Rush (1991) is the story of two undercover narcs in a small Texas town. Jason Patric has been on the job for a while, but needs a new partner. Something about Jennifer Jason Leigh catches his eye, and they team up. In this town, they buy narcotics, turn them in to their boss, and then receive money for another buy and the bust. Their chief, who is a fundamentalist, is after the man who runs a local club, and most of the porn in the area. He is convinced that he is also the biggest drug dealer. IN the course of their buys, they often have to sample the drugs to gain the pushers trust. First, Leigh gets hooked. After she cleans up, Patric gets hooked.

Then the captain orders them to plant evidence on the bad guy. Meanwhile, Patric and Leigh are playing house together. The do as ordered, the bad guy makes bail, and the last act is all about revenge.

IMDB readers have this at 6.3 of 10, and it did not do well at the box office. Ebert liked it at four stars. For me, the story was more about the relationship between Patric and Leigh, but I just didn't see the love interest develop, and didn't think they had chemistry. Take away the romance, and it was a cop variation on the drugs suck theme. Leigh shows buns near the end, when Patric does her doggy to keep her mind off the fact that she needs a fix. In an earlier sex scene, we some of her breast. I grabbed every frame from the scene and brightened it, and am still not sure if we are seeing part of a nipple or not. This is a C. It looks good and has decent pace, but the plot was a little too predictable, and I was not happy with any of the plot resolutions, even the sub-plots.

The last two months of the celeb mags. Most of the images come from Celebrity Sleuth

• Rose McGowan gets my award for the least consistent celebrity. She can look absolutely beautiful, as she does here, or frumpy.  She can turn in a solid acting performance, or an atrocious one. Which Rose will show up tomorrow? I don't much case, because all possible Roses prefer to be more or less naked in public.
• Nicole Kidman ended up with an uncovered nipple at the BAFTA awards.
• I guess a lot of you guys like Asia Argento. She sure doesn't cook my goose, but here she is, sunning topless this summer, and she certainly has some ripe casabas.
• Emmanuelle Seigner (1, 2, 3, 4) must be one sexy babe, because Roman Polanski kept sleeping with her evne after she reached puberty.
• In keeping with Sleuth's theme of celebrity sisters, here is Emmanuelle's sister, Mathilde Seigner. You guys who appreciate natural untrimmed bushes have found your dream gal.
• Speaking of sisters, here are rich white society's designated bims, the Hilton sisters. Hey, they may have scored below 400 on their college boards, but they're gorgeous, and they spend more money in a night than you'll ever see in your lifetime.
  • Paris Hilton (1, 2, 3)
  • Nicky Hilton (1, 2)
• Penelope Cruz has a look-alike sister named Monica who has all of Penelope's advantages without having appeared in Captain Corelli's Mandolin. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• You wouldn't know it, but Liv Tyler, possessor of one of the prettiest faces in the world, has a weight problem. She was an obese child, and even now tends to put on weight as soon as she stops starving herself. In Lord of the Rings she was downright skinny, limited by her contract to a maximum of 129 pounds, which is not a lot of weight for a girl close to six feet tall. (Celebs with weight problems or eating disorders are often forced to abide by such clauses - Tiffany Thiessen is another one.)  As soon as that LOTR contract no longer bound Liv, she proudly announced an additional 30 pounds on her frame. You can see her on the chubbier side of her adult weight in Dr T and the Women, but she normally stays slim for films. When she was young, she was built like her sister Mia. They surely are not built alike any more. We don't have any Liv pics, but here are two of sister Mia (1, 2) and her mammoth chest, showing you what Liv might look like if she were not a movie star.

OTHER CRAP:

• URL says it all: www.blackpeopleloveus.com
• Dave Barry's guide to Christmas gifts, 2002
• 1200 Santas in one place
• Halle's husband cheated on her on their wedding day, and on her Oscar night. So, I'm kinda lost - why does she need this guy, exactly?
• Shocking statement: England and Wales have the highest crime rate among the world's leading economies
• Leo Dicaprio - party monster and future democratic presidential nominee, celebrates his 28th birthday in Vegas with booze and strippers. Sinatra, Dino, and Satan drink a toast to Dicaprio from the young star's future eternal home.
• Funny article - some quotes:  "Trust me, Darwin hates seat belt laws." "No. I am not saying we should kill stupid people. I am simply saying we shouldn't stop stupid people from killing themselves." "These idiots we save from their own irrationality reproduce and create even more brainless people. Before you know it, you have California."
• An Indian man has designed what is thought to be the world first condom-shaped motorbike. I suppose it was the first, given that the race to create one wasn't exactly reminiscent of the race to the Poles.

Updates:

• updated encyclopedia volumes for Rebecca DeMornay, Amanda Donohoe, Milla Jovovich.

