Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo (2005):

This film manages to milk 80-90 minutes of "humor" out of about a half dozen comic premises:

1. It's funny to come up with new words for male body parts and sexual functions, as they would be used in the high-stakes gigolo trade, if such a thing really existed on the same mass-market level as female prostitution: mangina, shenis, man-bitch, mouth to south, etc.

2. It's even funnier to have Eddie Griffin constantly caught in positions that force him to deny that he's gay. When he's accused of being a gay murderer, he doesn't care about the murderer part.

3. It's fun to take the outrageous sexual faux-practices like the Dirty Sanchez rename them. For example, calling a sexual specialty a "Filthy Lopez" is side-splittingly hilarious. And don;t even get me started on a Copenhagen Steamer.

4. Eddie Griffin looks funny in outrageous Halloween disguises. 

5. Nothing is wackier than obsessive-compulsive disorder. (Actually, that one might work as a comic premise for the Farrelly Brothers, but it seems to be out of Rob Schneider's reach.)

6. Asians have small penises.

7. Everything is legal in Amsterdam.

That's about it, except for the "women with physical deformities" humor derived directly from the first Deuce Bigalow. Among the Deucemeister's clients, one woman has enormous ears, another has a penis for a nose, and so forth.

The critics, for reasons seemingly inexplicable, did not think the formula was strong enough to justify an expenditure of $22 million dollars. Can you believe it? Producer Adam Sandler obviously disagreed, and managed to find investors somewhere, or maybe financed it out of his pocket change, or something.  Sandler was not entirely deluded in his belief. While the film did not become a hit, it did somehow take in $22 million at the box office. Once the suits finish selling off the various rights and tying up the packages, this project might manage to break even or better, and I'm sure Rob Schneider was more than happy to pocket the hefty paychecks which Sandler must have made out to the head writer and lead actor.

That might be depressing if you think about it too much.

As for me ... well, I think you go into a Rob Schneider movie or a David Spade movie with a certain set of expectations. Within the reasonable limits of those parameters, this film is about what you would expect. It's filled with lowest-brow humor and juvenile gross-outs.  It is certainly on the usual Schneider Scale, albeit at the lower end of that scale because it stretches its comic ideas much too thin and repeats its jokes far too often.

On the other hand, if you are somehow deluded into renting this DVD by thinking it's a film from Kenneth Branagh or The Coen Brothers, you might end up a bit disappointed.

There is some nudity in the special "assume the position" edition, but it is barely worth mentioning.

The credits list two "topless weather girls," but it seems to me that these two scenes both involve the same girl. It must be either Monika Kucskowska or Astrid Knoops, although IMDb somehow managed to come up with a third name (Rachel Bachofner) which I could not find in the film's ending credits.
This character is named "Ilsa," and appears only in a brief flashback. I could not find her in the credits.
This is Katie Downes, repeating a wet t-shirt formula that worked in the first Deuce Bigalow movie. This was the only scene in the movie which seemed sexy to me.

Sexual Life (2005):

This is a relationship-centric dramedy which manages a complete sexual ronde. A has a relationship with B, B with C, C with D, and so forth until the last character completes the circle by having a relationship with A.

Since we see each of the characters in two relationships, we see how the interaction in one situation offers us insight into the same character's motivations in the other situation. We see one or two characters claim that they are not sleeping with anyone else when we have seen evidence to the contrary. We see a woman in love with two men. She chooses to marry one and the other is heartbroken, but then we see that the one she has chosen is not all that comfortable with the upcoming wedding, thus making the earlier character's genuine heartbreak all the more painful.

This film doesn't cover any new ground, but the situations feel like they really come out of middle class America. The underlying theme is that a good portion of our lives consists of fooling others and even ourselves.  Several of the performances are solid, so on balance it is a film which will not strike you as especially good or bad, but which you will probably not remember a few days after you have seen it.

I would have liked it a lot better if it had offered some genuine nudity from the POV of the sexual partners, as opposed to the peek-around-the-corner kind of nudity the offers only passing glimpses (except for one of the guys!) I'm not sure why the nudity was so demure. Clearly, the modest level of nudity from the stars was not done to obtain a certain MPAA rating because there is a completely naked background stripper, even though the sexual principals never really show very much!

