her nude, from the side, brushing her hair, then from the back sitting on the bed.

IMDB readers have this at 5.5 of 10. Most reviews are tepid, and question the wisdom of Australian writer/director Samantha Long taking her act to France, and making a French language film with two American actresses of different ethnicity. They made excessive use of tinting, such that we have yellow, orange, blue, and green scenes. I couldn't tell if this was done with lighting or in post prod. I will wait for an English version before giving a final score, but, as it stands, it is a C- at best for non-French speaking audiences.

The Juror

Complete spoilers.

The core ingredients of a good movie are present in The Juror. Alec Baldwin is intimidating as a soft-spoken, educated, high IQ hit man. Demi Moore is intimidated, then determined, as the victim of an intricate mafia plot. James Gandolfini is excellent as a low-level wise guy with a compassionate streak.

But the ingredients don't combine properly. The whole is less than the sum of its parts. Part of the problem is that the film sprawls over far too much landscape. In a character-based film, it's OK to stretch the film out over a long running time. When we are really into a character's life, we want to know more about them. In Lost in Translation, I wanted the film to be longer, not shorter. In Once Upon a Time in America, I want to see the original 10 hour cut. But a thriller with the typical implausible elements can't really be stretched ad infinitum. By the nature of the genre, each additional plot twist provides an additional strain on the credulity of the audience. People are willing to put up with one unlikely event, or two, but when it starts to get up near a dozen, well, people have a limited amount of patience, and there is a breaking point.

The original premise wasn't bad at all. A mob boss was on trial. Demi Moore was on the jury. Alec Baldwin played a psychotic mob enforcer who let Demi Moore know that a "not guilty" vote was the only way to save her own life, and her son's. Just to show how vulnerable mother and son are, Baldwin and Gandolfini kept popping up everywhere Demi turned, kind of like Waldo. You know the drill. Head to a museum, Gandolfini is a guard. Go to a ballgame, Gandolfini is selling hot dogs. Go to a secluded mountain village in Guatemala, Baldwin is the local priest, speaking fluent Spanish with a proper Guatemalan accent.

That much was reasonable by the standards of Hollywood thrillers. Demi got convinced that she was trapped and she just didn't know what to do.

But then things got crazy.

• It turns out that Baldwin didn't just want Demi to vote "not guilty". He also insisted that she had to convince the other 11 jurors of the innocence of the accused mobster, even though the guy had actually been recorded ordering the crime, and the prosecution had an airtight case. If she was unable to do so, it was to be curtains for her and the kid.
• It also turned out that Baldwin had no trouble getting into her guarded hotel room while she was sequestered.
• On top of all that, Baldwin also had bugs in the jury deliberation room, and heard every word.
• Ok, so Demi managed to convince the jury. Not guilty.
• Then the mob boss was worried that Demi would waver after the trial, so Baldwin continued to intimidate her. He started out by fucking and killing Demi's best friend (Anne Heche). As far as I can see, that scene served no purpose in the film other than to expose Anne Heche's breasts. Now that I think about it, what better purpose could there be?
• Then it got really crazy, with Demi double crossing the DA after agreeing to co-operate, then double-crossing Baldwin by getting him, caught in a mob war.
• Then the mob war, which consisted of Alec Baldwin against the Five Families, ended with every mobster in the NY/NJ area dead except Baldwin. He was one tough cookie.
• Then Baldwin, surviving the double-cross, and knowing that Demi had betrayed him, raced Moore to a remote hamlet in Guatemala, where Demi had stashed her son with a scientist who was studying local customs.
• Demi missed the plane to Guatemala, but she still managed to get there before Baldwin, by chartering a Guatemalan military plane and hiring the entire Guatemalan army to assist her. Baldwin, flush with his victory over the entire Mafia, was almost able to defeat the entire army of Guatemala as well, but finally lost when Demi broke the tie by shooting him with a handgun.

If the script had stayed closer to the original premise, a one-on-one psychological thriller pitting Demi against Baldwin, and if the script had made Baldwin more of an ordinary mortal man rather than a criminal genius on the Lex Luthor level, it might have been a good flick. It had some good moments, and some good ingredients.

As it was, it just piled on more and more incredible Baldwin accomplishments, and it was at the point where it needed the "too silly" guy from Monty Python to break up the sketch.

Barely watchable movie. It had some good elements that enabled me to survive without the FF, but I don't recommend it. When it was over, I felt I had been watching it for days.

• Anne Heche. (1, 2, 3, 4) Her name awareness has surely cooled in the past three years, eh? Like a female Johnny Depp, she is attractive and has a monstrous amount of talent, despite her personal eccentricities.

OTHER CRAP:

• Nell McAndrew shows her bottle as she peels off for a drinks campaign.

