Zapped Again (1993) is a direct to vid sequel to the Scott Baio film Zapped. A new kid on campus is rejected by the key club, and settles for the science club. There, he discovers bottles of the kinetic posers formula, and uses those powers to get his revenge. The new kid, played by Todd Eric Andrews is not actually a geek like the rest of the science club, but just a misfit. This is a film full of weak puns, loudspeaker belching, girls locker room scenes, penguin races and lame adults.

IMDB readers have this at 2.7 of 10. While I agree that it is sophomoric, trite and predictable, it is not that terrible. I think the real problem is that it is a mid 80s style teen tittly flick made five years too late. There are other films in the genre that are no worse, but are better respected. Heather Jane MacDonald shows breasts in the opening sequence, before opening credits, as the object of a dream. Several girls show breasts and or buns, or walk around in bra and panties. In two cases, the characters are identified (see unknown 21 and 22), but are cut such that these could well be butt doubles. 21 is supposedly Maria McCann and 22 is Karen Black's character.

Female lead Kelli Williams, science club nerd, is adorable, but shows no skin (and now she is the star of "The "Practice"). This film is total silliness, but is nicely photographed, and has pretty good pace. If you like the genre and are in the mood for mindless entertainment, you might find it entertaining. I did. C-.

Free Enterprise (1998):

Yesterday I saw a crappy movie with Audie England, so I figured it was about time to go back and watch the one good movie in which she has a starring role.

Most indy movies which fail financially deserve to, because whether good or bad, they knew all along that they were going for a miniscule, elite audience. Once in a while, however, one of us runs into an enjoyable little movie which nobody has seen, and we think - if they could have reached out to find their audience and to let them know what they had to offer, they would have had a hit. This is such a movie.

A couple of Star Trek geeks grow up, and try to become adults, but not very well-rounded ones. They're both in the movie industry, as they once dreamed, but the details didn't match the dreams very precisely. One of them is directing and editing cheesy softcore exploitation films ala Fred Olen Ray, and the other is pitching slasher movies like Brady Killers, which involves the Brady Bunch and is pretty much what you'd expect.

The story is advanced by their new friendship with Bill Shatner, played by ... well, by Bill Shatner of course. It is a funny romantic comedy, to the extent that a romantic comedy can feature 30 year old hobbledehoys who still buy themselves action figures at Toys R Us. I mean these guys make Kevin Smith and his friends seem to be as mature and emotionally evolved as Oprah. Because of its unique selection of fanboys as romantic leads, Free Enterprise could have pretty broad appeal to those who would be predisposed to like romantic comedies, and to those who would normally be predisposed to sneer at romantic comedies (fanboys). Think of it as a more sophisticated version of Mallrats - Mallrats meets Swingers. Just about everyone who has seen it has enjoyed it. All twenty of us. The snooty BBC gave it four stars, and Rotten Tomatoes estimates that it received 85% positive reviews.

Never let it be said that Shatner has no sense of humor. He portrays himself exactly as his enemies see him. He raps, he reads porn, he sings, he mispronounces Kenneth Branagh's name, and he can't get laid despite trying non-stop. His only current showbiz project is a musical version of Julius Caesar in which he will play all the male parts, and he's trying to get Sharon Stone for Calpurnia. At one point one of the young guys tells Shatner that a girl he fancies "couldn't possibly like you less than your co-stars did". The film treads directly on every negative perception of Bill Shatner that has ever circulated. Shatner takes all the punches, but none of them proves to be the fatal sockdologer, and the bewigged one emerges from his affectionate faux pummeling as a man far more likeable than you would ever imagine. And while he can't sing, he does a pretty good job of rapping! (Well, I'm no expert on the subject, but I think it was quite OK).

If you like the original Star Trek, this is a must-see, because the references are fast and furious, and most went way over my head. But even if you don't like Star Trek, I think you'll get a kick out of it. Logan's Run jokes, naked chicks, discussions of the philosophy of Speed Racer, Shatner's goofy self-parody, more naked chicks. It's also a great DVD filled with so much dumb stuff you'll never get to it all. What's not to like?

The writers are now working on a sequel, to be released in 2004. I'm there, dude.

• Lori Lively (first two are from the deleted scenes, third one is from the movie proper) (1, 2, 3)
• Audie England

• Stacey Rossman (deleted scenes only)

Nell (1994):

idioglossia [Gr. -  of distinct tongue], a form of dyslalia in which the person affected consistently makes substitutions in his speech sounds to such an extent that he seems to speak a language of his own.

