The Sexy Adventures of Van Helsing (2004) day two For completeness, here are yesterday's comments.

"This is a comedy spoof from Seduction Cinema staring Erika Smith as the only living decedent of the famous vampire hunter Van Helsing. She is a college nerd and virgin, and is tasked with a revenge killing of the dread Dracoola (Darian Caine). Dracoola asks her to recruit virgins, as she needs virgin blood to retain her youthful appearance, so Smith goes after lesbians, as the only likely virgins. There are way too many naked women for one night, so tonight we have Erikca Smith, Darian Caine, and AJ Kahn, as Smith's only friend."

One of the highlights in this masterpiece was Abraham Van Helsing's ghost, played by Bob McKay. He had me laughing out loud several times. The jokes had a certain intelligence, unlike most Seduction Cinema output. The entire film was played for laughs rather than mock passion or horror, and I applaud the decision. You have to see AJ Kahn explaining to Erika Smith what sex is, and also what carpet munching means.

Tonight, we have all four lesbians recruited as Dracoola food, and Misty Mundae and an actress I couldn't identify as two of a three woman fantasy. The lesbians were played by Andrea Davis, Jessica Abbott, Tatiana Stone, and Isadora Edison, who also played Horney the Clown in a deleted scene. All show everything, except Edison, who shows breasts ands buns.

This is too new for an IMDb score, so I am on my own here, but this was clearly the funniest Seduction Cinema release I have ever seen. As can be seen from the images, there is no shortage of nudity. This is an easy C+. IF you enjoy soft core comedy spoof, this is a must see.

Other Crap:

• Rolling Stone issues a special edition to select the 500 greatest songs of all time.
  • Hey, I didn't see Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" on that list, so I guess they mean rock-era songs.
  • They chose "Like a Rolling Stone" as #1. No kidding.
  • Reflecting the demographics of the magazine and their readership, eleven of the top twenty songs are from the 1960s! So I guess they don't really mean rock-era songs at all. They really mean THEIR-era songs. (Which, to be honest, is mine as well.)
• The former editor-in-chief of Britannica offers his insights on Wikipedia. My own thoughts: (a) Sometimes a Wikipedia article will offer twenty times the depth you might find in a print Encyclopedia, because some scholar has written volumes on a subject. (b) And sometimes Wikipedia has nothing at all worth reading (c) The accuracy is as inconsistent as the depth. You can not rely on the accuracy or the objectivity of what you are reading, so you should not use it as a sole reliable source, but only to supplement your other research. (d) Articles often get edited downward, so that today's citation is actually worse than yesterday's. (e) True scholarship is sometimes overridden by the inevitable mediocrity and conventional wisdom generated by consensus. The general rule of genius is that a genius sees what others cannot. If a genius enters tomorrow's insights, some pedantic clod(s) in a Wiki will inevitably re-edit it back until it is once again yesterday's conventional thinking.
• FCC asserts the right to control home computers. "FCC's position is that its Act gives it regulatory power over all instrumentalities, facilities, and apparatus "associated with the overall circuit of messages sent and received" via all interstate radio and wire communication."
• Maxim UK seems racier than the US version. Their 2005 Calendar includes nudity.
• Michael Moore turns his camera on the ultimate subject for exposes - Michael Moore. "Am I an asshole? I'll let you decide - unless you decide wrong."
• Another great Sawdust Tale from Silver Dollar Sam. The Hunt for the Silver Queen
• Vladdy wins American League MVP. Guerrero had a season very similar to those of Tejada, and the Two Big BoSox, but he won himself the award by carrying the team single-handedly to the post-season during crunch time. He went 14-for-30 (.467) with six homers and 11 RBIs in the last six games of the season, helping the Angels finish one game ahead of Oakland.

  Tejada probably would have won if he had still been with Oakland. Tejada plays every game every year, plays shortstop, and knocked in 150 runs, but did it for the also-ran Orioles. I guess that balances out with the other year when Tejada won the MVP although A-Rod had a better year for a crappy team.

