Juana la loca (2001) is a Spanish period piece about Queen Joan the Mad. It is currently playing in a few US theaters under the title Mad Love. This 1500 century Spanish costumer is at the $250K mark, and is not gaining momentum. Pilar López de Ayala plays the title character, who is shipped to Flanders for an arranged marriage to Philip the Handsome. When her parents die, she becomes queen, and Philip king. He should have been named Philip the pussyhound. When she catches him in bed with Carolina Bona. she cuts off Bona's hair, and becomes insanely jealous. Philip eventually has her declared mad, and imprisons her for life, usurping the thrown. There is also a sub-plot about Spanish racism against the Moors, when Philip has a lengthy affair with a Moorish dancer, played by Italian Manuela Arcuri.

Manuela Arcuri shows all three Bs, first through a two way mirror, and then in a sex scene with Philip. Bona shows her breasts, one at a time, applying rouge to her nipples to attract her lover. Ayela shows breasts and buns. IMDB readers have this at 6.3 of 10. It was nominated for 12 Goyas, but only won three (Costume, Actress, and Makeup). Indeed, it looks very good, but after a fairly hot and somewhat humorous start, it slowed down to shear tedium for me. Rod Armstrong at reel.com put it very well, "Shame on writer/director Vicente Aranda for making a florid biopic about mad queens, obsessive relationships, and rampant adultery so dull." Rotten Tomatoes has it at 49% positive, with 50% from the top critics. Granted, costumers are not usually my sort of film. It could have been much more, but, as is, it is a good genre effort. C.

UPDATES:

• new encyclopedia volumes for Andie MacDowell, Ali MacGraw, Jayne Mansfield, Pamela Sue Martin
• updated encyclopedia volumes for Madonna, Marilyn Monroe, Elle Macpherson

MAILBOX:

• There weren't any more male/female pics with Linnea, but some people reminded me that we should not forget her famous girl/girl session with Brinke Stevens. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Scoop - check out this Fox newscast - the announcer says nobody will give J-Lo a "blowjob ... um .. I mean block party"

OTHER CRAP:

• Harry Potter sequel has 3rd best opening weekend in history. I have to like any movie in which they say "grasp your mandrake". Hell, Harry isn't so special. I knew several guys in college who were wizards at grasping the ol' mandrake.

• What defeated the Taliban in Afghanistan? Bombs? The resolve of the northern alliance? Nope. Bribery. Dubbie bought everyone off.

• I was thinking yesterday about the European leadership having asked the USA to sign their treaty which makes free speech illegal on the internet. (Yeah, that'll happen. The strange thing is that they asked. Can you imagine that nobody in the European leadership is familiar with the U.S. Constitution? That obscure little thing.) After I wrote my line yesterday, it dawned on me that the very reason why the United States exists as a separate country is because of our belief in the absolute freedom to express ideas not approved by the European leadership!

• If we made up a list of women who should have gotten naked more, Bonnie Bedelia would be pretty close to the top. Ain't gonna happen now 'cuz Bonnie turned 56 this year. Come to think of it, she should also make the list of actresses who should have had a better career, but she did it her way, mostly away from big commercial pictures. Sensitive eyes, expressive face, excellent actress, and (as the Deltas would say) major league yabbos. Here are four of her. Mr Skin did a new one from The Gypsy Moths (1969), the next two are from The Stranger (her only real nudity) (1, 2), and the last one is her see-through bra in Needful Things. See how good she looked in Needful Things? She was already 47 years old in the film, so you can imagine how good she must have looked with her clothes off back in the day.

• The first day of Iraqi weapons inspections began on an inauspicious note today as President Saddam Hussein interrupted an inspection of a suspected bio-weapons factory by calling out, “Hey look, over there, it’s Heidi Klum!”

