Tuesday

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Lucia y el sexo (2001) was released in Europe, and then showed up there on video as it was being released theatrically here. The price was around $100.00 US, and it was sold out almost immediately, but some contributors from Europe gave us the first images, and someone sent me a few frames, which I created into my usual style. IT has finally been released in Spain at sell-through prices, and, I believe, is still playing theatrically here. You might remember that Seattle newspapers refused to print advertising for it, because of strong sexual content.

The IMDB summary was written by writer/director Julio Medem, and is worth quoting here. "Lucía is a young waitress in a restaurant in the centre of Madrid. After the loss of her long-time boyfriend, a writer, she seeks refuge on a quiet, secluded Mediterranean island. There, bathed in an atmosphere of fresh air and dazzling sun, Lucía begins to discover the dark corners of her past relationship, as if they were forbidden passages of a novel which the author now, from afar, allows her to read." Frankly, after watching it, that is not the summary I would have written, but may, in fact, be the correct one. The story is not told in a linear fashion, and it is difficult to figure out what is real, what is fantasy, and what is part of the novel. I believe this was intentional, and also effective.

There is no question about the nudity and sexuality in this film, Paz Vega as Lucia, Elena Anaya as a babysitter, and Diana Suárez as her mother, a porn star, all show all three Bs, including good full frontal shots. Another woman, probably a stunt double, is naked in a night underwater sex scene. It was Najwa Nimri's character, but I doubt it was her, and the scene was too dark to cap anyway. There is also plenty of male full frontal, including a closeup of Vega stroking Tristán Ulloa's erection. A shower nozzle masturbation scene from Anaya, as well as one with a dildo on a sofa while watching one of her mother's porno films sizzle.

IMDB readers have this at 7.5 of 10, clearly indicating that this is not just a soft core porno. I found myself caught up in the characters, and in the scenes, and didn't mind that I had to work to figure out what was really happening. Ebert was enthusiastic in awarding 3 stars. My only criticism of this film has to do with the decision to shoot it on digital video. The camera was simply not up to the task, especially on white sand beaches under full Mediterranean sun. Much of the film is very washed out. This has way to much nudity and sexuality for much crossover. Indeed, it is really about women's sexuality, and the consequences of that sexuality, but that is the only thing holding me to a C+. If you enjoy nudity and sexuality, and can deal with subtitles, watch this one.

9 1/2 Weeks is .... well, I'll bet you already know what it is. It's a slow-moving, sometimes irritating, sometimes pretentious collaboration between Adrian Lyne and Zalman King. But when it works, it really works. Some of the scenes are tres sexy, and Basinger was lookin' mighty good. I think the scene where they have sex in the alley, photographed on the stairs at night, the two of them outdoors in a downpour, is just about the sexiest scene I've ever seen. Tuna and I have taken a few shots at this movie, but until recently it has only been available in a crappy, grainy letterboxed transfer with no features except a crappy trailer. The new DVD does NOT have the re-mastered, anamorphically enhanced transfer we hoped for, but it does have a crappy 4:3 version in addition to the crappy letterboxed version and the crappy trailer.

So what's so fuckin' good about that? I'll tell ya - because it is not a pan 'n scan 4:3, but a full frame version of the entire 35mm negative. Therefore, while it is every bit as crappy and grainy as ever, it does have more crappy, grainy stuff on the top and bottom. That really only affects one scene - the one where Basinger dances naked on the roof. In the 4:3 version, her butt is visible right from the start (you only see the very top of it in the widescreen version), and when the camera draws back a bit, there is pretty much a full-length rear nude (which ends at the bottom of her butt in the widescreen version). Her legs are very impressive, and her butt is excellent, so it is very sexy to see her naked almost head to toe. You'll see the new stuff in the first two collages. The remaining four collages are just re-hashes of material you've seen before.

• Basinger (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Updates:

• Updated Encyclopedia volumes for Nicole Kidman, Sylvia Kristel, Nasty Kinsky
• New volumes for Rachel Ward, Barbara Alyn Woods, Catherine Weber, Peta Wilson, Amy Weber

Other crap:

• Retrocrush has all the details on the Christina video
• Dry drunk is a slang term used by members and supporters of Alcoholics Anonymous and substance abuse counselors to describe the recovering alcoholic who is no longer drinking, one who is dry, but whose thinking is still clouded, as if drunk. I never heard of this condition, but does this explain Dubya? Is it possible that we've been wrong all along? Maybe it turns out he's not stupid. He's really smart, but permanently shitfaced. Hey, that would explain the whole "nu-cul-ar" thing.
• Man stabs friend to death for mumbling. Man, I hope that guy never does a movie with Michael Parks, or that guy who played Milton in Office Space.
• Jesus tells man to close porn store. I'm not any expert on theology, but I don't remember any previous religious commandments being quite that specific. I'm glad that God is being more direct now. I hated when he spoke in parables. I guess if all religious dogma were that clear, we wouldn't need any holy men, since interpretation of God's word would be unnecessary. For example, we need rules like "Thou shalt not steal a 1965 Mustang unless it has a 351 engine and rich, white Corinthian leather upholstery." Ya don't have to be Thomas Fuckin' Aquinas to figure that out. Now, if The Big Guy would just stop using all those old-fashioned expressions like "verily I say unto thee" , or "whosoever troubleth", we might know what he really wanted from us.
• The sniper calls police. They ask him to call back later. It sure isn't like the movies, is it? Well, except Woody Allen movies
• Patrick Stewart says "I would like to make it absolutely clear that both Jean-Luc Picard and Professor Charles Xavier could kick Captain Kirk's butt". Yeah, right. Maybe in Romulan Pinochile. I'd rather put my life in Picard's hands, but, let's face it, the man is a total wuss. My analysis of the Kirk/Picard debate.
• Some mall retailers are upset about their new colleague - The Bad-Ass Coffee Company. Does Samuel L Jackson have an interest in that?
• Funny concept for a Jonathan Swiftian satire. Bush mends fences with Saddam. As an olive branch, he invites him to visit the USA and take a free guided tour of all the gas stations in Virginia.
• Stars measure their relative status by the size of their posse. Rosie O'Donnell claims to be most important star until they tell her "no, we said 'posse', with an 'o'"
• Russians go "da-da" over their own version of The Sun. Article includes semi-naked Page 3 (Stranitsa Tri) chick. Now you know the cold war is over. The editor proclaimed "now is ve reading many hilarity remarks from our komrades about  the glorious Stranitsa 3 girls, who is still being fully equal citizens here in the former vorker's paradise"
• FROM WENN:  DUNST'S SAUCY NEW ROLE. LATEST: SPIDER-MAN babe KIRSTEN DUNST's new film will shock her fans - she will go naked as a prostitute in THE CRIMSON PETAL AND THE WHITE.  The 20-year-old will also feature her involved in graphic sex acts during the 19th century drama, based on MICHEL FABER's explicit novel.  A source reports, "Kirsten has never even gone topless on-screen before. Now she'll be portraying anal sex. It's a big risk for her."  What do you want to bet she'll be a 19th century prostitute with perfect teeth, no diseases, and will perform anal sex in an inexplicit way, possibly full dressed? Having said all that, I must add that, if offered, I will accept the role of the elderly rich guy who buggers her.
  
  
   

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Runnin' home to mama, I give you VHS caps of the movie, Forbidden Zone: Alien Abduction (1996). So I know what you're thinking. With a title like that to chew on, you're thinking this had to have been a stinker; you're thinking there couldn't have been much of a plot; you're figuring it was confused and mindless, with odd photographic technique and self-conscious weirdness in place of good story telling... or a plot, even. That's what you're thinking. Well, bucko, you don't know how right you are. Watched it, capped it, thought about it while I was putting together the collages and I have no clue what the screenwriter, director, dp, best boy, key grip or caterer had in mind while they worked on this movie. Saving grace?

Well, hell, you know what that would be or I wouldn't have capped this puppy in the first place: nekkid babes. Four of 'em, including a former Hefmate.

• Pia Reyes (1, 2, 3, 4, 5), lovely Filipina, Hefmate for Nov '88, topless in a bunch of scenes, but only one of them worth a damn. Five collages. First three in a sport-humpin scene, with close-ups of Pia's attractive little frame and some close encounters between her hooties and his mouth. Two other collages cover three scenes in which Pia shows her stuff but it's not the kind of exposure my vidcap card was made for.

• Darcy De Moss (1, 2, 3), veteran B movie babe, in her own sport-humpin scene. Closeups in first two collages, ending in a wet and wild scene for collage 3.

• Meredyth Holmes (1, 2, 3) in one of two movies she made. A real cutie, in a fragile blonde sort of way. Hooties in the first two collages, followed by the mother of all upskirts, except she's in a towel. Really nice rumpus this girl has.

• Floriela Grapinni (1, 2, 3) Last babe from the Forbidden Zone, one who was not Abducted by Aliens is Floriela Grapinni. First and third collages have her swimming topless and lolling around at the edge of the pool. Second collage has her in the girl's lockerroom, scoping out Meredyth in a way that suggests she's as interested in what she sees as we would have been.

Last time we took a look at Boti Bliss in "Ted Bundy" as Ted's girlfriend who did not have a clue what an evil man he really was. She should have had a clue in this scene as he convinced her to let him tie her up while they had rough sex.A dark scene but we did the best we could with it.

• Boti Bliss (1, 2, 3)

Shifting gears we spotlight Nicollette Sheridan ("Knots Landing") in "Beverly Hills Ninja" with the late Chris Farley. No nudity from Nicollette, bur she shows us as sweet a set of gams as a leg man like me could hope to see.

• Nicollette Sheridan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

• Laetitia Casta, side breast and bum views.

• Carla Bruni, almost full frontal.

• Helena Christensen, partial frontal exposure.

• Sophie Patitz-Cordula, topless and partial rear nudity.

• Monica Bellucci, topless in #1, cleavage in #2. (1, 2)

Unknown
(1, 2)

GRANDSON'S "TOMATO PLANTS" ACTUALLY POT
Bake More Brownies, Granny! - An 82-year-old woman in La Spezia, Italy, was questioned by police about the 32 marijuana plants in her back yard garden. She told them she'd wondered why her grandson's "tomato plants" never grew tomatoes, and she'd decided that "the seeds must be rubbish." Her grandson was arrested.