Shameless Propaganda, part 7:

Pat Reeder is a guy whose name is not familiar to you, but who touches your life almost every day. He's the guy who steals your other sock from the dryer, and he now has a collection of more than 133 million unmatched socks.

OK, maybe not.

He's actually the guy who writes the jokes that your DJ tells every morning during your drive to work.  He's also the guy who writes those Comedy Wire things that you see on the bottom of this page from time to time. If you wonder why your DJ and the Fun House tell the same jokes, Pat's the reason. At the moment, Pat has a new book out called "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers."  It's a "reverse self-help" book that helps the reader attain success by avoiding nine stupid mistakes made by failures and idiots.  He illustrates his points with over 200 hilarious-but-true stories from his syndicated radio service, "The Comedy Wire."

If you like weird news and dumb criminal stories, or if you've ever been forced to suffer through a boring business/self-help book like "Who Moved My Cheese?", you'll love "Nine Hallmarks of Highly Incompetent Losers."  It earned four stars from Wireless Flash News, and will be in bookstores nationwide next spring, but you can get the jump on the rest of America and get it now through Pat's website.  Cheaper than Amazon and every copy is personally autographed! 

Click here (http://www.comedy-wire.com/bookorderpage.html) for a book excerpt, Real Audio updates on "Losers In The News," samples of the Comedy Wire and more. 

NINE HALLMARKS OF HIGHLY INCOMPETENT LOSERS

Chapter Seven:  Lose Your Cool

...Getting a little wild or a bit misty is perfectly acceptable at weddings, funerals and most major holidays other than Arbor Day.  But if
you cannot control your emotions, they will control you, and they have a way of grabbing the steering wheel at the worst possible times and giving it a good, hard yank...

Here is what can happen to people who allow themselves to get flustered, frustrated, infuriated or just plain bumfuzzled...

*   A Massachusetts couple hosted their own cable access show to find homes for stray cats.  During one broadcast, the technician let the tape roll too long, and viewers were treated to three minutes of footage of the man getting frustrated with a dozen kittens that wouldn't hold still and railing profanely at them.  Upset viewers complained that he used the "F-word" about 50 times and accused him of verbal abuse of cats.  He was eventually allowed back on the air after pleading that he had been having a really bad day.  As would anyone who was trying to make a dozen cats hold still.

*   A middle-aged woman in West Sussex, England, heard a strange sound at her home and thought burglars were drilling into a building next door. Panicked, she called the police, who rushed over but couldn't find anything.  However, they could hear the noise inside her house and tracked it to her bedroom.  It was coming from a vibrating sex toy that had gotten switched on inside her dresser.  Police said they tried very hard to keep a straight face because they felt so sorry for the embarrassed woman.  And now, when her neighbors call the police to report hearing a woman screaming, they just let it go...

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

"French Quarter"(1977) is The Wizard of Oz meets Showgirls. A young country woman (Alisha Fontaine) who after a brief stint working as a New Orleans stripper mysteriously finds herself back in time at a 19th century cajun bordello in New Orleans.

The video is long out of print and copies floating around is the tv version with all the nudity removed. Luckily it has been shown in Canada on cable uncut.

Alisha Fontaine
• buns and nipple pasties shaking her booty in strip club
• nipples getting her photo taken at bordello
• buns and breasts at virgin auction
• boobs and partial buns in love scene
• topless at voodoo seance, up close and personal panty crotch shot
• finally rescued from voodoo witch. It's so good to be home

• Ann Michelle: topless in voodoo seance, then topless in bed.
• Laura Misch Owens: hefmag bunny shows some boobs having some hot lesbo lovin' with Ann Michelle.
• Lindsay Bloom (Miss USA 1972): upskirt, topless at party.
• Dino Head: breasts, buns and butt shaking her booty at modern strip club. The last frame is a spread eagled strip tease at bordello.
• Cheryl Kipe: buns and nipple pasties.

"Teenage Tramp" (1973) is another movie starring Alisha Fountaine this time playing a young teen runaway. The video is long out of print and is only available from the UK which seems to be heavily censored.

Alisha Fontaine
• nipple flash getting manhandled in truck
• boobs and butt skinnypping in pool, very obsure bush while diving
• nude love scene
• topless after dress ripped off

Last but not least, Alisha Fontaine shows boobs and butt as prostitute in "Natural Enemies" (1979), unfortunately this is her last movie.

• Alisha Fontaine

A little 'Hankster Lite" today. Last time we showed you Karen Thomas in "The Secret Sex Lives of Romeo & Juliet" as she was strung up and given a whipping. Today she has been released and shows us some more boob shots.

• Karen Thomas (1, 2, 3, 4)

Then it's on to even lighter fare as we peek in on cute Cameron Diaz in "Vanilla Sky". No nudity,but still sexy.

• Cameron Diaz (1, 2, 3, 4)

Original Appleton pic

In reality it's one of the Appleton sisters (either Natalie or Nicole I can't recall offhand) and we've included the original.