Girl Camp 2004: Lesbian Fleshpots makes maximum use of naked women, and minimum use of plot. Here is a quick summary, which introduces the three identified actresses. Klara Hlousek, or Klara Hlouska, is the warden and brains behind the slave training and auction business. Katerina Vrana has infiltrated with the help of her boyfriend George, who hopes to learn all the business secrets, and steal the business. Vrana knows that Hlousek loves money, and lesbian sex. Lucie Haluzik is a slave who needs some re-education to become a good slave. This re-education is done by a female guard using an electrified Freddy Kruger hand, but we are never shown how it is used. We see each possible pairing of the three women in girl/girl sex scenes, a girl/girl/girl sex scene with the three of them, each of them in the bath, and both Haluzik and Vrana bound and tortured, and displayed for auction. No need to guess what any of the three look like from any angle.

Czechsploitation has become its own genre, and Lloyd Simandl (I have seen various spellings of his name) is the father of this genre. Although based in Canada, he has created studios in Czechoslovakia, where he can make these films for pennies on the dollar compared to a North American production. His cast is drawn from native nude models, most of whom use a shortened version of their names for their film credits. Most of the women in this film have no lines, and 100% of the dialogue was dubbed.

The essence of this genre is naked women and soft core lesbian sex, and this film has all of that. Not all scenes take place in dungeon lighting, so some of the images below are decent quality, and a few sets were well decorated. I viewed a Region 2 PAL, and don't think this has come to Region 1 yet, so there are not enough votes at IMDB for a score. Given the genre, this is a C+. If you like the genre, this is your Casablanca.

UPDATES:

• New volumes: Ingrid Boulting, Amanda de Cadenet

• Updated volumes: Ione Skye

The Quick and the Dead (1995)

We've often mused on these pages about the identity of the least likely cowboy of all time.

Would it be Mr Spock in Catlow? Not at all. Nimoy is a better actor than you think. He played the villain in that film, and he was completely macho. Dustin Hoffman was a pretty silly gunslinger in Little Big Man, but he was supposed to be playing that for a laugh.

I don't think Wally Cox ever played a gunslinger, and I haven't seen Christopher Atkins in Trigger Fast (which is rated 1.7 at IMDb, so you know that's gotta suck big-time), but working from the cowboys I actually have seen, I have to go with Leo DiCaprio in The Quick and the Dead. Weighing in at about 120, with dumbo ears, shoulders barely wider than his hat, and biceps somewhere around eight inches in circumference, not to mention his familiar squeaky voice, the little fella gets my nod as the rootin'est, tootin'est buckaroo of them all.

If you are a young person you probably don't even think of musicals and Westerns as legitimate movie genres, because there are so few that they just seem like one-off curiosities. It was very different when I was a boy. Musicals and Westerns were still being made, and still winning awards.

In fact, the entire country went completely ga-ga for cowboys in the mid to late fifties. Davy Crockett premiered on the Disney program in December of 1954. Four more Crockett programs would air in the following year, a period during which Gunsmoke made its first appearance. By 1957, every kid in America seemed to have a toy gun and holster, and the TV line-up seemed to consist of nothing but cowpokes.

In the 1955-56 TV season, there were no Westerns in the top 16 TV programs. Not a one. Nada.

By 1957-58, the top 16 looked like this:

• 1. Gunsmoke
• 3. Tales of Wells Fargo
• 4. Have Gun, Will Travel
• 6. Wyatt Earp
• 8. The Restless Gun
• 12. Cheyenne
• 15. Wagon Train
• 16. Sugarfoot

In the following two years, the top twenty list was joined by The Rifleman, Zane Grey Theater, The Texan, Wanted: Dead or Alive, The Lawman, Rawhide, and Maverick. Bonanza came along in 1960.

The movies of Gene Autry and Roy Rogers, as well as Roy's TV show, had been on TV before this period, along with Hopalong Cassidy and The Lone Ranger, but they were relegated mainly to the Saturday morning kiddie programming ghetto. Those earlier Westerns had been straight juvenile fiction brought to life, the romantic Ned Buntline view of the Old West first popularized in the Pulps. The new prime-time Westerns of the 1957 era were not revolutionary, but they were marketed toward adults as well as kids, and they often featured realistic human drama as well as shoot-'em-ups. Sometimes a cowpoke even loved a woman as much as he loved his horse, although that usually got him in trouble.

Although the prime-time adult Westerns of the late 50s were still firmly planted in the romantic boots of Ned Buntline, they were at least making some progress toward showing an Ol' West populated with real people. The last half of the 50s was the beginning of the "modern" western, and that trend gradually seeped into cinema and cross-bred with the modernist trend toward realism which had been slowly developing in other Hollywood genres.

