Girl Camp 2004: Lesbian Fleshpots is yet another Lloyd Simandl masterpiece from his North American Studios facility in Czechoslovakia. Again, it is a warehouse full of naked women held captive by an evil lesbian. This time she sells them in a live eBay type auction. Women, incidentally, seem to be worth between $10 and $35 grand each. We get to see two sets of slaves trained and then auctioned over the course of the film, 6 in each set. This includes a nude shower scene for each, being fondled by a female jailor, being rubbed all over with oil before the sale, and then being displayed back and front completely nude. Each of these twelve had a character name but none of them got a credit, because none of them had a line.

Tomorrow night, the identified women, and the rest of the review.

40 Years. For almost all of us born in the two decades between 1938 and 1958, it has been precisely 40 years since the most memorable day in our lives.

I was 14 when the President was shot. To people who have only known the vicious, ugly, cynical partisanship of post-Kennedy America, it is not possible to understand the love shared between JFK and the country. We sweated with him through the near extinction of the world during the Cuban Missile Crisis. We watched his kids playing under the desk in the Oval Office. We watched his press conferences for their entertainment value. His favorite musical was Camelot, and he used King Arthur as a metaphor for his own administration. He seemed so close to us, like a member of the family, yet he was a king - and a stand-up comedian - and a respected author - and a movie star. Imagine the character Hugh Grant always plays in the movies. JFK was really like that. And he was our President.

Frankly, if you're a stickler for technical accuracy, he wasn't that great a President. As an international leader, he was Captain Kirk, horny and reckless and headstrong, shooting first and thinking later. His sexual habits made Bill Clinton look like a Buddhist monk. But all of that didn't matter. If you were a kid like me, JFK was just like your favorite uncle - youthful and fun to hang with. Women wished they could be with JFK. Men wished they were JFK. Even his most conservative opponent, Barry Goldwater, loved the guy. The rest of the world loved him, too, and because he was our president, the world loved us.

Even Frank Fuckin' Sinatra, lord and master of all time and space, and second coolest guy on the planet, just wanted to be seen with Jack and bask in reflected glory, just wanted people to know Jack Kennedy was his friend.

And then it was over. 40 years ago today.

And it's never been like that again.

Deadly Passion (1985)

Deadly Passion is the best Coburn movie. Unfortunately, it is Harrison Coburn (right), James's son.

I don't know if I've ever seen anything quite like this film. First, imagine remaking Body Heat with no money. Then replace Bill Hurt with a good looking guy with a flippant juvenile delivery, like Potsie. Then replace Kathleen Turner with ... well, I guess with Ingrid Boulting, the actual star, since I don't know anybody else like her, with her plummy accent, her wooden delivery, her moon-shaped face, her complete lack of acting talent, and her constant chain-smoking. Boulting smokes so much in this movie that she actually has a cigarette dangling from her lips, Bogart-style, when she talks and even when she shoots a gun with two hands. (See pictures at the scoopy.com page - linked below)

She was beautiful, however. Boulting is the reason I watched this ersatz softcore turkey in the first place. Earlier this week I watched the noble failure, The Last Tycoon. The same Miss Boulting debuted in Tycoon, then made only one other film, many years later. This is it.

So there you have it. A softcore sex film with Potsie starring opposite a chain-smoking South African Sally Struthers impersonator.

It was not only Ingrid Boulting who closed her career with this film. Director Larry Larson called this his first and last film. Three of the first four people listed in the cast never worked again.

The Deadly Passion curse.

As far as I know, this tape is not available anywhere. These are made from a much-watched tape of indeterminate generations. I couldn't watch the first five minutes at all because of tape quality problems, but after that it was so-so. Not great quality, but good enough to give us the general idea.

• Ingrid Boulting (1, 2, 3)
• The scoopy.com page (Pictures of Boulting chain-smoking, and Harrison Coburn's strange neck)

Mascara (1999)

To duplicate Mascara at home, take a month's summary of the plot threads on Days of Our Lives. and condense them to a 90 minute script. When you film the script on a video camera, make sure that all the sex scenes, and even some non-sex scenes, involve plenty of nudity.

The story begins with the wedding of one late twentyish woman (Lumi Cavazos), who is attended by her two best friends (Amanda De Cadenet and Ione Skye). It then follows each of their lives for the next fourteen months, weaving their stories together.

To give you the flavor of the entire film, I'll summarize the life of the Ione Skye character. She's having a live-in affair with an older man. His daughter comes to live with them, and Ione suspects that there is something unhealthy between the man and his daughter (insert organ chord). Because of her suspicions, her commitment to the relationship wanes, and she takes up with a sexy younger guy (organ chord). The older guy catches her with the younger guy (very dramatic organ chord) and it turns out that they are father and son (even more dramatic organ chord). Before that little surprise, none of the three had been aware of the connection.

