Thursday

Tuna
"Deadly Reckoning"

Deadly Reckoning (2001) appears to be a direct to bargain video, and IMDB is totally mute on it. It was directed by Art Camacho, and stars Frank Zagarino as a retired CIA agent living under a new identity. His old partner and ex lover, Elizabeth Giordano, is the love interest, and Robert Vaughn plays the CIA section head who is crooked, and out to get Zagarino. Seems Zagarino kept a fortune in bearer bonds, and a 3 1/2 inch floppy listing all of the spooks in the world as insurance, and Vaughn wants them for profit. He breaks a bunch of bad guys out of an East German prison, and sends them after Zagarino and his daughter.

Zagarino's wife was killed by a car bomb meant for him shortly after his daughter was born. From here, it is a formula action film full of gun fights, explosions, fist fights, a huge body count, etc. There is one dark sex scene between Zagarino and Giordano, where we see one of her breasts. The scene looked edited to reduce nudity to me. This is really no worse than most B action thrillers, although the John Woo gun-to-the-head trick was way overused, and they had a gun to the head of the young daughter every time they couldn't figure out what to do next. I will give it a C-. Those who like mindless action will find it here.

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  • Elizabeth Giordano (1, 2, 3)

    "The Prince and the Showgirl"

    The Prince and the Showgirl (1957) was directed and produced by Laurence Olivier, who also played the part of the Prince, who was the ruling monarch of Carpathia. Marilyn MOpnroe plays the showgirl -- an American working as an understudy in a London theater. It is just prior to World War I, and royalty is flocking to London for a coronation. Olivier meets the theater company, and Marilyn looks like an easy evenings entertainment to him, so he invites her to a late supper in his embassy.

    Marilyn is impressed, but has no intention of being easy. Olivier's son is set to reach maturity and assume the thrown in a year and a half, and the two don't get along. The son is planing on ousting his father with a little help from the Germans. Olivier's mother-in-law, the Queen Dowager, is also there for the coronation (and comic relief), takes a liking to Marilyn, and makes her an honorary lady in waiting to accompany her to the coronation. This is, of course, a coup for Marilyn, as her fellow actresses look down on her, but see her in the official motorcade.

    The film has the feel of a Cinderella story through much of it, with Marilyn trying to solve the problems between Olivier and his son, and to make Olivier actually care for her. While she succeeds at both, the ending is not story book, but is grounded in reality. Marilyn was at the top of her game in 1957, and, although women were a little heavy then by today's anorectic standards, she looked wonderful. I included 9 800 x 600 wall paper images after the collages for MM fans. As far as exposure, she has a pokie near the beginning, shows the shape of her buns bending over in bloomers, and shows cleavage in a white dress she wears through most of the film.

    IMDB readers have it at 6.1 of 10. It was nominated for 5 BAFTAs, including best picture, best actor, best foreign actress and best screenplay. While it is very dated, Marilyn lit up the screen and ate the camera throughout, and there is no doubting Olivier's ability to play a role. It was Marilyn's first film at Warner Brothers, and was made at Pinewood Studios in London. The DVD is 4/3. but the color is very good, and the images are crisp, especially for the age. This is a film for fans of the stars, and has little else for a modern audience, and is hence properly scored C.

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  • Marilyn Monroe (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24)

    • Johnny Web (Uncle Scoopy)

    MOVIES:

    If you've been waiting for Ace Ventura 3, well that ain't gonna happen, but this is real close. Frank McKlusky, C.I. - I don't think it was ever released to theaters, although it stars everyone in the free world from Chachi to Dolly Parton..

    • Joanie "Chyna" Laurer (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
    • Dolly Parton. Dolly is wearing all of her clothing. This picture is here for Michael Jackson's benefit. Hey, Jacko - THIS is what a person is supposed to look like after plastic surgery. Dolly will be 57 in January, and she looks 30. Fire your surgeon and hire hers. End of message.

