Sexy Movie (2003) -- Day Two. Two actresses do the bulk of the nudity and simulated sex, Kaylynn and Mary Ellen, doing both girl/girl with each other, and girl/guy. They reveal everything in bright light outdoors near the end of the film. The images labeled both are of the two of them together. Kyle Biscayne, as a porn distributor, buys the movies made by our heroes, and ends up romantically involved with one of them. She also shows everything. An unknown, who dates the promoter of the duo, also shows everything, but had no character name despite a lengthy scene. She is unknown 1. Unknowns 2 through 5 show breasts auditioning for a part in a film.

This film has not been discovered by IMDB as yet. It has an almost unprecedented amount of nudity, including gyno-cam shots of all the leads, very clear camera work, interesting and sometimes passionate sex scenes, and a slightly better than average story for the genre. This is somewhere between C and C+, and is highly recommended for genre fans.

Updates:

• Updated volume: Maria Bello, Naomi Watts

The Cooler (2003)

William H Macy plays the complete loser, a guy whose luck is so bad that a Las Vegas casino uses him as a "cooler" to change the luck of a room or a player. All it takes is one touch from him, sometimes just his presence nearby, for luck to stop being a lady for a high roller with a hot hand.

What does he get as compensation for this uncanny talent? Virtually nothing. He is working as a cooler for minimal wages, in order to pay off a massive gambling debt incurred by the very bad luck which now makes him valuable. As the story begins, he is only seven days from paying off his debt, and has told the old-fashioned casino owner (Alec Baldwin), who is also his boyhood friend, that he's going to leave when his time is up.

Baldwin doesn't want his old friend and meal ticket to leave, and is so desperate to retain his "cooler" that he hires a sexy cocktail waitress to seduce the poor schmuck. Her assignment: make him fall in love, and get him to stay in Vegas, working at the Shangri-La. There is a major pitfall in Baldwin's plan - the loser and the cocktail waitress really fall in love with each other, and as soon as the loser is no longer a loser in love, his supernatural cooling ability also disappears. The vengeful Baldwin takes forceful, violent measures to split the lovers, who fight back in the hope of staying together.

Macy was born to play this role. With his hangdog face, shambling walk, and humble Midwestern demeanor, accented by the worst wardrobe in current memory, he looks like nothing more than a career retail guy, the permanent assistant night manager at a Wisconsin Wal-Mart, a lifelong bachelor so honest he is allowed to handle the receipts, but so unassertive that he never even asks for a day off. I thought the love affair between Macy and Maria Bello was completely charming. When Bello suggests that they go back to his place, Macy assumes she must be a hooker, and asserts that he can't afford her. He has no idea what to do in bed, but things work their way out eventually. No matter how well things seem to be going, Macy knows that something is bound to go wrong, just because he knows his own nature. After all, he's a man who can make a hardscrabble living by being the world's unluckiest guy, what are the chances that he'd land a major babe as a girlfriend? As it turns out, his pessimism is justified - at first.

By the way, the main sex scene between Macy and Bello is very entertaining. Macy is the perennial loser who sits awake sleepless each night while people cavort noisily in the next room, so when he finally gets a hot girlfriend, he talks her into staging a performance specifically for the benefit of his noisy neighbors. Macy and Bello are screaming wild sex talk, but are actually only using the bed as a trampoline.

That's a pretty good yarn to begin with, but there are several interesting sub-plots interweaving with it, the most important of which shows Baldwin's old-time casino mentality pitted against the new corporate guys who want to convert the traditional Shangri-La to the new kind of Vegas family entertainment, complete with roller coasters and day care centers. It's a great role for Baldwin, who gets to play the sympathetic angle as the noble bastion of traditional purist values fighting against the encroachment of slimy corporate conformism, but also gets to demonstrate an uncontrolled temper as the kneecap breaker. The audience hates him when he turns his anger against Macy's friends and family, but loves him when he busts the faces of the Harvard boys. At one point, the Harvard MBA tells Baldwin that he needs to incorporate a more muted color palette into the casino's wallpaper, which eventually leads to the best confrontation in the movie, in which Baldwin beats up the young wise-ass in the bathroom, and threatens to use the young man's blood on the garish green walls to create a more muted palette.

It is a modern independent film in name only. It's a cute, old-fashioned Hollywood movie at heart, a dark love story from the back alleys of film noir. Take away the explicit scenes of sex and violence, take away the contemporary references, and this might easily be a script from the late 1940s or early 1950s, with Jimmy Stewart as the loser who somehow comes out ahead when he shows some backbone, and James Cagney as the good/bad casino owner.

