Spider Babe (2003) day two. Tonight, we have another flood of nudity from this Spiderman spoof, including:

Darian Caine, as Mundae's best friend/roomie. Darian shows everything.

Chesley Hampshire, as the Bungwhole reporter shows everything.

C. J. DiMarsico, as a Mundae fantasy girl, is naked, but all we see are her breasts.

Julian Wells, as a scientist and Caine's sister shows everything. She also becomes Spider Babe's nemesis.

Kelly Summers, as Wells "over paid eye candy" shows all three Bs.

Shelby Taylor, as the bee woman, shows everything

Tiffiny Sinclaire, as a mugging victim, briefly flashes her breasts.

It is very nice to see Surrender Cinema return to form with this new release. This is a clear C, with everything you watch a Misty Mundae film for.

Updates

• Charlie's French Cinema Nudity site is updated. Be sure to check out his new caps of Leonor Varela, the beautiful Chilean actress who is known in that States from playing Cleopatra in that movie with Dalton as Caesar and Zane as Antony

Wide Sargasso Sea (1993):

In our various discussions over the years, we have established an objective chick-flick measurement from the demographic breakdowns at IMDb. We subtract the male score from the female score. A chick-flick is one in which the average score awarded by females is at least one full point higher than the score awarded by males. One point may not sound like much, but even at the modest level of a one point difference, films exhibit some serious estrogen levels, as evidenced by the fact that Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood, for example, scores +1.1 on this scale, while Beaches scores +1.4. This is a tough enough standard that Gone With The Wind does not even qualify as a chick-flick, with a score of "only" +0.7. As far as we had previously known, the all-time estrogen champion was Dirty Dancing, with 1.9, and that movie has such mystical power that many women will perform oral sex for hours on a man merely because he is willing to acknowledge (insincerely of course, but don't tell any women) that Dirty Dancing doesn't totally suck.

Wide Sargasso Sea scores 2.6.

How could it be otherwise? It is a prequel to Jane Eyre, which is the Dirty Dancing of novels. Wide Sargasso Sea reveals the story left previously unrevealed by Charlotte Bronte in Jane Eyre, the details of the first marriage of the dark, mysterious Mr Rochester to a woman in the Caribbean who eventually became the madwoman in his attic in England. Jean Rhys wrote the novel, and she was supremely qualified, not only because of her literary ability, but also because she grew up in the Caribbean island of Dominica, knew the setting, and understood the relationships between the races on those islands, having often been the only white child in a playground filled with dark faces. Fulfilling the expectations of a good ersatz 19th century romantic novel set in the Caribbean (Caribbean Gothic?), it includes plenty of obeah magic and colorful patois, as well as a variety of characters who are mad, drunk, horny, racist, corrupt, or any combination thereof.

Ms Rhys is a bit of a romantic mystery herself. She published a few respected but obscure novels and short stories in the late 1920s and 1930's, when she was already in her forties, then disappeared from view for twenty years, until the BBC dramatized one of her works as a radio play in 1958. The popularity of the show sparked a renewed interest in her writing, so she sat down and worked for eight years on a new novel, Wide Sargasso Sea. This story was finally published in 1966, at which point she hadn't published anything meaningful in a quarter of a century and was almost as old as the universe itself. (She was 76, to be slightly more precise.)

I found the whole movie pointless and boring as all get-out, and beautiful Karina Lombard couldn't act her way out of a Keanu Reeves lunchbox. To make matters worse, Karina was cast as a Welsh/Irish/French woman when she's obviously from Polynesian, Native American, or Southeast Asian stock. I kept expecting them to work that into the plot somewhere, perhaps in the revelation of some family secret. At the very least, I expected somebody else in the cast to ask why that pretty Cambodian woman was claiming to be Welsh. Nothing like that ever happened. Odd.

