Lurkers (1988) is a Robert Findlay horror offering and came near the end of her horror career. I have yet to see a Findlay film that had what I would call an engrossing plot, and this is no exception. A woman, Christine Moore, is engaged, and returns to New York for the wedding. She has all sorts of nasty nightmares and flashbacks to her childhood, a demented mother, and the building where she grew up. Many revolve around the people who lurked around the building. Her fiancee, a professional photographer, takes her back to her old building for a party, and we learn, along with her, what the building and the lurkers really are.

Moore shows breasts in two scenes. Jodi Amrstrong, as a party guest shows breasts, and Annie Grindley and Ruth Corrine Collins, as photo models, also show breasts. IMDb readers have this a 3.0. I am not sure which of its many problems led them to this conclusion but I can't disagree. This one won't even survive on bad movie points. It is filmed competently, which isn't a huge surprise, as Roberta Findlay was originally a photographer, but the plot is to thin, and much too bizarre, and the films lacks the pace and suspense to make it work in the psychological horror genre. Lets call this one a D.

Perfume (2001)

It is amazing that somebody once thought this was a good idea.

Imagine this - the director decided to make a Robert Altman style movie about the fashion industry, despite the fact that the real Altman was unable to make a good one. (Pret a Porter is one of his poorest films.) I guess this one was supposed to work because everyone is naked in the first scene, while Altman foolishly waited until the last scene. Yup, that fixed the problem!

In fact, this film took all the elements that even Altman finds difficult to manage in Altman movies and made them even more challenging.

(1) This film expands Altman's improv techniques and makes them even more ambitious.

Altman likes to allow his actors some freedom to create characters and speak in dialogue appropriate to those characters. This film allowed the actors to improvise just about everything. This technique almost never works. Actors are not writers, for one thing. Even real writers do not create sparkling dialogue extemporaneously. The create, re-write, and polish. I don't know about you guys, but I can always tell when actors are improvising. They talk in a certain way, and they provide lots of "filler" to give them time to think: hand gestures, touching each other's faces, speech hesitations, pregnant pauses, grabbing for emotional moments. Most important, they never say anything interesting, so listening to improv is like listening to your neighbors speak, except that the discussion is condensed down to the most melodramatic moments, which forces the "soap opera paradigm": ten minutes of set-up per big emotional organ-chord moment.

• "You mean it's ... (organ chord) ... Freddie's child?"
• "Don't you even recognize me? Me, ... (organ chord) ... your long-lost daughter."

(2) This story manages even more characters than Altman might find comfortable

There are so many characters that the audience is left wondering who they are or why some of them were necessary at all. About 14,000 B-list actors make cameo appearances for no apparent reason. Some examples? Paul Sorvino, who is more or less the central character, has a son and daughter, and I was unable to see why the daughter was added to the film. She served no purpose and added one more person for the audience to keep track of (you need a scorecard). Harry Hamlin is in one scene, and I'm not even sure who his character was. Kyle MacLachlin and Chris Sarandon are stranded so far from a context that I have no idea at all who they were supposed to be or why the writers thought they would be useful to the plot. And so forth. You'll be watching this thinking, "OK, who is this again?". Of course, this leaves many characters stranded in limbo without any character development to support them. We get to know the characters played by Paul Sorvino, Jeff Goldblum, Leslie Mann, and Jared Harris. The rest are ... well, I hate to use this term to describe a film about fashion, but ... window dressing.

(3) There are several instances where multiple conversations are occurring simultaneously, and the sound track is picking up all of them, forcing us to guess at which ones might be important and try to focus our listening skills on those.

Only one person in the cast was truly good at the improv technique (Paul Sorvino), but even Big Pauly saddled himself down with a comical Chico Marx accent, and the writers stuck him with the ol' "dying of incurable cancer" plot line, so he ended up being forced to say things like "The doctor, he's-a say I haffa dee cancer. Ees-a no good. No-a good."

