Deadline is a Canadian thriller set in Chicago. IMDb calls it a horror film, and has named it Press Run.

Newspaper editor Patrick Bergin has just published a front page spread accusing a rich an powerful man of corruption. Unfortunately, the man has just purchased the paper. He is fired, and later than night is lured to the owner's house by Annie Dufresne, and framed for big-shot's murder. Despite one of the two detectives assigned to the case being his friend, he is assumed to be guilty, and escapes from the lock-up ward of the hospital with a petty crook. Now on the run, he must find the girl, figure out whodunit, and all while avoiding the police and the professional hit man out to silence him.

Dufresne shows breasts and buns in a motel room. IMDb readers have this at 3.7, and I am not sure why it is so low. Of course, it only has 50 votes, but I would place it in the 5.5 region as a rather undistinguished but marginally competent thriller. This is a C-. Genre lovers will probably not hit the fast forward.

 

Annie Dufresne

Henry's Night In.  (1969):

Henry's Night In stars Forman Shane as a mousy man who is having impotency problems since his mother died. Every time he is in the saddle, he imagines his dead mother disapproving, and goes limp. His overbearing wife, Barbara Kline, is not the type to cut him any slack. He tells a shrink, who advises him to have several affairs to drown out his mother's puritanical memories.

He finally has some luck, finding the invisible man's diary in a trunk he buys at auction. With the formula, all he has to do is sneeze to become invisible. This lets him have easy access to both Phyllis Stangel and Mary Bauer, two neighbors who mistake Henry for their respective boyfriends. After treating his wife's friends to some invisible mice, causing them to pull of their clothes at a get acquainted party for a new neighbor, he is found out.

IMDb has no score as of yet. Barbara Kline, Phyllis Stangel and Mary Bauer all do lengthy full frontal and rear nudity. The basic story structure reminds me of the work of Thorne Smith (1892-1934) (Topper, the Passionate Witch, Turnabout, Night Life of the Gods, The Glorious Pool), who wrote humorous sexy stories. In most of them, a man somehow oppressed or brilliant but preoccupied gains some special power, which sets up lots of room for humor, and more than a little sex. My love of this author could explain part of the appeal the film had for me. As in all the Thorne Smith stories, I found myself rooting for Henry, and rejoicing at his every victory. This is a gem, as are all of the Thorne Smith books. Fortunately, you won't have to sell the farm to buy it, as you would with Smith's rarer books. It is the companion film to The Girl from S.I.N on the recent Something Weird Video release. If an exploitation film ever had crossover appeal, this is the one. Unless you detest screen nudity, which is unlikely among our readership, you will probably find this entertaining. B-.

Barbara Kline
Phillis Stangel
Mary Bauer

Internet killed the newspaper stars. It's amazing that newspapers have not fallen faster.

BUSH SUPPORTED BY IRON MIKE AND FIDDY
Notorious B.U.S.H. - President Bush picked up two unlikely defenders this week.  Gangsta rapper 50 Cent said he doesn't know where Kanye West got the idea that New Orleans was flooded because Bush doesn't like black people, since the hurricane was an act of God and no man could've prevented it. Also, Mike Tyson told Jimmy Kimmel that he likes Bush and is more of a Republican than a Democrat; but mostly because he has no money left, and Republicans throw better parties.


*  Every time Democrats accuse Bush of defending the gun industry, rappers like him more.



HOOKERS NEARLY SANK WWII 
Talk About "The Big Lie!" - Newly-released World War II documents from British archives revealed that Allied leaders feared the war coalition would be undone by British prostitutes.  Some U.S. soldiers complained that London hookers constantly accosted them and robbed them when they were drunk.  U.S. generals feared a VD outbreak, and Churchill worried that Germans would score a propaganda coup by portraying Britain as a decadent nation of immoral women preying on men for sex.

*  That would've been a propaganda miracle!
*  On the other hand, we won the war because the French hookers wore out the Nazis.
*  It did make for some great stories when kids asked, "What did you do in the war, daddy?'