"Idioglossia", a word I never heard before today, doesn't have the sexy ring of a blockbuster movie title, but it was the painstakingly accurate title of Mark Handley's original source material, a stage play about Nell, a "wild child" from the Great Smoky Mountains who spoke her own language. Raised by her mama in complete isolation from society for decades, she and her mother developed their own form of English. When the mother finally died, the State of North Carolina had on its hands a thirty year old woman who was incapable of communicating with the world, or understanding its ways, but who owned just about enough property to form her own state.

How does the Modern State come to grips with such a situation in a compassionate and civilized world? In this story, the courts assigned two psychologists to study the woman, to learn to communicate in her idiolect, and to make a recommendation back to the court. I think that is the way we humans would like to visualize ourselves disposing of such a case, just as we all like to envision ourselves as champions of educating our children. In the real world, teachers generally have too many students and are rarely allowed to do their jobs, while social workers have so many cases to handle that it is unlikely that two such compassionate, intelligent, high-level professionals would be assigned full-time to a single case for three months. If such a thing were possible, however, the result might turn out something like it did in this film. At least I like to think it would. Like most of us, I would like to believe that the failings of our species can be attributed more to our limited resources than to some kind of malice intrinsic to our natures.

There are many different reasons why we love people, and there are just as many reasons why we love movies - entertainment, education, emotional stimulation, thrills, and intellectual engagement, to name a few. One of the most powerful reasons is that some films have the ability to mix images and sounds and ideas in a way that penetrates into the deepest levels of our brain, transports us into a different mood, and makes us aware, if only for a short time, of the greater possibilities of humanity. We call them "feel-good" movies, often with a sneer of contempt attached, but I mean for no pejorative meaning to be attached to that term here. Nell is a 'feel-good" movie that is intended to open our eyes and allows us to see the luminous angels which can sometimes lurk inside of us.

Some critics felt that the film was false. It may have some clumsy and artificial moments, but in general the script handles an ambitious and difficult premise in a reasonable and thoughtful way. It is filled with beauty. The "wild child" turns out to be neither retarded or feral, but a perfectly capable woman who has been raised in a different culture with a different language. She turns out to have a great spiritual purity which affects those around her. The two shrinks have their weaknesses, but are also special people whose intellectual curiosity about Nell is matched by their concern for her welfare. The fourth beautiful main character is the luminescent mountain country of the Carolinas, made glorious in summer by the sun and shadows, and photographed here to look more like a dream of Eden than a mere chunk of planetary sod and water.

As an adult, Jodie Foster may be the single most inconsistent actress in film history. At her best, in Silence of the Lambs, and in The Accused, she is iconic, transcending her contemporaries, establishing a world where no other actress could be imagined in her parts. At her worst, in Backtrack for example, she is so weak, so out of touch with the role that we are embarrassed for her struggle for credibility. Nell is in her positive column, a performance better in some ways than the ones which earned her Oscars. (She was nominated for Nell, but lost to Jessica Lange in Blue Sky. I admire Ms. Lange, but that decision doesn't seem correct to me. Foster was also nominated for an Oscar for her juvenile supporting role in Taxi Driver.)

SIDEBAR: Does Jodie have the greatest gap between her best and worst work? I can't think of a way to quantify the comparison. With directors we can compare their highest rated film at IMDb to their lowest, but there is no such objective standard for performers. Jodie would certainly be a nominee, as would Robert Downey, Jr.  If I had to make a call on that question at this moment, I'd have to say the winner would be Rowan Atkinson. If you saw only the best episodes of Blackadder, you might conclude that Atkinson was the greatest comic genius since Chaplin. If you saw only the lamest episodes of Mr. Bean, you might conclude that he was the single unfunniest person in the history of humanity, possibly excepting Carrot Top, the prophet Jeremiah, Vlad the Impaler, and Donald Rumsfeld.

• Jodie Foster (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10
• Natasha Richardson (no nudity)

OTHER CRAP:

• This is a must-see picture of Beyonce in concert.

• Petra Verkaik has a freee Guest Gallery on her website

• Kimberley of Page Three Idol

• the nude (and other) photography of Marc Collins

• DALLAS MAVERICKS: 2003 - 04 Mavs Dancers Check out Diana, one of the few Latvian MBAs who is a professional cheerleader

• New York Post says, "PARIS Hilton - who has already weathered the worldwide circulation of a graphic photo of her exiting a car minus her panties - is now starring in an amateur porno, a la Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The video, shot three years ago, features the hot-blooded hotel heiress and Shannen Doherty's husband, Rick Solomon, in a variety of X-rated activities."

• Tara Reid, now 27, Vicky in the first two American Pie movies — serves up her charms in skimpy undies for the December issue of men’s magazine FHM, on sale now

• The critics conclude The Matrix Revolutions sucks: only 36% positive reviews

• The ten WORST college football teams.

• 12 Things You Probably Don't Know About U.S. Presidents

• ROCK star Bryan Adams had an affair with Princess Diana? Adams refused to deny the claims outright, simply calling them “conjecture”.

