Creatures from the Abyss (1994) AKA Plankton was shot on a budget of $250,000.00. Most of that, I take it, went to the city of Miami for shooting the opening sequences. The best part of the DVD is a mini interview with the director, Massimiliano Cerchi. It is not that he says anything interesting, it is that he obviously doesn't speak English, and sometimes gives the canned phonetic answer to a question the interviewer hasn't asked yet.

We start of with a Gilligan's Island theme. Five teenagers take off in a rubber boat, get caught in a storm, and chance upon a derelict research vessel. What looks like party time turns to terror as they discover that mutant fish who ate radioactive plankton have taken over the boat, killed the crew, and are after them. Ann Wolf shows everything in an undressing then a shower scene, and Loren de Palma shows breasts in an undressing scene, and again in a sex scene. 6 IMDB readers rate it 7.2/10. Looks like 3 cast members voted. If you were drunk enough, you might be able to start a giggling fit over just how bad this film is. F.

Illuminata was not a great success, but at least it reached for the stars. It attempted to do for the theater at the end of the 19th century what Shakespeare in Love did for the end of the 16th. It suffers from not being as accessible and open as SIL, which is to say it can be pretty damned pretentious.

It is however, sensitive and beautiful, sometimes witty, and offered us lots of breasts, including (presumably) our last peek at perhaps the most talked-about breasts in film history.

• Sarandon in Illuminata. All new material. (1, 2, 3, 4)

White Palace got off to a great start. After about an hour it looked like a realistic film about very different people healing their wounds together, highlighted by possibly the best characterization of Sarandon's career. And then the walls came tumbling down when the film introduced a real psychic as a cheap plot device to reveal back-story that the characters wouldn't talk about. If that wasn't contrived enough, it came up with a completely implausible sitcom happy ending - the kind that indicates that the characters lives should end with the ending credits, because it's all gonna be downhill fast from there.

• Sarandon in White Palace (1, 2)

But it's not just Sarandon day - there is also a new Bo Derek gallery in the encyclopedia.

In the mid 90's, Bo had the ill luck to get stuck on a plane from Miami to Lima sitting next to some obnoxious corporate asshole who would soon become Uncle Scoopy. She turned out to be sweet beyond your greatest expectations - a truly generous person who went out of her way to do something kind to me the next morning. Picture this - we stayed in the same hotel. In the morning, I'm talking to the local Mobil guys, planning our day in the lobby, when Bo comes over to our circle, taps my arm and says "hi, Greg" as she flits out the door. And, of course, every single person in the group can identify her as Bo Frigging Derek. For that trip, I ruled! There was no need for her to do that, because I didn't really even know she was there, but she's .... nice. And what a babe she was, about 38-39 at the time, but still possessing the incredibly small waist and narrow hips as when she was a kid.

Bo's favorite joke - "what is this: 10-9-8-7-6 ......"  Answer, Bo Derek aging

Lynda Wiesmeier
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

Next we move on to Lynda Wiesmeier in "Wheels of Fire"...manhandled then tied to the hood of a car.

-Hankster

Jr's notes...Lynda's name may draw a blank, but check out her filmography. She's was rabbitmate, and is surprisingly recognizable in several films, including the Sidaris classic "Malibu Express", and the Fun House favorite "Joysticks"!

Here's something you need to check out. How often do you see a legitimate news item illustrated with a photo of Kari Wuhrer's butt crack? Not just Kari, but J. Lo and others - an entire news story on celebrity butt cracks! Sadly, Brando's is not pictured.

Pat Reeder
The Comedy Wire