Oh, yeah, and the musical score is half hip-hop and half opera. (This parallels a plot development in which the Sorvino character may expand his house, adding a line of hip urban street fashions to his stuffy traditional line.)

So there you have it. Even though Altman failed to make a good Altman film about the fashion industry, director Michael Rymer decided to try it anyway, and made it even harder on himself by adding more characters, more overlapping conversations, more improv, and more chaos - to the extent than even the real Altman could not have managed so much chaos, even under the best of circumstances.

What can you say? The film went from Sundance to video, and Rymer followed up this film with Queen of the Damned, thus giving him a ticket straight to basic cable land.

Terrible movie. If you had access to this much talent, I don't know if you could make a worse movie intentionally. It's meandering, melodramatic, improvised, and apparently pointless.

• Various models (1, 2, 3, 4)

The Beast (1973 and 1976):

(From Scoopy and Striplight)

Walerian Borowczyk is one of cinema's most famous crackpots. In fact, I'll go one step beyond that. Although many complete crackpots have turned out  films, Borowczyk is probably the one with the most actual talent for it (possibly excepting David Lynch). He is a guy who might have made good and arty movies in the manner of the Italian masters, if only he had been sane. Borowczyk's best achievement is probably a beautifully filmed collection of erotic Eurotrash tales called Immortal Tales, but the Polish auteur is most famous, and most infamous, for the very bizarre story called The Beast.

In its original avatar, the Beast was an 18 minute short tale filmed in 1973. It was to have been part of five stories in Immoral Tales. It was basically a wordless story about a woman being chased through the woods, then raped, by a beast of some undefined sort. As the rape progresses, she begins to enjoy it. Mr. Beast is basically a man in a really bad gorilla suit with some kind of wolf head. The story was marked by frequent shots of the beast's enormous wanger ejaculating copiously all over the victim, all intercut with explicit shots of her genitals. 

Your basic shock-trash.

For various reasons, Borowczwk decided to pare down the Immoral Tales to a ribald foursome which did not include The Beast. That decision left him with an isolated 18 minute short. Since there is no market for 18 minute movies, Borowczyk spent part of the next three years writing a framing story around his original footage. In the expanded version, an American heiress comes to Europe to marry a down-on-his-luck French aristocrat. On the eve of her wedding, she is sleeping alone, really turned on, and guess what she dreams about?

Amazingly enough, she has an 18 minute dream about a woman being pursued by a beast!

Now that's economical filmmaking! As the story progresses, the American comes to suspect that her dream fantasy is real, and that the man she is to marry is the offspring of the beast and the countess in her dream.

The film includes extraordinarily graphic sex scenes, right up to the border of hardcore sex - everything but the penetration. It even has about six money shots, but of course it is not a human, but a beast - one who climaxes in gallons. When this film premiered in London in 1976, scalpers were selling tickets for £17 - something like a hundred bucks in today's dollars. The certification by the British film censors at the time (the Public Services and Safety Commission) turned out to be a major scandal, because only three of the fifteen members showed up for the certification screening/hearing, and it was passed uneventfully. I think they are still talking about it in London.

• The movie begins with two horses mating - close up of the male's penis, close up of the female's winking pinkness, close-up of the actual mating, and the withdrawal! Eight minutes into the film, that is still going on. Good stuff, eh? You might want to watch it with your kids at Christmas, instead of It's a Wonderful Life.
• The next scene is dialogue between an old guy with a bad haircut and another old guy with a bad haircut. One of the guys is supposed to be dusting an old family painting. We can actually see a huge cobweb hanging from the top of the painting, but when he finishes, he has brushed every part of the painting except where the big cobweb actually was, and it is still hanging there.
• With the possible exception of Tom Jones, this film probably sets the record for the most gratuitous use of harpsichord music.
• You will love all the pseudo-profound speeches about how man and the beast are indistinguishable!

Is this satire? Some people think so.

Whatever it is, it is certainly unique.