  • Hard to quibble about Guerrero's selection. Vladdy has hit in the .330s the past three years. In the two years he stayed healthy, he led the American League in total bases once, and led the National League in total bases the other time.
  • In the all important measurement of hitting performance on the road, Guerrero was second in batting average only to the incomparable Ichiro. (And Guerrero does it with balls hit out of the infield.)
  • Guerrero is arguably the toughest hitter in baseball against left handed pitchers. He slugged .723 against portsiders, compared to a mere .586 for the fearsome Barry Bonds, who reverts to Clark Kent status against lefties. (Bonds slugs close to 1.000 against right handers.).
  • NOTE: National Leaguer Albert Pujols did slug higher than Guerrero against lefties last year.(.741)
• New York Yankees star Gary Sheffield and his wife were the targets of a blackmailer who claimed to have embarrassing sexual videotapes of her and a musician, the slugger said Tuesday
• Democrats Elect Reid as Senate Minority Leader, and she immediately exposes her left breast. Oh, THAT Reid. Heck, his boobs ain't even that good. Maybe he should call Tara's surgeon. In a related story, there are Democrats left in the Senate.
• Keanu Reeves plans to begin production on a Spike Lee crime thriller shortly. Written by James Ellroy, The Night Watchman is the story of a disgraced cop who sets out on a mission to redeem himself. Keanu Reeves in this project? Sure, that makes sense. Spike Lee? Now that's kind of a surprise.
• WIZMARK - the interactive urinal communicator.
• The R-rated trailer for Nowhere Man, which sounds like one crazy movie. (A leading indicator: one of the actors in the trailer is the head of Troma Films). "Just how bad can things get? Conrad has found a pornographic video featuring his fiance. Shocked, he calls the wedding off. But now, after an emotionally brutal week, an abused Jennifer has cut off Conrad's penis - and taken it with her for ransom! A doctor has advised Conrad that if found immediately, there is some hope for re-attachment. But where is Jennifer hiding? Vengeful and furious, Conrad blunders gun first into the underworld of her 'blue-film' past, to find her - and his missing member!"
• Eight clips from National Treasure, the Nic Cage adventure which is sort of an "Indiana Jones meets the Da Vinci code" kind of thing.
• The trailer for Spanglish: "From acclaimed multiple Oscar-winning writer/director/producer James L. Brooks comes the comedy/drama 'Spanglish' - a look at cultures colliding as a beautiful native Mexican woman Flor, the mother of an equally stunning twelve-year old girl, a golden child, becomes the housekeeper for an affluent Los Angeles family. Of all the horrifying pitfalls she worried about in this new culture, Flor had never fathomed the peril of being truly embraced by an upscale American family."
• Here are seven new clips from Oliver Stone's film about Alexander the Great. It breaks my heart that nobody is planning to make a film about his bother, Seymour the Average.
• In a surprise move, Bush Bypasses Condi, Nominates Sesame Street's Bert as Secretary of State. "The secretary of state is America's face to the world, and in Bert's pointy yellow head and orange nose, the world will see the strength, grace and decency of our country," Bush said. "At the same time, his heavy black unibrow will broadcast America's determination and force of character."
• Polanski Asks UK Lords to Let Him to Sue from Afar "Lawyers for film director Roman Polanski will ask England's highest court this week to allow him to sue for libel while avoiding the risk of being extradited to the United States for child sex offences."
• Tips from Tom Green: If you can't flog a dead horse, flog a live one.
  • "Next is penis preparation. Important aspects of washing include a confident, reassuring approach and gentle handling of the delicate tissues," McDonnell explains. "If the horse is shy or resentful of penis manipulation, we are happy to delay the procedure until subsequent sessions. Step six is accomplished by finishing last-minute preparations, and if needed, re-stimulating the stallion through close-contact teasing. Once the stallion is fully erect and ready to mount, he is encouraged to pause momentarily and then mount when signaled by the handler," says McDonnell.
  • The McDonnell quoted above had to earn a Ph.D to qualify for horse hand-jobs. I wonder if Tom Green broke any laws by doing it without earning his Doctoral Degree.
• Nobody seems to know why pictures of Kim Jong Il are being removed from public places in North Korea. Rumor is they will be replaced by advertising posters for Team America: World Police.
• Female NYC marathoner removes her shirt - nothing beneath!
• A nice archive of the "'This is SportsCenter" commercials.
• New California DMV Head Wants Tracking Devices In Cars: "Borucki supports the idea of taxing motorists for every mile they drive by placing tracking devices in their cars. The plan would replace an existing state gas tax."
  • It's a conservationist's nightmare. As opposed to simply raising fuel taxes, this plan will penalize people for owning fuel-efficient cars. The current system of fuel taxation makes people pay by the gallon, as opposed to by the mile. With the proposed system, the owner of a 40 MPG car will pay the same tax per mile as the Hummer owner. (Plus the Hummer owner will immediately benefit from cheaper gas when the state fuel tax is removed.)
