Les Baigneuses (2003) -- It should have been fair warning that this French film is already available on Region 1 DVD. Information at IMDB is sketchy at best, and it stands at 5.4 with only 5 votes. The story takes place in a seedy Parisian peep show, and is mostly a slice of life film about the girls there, but, to have a central plot, they introduce the father of one of the girls, a strange, quiet man, who is on furlough from prison where he is serving a life sentence for killing his wife. He has never met his daughter, but has determined to rescue her from her life and from drug addiction, and run away with her. The daughter is played by Ann-Gisel Glass, who shows breasts and buns. Nadège Beausson-Diagne plays a girl who is fired for bringing her sister's baby to work. She shows breasts and buns. Emmanuelle Michelet plays her replacement. Her husband is out of work, and she needs the money to pay the mortgage. She also shows everything. The last main character is played by Carolkim Tran, who is the most popular of the girls because she is a mute. She shows all three Bs. I had a hard time telling if this was meant as a comedy. It was full of multiple mirror sets, odd lighting, and a lot of the nudity appeared on monitors. It is a poor letterboxed transfer, and the subtitles, which could easily have fit on the black border, were placed over the images, and could not be turned off. I have no idea how they came up with the title, which means The Bathers. D-.

Hallow's End (2003):

This is a small budget independent horror movie made in Texas. It is based around one of those Halloween Haunted Houses, and it was shot in a widescreen aspect ratio, so it seems that the director had hopes of  Halloween theatrical release. It didn't work out that way, but the film got a Halloween video release.

It is a minor film, and not many people will ever see it, but it is an illustration of how to create a pretty decent little flick with no money at all. Here's how they pulled it off: there is a haunted house in Richland Hills, in the DFW area, which is one of the biggest, if not the biggest in the world. The Boneyard. It's a popular attraction in the Autumn, but the giant warehouse lies dormant for many months of the year, so the director of this film figured that he might as well locate the film entirely in the haunted house. I'm surmising that no money changed hands, and he was able to get this perfect location, with the set already decorated suitably to start filming, for free. My guess is that the haunted house people let him use their facility in exchange for a monstrous promotional presence in the film. He delivered. Their URL www.theboneyard.com is visible throughout the movie, so the deal was sweet foe everyone. They got a full-length feature ad for their haunted house, and he got an ideal fully-decorated set cost-free.

Again, I'm just guessing at the deal, and I may be wrong. There is a director's commentary, but I didn't listen to it.

The plot is nothing very special. The college kids who run the haunted house start to fall under the spell of an ancient book of magic, and that causes each of them to turn into the character they play in the Halloween exhibition. The first hour of the film basically consists of fraternity horseplay and various romantic triangles between the college kids. Nothing supernatural happens until about an hour into the film, although there are some pretty spooky moments before that, since one of the kids is a joker, and uses the props in the house to scare the others, as well as the visitors. There was a mysterious murder of a minor character about 25 minutes in, but that was a throwaway, because 1) none of the other kids noticed he was missing! 2) even after the film ended, I still had no idea who committed that first murder, which occurred before the kids started transforming.

It's not a completely ineffective little horror flick, and most (but not all) of the actors are fine, but I'm not sure which market the director hoped to sell to. The film has no explicit gore, no very original concepts, no stars, limited production values, and basically one set. There is some T&A, but it certainly isn't enough to please the people who want a horrotica. The two sex scenes are dark, brief, and inexplicit.

Given all that, I can't see a very wide audience for the film, not even a decent-sized cult audience.

• Brandy Little. (1, 2, 3) A week ago, her name meant nothing to me, and I had never seen her in a movie. Now I have seen her in two movies within a few days. (She also played one of the detention students in Learning Curve, which was also filmed somewhere in the DFW area).
• Camille Chen. (1, 2) Too bad there wasn't some better T&A with her, because she is sexy/beautiful,  has a gorgeous body, and an even better smile.
• Amy Jo Hearron (1, 2)

OTHER CRAP:

• Electra Woman & Dyna girl gallery

• playwithyourself.co.uk - The Big Masturbation Database

• 'Peanuts' packaged in books. "In all the gushing over Peanuts' belated burial this month, you would think someone would've admitted how bad it sucked"

• Important scientific query: How do Breasts Stay Up?

• Pamela Anderson says hepatitis C may kill her in a decade

• David Gest Sues Liza Minnelli for $10M, as compensation for the neurological damage and headaches she caused him. Hey, I want a piece of that. I sat through The Sterile Cuckoo.

• Affleck, Schwimmer extend "celebrity poker" play, Affleck drinkin' again

• Dilbert.com - The Weasel Awards

• Whiny gasbag Bill O'Reilly whines and flatulates about being called a whiny gasbag. In related stories Dennis Miller made some smug, obscure objections to being called smug and obscure, and Michael Moore made some shallow, rhetorical objections to being called shallow and rhetorical.