ALBANIAN AIR FORCE FOR SALE
Blame The Soviet Flight School - Albania is scrapping its air force of Soviet MiG fighter jets.  Over the years, the MiGs never killed a single enemy, but managed to kill 35 Albanian pilots.  A general said, "If anyone wants to buy them, they are welcome."  He added that there had been some interest from Western entrepreneurs who want to turn them into theme bars.

*  That may be sort of what the pilots did.
*  They'd make a great place to drink until you crash.
*  Their house cocktail will be the Kamikaze.



ELMO KNOWS YOUR NAME
Creep-Me-Out Elmo - Mattel thinks their hottest toy this year will be another version of Elmo, the furry red Muppet from "Sesame Street," only this one's more advanced that those that danced or liked to be tickled. This one is called "Knows-Your-Name Elmo."  It has computer technology that is programmed when you buy it, so when your child unwraps it and takes it out of the box, it calls the kid by name.

*  The child then screams and screams until he passes out.
*  He also knows your address, so don't try to return him, or he'll find you.
*  "Knows-Your-Name Elmo" was chosen over its original name, "Twilight Zone Elmo."



SONS KILL MOMS EARLY
See, Mom Was Telling The Truth! - An Oxford study of women in Bangladesh found that having several sons can undermine a woman's health and shorten her life.  Sons are heavier and stress the woman's body more; plus they raise their mothers' levels of testosterone, which ages the immune system. And in less developed societies, daughters help their mothers while sons wear them out by needing constant care.

*  Less developed societies, like ours...
*  For instance, they want to be breastfed until they're 30.
*  They're just learning how to be husbands.
*  Of course, in those countries, women who have only daughters die of shame.
*  Fathers of daughters die of heart attacks when their daughters' dates show up at the door.



ESTROGEN MAKES WOMEN ATTRACTIVE
Explain Susan Sarandon: She Has No Estrogen - Researchers at the University of St. Andrews in England proved for the first time that women with higher levels of estrogen are more attractive.  Photos of 59 women were shown to men, and those with higher levels of estrogen were rated higher.  Estrogen gives a woman more feminine features, such as a smaller nose and chin, large eyes, thicker lips, and fat in the cheeks, hips and buttocks.  They believe men instinctively find these women attractive because their features announce that they are fertile.

*  And that's what every man looks for in a hot chick: one who'll get pregnant immediately.
*  But mostly because their breasts are bigger.
*  Or maybe if women looked like that, men assumed they'd had so much plastic surgery, they must be rich.



MICE SING TO ATTRACT GIRLS
It Attracts Paula Abdul - Prof. Timothy Holy of Washington University discovered that male mice sing to attract female mice.  Using ultrasound technology, he recorded the mice singing in high-pitched chirps similar to birdsongs.  He said it's not clear whether singing helps the male mouse attract females.

*  Mickey's been doing it for 70 years, and Minnie still hasn't slept with him.
*  In fact, those might be gay mice singing show tunes.
*  Singing like mice helped the Bee Gees attract a lot of females.



KIDS DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED
Girls Are Dumb! - In a BBC survey of 2,000 7-to-11-year-old children, more than a quarter said they don't want to get married because they see marriage as "pointless" and think it will lead to a life of boredom.

*  And then, puberty hits...
*  On the bright side, this shows they're actually listening to their parents.
*  They'd just prefer to have lots of meaningless sex...Possibly with R. Kelly.
*  In West Virginia, 11-year-olds don't want to get married because they don't want to be like their 13-year-old sisters.



FOR SALE ON EBAY: HOUSE WITH WIFE
House Wife - Deborah Hale of Washington Park, Colorado, has her house for sale on eBay at an opening bid of $600,000, and her hand comes with it. She couldn't find love through blind dates or the Internet, so she's offering the house, plus herself as a wife.  eBay allowed it as long as the transaction was non-binding.  Hale said she's looking for a professional, aged 40 to 60.  She's willing to sell the house without marrying, or if someone likes her but not the house, she's open to that, too.  But one neighbor said that at $600,000, any man would be crazy to pass up the deal.

*  For $600,000, you get a great house, plus someone to clean it for free!
*  Both she and the house have had an Extreme Makeover!
*  You get a solid foundation and a nice big balcony, plus the house is well-built, too.
*  It's a trap: you buy the house and marry her, then she divorces you and keeps the house.