It's a guys-with-loose-blouses flick. No gettin' around it. But there is some good news for us guys:

1. you don't have to go back and read or re-read Jane Eyre. This story stands alone. That's a big plus. Scientific studies have shown that most men would willingly give up a wild threesome with Kelly LeBrock and Jessica Alba if they can just avoid reading Jane Eyre.
2. there's sex, nudity, and then more sex and nudity, all directed by John Duigan, a celebrity nudity hall-of-famer. Duigan is the same guy who directed Sirens, the Citizen Kane of celebrity nudity, and the Sirens cinematographer, Geoff Burton, also worked on this film.

How the others saw it:

• General critical consensus: a wide diversity of opinions. Ebert hailed it as a near masterpiece with a score of 3.5/4, Berardinelli deemed it mediocre at 2/4. Rotten Tomatoes says the reviews were 57% positive.
• IMDB summary. IMDb voters score it 5.1/10 (Men 4.9, Women 7.5)
• A failure. USA box office receipts: $1.6 million. It went into theaters rated NC-17, thereby reducing distribution and attendance to minimal levels.

The DVD? I was a bit disappointed. It has no features at all, and it provides a rather dark transfer of the gorgeous Duigan/Burton cinematography. Since there's no other reason to watch the sumbitch unless you have a vagina, or at least some Kenny G albums, I have to say that it could have been better, even though it is acceptable. This movie deserved better than an acceptable transfer.

• Lombard thumbnails
• Karina Lombard (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
• King thumbnails
• Rowena King (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

OTHER CRAP:

• Have you picked out your casket yet? If not, I think you may want to see this: The Kiss Kasket. "This is the ultimate KISSŪ collectible, " said Gene Simmons. "I love livin', but this makes the alternative look pretty damn good." Hell, I don't want a casket from someone who loves livin'. That's like buying a Walter Payton autographed baseball. Caskets are about death. I want one from someone who loves dyin'. Give me the Jim Morrison model.

• Funniest line of the day comes from Utah law enforcement - "The sheriff's office is asking restaurant workers to keep in mind that police would never ask fellow employees to search one another, and also would not call collect from pay phones" They wouldn't? Geez. I could save a lot of money by living in Utah. The Texas police are always calling collect, and those charges really mount up.

• French police are investigating fridge-loads of moldy duck, rotting seafood and mite-infested fish Apparently, someone was planning to market those in France as air-fresheners.

• The art of cachongas, bazongas, kajoobies, babaloos, blouse bunnies and shirt puppies. Amazingly, that is the actual headline - more amazingly, it's in a Japanese newspaper.

• A supermarket tabloid is outing the 19-year-old woman who has accused NBA superstar Kobe Bryant of rape, splashing her name and a provocative photo on its front page - and sparking outrage from rape victims and advocates. The Globe has her name in gigantic type on the front cover.

• The Darwin Awards - honoring those who improve our gene pool... by removing themselves from it.

• Build a Honda Element out of Legos. Beautiful little commercial directed by Sophie Coppola's brother Roman. Come to think of it, I think his dad may be a filmmaker as well.

• A new STAR TREK film with Captain Kirk?

• URL says it all BringBackKirk.com

• ::Differences:: Identify subtle differences between two images

• The Metrosexual Quiz - How Metrosexual are you?

• George Steinbrenner arrived at the Yankees' minor-league complex in Tampa yesterday at 9 a.m. and fired the first low-level staffer who came in the door

• The Sun catches chicks with large busts and small blouses

• LIZ HURLEY was snubbed at a charity auction when NO ONE bid for lunch with her. Liz had hoped to raise money for New York firemen. One guest said: "There was not a peep. It was embarrassing. "

• I'm not sure what the set-up is, but the punch line is "44 dwarves and an elephant" (Carnak says: "Name the complete cast of an Ingmar Bergman dream sequence")

• Gator is changing their name, and suing anyone who calls them spyware. They insist that the correct term is "crapware".

• Where is the third best nude beach in the world? How about Wisconsin? Interestingly, numbers one and two are in Uzbekistan.

• Will J.Lo strip off for her next flick? Frankly, I doubt it. I would not, if I were J-Lo. What does she have to gain?

• Red Sox place Manny Ramirez on waivers. Nobody is expected to claim his $100 million contract.