• England appoints Johnny Depp to Ministry of Silly Walks

• Alternate script to Kill Bill!

• Letterman mocks Schwarzenegger, but Arnold is a girly man, afraid to face Letterman's sardonic questions, preferring to deal with his personal designated suck-up, Jay Leno

• Jesus's Top Pickup Lines

• The mystery of what happened to $1.5 million in cash missing since a 1995 armored car robbery was solved over the weekend in a swamp. They used it to buy an alligator farm? Nah. Police said the money was just a hunk of goo, and was worthless, much like Canadian currency. (And, now that I think about it, Canadian cigarettes as well)

• Mindless Crap - More Budweiser Real American Heroes and Real Men of Genius

• If you think our legal system is just so much jerking off, you should see what it's like in France

• California comic eyed for Senate - can comedian Dennis Miller unseat Democratic Sen. Barbara Boxer? If he chopped off any more democratic heads, we'd have to call him Robespierre. He'll make Boxer scurry around like a dancing cigarette pack girl in a room full of horny chain smokers. If his aspirations were any more melodramatic, Gaston Leroux would have written a story about them. Insert more obscure references here.

• Runnin' With the Pack - the inside scoop on flash mobs

• url says it all DialAnOrgasm.com

• Will T4 star The Rock?

• this site is FULL OF SHAT BillShat, to be precise.

• 10 ways to improve professional hockey

• Ginger Lynn feels that her role as a retired porn star in the new Fox drama Skin is the role of a lifetime – and it's probably no coincidence that the role seems to be about her lifetime.

• Stuff Online has a nice new pictorial on the former Mrs Rodman. Other galleries are linked on the right side of the page.

• Matt Damon dumps girlfriend to have more time for Ben. "Because he's worth it"

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Got a mini-update of Hefmates and Pets on the silver screen.

Boat Trip. Okay, so I thought I'd be the first to do this one, but a whole bunch of folks got the DVD movie even before it was available to us common folk and they done capped the Heffers in it. So all I could do was jam a mess of frames into a series of collages.

• We got Jami Ferrell (Miss Jan '97) topless as she sits, stands and jumps. Jami fits into the soft-and-bountiful category of Hefmates. (1, 2, 3)

• Victoria Silvstedt (Dec '96) in a bikini and in underwear. (1, 2, 3)

• Natalia Sokolova, topless in the DVD menu portion of the disk.

Then we have Shanna Moakler from Poison Ivy 3. She was Miss Dec 2001, but is also famous for being Miss USA 1995.

Shanna plays a spoiled rich bitch who is shocked, shocked mind you to wake up from a drunken stupor, lying next to Jaime Pressly. What's the deal? Wouldn't bother me. How 'bout you guys? We see Shanna in undies, including a fairly nice shot of her bum (collage 3).

• Shanna Moakler (1, 2, 3)

Today's pair of Pets includes:

• Mason Marconi as an uncredited Stripper in Showgirls.

And then... the best find of the bunch... Michelle Bauer in Chickboxer (1992). This DVD is part of a collection marketed as a re-release by the Bad Movie Police. Cute idea, but why this one? So mean bad movies to choose from... could Chickboxer be any worse? In a word: Yep. I've seen bad, but this one should be the standard by which all other bad movies are judged. Nothing works... not that anyone was really trying.

Michelle has one long scene in a revealing pink outfit... cleavage and pokies... and a movie-ending sport-humpin scene in which she shows off her robo-hooters. DVD was burned from a VHS copy so it was the dickens to work with... but its Michelle in a movie that hadn't been capped before. Worth the effort.

• Michelle Bauer (1, 2)

"Blink"
A terrific thriller from 1994 just slightly reminiscent of Audrey Hepburn's "Wait Until Dark". In this movie also, blindness of the central character is the key to the mystery.

Just recovering from surgery to restore her sight after 20 years, Madeleine Stowe can see but not clearly when she glimpses the face of a serial killer. To make matters worse, she sees mainly in next-day flashbacks, so can the police trust anything she sees? A very worthwhile movie.

• Madeleine Stowe, topless.
• Joy E Gregory, nude with breast views and a slight hint of pubes.

Maja Ottesen
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

OPRAH FOR PRESIDENT!
Besides, She'd Win - Patrick Crowe, owner of the Wonderful Waldo Car Wash in Kansas City, Missouri, has taken up a political cause: he wants to draft Oprah Winfrey to run for president. He's turned his car wash into "Draft Oprah" headquarters and festooned it with posters, dubbed a restored aquamarine 1959 Ford Skyliner "The Oprahmobile" and is driving it around to gather support, and he's giving free car washes to people who sign petitions. Crowe insists it's not a joke: he says Oprah is more successful than Ross Perot and surrounds herself with great people, which she would do in Washington.