• Pop star pokies

• The world naked rock/paper/scissors championships

• What does Mrs Peel look like today? My recommendation: skip this link and remember what she used to look like.

• Here's the second part of that Kate Richie sex tape

• gazillions of free nekkid pics

• NEBRASKA COEDS - WILD COLLEGE GIRLS. This is a preview page for a pay site, but the thumbnails lead to full-sized pics for free.

• The Official Website of the Fighting Whites basketball team.

• Judge Orders Rape Trial for Kobe Bryant

• The US Government's official list of drug nicknames. Also suitable as baby names, if you and your spouse are really stuck.

• Academy Award-winning actor Robert De Niro (news), 60, has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, but his prospects for a full recovery are good"

• National Lampoon is not the only magazine to get into the movie biz. High Times is now debuting its first feature, Potluck.

• Kim Jong-Il named new L'Oreal spokesperson. C'mon, you knew Noriega couldn't keep the job forever.

• The 100 Greatest Comic Books of the 20th Century

• Texting, lazy jargon, management-speak: never has the English language been so abused.

• which is better for your skin - CUM or MOISTURIZER?

• Erotic Alphabet: French series of hand-coloured etchings appeared about 1880.

• In the World Series, Game 7 Occurs Much More Often Than Simple Probability Would Suggest

• Did you always want to be an air traffic controller? Check this out! Fascinating. (To get the air traffic perspective, click on the lower link for each airport)

• Mr Wizard never covered this topic. How to make a cannon at home.

• Looking for a wav file? ILoveWavs.com

• Dog Shoots Owner

• Drinkometer - The Drink-o-Meter Test - How much Alcohol have you consumed in your lifetime?

• Live in Santa Monica, Long Beach, or Austin Texas? Be In A Movie!

• Carmen Electra to assay the challening role of Lady MacBeth. Just kidding. She'll actually be playing the part of Carmen Electra in a horror/comedy film. She has already begun preparing, and expects to "do a DeNiro in Raging Bull" in an effort to transform herself completely into the role.

• "We've deposed the dictator, but lost the peace. Never has America's prestige in Europe been lower." When was this written? January 1946.

• Possible Fujiwara nude spread sets tongues wagging She's Japan's #1 commercial spokesperson, according to the article.

• Headline: "Cincinnati's crazy for Cornhole " I didn't make that up, honest. I still have to think that San Francisco is the champion at cornholing.

• Princess Diana letter claims plot to kill her - in staged auto accident. The letter implies that she was to be killed by the British Royal Family, so Charles would be free to remarry without controversy. Personally, I blame Bill Clinton, though I haven't figured out why yet.

• Girls Gone Wild moves to Amish country

• Atlanta just says no to "The Madonna-Mouseketeer Kiss" on a billboard.: The text on the billboard may have been part of the problem: "Their music stinks", read the sign, "but we'd do 'em."

• The 2003 Dumb-Ass Corporate Lawsuit Awards

• NJ Town Tries Silly Speeding Signs NJ speeding sign, "You wanna speed? I got yer fuckin' speed right here (graphic: man grabbing crotch)"

• Student fools international newspapers with a spoof story about fellatio reducing the likelihood of breast cancer.

• CHARACTERS from popular kid's TV show Sesame Street are to be used to promote peace in the Middle East. I just love the one where Oscar the Terrorist boycotts the store when he finds out Mr Hooper is Jewish.

• Movie beauty Angelina Jolie and her co-star Val Kilmer sealed their romance with a week in bed, according to a British tabloid.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Jenny Agutter the UK actress and star of the classic sci-fi flick "Logan's Run" baring breasts bum and bush in scenes from the 1971 movie "Walkabout".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Shannon Hart Cleary

Anywho....here's Biel in a bikini from the 2001 stink-fest "Summer Catch".

Christina Baby
(1, 2)

Ananda Saint James
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)

Kennedy Johnston
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20)

Cecelia Simon
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19)

It is the rare soft-core that is serious at all about plot...though the sex scenes occupied most of the 96 minute running time, they never became boring. There was enough character development among the main characters that I became involved with their struggle. I applaud director Quinn for making what is in my top ten list of soft-core films.

This is one hell of an effort, especially given the time and budget constraints. The physical locations were good, the plot was better than many soft-core efforts, all of the players could deliver lines, The special effects were not terrible and the sex scenes sizzled.

BLAINE EMERGES FROM BOX
Look For His New Book, "The Idiot Diet" - Sunday, magician David Blaine finally exited the plastic box in London, where he's been living on nothing but water for 44 days. He said, "I learned more in that box than I have in years." He lost 55 pounds and is so weak and emaciated, he'll have to be on a liquid diet. Doctors say if he swallows solid food, or does anything strenuous like having sex with his hot model girlfriend, for at least three days, it could kill him.