But don't be fooled by the fairly high score at IMDb. That's a cult-value thing. The photography is good, but the movie stinks worse than dead fish on a deserted beach. On the other hand, if you find it available for rental, pick it up and watch it in fast-forward, stopping at parts that interest you. You could probably make a much better movie at home with your family, but there is certainly plenty in this film to satisfy your curiosity about 70's-era Eurotrash.

Although it is a badly-dubbed, terrible movie (and not funny-terrible), you owe yourself a look at it because it is one of a kind.

DVD Notes: it has been issued in a three-disk special edition. Disk one is the movie itself, a beautifully remastered widescreen anamorphic transfer of the theatrical version. Disk three is the original uncut version, but don't be excited by this, because the additional four minutes just consists of boring speeches, and this version looks like a digitized VHS tape. The poor quality is exacerbated by the presence of black bars across the entire film to accommodate hard-coded subtitles. Disk two is a full-length documentary about the making of the film, but it has two major drawbacks (1) the sound has been lost (2) it does not include anything about the 18 minute "Beast" portion of the film made in 1973, and that's the only really interesting part.

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• Sirpa Lane shows every inch of her body, including gynecological close-ups.(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)
• Lisbeth Hummel is seen completely naked in several scenes. Although there is no open-leg shot, there are genital close ups. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15)
• Pascale Rivault is also seen completely naked. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Our contributor, Striplight, did some captures from the "making of" documentary. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Mailbox - HELP!!!!

Dear Uncle Scoopy,

I love your site and check it slightly over a zillion times a day. Recently it occurred to me that you might be the one person on this earth who can help me solve a mystery that has tormented me for years.

About 5 or 6 years ago, I taped some scenes from a B-movie on Cinemax, because I thought the woman was really beautiful--exactly my type.  Over the years I've savored these taped scenes, and I've realized that I would really love to see any other movies that this woman has appeared in.  The problem is, I don't know her name--and I don't even know the name of the movie on Cinemax that I saw her in.

I am attaching three pictures I took of my TV screen with scenes from this movie playing.  I would be eternally grateful if you can tell me the
name of this actress, or at least the name of this movie.  Or, if you know any Cinemax connoisseurs who might recognize the movie, I would be grateful if you could forward my e-mail to them.  [If it helps--the movie is about a father who ends up sleeping with his son's girlfriend, and, in one of the scenes captured in the attached photos, the son fools around with his father's girlfriend (the mystery actress).]

Many thanks,
B.
 

Here are the pics of the beautiful, red-headed, big-busted Mystery Woman: (1, 2, 3)

Scoop's note: Cinemax is outside my area of expertise, so I need some help from Brainscan or Scorpion or Junior or Crimson Ghost or one of you other guys who is familiar with the babes of softcore.

Other Crap:

