The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004) day one. This is a comedy spoof from Seduction Cinema staring Erika Smith as the only living decendent of the famous vampire hunter Van Helsings. She is a college nerd and virgin, and is tasked with a revenge killing of the dread Dracoola (Darian Caine). Dracoola asks her to recruit virgins, as she needs virgin blood to retain her youthful appearance, so Smith goes after lesbians, as the only likely virgins. There are way too many naked women for one night, so tonight we have Erikca Smith, Darian Caine, and AJ Kahn, as Smith's only friend.

Smith shows a breast, Kahn shows breasts and buns, and Caine shows all three Bs. Tomorrow night, the rest of the review, and the other naked women. I will say that I will be giving this an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Original Sin (2000):

Tuna and I discussed this movie at length. It is an operatic (sometimes laughably operatic) noir thriller with plot twist after plot twist. It is a remake of Truffaut's Missippi Mermaid. Maybe I should not say that. It is more precise to say that Original Sin, like Mississippi Mermaid,  is a film based upon Cornell Woolrich's "Waltz into Darkness". The first half of the two films is quite similar, but the films diverge there. The second half of Missippi Mermaid is a character-driven story about obsession, while the second half of Original Sin is plot-driven and wanders into some pretty loony places.

Critics hated Original Sin. It got something like 10% positive reviews. Tuna and I thought it was watchable - basically just another femme fatale potboiler with a few too many plot twists for its own good. I described it as a Pia Zadora movie with Angelina Jolie as Pia Zadora. On the other end of the spectrum, Roger Ebert thought it was a pretty cool movie, and awarded three stars.

Anyway, the reason for revisiting it is that the still captures just don't show how horny these sex scenes are. You have to see it in motion. I did make a few new collages, but what you really want to see here is movie clip #1, in which Jolie and Banderas do some mighty good fuckin', and Jolie bounces around as if she were being jackhammered.

• Angelina Jolie collages. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Angelina Jolie movies. (1, 2, 3) (zipped .wmvs) The first one is the one you want to see. The second one is the bath, which is basically a still-life with some camera movement. The third one is boring, with neither much nudity nor much else of interest.

Dawn of the Dead (2004):

These two clips from usenet indicate that our reader was right. We identified Luigia Zucaro incorrectly. (IMDb agrees) I guess Luigia is the naked woman by the car, and Kim Kerns is the boat chick.

• Luigia Zucaro clip (zipped .wmv)
• Kim Kerns (zipped .wmv)

Other Crap:

• A world rejoices as Olympic athlete Jana Pittman joins the fight to save the northern hairy-nosed wombat. As I picture these li'l critters in my imagination, I'm thinking for some reason that their spokesperson should be John Turturro. I don't actually know whether northern hairy-nosed wombats look like John Turturro, but I believe they should, and if they do not now, the last 90 of them should be given plastic surgery toward that end.
• Coming Soon has added two new clips from the new Bill Murray comedy The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou
• The nicely storyboarded trailer for Modigliani, a biopic of the great artist, focusing on his famous rivalry with Picasso. "Emotionally-charged and bathed in absinthe green, Modigliani is the decadent portrayal of this tortured genius, his debilitating addictions, and overwhelming passion. The film delivers nothing short of a deeply heartfelt tribute to the artist".
• The trailer for A Tale of Two Sisters, an Asian horror film: "Two sisters who, after spending time in a mental institution, return to the home of their father and cruel stepmother. Once there, in addition to dealing with their stepmother's obsessive and unbalanced ways, an interfering ghost also affects their recovery."
• The trailer for You I Love . "A breezy comedy of manners, set in Moscow, about three strangers from very different walks of life (a female news anchor, a male ad executive and a young man who works in the zoo). These three form a fast-evolving relationship as friends and lovers, upending tradition and responding to the craziness of daily life in modern Russia"
• The great American poets? Whitman, Sandburg, Frost, and now ... Spears. I gotta admit a Britney card will make playin' "Authors" a lot more fun.
• New 'Godfather' Sequel a Waste. Yeah, yeah, but I have to admit I'll probably read it eventually.
• Astounding and scary story. "The latest big fine by the FCC against a TV network -- a record $1.2 million against Fox for its 'sexually suggestive' Married by America -- was brought about by three complaints."
• New exhibit at Brooklyn Museum: "I Wanna to be Loved by You: Photographs of Marilyn Monroe"
• Beavers Make $70,000 Dam Out of Stolen Money. "They hadn't torn the bills up. They were still whole"
• Tennis star Kafelnikov to become a professional poker player.
• FDA Tells Pfizer to Pull 'Wild Thing' Viagra Ads
• A pill to help you lose weight and quit smoking would be amazing enough. Now scientists say the experimental drug Acomplia might also help people stop abusing drugs and alcohol.
• Rachel Hunter will play Ginger in the reality series version of Gilligan's Island
• Here is a video of Anna Nicole Smith's bizarre appearance at the American Music Awards.
• Saddam Hussein reaped over $21 billion from kickbacks and smuggling before and during the now-defunct U.N. oil-for-food program. Senator Coleman asked a very good question - how could the entire world have missed something so big?
• MVP #7 for Barry Bonds, following a year in which he broke more seemingly unbreakable barriers, amassing 232 walks and a .609 on-base percentage. Beltre and Pujols finished 2-3.
  • Bonds also hit 30 homers or more for the 13th consecutive year, a record.
  • Seven MVPs is a baseball record, but is still two behind the major sports record, held by Wayne Gretzky
• The Greatest Canadian - Games, Quizzes, Interactives
• Colin Powell resigns, Condoleezza Rice to Be Named Secretary of State.
• Hey, Hollywood, HERE'S your next sports movie. Soccer is a lot more fun when the players can use their cars. "A first-division soccer match was abandoned in Moldova after a furious club official drove his car onto the pitch and tried to run over the referee when the opposing side was awarded a penalty."
  • You have to read the story. He actually tried several times to get the ref. The best part of the story is the result: the Moldovan soccer federation (which is presumably one guy named Mikosh) fined the guy in the car a whopping thousand quid. So I guess if he had only made one pass at the ref, he could have skated in for about fifty bucks.
• Playmate Gallery - Shanna Moakler - December 2001 - Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• Four free short vids from SPICE TV
• Julia Roberts is reportedly set to stay in a hospital bed from now until she gives birth to her twins in January.
• Geoffrey Rush talks about playing Peter Sellers
• Japanese technology again dominates. Another one for your Christmas shopping list - the "girlfriend's lap" pillow.
• "'As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." H. L Mencken wrote that in 1920. He proved to be right soon thereafter when Warren Harding was elected that same year.
• When James Carville says he has egg on his face, he ain't just whistlin' Dixie, podner. 
• The trailer for After Midnight. In After Midnight, the magical Mole Antonelliana (the cavernous Museum of Cinema in Turin, Italy) is the setting and inspiration for a very unlikely love story. One fateful evening, Martino, an avid cinephile and the museum's timid night watchman, comes to the aid of Amanda, an enchanting young fast-food cook on the run from the police after dousing her overbearing boss with hot oil. Martino's dreamy kingdom of silent movie characters becomes a sanctuary for Amanda, as she awaits rescue by her devilish car-jacking boyfriend Angel. Spellbound by the museum, Amanda develops a surprising romantic connection with Martino, who until now has only found companionship in his celluloid dreams. Torn between her newfound feelings for Martino and her troubled relationship with the irresistible Angel, Amanda attempts to balance the affections of her two suitors. Misadventure and chaos ensue as the characters become embroiled in this dubious love triangle. Infused with humor, intelligence, and passion, After Midnight is a masterful homage to the silent movie era. Ferrario's daring visual choices and unconventional storytelling make for a charming celebration of love and cinema.
• The first pictures from Million Dollar Baby: "In the wake of a painful estrangement from his daughter, boxing trainer Frankie Dunn (Clint Eastwood) has been unwilling to let himself get close to anyone for a very long time - then Maggie Fitzgerald (Hilary Swank) walks into his gym. In a life of constant struggle, Maggie's gotten herself this far on raw talent, unshakable focus and a tremendous force of will. But more than anything, she wants someone to believe in her. The last thing Frankie needs is that kind of responsibility - let alone that kind of risk - but won over by Maggie's sheer determination, he begrudgingly agrees to take her on. In turns exasperating and inspiring each other, the two come to discover that they share a common spirit that transcends the pain and loss of their pasts, and they find in each other a sense of family they lost long ago. Yet, they both face a battle that will demand more heart and courage than any they've ever known."
• Ryan Reynolds Talks The Flash & Deadpool
• Kylie rules out raunchy photos
• Paris Hilton reportedly left Hugh Hefner's annual Halloween party in a big huff after claiming a party worker sexually molested her on a walk through a haunted house.
• The Federal Communications Commission has confirmed it received complaints about the uncensored broadcast of "Saving Private Ryan" last week.  
• Film Jerk presents the indispensable Early Report for this week.
• The trailer for Conspiracy of Silence: "Set in modern day Ireland, 'Conspiracy of Silence' begins with two seemingly unrelated events - the unexpected suicide of beloved and well-respected Father Frank Sweeny, and the expulsion of idealistic, young Seminary student, Daniel McLaughlin. Local investigative reporter, David Foley, aggressively pursues the two stories and begins to uncover a deadly secret that links both incidents and leads directly up to the highest ranks of the Church. His suspicions are confirmed when he receives anonymous threats and is chased by mysterious and shadowy figures. As he digs deeper he unwillingly puts his and his young family's lives in grave danger. Meanwhile, Daniel is forced to make a decision that could haunt him forever - will he return to the Church and help cover-up its lies and deceit, or will he surrender all dreams of becoming a priest and return to the beautiful girl he left behind."
• Usher shows the others to their seats at the American Music Awards
• ENTIRE AFRICAN TRIBE WORSHIPS SALMA HAYEK'S BREASTS! "Salma's chest globes are magnificent forces of nature," gushes the chieftain. "They are large and firm and perfectly formed. Whenever they appear on screen, it is almost as though they are calling to us: 'We're here. We're here for you. Take power from us. Let us be your energy force. Close your eyes and let us engulf you.' "
• Very bad news for that African tribe that worships Salma Hayek's breasts. Scientists have discovered that celebrity worshippers are harming their mental health. It is bad news for me as well. I belong to a vary rare cult which worships former baseball commissioner Bowie Kuhn. Maybe I'll be OK. He's not really a celebrity, is he?