• This play may or may not be legal. The location of the theater is a secret. In order to attend, people have to hang out on a Brooklyn street corner, where they are met by volunteers who walk them to another street corner, where they are met by another volunteer and escorted blindfolded to the theater.

• Centenarian Couple Celebrates 82nd anniversary, have 260 descendants.

• World Series Champ Florida Marlins May Become Miami Marlins

• What's Special About This Number?

• As colorful new $20 bills circulate around the nation, more consumers are finding out that the notes do not work on automated payment machines.

• The lamest, most obvious costumes your lamest friends will wear for Halloween this year

• Tricycle-riding gunman tries to hijack car. I wondered what had happened to Pauly Shore.

   

• French actress Mathilda May showing some very lovely breast exposure in scenes from "La Teta y la luna" aka "The Tit and the Moon" (1995).

• Leonor Watling, the Spanish actress topless and full frontal in scenes from "Son de mar" (2001).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Julie Brown. Funny woman. And in her prime, circa 1980, she owned a really, really impressive form. We're talkin' nice rack and killer bum. She did this scene in "Bloody Birthday" which elevated that implausible piece of wasted time into a cinematic achievement of the first order. Boobs and hum, that's what we be talking about. Long scene, shot in part as though a couple of horny, soon-to-be-homicidal prepubescent adolescent types had just paid a quarter to watch her undress, dance around and then redress. Quite a bargain. I, myself, paid $8.50 to see the very same thing on DVD. The value of truly seeing it live and in person? Priceless.

Tuna did this one up real good a couple of weeks ago; onliest thing different I've done is stitch together fifty-eight frames into eight handy dandy collages. And what fun I had doing it, too.

• Julie Brown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

There is a second topless babe in Bloody Birthday. Her name is Sylvia Wright. I first saw Sylvia in a movie called Sizzle Beach, which sorta had Kevin Costner in it... and that fact was prominently displayed on the boxes of the videotapes in the days when common knowledge held that Mr. Costner could do no wrong.

Anyway, Sylvia played a topless babe in Sizzle Beach, too. And as I watched her go from playing a bimbo who was paying no attention to some fat dude, to a bimbo who actually believed the fat dude when he said he was a movie producer, I thought to myself, "Self, this woman has a couple of big careers in front of her." The movie roles were certain to be many. But, alas, it was not to be, mon cheri. Sylvia faded from view after Bloody Birthday, perhaps to pursue her real dream of one day proving Fermat's Last Theorem. I hear someone else beat her to it.

• Sylvia Wright (1, 2)

"Final Examination"
This 2003 movie starts out as the typical T&A B-movie that it mostly is, but in the last few minutes it grows a brain.

Four sorority sisters gather for a five-year reunion and start dieing at the hands of a revengeful serial killer. Plenty of time for lots of nudity and dumb script and acting, with the most surprising feature that Kari Wuhrer did NOT get naked. :-)

The only other real surprise through most of the movie was a pretty cool car chase in the beginning.

Then suddenly in the last few minutes, a real plot emerges, and is capped by a really surprise ending that is quite good. All-in-all, I've seen a lot worse.

• Amy Lindsay, breasts and bum in a shower scene.
• Belinda Gavin, topless
• Debbie Rochon, showing off some robo-hooters.
• Kalau Iwaoka, also topless.
• Kari Wuhrer bikini 'caps only. Looks like the nudity days may be over for Kari.
• Kim Maddox, toplessness.

• 10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
• 9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
• 8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
• 7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.
• 6. People say, "Great Keith Richard's mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
• 5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
• 4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
• 3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
• 2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
• 1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.

KID SUSPENDED FOR WAR DOODLE
He's Just A Yankee Doodler Boy - Scott Switzer, 14, of Colts Neck, New Jersey, was suspended from school for five days for drawing a stick figure of a U.S. Marine blowing away a Taliban fighter on his computer. A teacher saw it and reported him, and school officials called it "highly inappropriate" and "not the work of a normal mind." But Switzer, whose father and stepfather are both serving in the military in the Middle East, said he thought the doodle was patriotic; and he's not a bully, he's the class clown.