• Maher Claims Ex Is Serial Shakedown Artist : "Denying an ex-girlfriend's legal claim that he used racial slurs and assaulted her, comedian Bill Maher has fired back at the woman, describing her as a would-be extortionist who launched a campaign to embarrass and humiliate the HBO star after the demise of the pair's ten-month relationship."
• Headline of the day. Urine may cause bridge to collapse. Boy, if I were driving on it, that would really piss me off.
• Could an obscure inscription on a 250-year-old monument in a Staffordshire garden point the way to the Holy Grail? I thought it was right next to the pot o' gold at the end of the rainbow. My mistake. I must be thinking of the other Holy Grail.
• What exactly does the weatherman mean when he says "X percent chance of rain"?
• Here's the new version of the trailer for William Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice. Unfortunately this version was written not by William Shakespeare the Elizabethan playwright, but William Shakespeare, the fishing pole guy. In this particular version of the story, it is about a Venetian Jew who retails sporting goods. ("If you pass to us, do we not shoot?") While it does not feature particularly elegant iambic pentameter, it does have some great tips on fly-tying.
• The Sacred Cheese Sandwich visits The Big Easy.
• The trailer and three clips from Assisted Living. "Assisted Living follows 21-year-old Todd through his final day of work as a janitor at a nursing home. Todd smokes pot frequently on the job, which allows him to enjoy the surreal environment of the assisted living facility. He also breaks the monotony of his days with entertaining—and extremely unprofessional—diversions involving the residents: he rides through the halls in borrowed wheelchairs; he plays pool and Scrabble with them; he even plays God on the telephone, giving residents the illusion of speaking to their departed loved ones in heaven. But however much these activities cheer the seniors, Todd's behavior angers the staff and undermines the policies of the home. It is ultimately Todd's interactions with Mrs. Pearlman—a statuesque resident who longs for a visit from her son—that jeopardize his job. Mrs. Pearlman, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, has difficulty distinguishing the real world from her memories of it. As her odd friendship with Todd develops, she begins to mistake the janitor for her son. When Todd in turn begins to assume the role, he rediscovers his own humanity and instigates a transformation for them both."
• The battle to own the next generation of DVD: 4 studios back Toshiba's HD DVD over SONY's Blu-Ray
• Canadian scientists will try to fly Leonardo Da Vinci's Original ORNITHOPTER
• Music companies versus Kazaa in Aussie courtroom.
• HARDEESGIRL.COM - The new Hardees commercial which is raising some feminist hackles.
• Hairspray - the film - based upon the Broadway play - based upon ... um ... the other film.
• Actor John Drew Barrymore Dies at 72: His famous daughter, Drew Barrymore, said, "He was a cool cat. Please smile when you think of him."
• Who says musicals are dead? It's Karate Kid, the Musical. Featuring such song hits as "Wax Off"
• VERY P.I. Childrens Books. Some of them are very funny.
• Here's the trailer for Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The site says the film will be released June 10, 2005. That may be the latest, but industry rumors have been saying that this film is a mess and some scenes need to be reshot. It isn't easy to get big stars like Pitt and Jolie back for re-shooting. Even if you can work out the money angle, their schedules are difficult to coordinate. Let's take a "wait and see" position on this one.
• Chiefs fracas kept under wraps last week. The Chiefs may have a tiny morale problem.
• Follow the Cheese - the Sacred Sandwich traverses the Bayou Country.
• Best college football prank ever.
• More raw footage from Fallujah. The video shows a unit atop a roof firing on insurgents, calling in M1 Abrams support and ultimately showing the demise of some insurgents. The previous link goes to streaming video. If you prefer to download it, go here instead.
• Jamie Lee Curtis says she is quitting movies because she's too old and fat.
• Writer David Goyer discusses his scripts for Blade:Trinity and Batman Begins, as well as his directing debut with Blade:Trinity
• Like most kids, Beckham's boys get a wooden fort - except theirs costs a quarter of a million dollars! It has electricity, and is bigger than the homes of the guys who built it. The Church of England has now officially changed a famous hymn to "A Mighty Fortress is Our God, but not quite as mighty as the one owned by Beck's kids."
• The trailer for 5x2 Five Times Two by acclaimed director Francois Ozon . A young couple, Gilles and Marion in their 30's, filmed in five crucial parts of their life.
• The trailer for Dolls: "Three contemporary stories inspired by the everlasting emotions expressed by the precious dolls of Bunraku theater. Three stories delicately intertwined by the beauty of sadness. Three stories of undying love." Better hurry and order your tickets now. This one is selling out fast.
• Weekly World News advises: HOW TO 'FLIP' A PLATONIC FRIEND
  - and turn her into a sex machine! One tip: "GET HER ON THE REBOUND. It's no coincidence that Dennis Rodman is one of the greatest rebounders in NBA history and also one of the most prolific studs in America"
• Eva Longoria says the hottest kisser in showbiz is ... (You'll never guess)
• Four free sample vids from Playboy Big Breast Babes!
• Playmate Gallery - Anka Romensky, February of 2002 - - Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!
• BUSH KILLS TURKEY, PARDONS TOM DELAY INSTEAD. Departure From Thanksgiving Tradition
• Remembering Sharon Tate

Other Crap archives. May also include newer material than the links above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Words from Scoop.

.avi's from Shiloh.

.wmv files made by Scoop from Shiloh's .avi's.

