Joseph Andrews (1977) is a British comedy based on "THE HISTORY OF THE ADVENTURES OF Joseph Andrews, and his Friend Mr. Abraham Adams" by Henry Fielding, author of Tom Jones. His novel which is available to read free on line for those that are interested. http://www.blackmask.com/books55c/joeandrewdex.htm. This is similar to Tom Jones in tone, so your enjoyment of that film is a good predictor for whether or not you will like this one. Joseph is a lowly servant who works his way up to footman for Lady Booby, played brilliantly by Ann-Margret. When Lord Booby dies, Lady Booby decides to seduce young, handsome Andrews, but he will have none of it, especially as the love of his life is a lowly kitchen girl, played by Natalie Ogle. He is befriended by Parson Adams, who is his frequent companion in all the mis-adventures fate bestows upon them. Lady Booby's maid, played by Beryl Reid, also wants Andrew's body.

Our two young lovers are subjected to lechery, witchcraft, highwaymen, and the plots by Lady Booby, who has a few skeletons in her closet as well. But it seems nobody was born to the station they thought they were. Ann-Margret shows see-through breasts in a wet bathing costume, and lots of cleavage. Ogle in her first credited performance, shows breasts in three different scenes. She went on to several TV roles in the 80s.

IMDB readers rate this 4.9 of 10. This is an easy one for me to grade. It is a well made period sex farce in the same tradition as Tom Jones, has some nudity, includes a Golden Globe nominated performance by Ann-Margret, and an excellent character performance by Beryl Reid. If you like this genre, you will love this one. C.

Net Games (2003)

You would expect that a no-budget erotic thriller starring C. Thomas "Soul Man" Howell would not be worth your while, and you'd be right. The erotic bits are insufficient to satisfy somebody looking for a decent soft-core film, and the production values are inadequate to satisfy somebody looking for a real movie.

In all fairness, the script and directing aren't that bad except that they are derivative. The opening scene looks exactly like the opening scene in Basic Instinct, and other elements mirror Fatal Attraction. Hell, I guess there's only so much one can do with an erotic thriller.

The real weakness of the film is not that it is derivative, but that it is cheap. About a third of the running time consists of people talking at computer screens while pretending to type. (It's about cyber sex gone bad). I don't know about you, but I don't find simulated typing to be an especially good spectator sport. If you can believe it, I don't even like to watch real typing that much. But I guess that's just me.

The most fun involved in watch a film like this is to see whose career is really on the fritz. Remember this is a no-budget, straight-to vid, soft porn film which stars Soul Man, so anybody who took a small role in this must be desperate for a paycheck.

That roster of desperation includes:

• Ed Begley Jr.

• Joan van Ark

• Marina Sirtis

Sirtis had an especially humiliating role. She had to pretend to be falling-down drunk, and then had to make a sad, unsuccessful pass at Soul Man. She better hope they rev up some more Star Trek adventures for her.

C. Thomas, like Merlin the Magician, has lived his career in reverse. In 1983 he starred in a Francis Ford Coppola movie based on S.E. Hinton's popular book The Outsiders. That's impressive enough, but what is truly extraordinary is the list of young actors who had smaller roles in that film: Tom Cruise, Diane Lane, Matt Dillon, Ralph Macchio, Emilio Estevez, Patrick Swayze, and Rob Lowe. In the same year, he had a role in a Spielberg film (ET). That happened in the early 1980s.

Then he started to go backwards. Here's an example of some of the movies he made in the 1990s:

• (3.92) - Last Lives (1997)
• (3.79) - Mad Dogs and Englishmen (1995)
• (3.78) - Far Out Man (1990)
• (3.51) - Hot Boyz (1999)
• (3.20) - Treacherous (1994)
• (2.83) - Shepherd (1999)
• (2.54) - Jailbait (1994)

He has tried directing, as well, with little success. These are the only three films he directed:

• (4.10) - Big Fall, The (1996)
• (3.68) - Hourglass (1995)
• (3.60) - Pure Danger (1996)

To his credit, he has managed to maintain a career of some kind, keeping his foot in the door, working steadily, making a decent living, hoping for another break of some kind.

• Lala Sloatman (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Monique Demers
• Marina Sirtis (cleavage only)
• Unknown stripper (1, 2)
• Unknown victim (1, 2)

Anne Parillaud:

Back in the early 1980s, Anne Parillaud was one of the sexiest women in the world. Her face was beautiful, and her body, though very slim, was just about perfectly shaped. Best of all, she got naked regularly. Since Graphic Response had some good caps from 1981 Pour la peau d'un flic, and 1983's Le Battant, I assembled some additional images from his collection.

