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| Tuna
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"Victory"
Victory (1995) is a tragic love story amidst intrigue set in the Dutch East Indies just prior to WW I. Willem Dafoe as Axel Heyst lives as a hermit on a small island, but hitches a ride on a sailing ship to pick up his father's effects from the port of Surabaya. He stays in a hotel owned by a racist German, who is trying to buy a girl, Irene Jacob, from an all woman band, who not only play music, but are clearly for sale or rent. Heyst agrees to save her, and takes her back to his island, but the hotel owner tells two crooks the hot rumor that Heyst killed his partner and has a huge stash of money to get even for the girl, and to get rid of the two crooks.
Meanwhile, on the island, loner Heyst and Jacob end up in love. When the two crooks arrive, it is a life and death situation. Jacob shows a breast in bed with Dafoe, and then buns and breasts in a bathing and near rape scene with one of the bad guys. IMDB readers have this at 6.3 of 10. There is little in the way of reviews, and it doesn't seem to have had a US theatrical release. While I didn't find the story especially engaging, the film was beautifully photographed, and set in some scenic tropical locations. The acting was good all round. If this is your kind of film, it is well made, but was a little long and tedious for me, even at 99 minutes. C.
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Irčne Jacob
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"The King Is Alive"
The King Is Alive (2000) is a Dogma 95 film from Kristian Levring. As for plot, a group of travelers on a bus with a broken compass end up out of gas in an abandoned German mining town in the African desert. To keep their spirits up, they decide to stage a production of King Lear. Then they get on each others nerves, and have sex. At the end, either most of them are rescued, or they are discovered dead, or something, but, as this was a Dogma 95 film with no lighting, and the ending occurred at night, I just couldn't really tell what was going on.
Jennifer Jason Leigh shows breasts in a sex scene, where she agrees to fuck someone if he will appear in the play. Ebert said, "The drama isn't too formed, the dialogue isn't tamed, the lighting and music are found on the set, the performances seem raw and improvisational," but awarded 3 stars. Rotten Tomatoes shows 52% overall, but only 31 for top critics. IMDB readers have it at 6.4 of 10. For me, it was not much of a plot to begin with, rehearsing King Lear in the midday desert sun is not my idea of a great way to beat the heat, and we learned very little about the people, or how they came to be on the bus. The amateurish look of the Dogman 95 robbed the film of any possible photographic plusses, and the lack of professional lighting made parts of the story impossible to watch. I don't care if four good-intentioned directors pledged to return to more basic film making to combat the increased emphasis on special effects, garbage is garbage, and this is a bad story very badly filmed. F.
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Jennifer Jason Leigh
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| Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)
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MOVIES:
Bride of the Wind is
the biopic of Alma Mahler. Amazingly, it is a dull movie about a woman who led
a sexy life among the most famous men of the time. Some OK flesh, though.
OTHER CRAP:
Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.
- The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded
into thinking it includes humor.
- If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant
humor, but I inexplicably determined
there might be something else of interest.
- A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or
Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
- If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.
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| Brainscan
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'Caps and comments by Brainscan:
To begin...I thought I'd send in this little bit of fun and games. I took a couple of frames from Tuna's caps of Manuela Arcuri in "Juan la Loca" and strung them together. This woman should be illegal. Probably is in most countries and at least eight states.
Moving on...parts of two continuing sagas today.
First up are a bunch more caps of Stacie Lambert in Sleepaway Camp III. It is an aborted sport-humpin scene in which Stacie gets topless and unzips her paramour, but then they get interrupted. Good thing, too, because the object of Stacie's attention is Michael J Pollard. WTF??? He was a squeaky little gnome in his prime but he musta been 60 when this thing was filmed.
No frogging way a woman who looks like Stacie would do a wombat like him, unless the script called for it. So I get annoyed and I'm thinking, as I watch this scene unfold, that someone should whomp MJ with a big stick... and sure enough the killer obliges. And he runs away like the total wuss he is, even though the assaulter is a woman half his size. And when she shoves that stick clean through him, as he screams like a girlie-boy, I'm thinking, good. Mofo deserved to die. Trouble is the girl with the stick then turns on Stacie, who is also way bigger... in many places... and I'm thinking this punishment did not fit the crime. Not at all. Bad taste is all she's guilty of. Home detention is all she earned. My home, to be exact. Punishment enough I figure.