As time progressed, several directors decided to break away from the romantic preconceptions of the Western genre and show life as it really was during the Western expansion: the hard work, the discomfort, the inadequate shelter from the elements, the ugliness of people with no medical or dental care, the short life expectancy, the illiteracy, the fear, the horrid wounds caused by gunshots, the boredom, the filth, the disease, the genocide, and guns which often misfired and weren't very accurate even when they worked. They even showed the guys who were creating the lies about the West. In time, realistic, modernist, revisionist movies like Little Big Man, McCabe and Mrs. Miller, and Unforgiven tried to tell the truth about the West in one way or another. Gone forever were the days of the bad guy clutching his tiny, bloodless wound, falling to the ground and saying, "ya got me, pard".

The Quick and the Dead is not like the modern Westerns, but presents a post-modern spin on the genre. It is not about what the Wild West was really like, but about what the Wild West would have been like in the 1870s if it had been created by 1990s filmmakers with 1990s feminist sensibilities overlaid upon a knowledge of the romantic yarns and classic films about the Old West. If you don't mind the fact that this is a Western that has absolutely nothing to do with the real West, and everything to do with the West of earlier movies, you might get a real kick out of it.

Turns out that the big gunslingin' event back in the Ol' West was the annual shoot-out, in which orn'riest cayooses assembled for their version of the NCAA's Sweet Sixteen, a single elimination tournament in which they paired off two-by-two to face each other down in a quick-draw competition in the middle of the street, complete with a pairings board and Vegas-style odds postings. The winner got a big chest full of cash, and the right to call himself The Fastest Gun in the West for a year. The losers got a trip to Boot Hill. The entrants were quite a collection of varmints, sidewinders, and polecats! The various shootists included a black guy, the fastest gun in Sweden, a woman, a convict still wearing his prison clothes, a gunslinger-turned-preacher who is forced to compete, the requisite evil guy who runs the town, and that hot-shot li'l whippersnapper, Leonardo DiCaprio. Amazingly, there was no racism against the black man, and only a brief bit of sexism against "Lady". Geez, those illiterate, drunken bastards had a generous heart and a firm grasp of modern sociology. If only they could have been running the entire world at that time.

Some of the details in this movie are hilarious.

• As per the official Tex/Mex cliché, every time the cowpokes have a moment of high celebration, mariachi music breaks out spontaneously and the gunslingers fire their guns in the air. They even do this indoors - in the saloon - which has rented rooms upstairs. I don't think it's wise to stay in and try for some Z's while the saloon is open.
• Sharon Stone is the lady gunslinger. She shows up in town on her horse with no possessions except what she's wearing and her saddlebags. Yet during the course of the competition, she not only produces a different designer cowgirl outfit for every round, but when invited for dinner at the abode of Evil Town-running Guy (Gene Hackman), she also produces an evening gown and all the accessories.
• Every time there is a moment of tension, there are extreme facial close-ups of all the major players, ala Sergio Leone.
• When a new person comes to the saloon, we see some boots under the swinging door, the crowd goes silent, the doors swing open, then the camera pans up to the guns and clothing, then to the face.
• At one point Russell Crowe (as the gunslinger-turned-preacher) kills six armed guys in a couple of seconds with six shots - three bursts from each gun - and he doesn't even aim. Aim, nothin'! With two of the guys, he doesn't even look! And since all of that was really too easy for him, he made it more challenging by shooting the guy on his left with the right gun, and vice-versa. Now that's gunslingin'.

I'm a fan of director Sam Raimi. Many film lovers are. This guy has so much talent, such a wild imagination, such a great visual sense, that we keep expecting him to make a completely kick-ass movie which is both brilliant and entertaining. It hasn't happened yet, but he continues to make good, entertaining movies with brilliant moments. The Quick and the Dead has an impressive look to it. Like the very best movies, it creates a world of its own which you will not forget. When I watched the first fifteen minutes of this film for the first time, I thought, "this must be the best damned movie I've ever seen". Not only does it have a uniquely artistic concept of the West, but it manages to be a parody and a serious movie at the same time, which is no simple achievement. Yes, you know Sam was having a good laugh over the close-ups of boots under the swinging doors and the no-look gunplay, but he never treats the film as a joke. This is not the Adam West Batman concept. Raimi plants the outrageous characters in that crazy, almost monochromatic, art-designed sepia and orange world, and then lets them play out their story seriously.

And you have to give Sam a tip of the hat for casting Russell Crowe and Leo DiCaprio in two of the four major roles, two full years before they would break through in L.A. Confidential and Titanic.

By the way, Sharon Stone does a remarkably good job as the Woman with No Name (Clit Eastwood?).

Unfortunately, this film, like Sam's others, doesn't have the right script to be a masterpiece, but he surely did just about as much as could be done with the script he was handed. Even though it slows down in sections, and is too predictable, I really enjoy it. It doesn't live up to the promise of the first fifteen minutes, and it's not a great movie, but it is a pretty cool one.