• A few additional Bello collages from me (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• This is the complete series of caps from LC. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)

• find more caps in yesterday's (December 1) edition

OTHER CRAP:

• Hardcore Puppet Porn

• All-gay punk band Pansy Division reportedly dedicated their rabid anti-Bush song, Political Asshole, to the first daughter, Babraba, who was in the audience.

• Things continue to be ugly in the Magic Kingdom. In an hour-long interview with LA TIMES on Tuesday departing Disney board member Gold claims 'Eisner called him and others -- including Pixar Chairman Steve Jobs -- 'Shiite Muslims.'

• The controversial animal rights group PETA is urging people to go vegetarian with a billboard that shows the Virgin Mary cradling a chicken carcass. The billboard includes the phrase, 'Go Vegetarian. It's an Immaculate Conception.'

• DARLENE & CAROL BERNAOLA, co-playmates in January 2000, Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!

• Stacy Sanches, 1996 Playmate of the Year, Playmate Gallery Courtesy of PlayboyPlus.com!

• Elin Nordegren (Tiger's fiancee) and her twin sister

• Paris Hilton and pal Nicole Richie remain dense and unlikable down on the farm

• Malaysia's brazen software pirates are hawking the next version of Microsoft's Windows operating system years before it is supposed to be on sale. It is selling for less than two dollars.

• Cute little r-rated film clip from The Girl Next Door.

• Sphincterine - for a fresh, minty ass

• BowLingual: The Dog Bark Translator: for people with too much money

• Back to the NBA for the Phoenix Suns Dancers

• The website of photographer Sean McCall

• The Adriana Lima Café

• Johnny Rotten and Kournikova to appear in I'm a Celebrity???

• Store in knots over catalogue's spoof contents: "More than 300,000 copies of a shop's Christmas catalogue may have to be withdrawn because it contains spoof items."

• Which historical lunatic are you?

• Bullshit Bingo: "Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here is a way to change all of that!"

• Renee Zellweger: "I was followed around Heathrow (airport) by a guy who wanted to take a picture of my backside. I don't understand the obsession."

• When Good Rock Goes Horribly Wrong - 25 Albums that should not have been recorded.

• The Paris Hilton video re-enacted with dolls

• Singer Mandy Moore insisted on having a bottom double in her new movie Chasing Liberty because she didn't want fans to see her naked on the big screen.

• Check out this picture of Halle as Catwoman. Click on that little picture, and prepare to be impressed.

• Rumsfeld Ramble Wins 'Foot in Mouth' Award for the most baffling comment of 2003.

• Coppola Unsure Why Her Movie Doing Well Well, that fact that she didn't act in it helped quite a bit.

• Famed Science Fiction Author Philip K. Dick Gets Official at PhilipKDick.com; Rare And Unpublished Materials Revealed For The First Time.

• What a year for movies: Gigli, From Justin to Kelly, Boat Trip, The Cat in the Hat, and now Timeline. I'll still take last year's selections: Swept Away and Pinocchio.

• David Beckham came up to an actor playing a real estate agent in a TV ad, and asked his advice on buying the house they were filming in.

• Michael Douglas has admitted watching outtakes featuring a naked Janet Leigh when Alfred Hitchcock was making Psycho."

• The Art of James Bond

• The world's Top Ten Most Fascinating Urinals

• Newsweek quotes the Mouseketeer as saying she's 'been into a lot of Indian spiritual religions.' Is Hinduism one of them? She replies: 'What's that? Is it like kabbalah?' "

• Tony Blair's English worse than George Bush's? That's unpossible.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

A bunch of unknown babes giving up all the goods, including many views from the gyno-cam and lots of lesbian lovin' and 3-ways.

• Thumbnail Previews
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• Nekkid babes working the brass pole. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)
• Lesbian lovin' with up close gyno-views! (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14)
• 3-way "biatches" (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11)

"Tapped Out"
Two aspiring Rap artists get more than they bargained for when the get discovered by a crooked record promoter. Yeah, if the plot sounds familiar, it is.

The story's predictable, but the movie is still interesting to watch, if only for the lovely young ladies appearing throughout.

• Assorted unknowns

TERMINATOR MAY CAN DIRTY HARRY
Clint Was Out Of His Tree At The Time - Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has reportedly put fellow Republican Clint Eastwood on a list of California officials who may be removed from their posts. Clint is a park commissioner, an official guardian of redwoods and wildlife. But he once offered to make a commercial for Gray Davis, condemning the recall election as a waste of money.