    The Last Seduction is a pretty cool movie, the "femme fatale" genre raised to its apotheosis by two things. (1)  The characters have been exaggerated to a point where the film works as black comedy as well as traditional noir (2) Linda Fiorentino's character is unapologetically evil. She never pretends to be weak or vulnerable. She just screws everyone over with no pretenses. Men join in her schemes even though they know she can't be trusted.

    • Linda Fiorentino (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    There is no nudity in the other major release this week, Sunshine State

    OTHER CRAP:

     

    Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

    • The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
    • If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
    • A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
    • If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

    Brainscan
    'Caps and comments by Brainscan:

    A simple morsel for today. Five collages from a kick-ass DVD, entitled Garage Girls. It's put out by Vivid and so I expected way more exposure but the disk documents a calendar shoot...mainly in a garage...erego the title... with a pretty fair number of semi-famous babes. Today's offering is part of a long shoot with Carrie Westcott, Hefmate for Sept 1993. She is joined by fitness model, Cori Nadine. Would bet all of us have seen both of them nekkid before. So the bodies aren't new but these images probably are, unless you already own the disk.

    Hooters throughout, and a peak at Carrie's bush in the third collage.

    Warning. Obscure 70's music reference to follow. Watching these girls forced me to wonder: are the guys who run their business affairs known as "Manager Misters"?

    • Carrie Westcott (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

    Hankster
    'Caps and comments by Hankster:

    A little "Hankster Lite" today as we take a look at Tanya Dempsey in a 2002 movie "Deathbed". We see Tanya in a downblouse scene with her boobs trying real hard to fall out of her top. I just love the challenge of trying to get a peek at those puppies.

    • Tanya Dempsey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

    CKRoach
    'Caps and comments by CKRoach:

    "Druids" is a newcomer to the world of historic action-drama. Written and directed by Jacques Dorfmann. It attempts to tell the story of the Gallic War hero Vercingetorix.

    While the movie has some powerful actors cast in key roles, it suffers from indifferent writing. Unfortunately also, the cast doesn't always fit the roles very well. The most glaring example is Klaus Maria Brandauer as Julius Ceasar. While his acting is good, his German accent simply is too out of place to be convincing. Max von Sydow's powerful acting just doesn't overcome the lame script of his character, the Druid Guttuart. In fact, one is left wondering just what is this character's purpose in the movie. Ines Sastre is cast as Vercingetorix's future queen. This is another character I wonder why she was even put into the script. Maria Kavardjikova is cast as a fictional female warrior master named Rhia, perhaps to spice up the action.

    Fortunately the movie doesn't attempt to fit in every detail of the complicated history. It does try to stick with some historic high points and condense real events into a producible format. It captures the campaign of depriving the Roman invaders of food by means of a scorched earth policy. It emphasizes the great mistake in not fortifying Avaricum. The Roman uniforms and equipment shown are accurate. The Roman tactics of box fighting, circumvallation, and contravallation are depicted flawlessly. The inevitable surrender of Vercingetorix seems almost perfectly out of the famous Mansel Collection painting.

    This movie gets constantly ridiculed for the defense of Gergovia scene. In this scene, the women of the town confront the Romans at the gate by throwing first food, then flashing their breasts at the soldiers as a distraction. The director got this correct. It really did happen! Ceasar writes about this incident in his book, "The Gallic Wars" book 7 chapter 47

    "…when a shout arose in every quarter of the city, those who were at a distance being alarmed by the sudden tumult, fled hastily from the town, since they thought that the enemy were within the gates. The matrons begin to cast their clothes and silver over the wall, and bending over as far as the lower part of the bosom, with outstretched hands beseech the Romans to spare them, and not to sacrifice to their resentment even women and children, as they had done at Avaricum…"

    Overall, if you like historic based action adventure films, this one is worth a look. Just don't expect Oscar winning performance.

    It is available at Wal-Mart in the under $10 pile. You can also get it from Amazon for over twice that price. My advice is to get it from Wal-Mart; it's not worth more than that.

    IMDB rating: 2.7/10

    Nudity: A fictional character (Rhia) played by Maria Kavardjikova Lowers her top to distract a guard. There is also the above mentioned description of the defense of Gergovia.

