The Dukes of Hazzard (unrated 2005)

I don't really want to be cast in the role of the guy who defends The Dukes of Hazzard against the critics. Lord knows, I don't think this is the best possible use of celluloid. Like many a critic, I'd rather be watching Henry V. But let's be honest here for a minute, shall we? It just ain't as bad as advertised, and the unrated version is pretty sexy. C'mon. This film took in $80 million at the box office, so even the PG-13 version entertained a whole lot of people, and the unrated DVD adds a lot of attractive naked flesh! There are pretty topless girls in the unrated version of the film. Then there are more pretty topless girls in the unrated deleted scenes, and the nudity is not restricted to the anonymous co-eds, but includes the two main love interests - the Hazzard county girl who went to college in Atlanta and her Australian friend. Finally, there is even more nudity and a whole passel of raunchy goings-on in the bloopers.

So let me just say that I had absolutely no problem getting through the film on DVD, and I also watched the special features. The film itself includes too many car chases and they go on too long. That would have been a problem in the theaters, but any future viewings will be at home in front of your TV, so the fast forward button will take care of that problem just fine. I did that more than once, I admit, but given that occasional cheat, I kind of enjoyed this flick. When the characters aren't driving, the comic pacing is brisk and the action is reasonably charming in a goofy way - exactly like an extended episode of the TV show. Oh, sure, I know it's not the kind of film that will stay with you, or the kind that you'll bring up when you and your buddies have had a few beers and open the floor to a "best comedy" discussion. It's a dumb, schlocky movie made from a dumb, schlocky TV series which wasn't any good to begin with.

But, to be fair, it is decent popcorn entertainment for those times when you just don't want to tax your brain, and the unrated version provides some downright tolerable guilty pleasures if you keep your thumb near the fast-forward button.

Nikki Griffin is the chick who plays Jess on the O.C., so her deleted topless scenes may be especially enjoyable. Jacqui Maxwell is a beautiful woman, but I'm not familiar with her. I'm sure you know who Jessica Simpson is. She worked out like mad to play this part, and it shows. Her body was rock hard, and her leg muscles were rippling. She looked great in the bikini and in the "Daisy Dukes." The co-eds were also cute, and that blond in collage #1 was drop dead gorgeous.

Coeds Nikki Griffin Jacqui Maxwell Jessica Simpson

Other Crap:

A new Ocean is forming in Africa.

• As Drudge would say ... "breaking ... "
• Check back with this column in 900,000 years for additional details

'Brokeback Mountain' tops L.A. crix picks

• This is the first pre-Oscar indicator.
• Other winners:
  • Best Actor - Philip Seymour Hoffman in Capote
  • Best Actress - Vera Farmiga in Down to the Bone
  • Supporting Actor - Bill Hurt in A History of Violence
  • Supporting Actress - Catherine Keener in four different films.
  • Best Screenplay - Capote and The Squid and the Whale
  • Best Director- Ang Lee for Brokeback Mountain
  • Best Cinematography - Good Night and Good Luck

OOPS! I guess the Longhorns can forget about winning the championship in all three major sports.

• They started the season 8-0, and were #2, but #1 Duke showed them that they are nowhere near ready for prime time. For a while there it looked as though Redick would outscore Texas on his own. He had 16 when Texas had 19!

MPAA gives film about itself an NC-17!!

• 'This Film is Not Yet Rated' Investigates Hollywood's Best-kept Secret: the MPAA Film Ratings System and its Impact on American Culture
• I assume the film is highly critical of the MPAA, and they don't want people to see it. (The NC-17 will prevent wide distribution.)
• Of course I don't know anything about the movie, but ... well, you don't need to be Plato to figure out this syllogism. (1) All true statements about the MPAA must be negative (2) It's a documentary about the MPAA (3) Ergo ...

