Tuesday

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Tuna
"The English Patient"

The English Patient (1998) won 9 Oscars, including all of the major ones, grossed $78.7M in the US against a budget of $27M. It is, however. only rated 7.0 of 10 at IMDB, with men at 6.9 and women at 7.3. In other words, it is a weepy estrogen-centric tragic love story. I have tried several times, and never stayed awake through the entire 160 minutes of running time. It is beautifully photographed, but that doesn't sustain me for over 2.5 hours.

Kirstin Scott Thomas does a full frontal getting into then out of the bath, and breasts in a post sex scene. Juliette Binoch shows a breast in a brief dark sex scene. This is decidedly not my kind of film, but the nudity was worth while. I suppose it is a B-, with some appeal to those who don't usually like this kind of film.

  • Thumbnails
  • Thumbnails

  • Juliette Binoche (1, 2)
  • Kirstin Scott Thomas (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
    MOVIES:

    Auto Focus is the new movie about the life of Bob Crane, the late star of Hogan's Heroes. As the movie plays out his life, Crane was the all-American churchgoing boy with a long-term marriage and a perfect family, until fame brought him easy sex and sycophantic admirers. Then he was corrupted into an underground world of sex on film. As time went on, his career essentially disappeared, but the quest for video sex continued around the country at dinner theaters. The life he led caused some mental and physical deterioration, and caused him to get involved in a seedy side of life which ultimately led to his brutal death at the hands of a still unproven assailant.

    We whine constantly about the lack of nudity in modern films, but this film caught us up for everything we missed over the past couple of years. The first twenty minutes are just set-up, but after that there's plenty of flesh, including full frontals. Most of it is anonymous. I didn't even get it all below (the media quality wasn't good at all), but this will certainly give you the idea until the film comes to home video.

    Or go see it when it opens Friday. It is a good movie. Roger Ebert gave it the coveted four stars! I didn't think it was that good, but it is good. I discussed the movie in excruciating detail on the scoopy.com link, including the film itself, the real story of Bob Crane, all the critical reviews, a link to the trailer and I don't know what all else.

    • Maria Bello, from a fantasy sequence. I don't know that much about Bob Crane, but any guy who has sexual fantasies about Commandant Klink is OK by me.
    • The Porcelean Twinz. I guess they are real strippers playing strippers in the film.
    • Teri Geary
    • Amber Griebel
    • a zillion other chicks. Each of these is a different scene, different women. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

     

    UPDATES:

    • New volumes: Jenny Wright, Raquel Welch, Tahnee Welch, Agnieska Wagner, Lori Wagner, Tori Weigel, Paz Vega, Sophie Favier, Florence Pernel

     

    MAILBOX:

    (scoop's replies in yellow)

    Scoopy et al,

    My name is Bret and I play guitar in the band Code Sunshine.  I, like all of  the guys in my band, are huge fans of your site and your work.  I've been a loyal member for years now and it's my first stop each morning.  We've even got a link to you on our site. (www.codesunshine.com).

    My band's in a NATIONWIDE contest at JimBeamMusic.com.  Sponsored by Jim Beam and Rolling Stone, they're looking for the best unsigned rock band in the country.

    We're up on the site until Wednesday at 7PM Eastern and although we're winning, it's tough as we're from a smaller town (Sarasota, Florida) and we're going up against three bands from Chicago and one band from Detroit.

    I was writing to ask if there's anyway you could make a quick mention on your site with a link for Funhouse guys like me to go vote for us.

    Just a simple - "Help a band full of loyal Funhouse guys, Code Sunshine, by  voting for them now at www.JimBeamMusic.com" or something to that effect. If you can help us, that's great.  If we get the most votes for the month of  October we win $1000 and a chance at a trip to NYC to perform for Rolling Stone and Jim Beam!

    If you CAN'T help us, then consider this a thank you note for providing a great site.

    Sincerely,

    Bret, Guitarist
    Code Sunshine

    Easy enough request

    Here is the Jim Beam site - click here to link off and vote for our Funhouse loyalists, Code Sunshine, (and to hear a sample).


