Mascara (1999) -- I have occasionally been stuck in front of a soap opera, usually in a doctors waiting room or hospital room, and sometimes wondered what would happen if you took three years of plot line, and condensed it into one feature length film with no commercials. Well, I no longer have to wonder. What you end up with is 90 minutes of sleazy soap opera plot, replete with jarring cuts from one character to another. I will admit that the nudity from Ione Skye and Amanda De Cadenet gave me something to enjoy about it, and some scenes were well photographed, but in some misguided attempt to give a cinema verite feel to the production, they not only use way too much hand held shaky cam, but intentionally messed with the focus as well. I never did figure out who the point of view (the camera man) was supposed to be, even though he even spoke in one of the opening scenes.

Any way you look at it, this is a mess. Just like a soap, more happens to these three women in 14 months than would happen to 100 women in 10 years. I never felt like I really knew any of the characters. And the film was too episodic to create any tension. The big surprise that ended the film was telegraphed in a very early scene. BROAD HINT!!! What do you call a woman who suddenly vomits all the time for no good reason? Now lets not always see the same hands. Yes, Pregnant.

I can't give much credence to this as a softcore. Even though it has a lot of nudity, they cut away for the sex scenes. As a drama, it is an F. I suppose, over all, it is a D.

UPDATES:

• Updated volumes: Sharon Stone

The Initiation (1984)

Scoop's comments in white:

The initiation is an 80s-style teen slasher film with college kids locked in a mall overnight with an insane killer. You know, the usual stuff.

The fact that it is a teen slasher movie is, incredibly enough, the good news.

The bad news is that it is not a good one.

• The deaths are neither creative nor grisly, and often take place off camera. The dead bodies are used as props to scare the audience by surprising those characters who are still still alive. It's the ol' "open the closet and a dead friend falls out" trick.

• The solution to the basic "psychological mystery" is one that is completely obvious to everyone except the characters in the film. Let's see, a twentyish girl has had recurring nightmares since age nine, and doesn't remember anything before that time. When she's analyzed in a dream monitoring lab, her brain waves are atypical for a dream state - as if she weren't "inventing" the dream. Now it should be obvious to you that her dream is not a series of  imaginary images, but real ones, and that her dream is actually a repressed memory from the period of early childhood which she can't remember. It may be obvious to you, but it was not obvious to the guy writing his Ph.D about dream analysis.

• The solution to the "murder mystery" is even worse. Two words: "evil twin".

• It's filled with sub-par acting performances, even by the lackadaisical standards of teen slasher films.

In short, the fully dressed portion of the entertainment is not really watchable. It's not very scary, or very grisly, or very mysterious, or very professional.

On the T&A side, there isn't much, but what there is is definitely worth watching, namely the full monty from future soap opera star Hunter Tylo, then known as Deborah Morehart. (Long story condensed: her real name is Deborah Jo Hunter, Morehart is her first husband's name, Tylo is her second husband's name.)

There is only one good reason to watch this movie, and you are about to see it

• Hunter Tylo (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

• Daphne Zuniga. No real nudity.  (Geez, I had a crush on her. And I was already in my thirties)

Afterglow (1997)

Scoop's notes in white:

"Nor I You"

In The Last Tycoon, the hands-on martinet of a studio boss makes one of his directors re-shoot a lengthy, complex, expensive scene between two superstars because one of the characters responds "nor I you" to a line something like "I'll never forget you, kid". His point was that although it is perfectly possible to construct and to understand that expression, its use is purely hypothetical. In the entire history of the English language, nobody has ever actually said that in such a situation.

Somebody should make director/writer Alan Rudolph watch that scene, because all of his characters talk like that. Nick Nolte plays a handyman in this film. I don't know how to imagine a more down-to-earth guy than Nick Nolte as a handyman. Maybe Art Carney as Ed Norton, or Billy Bob Thornton as a convenience store manager. Yet, although it is Nolte and he's fixin' stopped-up drains, he's firin' out subtle double entendres, bon mots, and "nor I yous" faster than Oscar Wilde on dexadrine. You'd think it was William F. Buckley playing to a big crowd in the final debate tournament of his senior year at Yale. In what is essentially a four character stage play, the other three main characters in this film all speak as pretentiously, as poetically, and as wittily as Nolte.

