Neon Maniacs (1986) is a Horror/Comedy about an odd group of monsters that live inside the west tower of the Golden Gate Bridge. They kill a bunch of High School students, and the police won't believe the one that escaped. A younger girl and horror movie fanatic also manages to get a look at the monsters, and discovers that they are defenseless against water. The big climax comes during a battle of bands in the High School gym, where the weapon of choice is squirt guns.

Susan Mierisch plays the designate naked girl (remember, this is the 80s, and every movie needed at least breast exposure). She is a lover in a park, and murdered by the monsters. The monsters waited long enough for her to show her breasts. IMDb readers have this at 3.6 of 10. This relatively low budget ($1.5M) effort has surprisingly good acting, and charismatic characters. The low budget effects are also not bad. Actually, the film is too well made to score bad movie points, but the plot is a little weak for it to rate highly as a good movie. This is a high C-. If this is your genre, there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes of your time.

Delta of Venus (1995):

Scoop's notes in white:

Are you going to like this movie?

Consider these facts:

1. It is based on some stories and diaries of Anais Nin, who is most famous as one of the rare females who have made major contributions to written erotica. Her work is sexually charged, to be sure, but is also literary and ... well ... pretentious.

2. It was directed by Zalman King, whose penis belies the fact that he's essentially the Anais Nin of filmed erotica. He makes the kind of sexy films that appeal greatly to women - swirling colors, sensuous music, elaborate courtships, stolen glances, smoldering looks exchanged across crowded rooms, romantic liaisons in the fog on ancient bridges.

Even if you are still interested in the film after having read to this point, you have much better choices. This isn't the best screen adaptation of Nin's work. That would be Henry and June, directed by the very talented Phil Kaufman. Neither is this the best Zalman King contribution to couples-oriented erotica. That would be 9 1/2 Weeks, which was produced and written by ZK, but was directed by the very talented Adrian Lyne. I recommend that you watch one of those two movies. See Henry and June if you want to focus on the aesthetic aspects of lust, see 9 1/2 Weeks if you want to skip the art and focus on some more straightforward erotica that turns women on.

Except for a few good moments of eroticism (the scene with the black dude and the redhead was hot, except that his ass blocked our view of the best stuff), Delta of Venus is just plain boring, and the performers are weak.

Tuna already nailed the images for this film. He did about 100 collages plus thumbnails, and those can be found in his archives or in the back issues on November 1st, so I just cherry-picked a few images that I liked.

• Eva Duchkova
• Audie England (1, 2, 3)

OTHER CRAP:

• The *New* Adventures of Tom Cruise & Spork. What a hero/villain team they make. One is a mindless, plastic object. The other is an eating utensil.

• Oh, jeez, you missed the perfect Xmas gift for the hard-to-please person on your list: a stuffed raccoon penis. They were auctioned off on e-bay for two bucks a pop. The winning bidder bought all ten available raccoon penises.

• RollingStone.com says, "At the risk of understatement, The Matrix Revolutions sucks."

• CBS scrubs their mini-series 'The Reagans' In the words fo the Washingtom Post: "Some critics who have seen an eight- minute promo tape of the TV movie dubbed it "Nancy Dearest" because of Judy Davis's allegedly over-the-top portrayal."

• The British people pick the most memorable events of the past 50 years

• Celebrity feuds and catfights

• Muslim Man Exploits Ramadan Loophole, Gets Out of Fasting by moving to Thule, Greenland (where there is almost no daylight this time of year It's a satire, but based on this logic, Svalbard should brace itself for an influx of rich Muslims buying winter homes.

• Web-site porn attracts women by the millions. I don't know why the author is surprised that women are interested in story-themed porn. How do you think Zalman King got rich?

• Depressed workers win landmark compensation case Japanese workers were awarded compensation because their employers paid them for doing nothing, which caused them guilt and depression. In other words, to compensate for the psychological injury caused to them by getting money for doing nothing, the court awarded them more money for doing nothing. Their next step should be to go to a higher court judge and sue the lower court judge for having awarded them money for nothing, thus increasing their psychological distress.

• The Wizard of Odds - detailed instructions on how to maximize your playing odds at every possible game, plus detailed odds charts for all possibilities.

• Googlewhacking: The Search for The One True Googlewhack: Your goal: find that elusive query (two words - no quote marks) with a single, solitary result!

• Scantily-clad women using power tools

• Topless car wash planned for Memphis

• Basic primer on how to conduct a ghost hunt

• You Know it's Going to be a Bad Day When...

• Gallery of Contestants and Champions at the world moustache and beard competitions

• NBA Cheerleaders: Meet the 2003-04 Laker Girls

• The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are back to kick some serious villainous shell"

• The Neuticles testicular implants for animals appears to be real. At least they really do have a patent for it! Here is the link to the US Patent office full text for the patent listed on their site. (Thanks to an alert reader!)

• Naked Lunch, Key West's -- and perhaps the country's -- first stand-alone clothing-optional restaurant."

• Good to see Gallup studying something important for a change

• The six finalists in the Page Three Idol search

• Modern versions of classical paintings

• Doonesbury of the new millennium? The freshest, most subversive comic strip in existence is Boondocks

• Which evil dictator are you? I was Pinochet.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Jodie Foster, the multi-Oscar winning actress going topless and full frontal in scenes from the the 1994 movie "Nell".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Natassia Malthe

COP FIRED FOR DISPOSING OF BEER BY DRINKING IT
Pissed Away His Job - The Springfield, Missouri, city manager upheld the firing of a policeman who drank 70 beers confiscated from underage drinkers. The cop's attorney claimed this was not theft because officers are instructed to dispose of confiscated alcohol and "turning beer to urine is disposal."