• USA proposes new "mattress tag" copyright law.: "The bill would also permit people to use technology to skip objectionable content in a DVD -- like a gory or sexually explicit scene. However, under the proposed language, viewers would not be allowed to use software or devices to skip commercials or promotional announcements 'that would otherwise be performed or displayed before, during or after the performance of the motion picture,' "
  • Did you fast-forward through that commercial? Hands behind your head.
• New Mexico named America's dumbest state. Mississippi files formal protest.
• US-Canada relations have never been better, as evidenced by this article in the Toronto Star: Should Canada indict Bush?
• Techies catch Microsoft using a pirated sound file.
• Anna Nicole's speech on the award show seems like the orations of Cicero compared to this interview with her.
• Seventh seal opened! Bill O'Reilly endorses Bill Clinton to replace Colin Powell as Secretary of State!
• Playboy.com launches "Women of McDonald's" feature.: " Playboy.com debuted the 'Women of McDonald's' feature Tuesday in which six employees from the fast-food king were chosen to pose nude for the online pictorial."
• ABC apologized Tuesday for a steamy intro to 'Monday Night Football' after receiving complaints from viewers and the NFL. The spot featured a naked Nicollette Sheridan jumping into the arms of Terrell Owens.
• Jon Stewart talks to Kenneth Pollack, author of 'The Persian Puzzle,' about Iran.
• The Daily Show: Evangelicals organize a pray-in to 'derail' Senator Specter.
• "The man could not believe his ears when his dog's stomach started ringing."
• Ever wonder what a porn star's house looks like? Wonder no more. Take a tour with the queen of porn, Jenna Jameson.
• A new women's record high jump was set on a nude beach in Southern France. Here is a picture taken seconds before the record breaking jump.
• The Daily Show looks at the line for the exit at the White House
• Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are reportedly back together. Damn! I hope Rick Salomon got some good pictures before Dunst sacked him.
• More info about The Godfather Returns. That link is a good article about the author and this one is to Amazon.com, which has several reviews and is selling it for about $18.
• Playing Dead. A strange Quicktime movie from a comic troupe. (Loads much faster if you do it with a right click.)
• Weekly World News says, "It's official. Eatin' Fish Make Your Stoopid" And I think they would know.
• The trailer for BLACKBALLED: The Bobby Dukes Story. A mockumentary about the drama and action within the world of Paintball. It features some of the guys from The Daily Show, particularly Rob Corddry.
• Jessica Simpson's night watching Puppetry of the Penis. Y'know, I had all but forgotten about penis puppetry since Japanese octopus porn came along. I guess I'm fickle. Sometimes it can be healthy to re-visit the past. Maybe not this time. Now I'm just filled with regret because I'm too old to live out my dream of being a penis puppeteer. {sigh} Say, I wonder if there is a Senior Tour.
• Nearly three years after vacating its Manhattan home, $425 million later, MOMA re-opens Saturday
• What woudl the holiday be without some Light-Up Clothes and Costumes  
• The teaser trailer and some stills from Diary of a Mad Black Woman: "Filled with a mix of comedy and drama, the film is based on the immensely popular play of the same name written by Tyler Perry. The story focuses on Helen McCarter (Kimberly Elise), who has seemingly had the perfect life with husband Charles McCarter (Steve Harris). Over the years, Helen has been a faithful and loving wife, while Charles built a successful and lucrative career as a prominent Atlanta attorney. They wear the latest fashions, drive the nicest cars, have all the possessions they need, and they live on an expansive estate complete with an extravagant mansion, swimming pool, tennis court and all the trappings of wealth. However, on the eve of their 18th wedding anniversary, Helen's paradise begins to crumble as Charles announces that he wants a divorce.
• The trailer for The Sea Inside, based on a profoundly moving true story that captured the world’s attention, THE SEA INSIDE is about Spaniard Ramón Sampedro (Javier Bardem), who fought a 30-year campaign to win the right to end his life with dignity.
• How to Kill a Mockingbird, an animated book report.
• The trailer for Fear and Trembling: "a dreamy and romantic young Belgian woman arrives in Japan to begin work as a translator for the giant Yumimoto Corporation. Unfamiliar with the customs of the Japanese workplace, she commits a series of cultural missteps and is singled out as a deviant within the company hierarchy, suffering a string of demotions. The harder she tries, the more wrathful her superiors seem to become, the more unreasonable and humiliating their demands. Unable to stop her downfall, she suddenly stumbles upon her own extraordinary means of liberation."
• Cooking With Cum: Semen-based dishes everyone can enjoy!
• The company which makes Lionel Trains - a cherished piece of Americana - files for bankruptcy protection.
• Anna Nicole's "lawyer and constant companion", Howard K. Stern, says she was OK. In other news, she has a "lawyer and constant companion" named Howard Stern.
• Extraordinary Raw Video Footage From The US Military Offensive in Fallujah