I hate that kind of artificial crap.

And you know what? I liked this movie.

Furthermore, the plot is something out of the most contrived 18th century French sex farce. A beautiful young woman wants a child and her aloof, successful husband is un-cooperative. Not to mention a total rearvent. Although it seems obvious that her marriage is completely fucked, her biological clock is ticking, so she vows to have a child by the next guy who walks in the door. A craggy, aging handyman walks in. True to her vow, she seduces him.

He's married, but his marriage is also fucked up, because of something that is revealed gradually, so he starts to get involved with the naive, sweet, beautiful young housewife. Soon his wife and her husband decide to spy on their mates. Needless to say, in the course of spying, the spouses run into one another, and become romantically involved, although Jonny Lee Miller was 25 years old, Julie Christie 56 at the time. They go away for a weekend. Their unfaithful spouses know nothing of it.

I hate that kind of artificial crap as well.

And I don't much care for static, talky four character stage plays, either.

And you know what? I still liked this movie.

I liked it partially because people approached and pulled away from one another in realistic ways. The relationship between Christie and Miller was an especially interesting one to watch. He pursues, she retreats, then she advances, he retreats, etc.

Most of all, I liked it because the script gradually pulled away all of the superficial layers of the characters, or at least as many as possible, and got deep inside of what was really wrong with them and their marriages in the first place. Then the film let these characters express some absolute and genuine anguish on screen. That is quite amazing to see inside of something that begins as a sex farce with Wildean dialogue.

I have hidden some important sub-plots from you so as not to spoil your journey into their psyches, or the resolution of their dilemma. I recommend the film, warts and all. There were times when this damned film irritated the hell out of me, but there was something about it that touched me eventually, and when it reached me, my connection to it lingered.

I guess it was the afterglow.

• Lara Flynn Boyle (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

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Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

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MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

• Irčne Jacob, the French actress showing off gorgeous breast and bum views in scenes from "The Big Brass Ring" (1999).

Be sure to pay Graphic Response a visit at his website. www.graphic-barry.com.

"Room to Rent"
There is topless nudity by some unnamed women making a porno in Room to Rent. Juliette Lewis keeps her clothes on but is very sexy, and Flaminia Cinque plays another porno actress.

• Juliette Lewis (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Flaminia Cinque
• Unknown

"House II - The Second Story"
It was only PG rated so there's not a lot of nudity in House II - The Second Story. Good pokies by Amy Yasbeck and sexy caps of Devin Devasquez, Jayne Modean and Lar Park-Lincoln.

• Amy Yasbeck (1, 2)
• Devin Devasquez (1, 2)
• Jayne Modean
• Lar Park-Lincoln

"No Night is Too Long"
Topless caps of Mikela J Mikael in No Night is Too Long.

• Mikela J Mikael (1, 2)

"Truth or Dare"
Topless caps of Helen Baxendale in Truth or Dare and cleavage by Susan Lynch.

• Helen Baxendale (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Susan Lynch

"The Possession of Joel Delaney"
More topless caps, this time of Barbara Trentham in The Possession of Joel Delaney.

• Barbara Trentham (1, 2)

"Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life"
A big fan of the first Lara Croft movie, I was fully prepared to be disappointed in the sequel, and I was. The movie lost it's video game roots, and in the process, lost some of it's appeal.

It's not so much that it's bad it just isn't nearly as good. Lara searches for the mythical Pandora's Box to protect the world from a maniac who would use the box to destroy the world.

While the movie has plenty of action, it isn't as sexy and exciting as the original, and it will disappoint many, especially those that liked the first one.

• Angelina Jolie