Mets sign a two-year multi-million deal with 47-year-old Julio Franco

• He will be the only major leaguer with a Depends allowance in his contract, but that is offset by the fact that he gets a lower road trip allowance for food and entertainment because of his senior discounts at cinemas and early bird buffets.
• In the Mets' defense (and this marks the only time "Mets" and "defense" have ever been mentioned in the same sentence without the word "bad"), Franco hit .275 last season with nine homers and 42 RBI in 233 at-bats for the Braves - that's equivalent to 22 homers and 104 rbi in a 575 at-bat season. So the old fella can still hit. On the other hand, I can't help but think he sould be DHing and pinch hitting in the AL, where old geezers don't have to bend over to field grounders and dig out low throws. Just sayin'.

Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN FILM

Bush wins the Heisman, thanks Cheney for his help.

Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN THE 'WOOD

Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN THE INDUSTRY

Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN TELEVISION

Dateline Hollywood : THE YEAR IN CELEBRITIES

The North American trailer for The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada, directed by Tommy Lee Jones. Sounds like a Peckinpah film.

Five clips from Woody Allen's Match Point

The trailer for Imagine Me and You

• "Imagine Me & You" is the story of a girl who falls in love on her wedding day...but not with the man of honor. Heck (Matthew Goode) and Rachel (Piper Perabo) are a happy young couple about to embark on life together. But at the church, Rachel catches the eye of an unexpected guest. In that moment, she realizes that maybe Heck isn't the one for her. Of course, they will never know for sure unless they give it a shot. What follows is the romantic, humorous and sometimes poignant journey familiar to anyone who's ever been lucky (or unlucky) enough to be under love's spell.

A Scene From Kurt Wimmer's Ultraviolet, starring Milla.

"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan let us know that piracy supports terrorism. Let's terminate it!"

• This 30 second clip cost nearly $200,000. Your 'Moment of Zen' from the Daily Show.

Former Sen. Eugene McCarthy is dead at 89

• This is not going to be a very good obit, but this is one celebrity that I actually met and talked with for hours, so I have an anecdote, for good or bad.
• I once attended a small dinner party in Gables by the Sea, around 1973 or so, and McCarthy was there. Before that dinner, McCarthy had been a hero of mine for his principled stand against Vietnam. He was basically the man who drove LBJ from the White House, after all. He was an honest and principled man whose education was so refined that he could quote from Buddha and Clausewitz in the same breath.
• Unfortunately, I had enough to drink at dinner that I felt like goofing on him, so I nudged my friend and stood up to offer a toast. I started in on effusive praise for the great job Senator McCarthy had done in Washington, and how much he had meant to the country with his principled stands against the status quo ... yadda, yadda ... generic stuff ... until I got to the part about how he had been so effective in getting those Communists out of the government! I kept a straight face, and did my best Fred Willard impersonation, as if I were truly clueless. There were about 20 people at the table, about four of whom (the ones who knew me) fell out of their chairs laughing, while the rest sat in silence, confused, embarrassed, and unwilling to laugh because they didn't know if the others were laughing at my stupidity, or were acknowledging my put-on. They waited for McCarthy's reaction.

  McCarthy never realized I was kidding. He gently pointed out that although his name was Eugene Joseph McCarthy, he was not known as Joe, and that I had him confused with a different senator. My friend and his sister fell out of their chairs laughing, which McCarthy showed no signs of understanding - he apparently thought his witty "middle name" response had electrified the room - but I politely thanked him for clearing up my confusion and went into another conversation with someone else, because I didn't think I could keep a straight face any more, and I didn't want our host to get upset with me. I went back to McCarthy's circle a few more times during the night, and McCarthy continued to prattle on for hours about the failure of government processes, in conversation so tedious that the number of people talking to him dwindled to one, and even our host could no longer pretend convincingly to be interested!

Comedian Richard Pryor dies at 65.

• He will be missed. One of the greatest stand-ups of all time. But how the hell did he ever make it to 65? That alone is miraculous.

A map of the world drawn by the size of the population. Canada gets quite a bit smaller!