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Words, pictures, and vids from ICMS
 

Iron Sister (1999)

Hi dear Scoopy !

Today we'll take a closer look at the Taiwanese movie "Iron Sister" (1999). The DVD of this film is marketed in Hong Kong as a category III (18+) erotic movie and accentuates lead actress Shu Qi's nude scene. Such slippery marketing doesn't do justice to this feature. It is not an erotic film. It is in fact a solid drama set in Manchuria during the Japanese occupation from the 1930's till 1945. The equivalent of an American R rating would be more appropriate.

Tung, a Chinese man enlisted in the Japanese Imperial Army, is at it with his girlfriend, played by Yeung Yi-ting, in the tent of a Japanese major. The major walks in on them and he isn't pleased at all. A fight ensues in which Tung kills the major in self-defense. Tung flees to the countryside and finds refuge in a remote little farm run by Ironic (Shu Qi) and her father. Ironic is very much in love with her fiancé and soulmate and they are about to be married. During a nightly raid against the Japanese her

Ironic finds herself pregnant by her dead fiancé, her dad can't run the farm anymore because of his injuries, so she has no other solution than to enter a loveless marriage with Tung. Of course she doesn't know what he did to her fiancé. When Tung later on discovers his former girlfriend working in a whorehouse to support herself, things really take an ugly turn for Ironic, her father and her little daughter Tigress.

For me this movie turned out to be a pleasant surprise. There is a clear but simple storyline without plotholes. The ingenious script takes some small details early in the movie and builds them into important details later on. Furthermore the characters are well developed and the actors put in a decent performance. Also, as opposed to many recent high budget films like Troy, there is no lack of humanity in this movie and you find yourself caring for what happens to Ironic, her father and Tigress. Of course it is no masterpiece either, think more of it like an unpolished gem that rates C in our rating system. If the storyline had been more elaborate and the camerawork above average, then I might have rated this as C+.