• Parillaud in Le Battant (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Parillaud in Pour la peau d'un flic (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

OTHER CRAP:

• Jacko update: Court TV reporter Diane Dimond says police not only had a search warrant, but an arrest warrant. Dimond told CNN's Larry King that had Jackson been at the ranch, the warrant would have been executed.

• The Sun says that the new Paris Hilton lesbian sex video has surfaced. I haven't seen it yet. I'll keep you posted.

• An entire site full of beautiful naked woman wearing wings.

• How to tell the difference between a Canadian and a Lesbian.

• The Sun's coverage of Jacko's problems: "Jackson was facing a quiz by cops last night over another sensational child sex claim. "

• Mouseketeer says Timberwolf has a mini dick

• The Rushmeister in trouble again - this time for money laundering. I dont know if he's laundering, but there's some crazy stuff here. Banks have to report withdrawals in excess of $10,000. At one point Rush made 30-40 cash withdrawals of $9,900 each.

• You think America's government is fucked up? "The European Union is failing to keep track of huge annual subsidies, and 91 per cent of its budget is riddled with errors or cannot be verified, a financial watchdog said yesterday." Corruption and fraud are at epidemic proportions - agricultural payouts are off by as much as 89%.

• The Smoking Gun, in connection with today's raid at Michael Jackson's ranch, published the declaration sworn by a child in a previous case against Jacko - a civil suit which was settled. "Michael Jackson masturbated me several times, both with his hand and with his mouth" - the boy was 12 at the time.

• Very comprehensive collection of Natalie Portman Images from the 18th Annual American Cinematheque Award (Nov. 14th '03)

• Liability lawyer's group lists the ten most hazardous toys of 2003

• Author-humorist Kinky Friedman ponders a run for Texas Governor "If you elect me the first Jewish governor, I'll reduce the speed limit to 54.95."

• Showtime will air 'The Reagans,' the made-for-TV movie that CBS scuttled, on Nov. 30.

• Old favorites top the 'Hot Toys' list for the holidays - Barbie, Care Bears, My Little Pony and Hot Wheels are the hot holiday toys.

• If you're looking for something on Boys Night Out, and you're tired of bowling and poker, you might consider a Drunk Puppet Night

• 14-year-old American soccer prodigy signs four-year contract

• Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch Raided

• Bucs deactivate Keyshawn Johnson He will sit out the remainder of the season, is not likely to play again for the Bucs.

• ESPN - Page 2's Worst Uniform Bracket

• ESPN.com - Page 2's Overrated Bracket Final. Who is the most overrated person in the world?

• On Nov. 22, the first-ever outdoor NHL game will be played at Commonwealth Stadium, between the Edmonton Oilers and the Montreal Canadiens.

• 12,259 known plants and animal species face extinction. Including the Mekong catfish, acoustic guitarists, serious playwrights, and Alicia Silverstone.

• Pop-up-blocking software -- until now something that many consumers had to actively hunt out and download -- will soon come shipped with Internet Explorer It's about friggin' time.

• Meat Loaf collapses during concert. I read the article a second time, just to make sure it was Mr Loaf that collapsed, not the stage beneath him.

• Las Vegas Casino The Sands has sued a Palo Alto man for keeping more than $1.4 million the casino says it wired to him by mistake.

• ESPN.com - NFL - Power Rankings - Chiefs hold on to #1

• Will Natalie Portman be the New Lois Lane?

• Fantastic Four Moved to 2005, Hulk 2 Gets Writer. I'd still like to see the 1994 Roger Corman version of FF. I've heard it's a riot, but it's impossible to find.

• HBO has sold rights to its brilliant, Emmy-winning 'Band of Brothers' to the History Channel, ensuring its exposure to a wider audience."

• Back to the NBA for the Houston Rockets Power Dancers

• Liza counter-attacks David Gest. The Smoking Gun is there.

• Here's one to bookmark: The Encyclopedia Mythica: Mythology, Folklore, and Legends.

• Sgt Pepper named best-ever rock album by Rolling Stone

• A prank website set up to mock the trend for nonsense brand names has spectacularly backfired on its creators, after several of the spoof names have been registered for real.

   

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Roselyn Sanchez, the ultra sexy co-star of "Boat Trip" and "Rush Hour 2" wearing a wonderfully lo-cut dress.

• Victoria Beckham...didn't she used to be hot?

• Victoria Hervey, see-thru breast views.

Nikki Cox

Vanessa Marcil