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Caligula, the Untold Story

(Uncut version)

Tuna reviewed this film in the edited version on a 4:3 DVD mastered from a video tape and awarded it an F. The uncut German DVD is a significantly different product, which alleviates or eliminates the problems Tuna identified:

1. Tuna noted that the DVD was possibly the worst of all time. The German version almost completely eliminates the problem. I say "almost" because the uncut version was cobbled together from at least two different sources, perhaps three. Some scenes are ugly, but 80% of the scenes, perhaps more, are fine. The good scenes have not been brilliantly cleaned up like some of the old films we've reviewed, but they are presented in legitimate DVD quality, and the entire film is presented in a theatrical widescreen ratio. There is one problem with the DVD in that the fill-in portions are only available in Italian while the vast majority of the dialogue is in English, assuming you choose the English audio. (Two other choices are available.) It is distracting when the film switches from English to Italian with English subtitles, but one must understand the desire of the DVD producers to present the most complete version possible. By the way, it's kind of odd to see Caligula speak Italian in those scenes, because the actor who portrayed the mad emperor was English and obviously performed in English. Remember that Italian movies of that era were normally recorded without live sound and post-dubbed, so the actors just spoke whichever language they preferred, since all sound was added in post-production.

2. Tuna noted that the film had very little sex, gore, or nudity, and no debauchery at all. That is certainly not the case in the expanded version. The running time on the German DVD is 125 minutes in PAL format, which translates to 130 minutes in real time. That's about 25 minutes longer than the version Tuna reviewed, and all the additional material is sex and gore. Most of it consists of four long scenes before and during Caligula's big orgy. In the preliminary scenes, first the soldiers review the women who apply to be in the orgy, a process which mainly consists of lifting their skirts, then the candidates are forced to bathe naked, then one of Caligula's minions conducts a pleasure-giving class for the females who have been selected for orgy duty. The lesson includes a BJ on screen and many naked, masturbating women. In the actual orgy, just about every type of sexual act is shown on camera, including about a dozen BJs, cunnilingus, and penetration from many angles. It also has a dwarf with a hard-on, as was required in all sleazy European movies of that era. The highlight, if you want to call it that, is a plump woman masturbating a stallion on camera. The explicit acts are all performed by unnamed extras.

There is also some explicit gore. For example, we see a beheading and a guy getting a giant pike rammed up his bottom and out his chest. (The anal penetration is not shown, but the camera does not pull away until the last possible second, as the pike is just about to disappear into his anus.)

The bad news is that there isn't much additional nudity from Laura Gemser and the two other principals. Laura does have one additional sex scene with Caligula, but it is relatively inexplicit. In both of the sex scenes between Gemser and the emperor, the lion's share of the nudity consists of Caligula's butt. For such a depraved guy, he sure liked the missionary position! The good news is that the footage we do have of those women is in pretty good condition, a massive improvement from the version Tuna screened.

3.  Laura Gemser's character arc probably makes a little more sense in the longer version, given that her change of heart occurs immediately after the tender sex scene between Laura and Caligula, which seems to have been cut from the shorter version, judging from Tuna's caps. But her behavior still defies all logic.  Laura co-operates with the assassin, leads him to Caligula's bedside, allows him to raise his knife - then kills the assassin herself. Why did she change her mind? Just because Caligula threw her a good fuck? If so, why did she allow the assassin to close enough that she might not have been able to stop him? Why not just call Caligula's bodyguard when the assassin first appeared in the palace? The only explanation which will allow the viewer some peace of mind is that she was apparently intending to go through with the assassination of Caligula until the very last second, then changed her mind.  Frankly, I didn't buy it. I think the writer was just inserting a cheap plot twist and creating some artificial suspense when the audience thinks Caligula is about to get offed. The screen shows a flashing blade, and blood ... and the body falling to the ground ... but it is revealed to be the wrong guy, followed by a cut to Gemser with the bloody blade. It's not a bad scene at all, but completely inconsistent with behavior we might reasonably expect from Gemser's character.

One other item requires a passing notation. Caligula tries to pass some of his murders off on the "Christians." First of all, it is unlikely that the historical Caligula would have been aware of the sect at all. The emperor died only a few years after Christ himself, and the religion had by then gained no traction. Second, the Christian pictured in this movie was not Jewish. At the time of Caligula's reign, Paul had not yet begun preaching to the gentiles, and Christianity was still exclusively a sect of Judaism. Third, even if Caligula had become aware of the presence of the new religion, he would not have known them as Christians. That term was first used in Antioch during the great famine, which took place circa 45-48 A.D., some time after Caligula's death. (See Acts 11:26.) Our primary source of information about the lives of Caligula, Claudius and Nero comes from The Twelve Caesars, written by Suetonius. It appears that neither Caligula nor Claudius took any note of the Christians because there is no mention of them in the Suetonius work, by any name, until the reign of Nero.

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I would call this version a C on our scale, assuming that the genre is Eurotrash sex movies. If you like vintage Italian sleaze, this film has lots of sex and flesh and sadism - and doesn't look bad at all! Throw in Laura Gemser, and it's not a bad overall package.

You have to view it as a sex film. It would be an E as a costume drama. There's nothing to recommend it except the sleaze, which is why Tuna rated the other (sleaze-free) version an F, after adjusting the score further downward for the inept mastering of that particular DVD.

Ulla Luna

Fabiana Toledo

Laura Gemser

"The Hitchhiker"

(1984)

 

The always delectable Sybil Danning in an episode of the old HBO series. A sexy scene with cleavage and boob exposure.

 

 

Diplomatic Immunity

(1994)

Speaking of big boobs, from that VHS quality film clip of "Diplomatic Immunity" we have the lovely Fabiani Udenio as a tormented "Babe in Bondage.' Love those tits.