     

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    Dear Scoop,

    Thought I'd let you know that today's Wireless Flash news service says that Christina Aguilera's new CD being released today comes with a booklet of photos showing her in various states of undress ranging all the way up to total nudity.  Don't know if it's the same photo shoot that was in Rolling Stone.  You'll have to find out for yourself, since she's far too skanky for my tastes, and I wouldn't plunk down $16 for any CD by her.  I'd only pay that much for a CD if it were Jerry Jeff Walker and I knew there were NO naked photos inside.

    Pat Reeder
    The Comedy Wire 

     

    Hey, I've heard Jerry Jeff looks stunning in the buff.

     

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    Hello !
     
    This might interest Spaz and other Fun House readers. Regarding Death Wish 2 I knew there was an uncut French VHS version as I own it. Its French title is "Un justicier dans la ville 2". I never capped it because it is in Secam format and my capture card can't handle that. In the late 80's and early 90's they even aired this version on TV in France, but since then they've become too PC to do so now. For those interested the tape is still on sale at www.fnac.com (search for Bronson or justicier), but remember it is in French only and in Secam format.
    I didn't know about a DVD in Brazil however. I checked that out as well. And the film does indeed exist on DVD there but I couldn't find out whether it is the censored version or not. In any case I ordered the disk and will hopefully be able to tell you soon. You can buy it at http://somlivre.globo.com . The Brazilian title is "Desejo de matar 2". In fact it's a real bargain over there: $ 11 for Death Wish 1 & 2 together. However the disk is Region 4 and with mono sound, but it is in NTSC and English. I hope this may help Spaz and other readers.
     
    Yours faithfully,
    ICMS

     

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    Hey, Scoop.

    At least some Blockbusters have the unrated version of Y Tu Mama Tambien as well as the R-rated.

    Yes, I rented it from Blockbuster myself last Tuesday. Thanks for the reminder.

     

    OTHER CRAP:

     

     

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    A few collages of fashion model and sometime actress Tatjana Patitz. Intriguing face, terrific body. The collages come from the reprehensible movie, Rising Sun. Made at a time when the Japanese economy looked like it was going to take over the world, the movie protrays Japanese industrialists as unprincipled, rapacious and salacious. Funny how the rest of the world now feels that way about American industrialists.

    This is a classic people-must-act-stupidly-for-the-movie-go-anywhere kind of plot. Only a lot more nekkid Tatjana would make me watch it again. The exposure: boobs and bum in the first collage, boobs only in the rest.

    Number 3 is the best of the lot.

    • Tatjana Patitz (1, 2, 3, 4)

    Mr. Nude Celeb
    Getting ready for Halloween with Mr. Nude Celeb taking a look at the 70's horror classic "Carrie".
    • Amy Irving (in undies) and Nancy Allen (full frontal) (1, 2)

    • Sissy Spacek, lots of toplessness (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

    HBS
    Virginia Madsen
    (1, 2)

    		Excellent cleavage and even grabbing her boobs in scenes from "Lying In Wait" (2000).

    Miou-Miou
    (1, 2)

    		The long time star of French cinema bares breasts and some bush in scenes from "Les Valseuses" (1974).

    Jane March Toplessness in one of the many sex scenes from "Color of Night".

    Sarah Maur Thorp Topless and rear views in scenes from the obscure Anthony Perkins movie, "Edge of Sanity" aka "Dr. Jekyll et Mr. Hyde" (1989).

    María Celedonio Pokies and toplessness in the straight-to-vid flick, "Freeway II: Confessions of a Trickbaby" (1999)

    Jewel The singer, poet and actress almost showing off all of one of her impressively large breasts in a baby feeding scene from "Ride with the Devil" (1999).

    Kathleen Turner Breast exposure and holding on to a big ol' dildo in scenes from the Ken Russell movie "Crimes of Passion" (1984).

    Variety
    Hunter Tylo
    (1, 2)

    		Excellent topless 'caps by Finn of the model/actress in scenes from "The Initiation" (1984).

    Kirsten Dunst
    (1, 2)

    		Awesome collages by Hugo from "Spider-Man". Great cleavage, pokies and 'caps of Kirsten all wet.

    Véronique De Kock
    (1, 2, 3)

    		Very nice topless paparazzi shots of the Belgian TV personality and former Miss Belgium (1995).