NOTE: because of a unique combination of circumstances with the Windows media player and some substantial bandwidth theft, we will have to do all of our movie files in zip format. Left click on the files as you normally would to view a picture. When you get a choice, click on "save", and put it on your hard drive in the directory of your choice. UnZIP and play from there.

I know this is not especially convenient, but it allows the film clips to continue. I can protect .zip files from hot-linking in the same way I can protect still images. For some reason, if I protect .avis and .wmvs from hot-linking, they will not play in the Windows media player, and I can't get a satisfactory work-around. Perhaps I will find a better solution, but for now this new policy allows you to continue getting the movie clips you want to see, which is much preferable to my abandoning the clips altogether.

Perhaps these tips will help if you have trouble with the codecs for these movies:

Shiloh says:

FYI when I hypercam vids to make the file size smaller I use DivX MPEG-4 Fast-Motion for the video compressor, then I use virtualdub to compress the audio. The properties for the vids says the video codec:  DivX Decoder Filter & audio codec:  Morgan Stream Switcher which I'm not familiar with. When I compress the audio with virtualdub I use MPEG Layer-3.  A friend of mine told me about compressing the audio about (6) mos. ago. Like I said previously, only been capping for a year & a half & I'm no expert. Hopefully this info will help members with the proper codecs for my vids.

 

When I cap big brother's I use hypercam mostly & sdp & asfrecorder if the set up allows me. I stopped using camtasia cause the file sizes were always too big, could never figure out the process, over my head lol, plus it cost too much to buy in my opinion.

A reader says:

You mentioned that some users were having trouble with the videos on your site. There is a tool designed to determine what codec is needed for a video. http://www.headbands.com/gspot/ Hope this is useful to you or your users.

Scoop says:

I made the .wmv versions of each video. The codecs for these: Windows Video V8, Windows Audio 9. The upside of these is that you know the codecs, and they'll play in the Windows Media Player. The downside is that they are slightly larger, and slightly lower quality.

Scoops, after a long absence with an even longer story behind it...I'm back! So let's get to it!

First up a look at Erika Parker in "House of the Dead", Topless showing off a great set.

• Erika Parker (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7)

Then we crank up the old time machine for a trip back to 1976 and the "Jackson County Jail". And what do we have but a "Damsel in Distress", it's Yvette Mimieux as she is attacked and raped by the deputy on duty. Yvette shows some boob & leg.

• Yvette Mimieux (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13)

Good to be back!

Scoops, here are two more girls showing some skin in scenes from the first season of the UK TV series, "Urban Gothic". Sadly there was no nudity in the second season.

• Flora Montgomery, bares her breasts in a couple of scenes.

• Virgina Clay shows some partial breast and see-thru views in links #1 and #2. In #3 we see a rear view with some pubes. (1, 2, 3)

Scoops,

Today it's a cleavage-only batch of pictures, but we still have some nice skin to look at.

• Aline Hochscheid as the blonde secretary from the series "Papa ist der Boss"

• Charlotte Schwab almost falling out of her dress on the latest "Tatort"

• Elisabeth Romano doing the "Disclosure"-thing on "Samt und Seide". It's not quite Demi and Michael, but it will do.

• Michaela May as a Bavarian "Biergarten"-waitress on "Polizeiruf 110"

• Philippa Galli from the typically Austrian-TV no-happy-ending-movie "Meine schöne Tochter"

• Sophie Schütt getting ready for a night out on "Typisch Sophie"

• Susann Uplegger partying in a nice dress on "Ein Fall für zwei"

• Ursula Gottwald in underwear on a recent episode of "Der Bulle von Tölz"

WOMEN USE SEX TO CONTROL MEN
From The Journal "Duh" - The UK's Sun tabloid reports that a new survey found 8 in 10 women use sex or the promise of it to keep their men in line and get them to do what they want. Three-quarters of women claim they are in charge in the bedroom. About half of men said they rely on "Brownie points," or doing what women want, to get sex. Just one-third of men use sex to get what they want.