• The good side of bad movies - Swept Away improved the writing of movie critics, driving them to their reference books in search of new ways to say "boy, does this suck". Rolling Stone didn't even bother to head for the dictionary. They simply uttered a succinct "it blows". (Here's what I said)

• More about Afghanistan's favorite candy treats. The Top 10 favorite candies in Afghanistan:

  1. Bin Laden Balls (I didn't make this one up. Check out the link. Not the same one as yesterday.)
  2. My Sweet Warlord
  3. Gummi Beards
  4. Iraqi Packs
  5. Tali Bon-Bons
  6. Turkish Prison Taffy
  7. Power Ak Bar
  8. JewJubes
  9. Mullomars
  10. Bit O'Sama

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Natasha Henstridge, brief topless scene from one of the many Jean-Claude Van Damme, twin brother movies..."Maximum Risk".

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

"Neurotic Cabaret" (1990) is an erotic comedy written, produced and starring Tammy Stones who plays a stripper who will stop at nothing to raise money to make a movie. So what is missing? For one thing Tammy and her friends do not show any signifigant skin exposure and the only boobs are shown by some no-name "featured dancers". But if you want to see Tammy's wonderful hooters, rent "Death Ring" (1993) instead.

• Tammy Stones: keeps her top on but showing mega-cleavage and panty crotch shots. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Colleen Keegan: plays Tammy's friend, bare back only.
• Gangbang: Tammy, Colleen and another actress gangbanging a guy. Oh the horror!
• Unknowns: toplessness probably by Gervus Wright, Ange Mertens Sheffield, Brenda Byars.

Today it's back in time again to 1968 for more b&w images from another sexploitation flick of that era, this time from "The Pick-Up". We see Tracy Saunders all tied up and water poured on her naked breasts as the bad guy attaches the bare wires from an electrical cord to her tits and shocks her.

In the last two caps she is joined by Lin Harris as the are whipped by the man trying to get information from them, seems the girls took a suitcase of money from them. The weird part is in the end the 2 heroines wind up marrying their captors. Gives new meaning to the old saying of "Tough Love".

• Tracy Saunders (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)
• Tracy Saunders and Lin Harris (1, 2)

First up...

A couple of days ago a Fun House reader asked about a Bunny pictorial of Elke Sommer at age 50 that was never published. I checked it out, and it was published in the October 1991 edition of Playboy Holland. Check this link or go to www.playboy.nl

I finally found a DVD of the fourth Ilsa movie, The Tigress of Siberia (1977), the one that was never released by Anchor Bay. It's a Dutch version in English with removable Dutch subtitles and the disk is all regions PAL, widescreen enhanced. Oddly enough I didn't find it in the shops here but had to order it online from a Danish webstore that only delivers in Europe (Sazuma also carries it).

The story of this movie is by far the least incoherent of the four films. The story begins in a Gulag in the Soviet-Union, just before the death of Stalin (1953?). Ilsa (Dyanne Thorne) is in charge and has, as always, a sadistic pleasure in torturing the inmates in various ways. She also spends a great deal of time in bed having sex with her guards and drinking vodka. After each drink they smash their glasses in the fireplace, so at least there was no shortage of glasses in the Stalin era. Then Stalin dies, the new people in charge in the USSR don't need Ilsa's excesses anymore and so she has to flee the country.

Then the story makes a 24 year leap in time to 1977's Montreal. Although no-one seems to have aged 24 years, Ilsa is in charge of several high end brothels over there and she convinces the competition with her own methods to hand over their businesses to her. Then comes in one of her former inmates from back in the USSR. She is convinced this is not a coincidence, she captures him and once again tries to break his will. Unfortunately for Ilsa the man is now an important figure in the Soviet-Union and his disappearance doens't pass by unnoticed. The Russians send in their men and once again Ilsa has to flee, this time on a snowmobile. The ending is somewhat different and more original than in the 3 previous Ilsa epics.

Nudity report: Dyanne Thorne shows everything in several lenghty scenes, hence the 32 collages I did of her. Furthermore a bunch of unknown women are featured in several degrees of undress throughout the movie.

Rating: D+ (with D- for the other 3 Ilsa flicks).

I also made several vidcaps of the unknowns of "The Tigress of Siberia". They all are 1 time actresses, in a variety of nude scenes.

• Dyanne Thorne (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32)
• Unknown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26)

Rebecca Palmer