    Kari Wuhrer
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    		A great find by Señor Skin! The long time B-movie and Fun House favorite going topless and showing off some wonderful thong views in scenes from "Spider's Web" (2001). Look for it to hit home video on November 12.

    Unknown model Breast and bum exposure from a nude model posing in an ad for the Vogue/VH-1 fashion awards.

    Carré Otis
    (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

    		Gorgeous topless scans by Marsie from the French Photo magazine, the June 1991 issue. Links 11 and 12 will be a real treat for breast men.

    Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    BRIDES FURIOUS AT MARTHA STEWART
    My Big Fat Wreaked Wedding - Martha Stewart has bigger problems then the SEC: now a bunch of angry brides are gunning for her. Just seven months after her company bought TheWeddingList.com online gift registry, she's shutting it down. There are complaints that gifts were damaged or didn't arrive, or the wrong gifts arrived, or the stores had no record of purchases. People couldn't log on and could only reach a swamped answering machine that a harried staff couldn't keep up with. One bride snapped, "This whole idea of Martha Stewart creating the perfect wedding for people has been nothing but B.S.!"

  • The feds may have to take Martha into custody, just for her own protection.
  • They want to throw something at Martha, but it's not a bouquet.
  • On the plus side, it'll save women a lot of anxiety if they learn that Martha Stewart is B.S. BEFORE they get married.
  • If you think this is bad, you should try Martha's online stock brokerage.


    DOGS PREFER BACH TO BRITNEY OR METALLICA
    Did They Like Snoop Dogg? - Researchers at Queen's University in Belfast, Ireland, conducted the first study of the effects of music on dogs. They found that heavy metal music made dogs howl and act restless, while classical music calmed them down. They especially seemed to like Bach. Pop music such as Britney Spears had no obvious effect on the dogs' behavior.

  • Except for the hound dogs...They started licking themselves.
  • But when they played Christina Aguilera, the bitches went into heat.
  • The sheepdogs really liked longhair music.
  • Dogs did like Yoko Ono, because she sounds like a cat being strangled.


    NOVEL IDEA: WRITE A BAD NOVEL IN A MONTH
    Literary Equivalent Of A Mail Order Diploma - America is filled with people who think they can write a novel, and next month, they have a chance to prove it. Oakland, California, writer Chris Baty is promoting November as "National Novel Writing Month." You can sign up through his website, www.NaNoWriMo.com, to write a novel of at least 50,000 words before December 1. Baty says the words will be counted automatically, so he promises that no human will read your novel to see how awful it is, but afterwards, you can call yourself a "novelist" and socialize with other "novelists."

  • Someone call Ethan Hawke!
  • This is exactly the same lifestyle that real novelists enjoy.
  • If you want to write a novel that no one will read, just send it to a publisher.
  • In fact, he can guarantee that no one will EVER read it!
  • Question: Can you duplicate some of the words, or do all 50,000 have to be different?


    KYLIE'S FAKE PANTIES ARE NOTHING TO SNIFF AT
    Can't Get You Out Of My Pants - Kylie Minogue is angry that two Labor Party politicians in Australia auctioned framed panties autographed by her at a fundraiser. She said she knew nothing of the items, and the sellers admitted they were just from her lingerie line and she had never worn them. She offered to give the buyers authentic signed photos instead.

  • Okay, but only if it's a photo of her wearing nothing but panties.
  • That's not good enough: one of the buyers was Tom Jones.
  • Could she at least wear the photos IN her panties for awhile?


    • Mail Bag
    Subject: Y Tu Mama Tambien Correction!

    Hey Scoops,

    The fella who said that Blockbuster only has the R-Rated version was, surprisingly enough, incorrect. Perhaps they only have the rated version in some areas of the country or even at certain specific stores, but my local BB has BOTH versions on VHS and DVD. The boxes are very similar, so it would be easy to miss one or two unrated copies amongst several R-Rated versions. (My local store does have more of the rated version, but they have a few unrated copies as well.)

    This surprised the hell out of me, because of Blockbuster's old 'we only carry R-Rated rilms' rule, but I did some checking and found unrated versions of films like Romance lurking about in this same store. (VHS only on that one, but still.)

    So, all is not lost. In fact, I plan on checking out one of those unrated Y Tu Mama Tambien copies this week, based on the quality of the caps in the Funhouse. :)

    -K