Mortuary Academy (1988)

For those like me who enjoy the Paul Bartel/Mary Woronov black comedy Eating Raul way too much, I have good news. This is another. Two brothers are to inherit their late uncle's mortuary and attached mortuary academy provided they graduate from the academy. It is run by Paul Bartel, who is a closet necropheliac, and the classes are taught by Woronov. If our boys don't graduate, the ownership stays with Bartel.

The other students include a hip rapper, an ex con, a love interest for one of the brothers who is only interested in the make-up aspects of the funeral business, someone who designed animatronics and has some great ideas to revolutionize the industry, and other assorted oddballs.

The exposure is breasts from Cheryl Starbuck as a corpse, and the object of Bartel's attention. Also, look for a cameo from Wolfman Jack. I have included a few images of the artwork used during the opening credits, and one example of the sick mind at work here. Yes, of course this is a bad movie, but that is sort of the point. IMDb readers have it at 4.3. Scoopy awarded a D, calling it sophomoric material that just didn't work. When we disagree on a film, it is likely to be a comedy, and this one was offbeat enough to entertain me. It is a C-.


 

Cheryl Starbuck
Credits

 

 

The Collectors (1999)

This is a Canadian Lethal Weapon clone staring Casper Van Dien and Rick Fox. However, they are collectors and hit men for a New Orleans mob boss, in the Big Apple to collect some money and kick some butt. For the film to work, it was necessary to make them sympathetic characters, and they managed that well from the first collection attempt, where the scumbag they were after raped and murdered a 16 year old hooker, and they blew him away. Fox has a love interest in the Big Apple, Charlene Francique, who is still hooking for a living. Van Dien thinks he has something going with New Orleans police detective Catherine Oxenberg, who has followed them to New York.

The film kicks into high gear when they start their third debtor, a stock broker into the boss for $240K in glambling debts. There was topless action from numerous unidentified strippers in two strip bars, and breasts from Daniela Ferrera as girlfriend to debtor number two. The film contains enough action to hold your interest, and plenty of witty dialogue, making it work as both an actioner and a comedy. IMDb readers have it at 3.8. The only linked review at IMDb is for a different movie. I was not alone in liking this film, as evidenced by several of the IMDb comments. The buddy aspect between Van Dien and Fox was very believable, and the pace made it just what it was supposed to be, acceptable light entertainment. This is better than the IMDb score would suggest, and is probably at least a C-.
 

Daniela Ferrera
Unknowns

 

 

 