So we got seven collages, all with marvo-hooters. Third and sixth are single frame jobs, the others comprise varied numbers of frames jammed together with varied attempts at artistry. One things for sure: I ain't Zon.
- Stacie Lambert
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And then we are down to the last babe in Model Solution, a cutie with no visible inhibitions named Holly Hollywood. With that handle you gotta figure she is not chairman of the Dept of Physics at Princeton. Yup. A pornstar is what she be.
But damn she looks familiar as I'm capping this puppy. Real familiar, so I type her name into the search engine named after a very large number and along with a list of yuckie sites, up pops a page from the Funhouse with caps done by good ol' Hankster... and he tells us that Holly also goes by the name of Stacey Leigh Mobley. Doh! Capped that honey in one of the Emmanuelle movies and thought she was right fine then. Gotta start remembering things, like what Hankster tells us.
So where was I? Oh yeah, Holly Hollywood in Model Solution. Looks great in glasses, looks better in the shower. These are the first seven of what could be hundreds of collages. Not kidding. Grabbed almost 200 frames of Holly in this and a sport-humpin scene that was more humpin than sport. Must focus.
The rundown:
(1 & 2) All-naturals as she undresses
3) Boobs and killer bum in the shower
4) Full frontal
5) Up close and personal with boobs and bum
6 & 7) Back to boobs
- Holly Hollywood
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| Hankster
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'Caps and comments by Hankster:
Today another "Babe in Peril", this time it's Marsha Jordan a real legend in sexploitation flicks in 1968's "The Head Mistress". We see the busty Marsha as she is attacked by 2 men in her bedroom. Now these 2 are pretty stupid guys as all the do is fondle her boobs and suck her toes.
- Marsha Jordan, excellent toplessness, and some rear nudity as well.
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| Spaz
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'Caps and comments by Spaz:
Crackerjack is a series of non-sequitur czechploitation action films by Funhouse favorite Lloyd Simandl.
"Crackerjack" (1994)
"Crackerjack 2" (1996) (aka "Hostage Train")
"Cracker Jack 3" (2000)
- Amy Weber: nude behind shower curtain, nothing visible.
- Daniela Krhutova: showing alot of cleavage. That's about it because this is Simandl's only PG-rated movie ("Starfire Mutiny" is R-rated but the video distributer accidently printed on the boxes that it's PG-rated. Oops...).
BONUS
- Daniela Krhutova: boobs and butt in shower in the Simandl classic "Dangerous Prey" (1995).
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| Turtle
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'Caps and comments by Turtle:
A few more original scans from a variety of Spanish magazines.
- First a small homage to the smokin' Mexican singer Paulina Rubio. Some
people simply have showbiz in their blood, and Paulina Rubio is one of
those people. Just as some of us grow up to be farmers or plumbers
because that's the family business, for Rubio, the family business was
show business--she was born in 1973 in Mexico to a Mexican actress and
became involved in entertainment herself at age 7, performing with a
teen-pop group as a dancer and singer.
In the meantime, Rubio launched her acting career, performing on the
Mexican soap opera Pasión Y Poder (Passion & Power), and later appearing
in the television series Baila Conmigo. Her big-screen debut came with
Bésame En La Boca.
But while her acting career was still going steady and strong, she kept
her musical interests alive as well: In 1992, she recorded her first
solo album, La Chica Dorada. Four more Spanish-language releases
followed between 1993 and 2000, making Rubio a notable figure on the
Latin music scene; in May 2002, she released her first English-language
album, Border Girl, which became wildly successful both in the US and in
Latin America.
She is hot as hell, and over the last 12 months she is been in the cover
of every magazine you can think of. Here are the pictures to prove it.
- Paulina Rubio
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Then we have a couple of fairly obscure pics of Salma Hayek attending movie premieres in Mexico.
- Finally, a few pics of another Latina who's made it to the big time:
the Mexican singer Pilar Montenegro. Her latest album has been number
one for 13 weeks straight on the Hot Latin Tracks Billboard. She sure is
a hot chica herself!