The DVD is an all regions NTSC disk. The audio is in DD 5.1 Cantonese and Mandarin with Chinese and English sutitles. The picture quality however suffers in some parts from scratches and dust which is very surprising for a 1999 film. It is available from www.dddhouse.com for just HK$30, so you can't really complain, can you ?

Nudity report:

- Shi Qi shows breasts and buns, there is possibly a far off full frontal glimpse, while she frolicks in the river with her fiancé near the end of clip 1.

• Shi Qi clip #1 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Shi Qi clip #2 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

- Yeung Yi-Ting shows her breasts in two scenes making love to her boyfriend Tung.

• Yeung Yi-Ting clip #1 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)
• Yeung Yi-Ting clip #2 (.wmv zipped, .avi zipped)

That's it for today.

Yours faithfully,

ICMS

Today from the Ghost...a nice variety of video clips. Zipped wmvs as usual.

• Anne Parillaud topless in a scene from the direct-to-vid flick "Shattered Image" (1998), starring William Baldwin. Most folks know the French actress best for her role as the star in the Luc Besson movie, "La Femme Nikita" (1990).

• Long time Fun House favorite and B-movie queen Kari Wuhrer briefly topless in sex scene from "Phoenix" (1998). (1, 2).

  I'm guessing "Phoenix" was probably indtended for a theatrical release, but ended up debuting on cable instead. It features a long list of famous names including: Ray Liotta, Anthony LaPaglia, Jeremy Piven, Xander Berkeley, Brittany Murphy, Tom Noonan, Anjelica Huston, Giovanni Ribisi and even a lesser Baldwin.

  Although it doesn't cover any new territory in the "good cops gone kinda bad" genre, it's well written, solidly directed and Liotta's performance as a mildly corrupt cop fighting a serious gambling addiction all make it a very entertaining watch.

• "Six Feet Under" co-star Rachel Griffiths mostly baring her bum, but also showing brief breast and pube views in this scene from "Among Giants" (1998).

• Beautiful views of Sherilyn Fenn topless in scenes from 1993's "Boxing Helena".

"Passion of the Priest"
You can shoot a movie on video (apparently), and wind up with a poor-quality DVD release that no one has heard of (not even listed in IMDB), yet still tell an excellent story with first-rate writing and acting. That's the case with this 2004 English drama.

A young man is raised by Monks, and then chooses the priesthood. After several incidents, he finds himself questioning the church and their actions. When he publishes several articles critical of the church hierarchy, he ends up banished, loses his faith entirely, and leaves the church.

He gets a job with a publication writing controversial columns, but falls in love with a flirtatious widow. When she scorns his proposal of marriage for an affair with his best friend, the ex-priest marries a former parishioner, but still loves and desires the widow, ruining the marriage.

Things spiral downward into a tragic but interesting ending in this top-notch look at a man's life in both success and failure.

• Rhona Mitra
• Paula Hamilton
• Kate Steavenson-Payne

Leigh & Lynette Harris
(1, 2)

Former model turned actress and Bond Babe ("Never Say Never Again") Barbara Carrera looks simply stunning topless and lying fully nude in bed.

Leigh & Lynette Harris co-star have bit parts as topless twins!

Robin Denise Brown
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

Lia Montelongo has a rock hard bod which she built during her career as as personal trainer and fitness pageant model. Unfortunately, her silly-cones are also rock hard. Fake'uns are just fine, but I prefer it when they don't look like someone stuffed softballs under the skin.

Robin Denise Brown is probably recognized by many as a former Pet o' the Month (April '92). Here we see her topless in all of these, with a hint of bum in #11, and plenty of fully nude teaser views.

AMEND THE CONSTITUTION FOR ARNOLD
I'll Be Bach! - A Silicon Valley-based group called "Amend For Arnold" is running cable TV ads, promoting a Constitutional amendment to let foreign-born citizens be president so that Arnold Schwarzenegger can run. The ads say, "You cannot choose the land of your birth. You can choose the land you love."