• Sharon Stone. This is the third time I have seen this film, and I never before noticed that Sharon Stone shows about 90% of the famous asset that made her a star in the first place. Check collages #2 and #3 and you'll see what I'm talking about. Thank heaven for Superbit. She also whips out a boob in #4. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• The Movie House page. Lots of pictures (1) DiCaprio as a cowboy (2) a general feel for the excellent, highly stylized cinematography

OTHER CRAP:

• What is Mickey Rourke doing these days? The article mentions that Jane Campion wanted him for In The Cut, but was vetoed by the producer, Nicole Kidman.

• Michael Jackson fans held candlelight vigils around the world Saturday to support the pop megastar as he faces allegations of child molestation.

• Whoa - surf's up, dudes.

• British artist intends to spend 100 hours sitting in a bath of baked beans with sausages strapped to his head and two chips stuck up his nose. Picture included.

• Oswald's brother says - no conspiracy, Lee just wanted some attention. I have that same problem with my dogs. It seems that every time I ignore them they bring home a Presidential corpse.

• Rosie O'Donnell flips off Taboo haters

• Here's the trailer for Hellboy

• SCREEN IT! PARENTAL REVIEW: Nudity summary in GOTHIKA Sorry, the answer is "not much".

• MovieJuice looks at Gothika. Their conclusion? Berry Bad

• 1 Gallon of Dog Poop on E-bay - Guaranteed Fresh

• Half-naked driver faces net piracy charge. If you have a wireless network at home, you should read this.

• The good news? Japanese firm hires professional spokesmodel, posts pics on web site. The bad news? It's Bill Clinton.

• Need a Christmas gift for that fisherman on your list? How about a designer ice shanty? It has carpeting, a bathroom, a stove, queen size beds, and optional chandeliers and flat screen home entertainment center.

• The controversial "f-word" interview with Andrew Dice Clay on CNN.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Susan Dey, aka Laurie Partridge...topless in scenes from "Echo Park" (1986).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

Crimson Ghost's pick 'o the litter this Sunday.

• Elizabeth Barondes from the remake of "Not Of This Earth." (1, 2, 3)
• Patricia Clarkson from "Simply Irresistible."
• Famke Janssen from "Deep Rising."
• Famke Janssen from "Lord Of Illusion." (1, 2)
• Sara Jessica Parker from "Honeymoon In Vegas."
• Jessica Lange in the remake of "King Kong." (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Marcia Gay Hardin in "Miller's Crossing."(1, 2, 3)
   

"The Beggar Bride"
The topless nudity in the British film The Beggar Bride comes from Charlotte Williams. Keeley Hawes takes a bath but nothing is visible.

• Charlotte Williams (1, 2)
• Keeley Hawes (1, 2, 3)

"The Border"
There's an upskirt by Shannon Wilcox in The Border and Valerie Perinne adds some eye candy.

• Shannon Wilcox
• Valerie Perinne

"Children of the Corn II - The Final Sacrifice"
A bit of cleavage by Christie Clark in Children of the Corn II - The Final Sacrifice.

• Christie Clark (1, 2)

"L A Law - The Movie"
Ingrid Torrance is supposed to be naked in L A Law - The Movie but she's obviously wearing the necessary patches.

• Ingrid Torrance (1, 2)

"Angel Baby"
Jacqueline McKenzie is completely naked in the Aussie movie Angel Baby.

• Jacqueline McKenzie (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Lust and Revenge"
Another Aussie movie with a completely naked woman is Lust and Revenge - this time it's Gosia Dobrowolska nude. Wendy Hughes is topless but the view is from the back.

• Gosia Dobrowolska (1, 2, 3,
• Wendy Hughes

"Quest for Love"
Lots of cleavage by Joan Collins in Quest for Love.

• Joan Collins (1, 2)

"Three's a Crowd"
Monica Trombetta appears to be topless in Three's a Crowd but nothing is visible.

• Monica Trombetta

"Strange Hearts"
There's a lot of strippers in Strange Hearts but they wouldn't make much money as they keep their clothes on. Rose McGowan and Meg Wittner are two of them, and there a couple of other young ladies doing their thing.

• Rose McGowan (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Meg Wittner
• Unknowns

"Sweet Liberty"
There's pokies by Lise Hilbody in Sweet Liberty and some unnamed naked women going for a swim.

• Lise Hilbody
• Unknown

"Two Much"
It's supposed to be a naked Daryl Hannah in the shower in Two Much but it is probably a body double. We have to be content with lots of cleavage by Daryl and Melanie Griffith.

• Daryl Hannah (1, 2)
• Melanie Griffith (1, 2)

"Expecting"
If you're into naked pregnant women the you'll love these caps of Valerie Buhagiar in Expecting,

• Valerie Buhagiar (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

"Crossroads"
Britney Spears has had too much exposure so I won't repeat her caps from Crossroads but there are also pokies by Zoe Saldana, one of Britney's traveling companions in the movie.

• Zoe Saldana (1, 2)