Take that kind of material and multiply it times three women, and that's Mascara.

To make it all even less engaging, many scenes are shot with a hand-held camera, and the hand holding that camera is dizzyingly unsteady. Finally, the director chose to do editing techniques with the camera instead of in the editing room. For example, in a two person conversation, instead of cutting from one person to another, the unsteady camera moves back and forth nauseatingly, in real time.

There is a good reason why this film submerged after its brief theatrical trial in 1999, to resurface on video so many years later. I thought perhaps that this unwatchable mess could be justified by a certain chick-flick cachet, but it turns out that the few women who have rated it at IMDb despise it, scoring it 2.1/10 - a low enough score to make it the 13th worst movie of all time. Linda Kandel has not worked as a writer or director since this film.

Avoid it if you want to see quality entertainment, but by all means enjoy the nudity, which is plentiful, beautiful, and often in excellent light.

• Ione Skye (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
• Amanda De Cadenet (1, 2, 3, 4)

OTHER CRAP:

• UK lingerie giant chooses sexy (topless) model. With topless pics. 

• Diaz's Tatas Spawn Trial

• Aniston's Tatas settle suit

• Stare Magazine's tribute to former Heffer Jill Scott

• URL says it all: CatEnema.com Do NOT Try This at Home!

• Man gets "spam rage" over penis enlargement ads.

• Paris Hilton Tape - the official transcript

• URL says it all: MulletMadness.com. "I am not afraid to lift my Bud Light above my head and let my voice ring like a clarion calling for 'Freebird'!"

• Magnum PI, the movie, starring Clooney??

• Bill Clinton's 21 Favorite Books, ranging from "A Version of Sophocles' Philoctetes" to "Meter Maids in Bondage"

• Somew of the official titles used by the ruler of North Korea. Including "Walking Computer who surprises visitors", "World’s Best Military Artist", and "Tim"

• Van Halen News Desk: Doubts Emerge Over "Sammy Is Back" Rumour. "Sammy has not told any of his band members that he plans to rejoin Van Halen."

• Antichrist identified with mathematical precision. OK, Ethan Hawke is off the hook - for now.

• Weekly World News: THE LOST City of Atlantis is not deep beneath the ocean -- the ancient metropolis is buried under the sands of the Sahara Desert!

• ABCNEWS.com : Kennedy Assassination: Beyond Conspiracy. This is a brilliant study, based on an exact computer recreation of Dealey Plaza that day, medical evidence, the Zapruder film, six other amateur films, and the "motorcycle tape".

• Back to the NBA for the Memphis Grizzlies Dance Team

• ABC's '8 Simple Rules' will welcome Joe Dirt.

• Cox Cable is moving ESPN from basic cable to subscription - here is ESPN's response.

• Breathalyzer Test and Blood Alcohol Content - the drunkenness calculator

• Worst Album Covers Ever

• This year's inductees in the Rock Hall of Fame.

• Some pretty nifty scripting. Slothdog's Amazing Album Cover Finder

• Russell Crowe as fucking surly as ever.

• Federal authorities have opened an inquiry into how the New York Post obtained a bootlegged copy of Mel Gibson's controversial unreleased film 'The Passion of Christ.

• Dark secrets of Jackos bedroom lair.

• What if Michael Jackson had aged without plastic surgery?

• Pals of Jay Penske say he's about to dump Lara Flynn Boyle - even though she had his name tattooed on her back

• Seven ways to win an Oscar!

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"Down and Out with the Dolls"
This 2001 indy comedy is a classic example of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. A rising all-girl rock band manages to turn success into disaster when they move in together to concentrate of their newfound popularity.

Set in Portland, Oregon, it's a well done story with some great rock music and some cool insight into the music business, and people in general. Thoroughly enjoyable.

• Sierra Feldner-Shaw goes topless.

• Kari showing off her old robo-hooters great 'caps from "An Occasional Hell" (1996). (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12)

• Kari only teasing us this time with her robo-cleavage. Vidcaps from "Red Blooded American Girl II" aka "Hit & Run" (1997) (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

Renee Griffin
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

BAD MOVIES DRIVE SHARIFF INTO RETIREMENT
They Pay For His Gambling - Omar Shariff said that "The 13th Warrior," a 1999 movie he made with Antonio Banderas, was so bad, it convinced him to retire from movies. He said it's humiliating and terrifying to have to do bad dialogue for a director who doesn't know what he's doing "in a film so bad that it is not even worth exploring." He said he told himself, "Let us stop this nonsense, these meal tickets that we do because it pays well." He said he's only now returned to movies because he found a "stupendous" script that he loved.