Anne Heche
Kerry Washington
Azura Skye
unknown

Other Crap:

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

Immagini di un Convento (1979)

Images in a Convent is a soft-core nunsploitation film from Joe D'Amato with a smattering of hard-core action at the end. D'Amato explains that as a boy in Italy, he considered nuns erotic, hence his choice of topic.

A countess (Paola Senatore) is stuck in a convent per the last request of her dead father, which was intended to keep her from the arms of her lusty uncle. She expresses her true feelings to her mother superior by wearing her habit with breasts exposed. The nunnery is a hot bed of lesbian activity, and while Senatore is having an erotic dream about her handsome uncle, Paola Maiolini exposes and fondles her. Then Maiolini is caught by Marina Frajese, who takes her to the cellar, strips and whips her, then eats her pussy.

Things heat up when an injured young man is given refuge at the convent.  He bears a remarkable resemblance to an evil statue in the garden, but Senatore sees him as her ticket out. Convinced that the devil has certainly possessed the convent, the mother superior soon sends Marina Frajese to fetch an exorcist. She is raped on the way. The exorcist finally shows up to a whole convent full of fornicating and masturbating nuns. The bit of hard-core content comes toward the end, first when there is clear oral sex in the rape scene, and later when one nun uses a wooden dildo on another.

D'Amato began his career as a photographer, and this background shows through in many scenes. Even with the drab color palette required by a convent setting, he was able to create visually interesting scenes. This is exploitation at its best: a reasonably coherent story as an excuse for good photography of nearly non-stop sex and nudity, with the added benefit of a sacrilegious attitude. IMDb readers have this at a respectable 5.6, which is good for a Eurotrash effort, and well deserved. It is as good as Eurotrash exploitation gets.

Paola Senatore

Paula Maolini

Marina Frajese

Unknown

Naked Nuns

 

The nudity in Stateside (2004) comes from some topless pole dancers (first two collages). Rachel Leigh Cook adds some eye candy (last two).

Laws of Attraction (2004) is a mediocre romantic movie and even Julianne Moore in her underwear can't save it.

It's also underwear only in A Boy Called Hate (1996), this time by Missy Crider.

Rhona Mitra is down to her underwear in Highwaymen (2003).

Melanie Mayron gives us a brief topless view in Harry and Tonto (1974).

No nudity in Se7en (1995), just some sexy images of Gwyneth Paltrow.

Some nice pokies by Lisa Marcos  (first two) in Threshold (2003)  and cleavage by Chantal Quesnelle (right).

Another Harry Callahan movie, Sudden Impact shows us a topless Lisa London (left) and pokies by Sondra Locke (right).

Some nice pokies by Jennifer Lopez in Anaconda (first two) and cleavage by Kari Wuhrer (right).

Pokies and cleavage by Lana Litwak in The Second Front (2003).

The same again in Terminal Velocity (1994), but this time by Catherine de Prume.

Dominique Swain is in her undies in Face-Off (1997), a movie that stretches the credibility gap.

Similarly, Sanaa Lathan is down to her underwear in Out of Time (2003).

Stacy Houge is down to her underwear and Mimi Craven takes a shower in Vampire Clan (2002).

Some pokies by Susan George in the appalling Enter the Ninja (1982).

Jennifer Jason Leigh (first four) and Maia Danziger (final) are both topless in Last Exit to Brooklyn (1990).

Jodie Foster is topless in Contact (1997) but nothing is visible.

Plenty of topless nudity in Intoxicating (2003) by Laurie Baranyay (first three) and Camilla Overbye Roos (last two).

Victoria Smurfit is topless in The Run of the Country (1995).

Another National Lampoon movie is Holiday Reunion (2003). Pokies by Penelope Ann Miller (first three) and lovely caps of Meghan Ory (next four) and Britt Irvin (last one).

She sounds like a dipstick when I've heard her interviewed but Daryl Hannah still looks mighty good in Silver City (2004).