• Here's the trailer for The Missing

• Which U.S. State has the stingiest people?

• With Bin Laden Nearly in Hand, Cubs Fan Steve Bartman Gets in the Way Again

• Are you sick of inspirational and motivational speakers and seminars. The anodyne for your suffering is Despair.com, which is guaranteed to deflate and demotivate you.

• The trailer for The Punisher

• MixedFolks.com - The correct names for MixedFolks

• New York City - Fond Memories On Last Redbird Subway Car

• Weekly World News says: "THE FEDERAL government is moving quickly to protect the virtue of American womanhood from imported ass's milk, which softens the skin, improves complexion -- and turns even the most modest, God-fearing gals into sexual wildcats."

• Boris Becker has revealed for the first time how he came to father an illegitimate child in a three-minute sexual encounter in a broom cupboard while his pregnant wife was in hospital with contractions.

• Voters Will Decide on Lap Dancing in L.A.

• Find out whether you are going to hell

• Rev. Al Sharpton To Host SNL

• UrbanDictionary.com: Define Your World

• The NFL network launches tonight - NFL football 24/7/365

• AT&T faces a $780,000 fine for reaching out and touching consumers who had asked to be left alone, federal regulators said Monday.

• Jack Black of Tenacious D went on a 45-day hunger strike yesterday He lasted nearly an hour.

• Can You Be A Porn Star? is a reality porn series that brings 28 women to a house in Los Angeles County for the chance to win $100,000 and a one-year contract with an adult video distributor

• The Meatrix

• Ask the Straight Dope: Is it true every type of animal dropping has its own name?

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Irreversible"
This French thriller, a 2002 Cannes File Festival award nominee, grabs you by the guts and twists.....hard. It contains one of the most brutal rape scenes I've ever seen in films, and while it's not a pleasant film, it's amazing and very well done. Monica Bellucci did an incredible job in handling that scene, which had to be as unpleasant for her as it is for the viewer.

Even if you don't speak French, you will ignore the subtitles because you'll become so engrossed in the movie. It tells of the rape of a young woman, and the downward spiral as the woman's boyfriend and ex-boyfriend track down the rapist to enact revenge. It also contains a very unique twist which I won't spoil by revealing, but just remember, the title is "Irreversible", and so is the movie.

• Monica Bellucci

Molly Sims

Nikki Cox

Vanessa Marcil
(1, 2, 3, 4)

Assorted babes
(1, 2, 3)

Denise Richards

Shannon Elizabeth

Peet topless in "The Whole Nine Yards".
Denise Richards topless in "Wild Things".
Shannon Elizabeth topless in "American Pie".

Scoops,

2 requests that I hope someone can fill from Monday night TV. On the show "2 and 1/2 Men", Kristin Dattilo had a great shot of her ass. Also, from the WWE World, it appears that we had a tit slip from Victoria during her match. If anyone out there has these, it would be worth posting.

Thanks,

-N.

Hey Scoops,

Two Wednesday's ago on Enterprise there was a scene in which T'pol (Jolene Blalock) took off her shirt and briefly exposed her right breast from an angle behind and to the right. I was waiting to see if you or anyone else would post it. There is one frame in which it looks as if the nipple is exposed but I can't be certain because my reception was not the best.

Jr's reply...If memory serves, the episode in question was a repeat of the season premiere from back in August. Here are a few 'caps of Blalock showing some bum cleavage in #1, side breast views in 2-3, and holding her boobs in #4.

From Today's NY Post Page Six:

PARIS' SEX ROMP CAUGHT ON VIDEO
PARIS Hilton - who has already weathered the worldwide circulation of a graphic photo of her exiting a car minus her panties - is now starring in an amateur porno, a la Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. The video, shot three years ago, features the hot-blooded hotel heiress and Shannen Doherty's husband, Rick Solomon, in a variety of X-rated activities. Doherty and Solomon split up after the tape was made, but have since reconciled. Hilton "keeps staring into the camera and trying to show her best side," said a source. "She knows she is being taped and [Solomon] keeps trying to get her into sex positions that are better for taping, if you know what I mean." An anonymous donor, who may be planning to sell the tape over the Internet, dropped off copies to media people. A rep for Hilton said: "This was something she did with Rick while they were dating, after he was no longer with Shannen, and it was something that was intended for their own personal use. This tape was never intended to be viewed by the public and it is in poor taste that someone has decided to release it."

CBS DUMPS REAGAN MINISERIES
They Won One For The Gipper - Facing charges of historical inaccuracy and liberal bias, plus an organized sponsor boycott, CBS has decided to drop its James Brolin-starring miniseries about the Reagans. It will be sold to Showtime cable.