"MR. BIG" DEFENSE 
He Just Eyeballed It - Mischa Beutling, an engineering student at McMaster University in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada, is pleading not guilty to sexually assaulting a female friend who spent the night with him after drinking at a bar, on grounds that his penis is just too big.  He gave the judge a plastic model that he claims is similar to his organ in a semi-relaxed state, measuring 8.5 inches long and 6.5 inches in girth.  He compared his to a "two-by-four," saying if he'd assaulted her, it would have caused major injuries.  The female prosecutor scoffed, "It's hardly a 2x4," and noted that Beutling had not actually measured his own penis.

*  I object!  ALL men have measured their own penises!
*  It really is a 2x4, only it's two by four inches.
*  Her cross-examination really will be an examination...He was afraid this would come up in court.
*  They also found his footprints at the crime scene, size 5-1/2.



LIFE IN PRISON FOR SYRUP THEFT
Poor Sap - Stephen Bain of Brattleboro, Vermont, has six prior felony convictions and could be branded a habitual offender.  If so, he might face life in prison because he's been convicted of stealing 75 gallons of maple syrup and selling it to a wholesaler.

*  In Vermont, stealing syrup is like stealing horses in Texas: they get a rope.
*  If he'd known his life was over anyway, he would've just drunk it and died happy.


REALITY SHOW NEWS ROUND-UP
Pick Carefully, It's A Low Budget Show - Fox is planning a holiday reality special called "Dear Santa."  The US Post Office will pick some of the most moving letters sent to Santa Claus and deliver them to the Fox Network to grant the writer's wishes.

*  This being Fox, if a kid asks for a kitten and a doll, she'll get a Pussycat Doll.
*  Unfortunately, it will take the Post Office at least three months to deliver them.
*  Do kids still write to Santa, or do they send their wish lists directly to Oprah?


Martha Stewart's Next Gig - "Fear Factor" is planning a special edition in which all the contestants will be former participants in other reality shows, including "Survivor," "The Apprentice" and "American Idol."

*  If they make Omarosa and Justin Guarini eat horse rectums, this could be the highest-rated show of the year.
*  It features their most fearsome challenge yet: listening to William Hung sing.
*  Here's my Christmas wish: "Dear Santa, Please keep this show off the air..."



SHARON OSBOUNE SLAMS MADONNA
As A Buddhist, Madonna Forgives Her - Sharon Osbourne told GQ magazine that her three nightmare dinner guests would be Mick Jagger, Bryan Ferry and Madonna.  She said she hates Madonna's Kabbalah fixation so much, "I would like to punch her.  She is so full of (BLEEP!)  She's into Kabbalah one minute, she's a Catholic the next.  She'll be a Hindu soon, no doubt."

*  I think she already was, but only for one album.
*  Heavy metal stars have religious integrity: when they become Satanists, they STAY Satanists!
*  Ozzy just hates any dinner guests who won't eat fried bat.



CHESNEY SAYS LOSING RENEE IS LIKE LOSING TV
You Had Me At The Commercial Breaks - Renee Zellweger's annulment from country singer Kenny Chesney gave him the worst pain a man can feel.  He told Life magazine that losing her was like "having someone come in and take your big-screen TV off the wall during the big game, and there's nothing you can do about it."

*  Actually, she walked out while he was watching the big game, and he didn't notice.
*  He should be glad it wasn't a divorce: he might've actually lost the TV!
*  She mistakenly thought that when he talked in sports metaphors, he was being romantic and quoting "Jerry McGuire."



MICHAEL MOORE OWNS HALLIBURTON STOCK
Liberals Were Shaken To Their Foundations - According to the new book, "Do As I Say (Not As I Do)," Michael Moore brags that he doesn't own a single share of stock, but his foundation owns tens of thousands of shares of big oil, HMOs, pharmaceuticals and even his favorite target, Haliburton.

*  So it's true: he doesn't own a SINGLE share of stock.
*  He's now camped outside his own house, waiting to ambush himself.
*  This would be like finding out that Rush Limbaugh takes drugs!

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