    UC99
    UC99 takes a look at the Tino Brass movie "Monella" (1998), and you know what that means.... LOTS of nudity! More specifically, it means lots of large breasts, bush, gyno-cam and rear nudity.

    Mr. Nude Celeb
    • Rebecca Romijn-Stamos all new bootleg 'caps from "Femme Fatale". Rear side breast views that reveal everything just shy of a nipple. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)
    • Christina Ricci, pokies galore in scenes from "Pumpkin". (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)
    • Erinn Bartlett, side breast views as she gets it on in scenes from "Pumpkin". Nipple sighting in #3. (1, 2, 3, 4)

    The Funnies by Number 6
  • Things you shouldn't drop
  • Another "Priceless" ad we'd love to see
  • Patriotic Girls Gone Wild
  • Winner of the Fun House Halloween Costume contest (the guy on the left)

    • Pat Reeder www.comedy-wire.com
    Pat's comments in yellow...

    MICHAEL JACKSON DANGLES A BABY
    Maybe It's A Robot Baby - Michael Jackson terrified his fans in Berlin Tuesday when he greeted a crowd beneath his fifth floor hotel balcony by stepping out holding a baby with a towel over its face - apparently, his youngest son, whose mother is a mystery - and dangling the kicking child over the guard rail. He smiled as he held the baby with just one arm around its neck, then quickly pulled it to safety and went in. Ironically, he was in Berlin because a Los Angeles judge granted his request for a trial break so he could accept an award for his work on behalf of children.

  • It was presented by the International Society of Morons.
  • In Michael's world, his offspring can fly.
  • If that poor kid had dropped five stories onto his head, he might've grown up to act like Michael Jackson!
  • Half the crowd was terrified the baby would fall, and the other half was terrified that he'd be hauled back into Michael Jackson's hotel room.
  • The towel was to hide the baby's recent plastic surgery scars.


    ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS WORLD CHAMPION
    The Paper Actually Covered This? - Over the weekend, in Toronto, local man Pete Lovering won the 2002 International Rock-Paper-Scissors Championship. Lovering beat out 255 other competitors to win $1,200, a gold medal and an Xbox game system. In the final round, he thrilled a cheering crowd with a deft combination of Rock, Paper, Rock, Rock.

  • At that level of competition, Scissors just don't cut it.
  • He could've rocked them all night long!
  • It ended in a tie that was settled with a sudden death round of Eenie-Meenie-Minie-Moe.


    MATTEL TRIES TEEN SLUT BARBIE
    Thong Sold Separately - Mattel is introducing a new Barbie in Canada that is designed to lure older preteen girls from MTV and the Internet back to dolls. My Scene Barbie and her hip pals Chelsea and Madison have extra-pouty lips and an edgy fashion sense. They sport crop tops, low-rider jeans and bare midriffs. One former ad executive said girls are maturing younger than ever, and Mattel hopes to woo them by jumping on the trend of teenage girls seeing scanty clothes and sex appeal as female empowerment.

  • Funny, guys see girls in scanty clothes as male empowerment.
  • If girls want to see a half-naked slut with plastic boobs and a hollow head, they'll stick with MTV.
  • Her pouty lips are made of a space-age plastic polymer, just like Angelina Jolie's!
  • Make it lifesize, and they could sell it to teenage boys.


    VICTORIA'S SECRET LINGERIE SHOW PROTESTED
    By George, I Think They've Got It! - An odd alliance of pro-family groups such as Concerned Women for America and the feminist group NOW urged CBS not to air tonight's "Victoria's Secret Lingerie Show." They branded it a "soft-core porn infomercial" and said it served no purpose except to sexualize women and bolster CBS's ratings among young men. But a CBS spokesman said it's just a fashion show with music and comedy segments, and the models don't show any more skin than is allowed by network standards.

  • The same standards used on "NYPD Blue."
  • In that case, I'm watching the Playboy Channel instead.
  • There hasn't been a show that DIDN'T sexualize women since "Roseanne" went off.
  • NOW wouldn't mind a lingerie fashion show, as long as Rosie O'Donnell was the model.