SADDAM'S FIRST DAY IN COURT The Execution Was Rescheduled For December - Wednesday in Iraq, Saddam Hussein appeared for day one of his televised trial.  He called the "so-called court" illegitimate, said he was still president of Iraq, declared himself "not guilty" of crimes against humanity, and scuffled with guards until they let him go to the bathroom without holding his arms.  His lawyer asked for an adjournment to better establish his case, and the judge granted six weeks.  The trial will resume in late November. *  ...Exactly the same way. *  If he wants to establish that Saddam Hussein is not guilty, he'd better ask for at least six years. *  This would never happen under Saddam's old courts: most of his prisoners didn't HAVE arms. CHEESEBURGER BILL PASSES The Senators Were Fried - Wednesday, the U.S. House passed the Personal Responsibility in Food Consumption Act, aka "The Cheeseburger Bill."  It bars people from suing the food industry for making them fat.  Some Democrats argued that courts are already throwing out such cases, but the bill passed by a bipartisan 300-120 vote.  However, a similar bill passed by the House last year died in the Senate. *  Probably from high cholesterol. *  They couldn't agree on a clause that also protected the recliner industry. *  When Ted Kennedy heard the Cheeseburger Bill was coming, he ducked out. *  Senators just can't support "Personal Responsibility." SCIENTOLOGISTS THREATEN SCIENTOMOGY Brooke Shields Fans - The Church of Scientology is threatening to sue a satirical New Zealand website called ScienTOMogy.info, which exposes "Tom Cruise's moronic behavior" in promoting his religion.  It features dumb Cruise quotes and a video in which he appears to electrocute Oprah.  The owners say it's non-profit, for humor only and makes no claims to be associated with Scientology.  But Scientology lawyers demanded ownership of the URL and $100,000 for trademark infringement.  They say "ScienTOMogy" is just one letter removed from Scientology, and visitors might confuse it with the real Church of Scientology. *  Because it's designed to be laughably moronic? *  You wouldn't think so, until you learn about the real Church of Scientology. *  Tom Cruise is also hopping mad. MAN CLAIMS MARRIAGE RECORD Worse, 162 Mothers-In-Law - Nedljko Ilincic, 75, of Bosnia wants a place in the Guinness Book of Records for his claim that he's been married 162 times.  He says his parents married him to a rich older woman when he was 15, but he soon divorced her.  From then on, he said he seemed to be getting married and divorced all the time, staying with each wife from a week to several years.  But he said, "I'm not ready to give up on love yet": he has two girlfriends and one ex who wants to marry him again, and "another 100 marriages would probably calm me down." *  Or kill him...same thing. *  He thinks he was married to Renee Zellweger for a few days, but he's not sure. *  Once he's in the Guinness Book of Records for the most marriages and divorces, he'll be a REAL catch! *  If this doesn't work, he'll claim the record for swallowing the most Viagra tablets. RETIREES SENT TO SEX RESORT  (CAREFUL! NOTE SUBJECT!) No Sex, Please, We're British - A group of middle-aged and retired British vacationers booked a last-minute package trip to Cancun, but were shocked to discover they'd been booked into a swingers' resort.  They complained that they were surrounded by nudity and filthy games, there was a threesome in the swimming pool, and they had "never seen people as obsessed with sex...Women were by the pool doing things with bananas, and the men had their blow-up dolls."  The tour company refused a refund until a TV consumer show ran the story with the tourists' X-rated videos. *  They could've sold those videos on DVD and made enough money to vacation forever. *  If the men had known what to expect, they NEVER would've come...with their wives. *  The ladies saw some ideas for using bananas that even Martha Stewart never heard of.  *  The guys at that resort who had to use blow-up dolls must've been serious losers. $3,000 TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB The Height Of Inconvenience - Father Anthony Sutch of Suffolk, England, decided St. Benet's Church was too gloomy and needed brighter light bulbs. But the ceiling is 40 feet high and under the European Union's "Working at Heights Directive," that's unsafe for a ladder.  It took four men three days to build scaffolding at a cost of nearly $3,000.  Asked if he could have changed the bulbs himself, Father Sutch told the Daily Mail that when he was a young monk, he climbed a ladder, two girls whistled and said what good legs he had, and "I haven't climbed up a ladder since." *  Those EU bureaucrats have taken all the fun out of being a monk. *  Q:  How many E.U. bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?  A:  Sorry, you're no longer allowed to change a light bulb. UPDATE:  LAP DANCE FELONS GO FREE More Like A Pole Dance - Prosecutors in Albuquerque, New Mexico, dropped felony charges against two 18-year-olds who ran up a $2,460 bill on their first trip to a strip club by getting 82 lap dances in a row.  Investigators found them to be "real hayseeds" and bought their excuse that they didn't know each song began a new dance and thought it was one lap dance that lasted 83 minutes.  Officials decided the dancers should have warned them how big the bill was getting, and a teenage boy with a naked stripper on his lap can't be deemed legally capable of making a rational decision. *  He can't even stop drooling. *  Besides, their parents already killed them. *  They're 18 years old: they saw nothing unusual about maintaining an erection for 83 minutes. *  The D.A. figured why put the boys in jail cells when they've already spent the last six months locked in their bathrooms? DRUNKEN WORKER SUES AND WINS Moral: Never Hire Anyone - Australian Jirra Collings Ware was a broker for OAMPS Insurance who kept coming to work drunk or not returning from lunch. He admitted he was a binge drinker, and his boss let him skip Friday afternoons and even gave him time off for therapy.  After repeated reprimands, he drunkenly urinated in a wastebasket and was finally fired. He sued, claiming he has attention deficit disorder and the company didn't do enough to accommodate his disability.  A judge agreed and ordered the company to pay him back salary, legal fees and $10,000 damages. *  That'll buy a lot of booze! *  Wow, this company just keeps getting peed on! *  They also had to name him "Employee of the Month." *  This judge must have intelligence deficit disorder. WE EAT MORE WHEN FOOD IS WITHIN REACH From The Journal "Duh" - Researchers at Weill Cornell Medical College in New York gave secretaries Hershey's Kisses for Secretary's Week, and each night, they counted the Kisses and refilled the containers.  The secretaries ate nearly twice as many when they were in clear jars on their desks than when they were in opaque jars six feet away.  The secretaries reported feeling twice as tempted by the nearby chocolate they could see. Researchers said maybe people would be more tempted to eat healthy foods like fruits or vegetables if they are closer than unhealthy foods. *  Naaaaah! *  Maybe...if it's chocolate-covered strawberries. *  Or at least we'd get more exercise walking past them to get to the chocolate. AIRLINE ORDERS FAT PEOPLE TO MOVE Jumbo Jet Set - Britannia Airways is accused of insensitivity to overweight people after the pilot on a half-empty flight from Tenerife told the flight attendant that he wasn't happy with the weight distribution for takeoff. So she went out and said she needed the eight fat people in the back to move to the front.  A 340-pound man said they looked around in embarrassment, then finally shuffled to the front. *  Would they have been less embarrassed if the plane couldn't get its tail off the ground? *  She should've just said, "People sitting closer to the kitchen will be served first!"  That would've moved 'em. *  Don't complain: an insensitive airline would've made them pay for two seats. "SIMPSONS" TRANSLATED TO ARABIC Death To The Jewish Clown! - The Arab Satellite Network MBC is bringing "The Simpsons" to the Middle East.  It will be called "Al Shamshoon," and star Omar and Badr instead of Homer and Bart.  But because the show is so American and features Christian, Jewish and Hindu characters, they can't just translate the voices.  They're also changing Homer's Duff beer to soda, deleting all references to him eating pork rinds or bacon, and editing out all piggish behavior that might offend Islam.  But he will still say, "D'oh!" *  That's ALL he will say...and then the episode is over. *  Bart will say...nothing. *  They can leave in the parts where Homer strangles Bart for talking back. *  Marge will have to wear an 8-foot-tall burqa. *  Bart's catchphrase will be "Don't have a pig, man." *  What better way to show the Middle East that American values are worth emulating than to show them the Simpsons?

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