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS
 

I'm not feeling 100% today, so here is an other short update....

Hamlet (2002)

From yesterday's Fun House I've learned that in Shakespeare's days women couldn't perform on stage, be it clothed or naked. Well they certainly can now and that's why I selected 2 clips from a 2002 German stage version of Hamlet. Isabelle Menke shows all 3 B's and Juliane Niemann lets us admire her breasts.

• Menke #1  (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Niemann #2  (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

Scoop's note: this must be the silliest Hamlet ever, but Juliane Niemann is really cute! (Menke is not so cute, but you have to watch her clip just to get the full, pretentious, arty-farty flavor of this production.)

True Woman (1999) - Part 5

Shu Qi, our True Woman, concludes this submission with a sixth and final clip. T

• Shu Qi - #6  (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

That's all for today.

Yours faithfully,

ICMS

First up from the Ghost today...

'Caps and clips of Marisol Padilla Sánchez topless in scenes from the 1999 movie "Dementia". Sánchez has several A-list credits to her name, including small roles in "Traffic", "Before Night Falls" and "L.A. Confidential". However she also recently made an appearnce in "Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights". I guess she must have had a sick puppy or something.

• Marisol Padilla Sánchez 'caps (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Marisol Padilla Sánchez zipped .wmvs (1, 2, 3)

Next up, video clips from sequel that we just could not live without..."Stripped to Kill II: Live Girls" (1989).

zipped .wmv's as usual

• Maria Ford the former Vegas showgirl turned Skinemax babe. Here she takes off her top to reveal her original equipment.

• Michael Madsen's second ex-wife Jeannine Bisignano. Here she is topless, showing a brief thong view and working the brass pole.

• Lisa Glaser, more toplessness and thong views.

• Marjean Holden, yup, even more strippin'

• Debra Lamb, the official Fire Breathing stripper you see in all of these lo-budget stripper/thrillers. In #1 she just dances. In #2 you get to see her work her magic. (1, 2)

Mira Sorvino
(1, 2)

-Hugo

• Emmanuelle Seigner (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Kristin Scott Thomas

MADONNA: TOP BRITISH JEW IN THE WORLD
She's A Quasi-British Quasi-Jew - The Forward, a New York Jewish weekly, placed Madonna at #51 on its list of America's most powerful and influential Jews, even though she's not Jewish. She was chosen for making the mystical quasi-Jewish Kabbalah "a worldwide trend." Madonna was also just inducted into the UK Music Hall of Fame, even though she's not British.