- Pilar Montenegro
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| Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
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Pat's comments in yellow...
FUR CRYING OUT LOUD! PETA DISRUPTS LINGERIE SHOW
That's The Only Expression She Has - Thursday in New York, filming of the
Victoria's Secret Lingerie Fashion Show was briefly interrupted when four
female protesters from PETA ran onto the runaway and accosted a
bra-and-panty-clad Giselle Bundchen. They called her "Fur scum" for
modeling fur. Bundchen never dropped her disdainful supermodel expression
as guards dragged them away, and when she strutted back down the runway for
a second take, the audience cheered her composure.
Or else the fact that they got a second look at Giselle in her underwear.
PETA women believe beavers should remain furry, and supermodels disagree.
PETA should show compassion to supermodels: they have smaller brains than chinchillas.
KYLIE WANTS BUTT WORKOUT VIDEO BANNED
Can't Get You Outta My Ass - A furious Kylie Minogue is demanding that a
new fitness video, "Hotpants Workout," be taken off the market. The cover
shows a woman's rear in gold hotpants, like those Kylie wore in the video
of her hit, "Spinning Around," but it's not her butt. The dance instructor
on the tape claims he helped tone Kylie's famous rear and offers diet tips
for getting a similar look, but Kylie says she worked out with him only
twice and strongly opposes promoting diets to her female fans.
Oh, so Kylie wants to have the ONLY "super butt!"
Hey, he made the butt double's butt look just like Kylie's, didn't he?!
He tried to settle it by offering her a piece of the back end.
HOLLYWOOD PLASTIC SURGERY DEPT: MICHAEL AND DEMI
For Him, A Sneeze Is Risky! - Reuters asked top plastic surgeons to examine
last week's startling photo of Michael Jackson. The consensus was that his
nose has collapsed due to dead tissue from at least five nose jobs. One
said he'd never operate on Jackson's nose because repeat surgeries are too
risky. He said Jackson had tried to change his face too much, adding, if
"Roseanne Barr comes in wanting to look like J-Lo, I can't help her."
Another guessed that all the work had been done by the same doctor.
Dr. Frankenstein...Or Dr. Drake Remoray...Or possibly Dr. Nick from "The
Simpsons."
Michael Jackson must've come in wanting to look like J-Lo.
Although it is possible that some surgeon helped J-Lo look like J-Lo.
Michael's nose is beyond renovation: it's now a "tear-down."
The "Hotpants Workout" Video Is Just $15 - The Star tabloid claims Demi
Moore at 40 got a full body makeover that they estimate cost $400,000. The
Star claims that Moore, who's making a comeback in "Charlie's Angels 2,"
paid for a nutritionist ($22,000 a year), a personal trainer ($25,000), a
yoga instructor ($15,600) and a kickboxing coach ($230,000). Plus $16,000
for porcelain veneers, $12,000 a year for Botox, $10,000 for new breast
implants, $15,000 for liposuction and $6,240 for collagen injections and
other skin treatments. But an unnamed "pal" said that when you consider
the millions Demi makes off her looks, that's nothing.
Of course, to get the part in "Charlie's Angels," she agreed to work for
scale.
Demi can pay $12,000 for Botox and never raise an eyebrow.
Lately, Demi's yoga instructor has been making more than she has.
After all that, she came out looking just like Michael Jackson.
Bruce Willis had to give her up because even he couldn't afford the
maintenance.
ROLLING STONES PLAY BILLIONAIRE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
Singing "Happy Birthday" Is $1 Million Extra - Saturday, Fort Worth, Texas,
billionaire David Bonderman threw a 60th birthday party for himself at the
Las Vegas Hard Rock Cafe with live entertainment by the Rolling Stones,
John Mellencamp and Robin Williams. He reportedly paid the Stones $6.75
million to play for his middle-aged guests for 40 minutes.
He DOES know he could've bought a CD for 14 bucks, right?
The Stones would've played for free, just to keep in touch with young
people.
Robin Williams put on his "Patch Adams" nose and was the world's most
expensive birthday party clown.
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