Headline of the day: "Clinton wants more women"

Claim: Photographs show a pen-sized personal computer system. Status: True

The largest nuclear bomb ever detonated

It is illegal to fling a dead possum in New Zealand?

• Jeez, if that were illegal here, ever single Texan would be in jail.
• And how would we celebrate Christmas? Are you telling me we would have to throw dead raccoons and armadillos instead? Does tradition mean nothing to these anti-Christmas warriors?

Narnia opens even bigger than expected.

• It pulled in $24 million Friday, and appears to be on track to do far more than the 50-55 range predicted by industry prognosticators. It took in far more than the rest of the Top 10 combined, and its gross was six times that of the second place finisher.
• I realize that I'm stretching to find a record here, but I believe it is the highest December Friday in history. (Return of the King opened on a Wednesday.)
• Although far behind Narnia, Syriana did fairly well, taking the #2 spot from Harry Potter

What will Howard Stern do when he escapes to satellite, free from the FCC?

Lone Star Times - Merry Christmas, Texas!

Iowahawk: "KANSAS PROF BEATEN BY MYSTERY NASCAR RACERS", and other news niblets

Zarqawi's blog: I'm Surrounded By Idiots (Satire from Iowahawk)

Monday Night Football's Lisa Guerrero to expose her big uns in upcoming Playboy, preview pics already on usenet

Raunchy 'South Park' Virgin Mary Episode Angers Catholics

Bad news. The Playmobil - Security Check Point is sold out.

Oops, man opens $500,000 bar in a dry county

Director Steven Soderbergh will make his next film 'Guerilla', a biopic about Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara that will star Benjamin Bratt

Conan takes a tour of FAO Schwarz

Conan looks at foreign holidays

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

"Country Hooker"

Country Hooker (1970) is a soft core drama from Harry Novak. Two musicians on their way to Canoga Park (an LA suburb) stop to pick up two hitchhikers (Rene Bond and Sandy Dempsey), have sex with them, then get stuck when someone steals their distributor cap. Fortunately, they and the girls are all headed to the same bar, and they are able to get the girl's car running. Meanwhile, the current band leader at the Canoga Park shit kicker bar negotiates another week, and permission for his hookers to work the bar, as the boys are late. Dempsey and Bond, of course, are his girls, and were sent to delay them. While Bond and Dempsey are hookers with hearts of gold, the pimp/band leader is a nasty sort, known for roughing up his girls.

Bond falls in love with one of our heroes, Dempsey with the other. When Dempsey trues to quit, the pimp does her in. Our heros, however, finally catch on to what is happening and have him arrested.

Rene Bond, Sandy Dempsey, and Maria Arnoff as another hooker show everything. There are not enough votes at IMDb to be meaningful. This is a trite story with poor acting, but does have nice nudity, including post enhancement Rene Bond, which earns it a C-.

Marie Arnoff Rene Bond Sandy Dempsey

"The Lust Connection"

The Lust Connection (2005 Video) is a whodunnit staring Glori-Anne Gilbert as a murdered blonde wife, and as her brunette twin sister. Oooops, I probably should have labeled that first sentence a spoiler. At any rate, Glori-Anne is murdered in a hot tub, and her rich husband is the prime suspect, at least to the dim-whited police. It comes out that hubby has been cheating with all of the local women on the Internet with aftermarket boobs, and we get to relive those experiences with him while he tries to figure out the killer's identity.

A lot of women show everything here, in what is otherwise a pedestrian story full of ho-hum simulated sex. Tonight, Glori-Anne Gilbert. Tomorrow, the rest of the women.

Glori-Anne Gilbert

Today's contribution takes us to the Apennine Peninsula where three actresses will shed their clothes for our viewing pleasure.

First we have Laura Gemser. I know Laura is actually Indonesian, but since Italy is her home for more than 30 years now, there is no need to be picky. Here in Voglia di Guardare (1986) we can see her strut her stuff in a lesbian romp while another actress watches and seems to get hotter and hotter. Laura gives up all three B's in 5 clips from this slightly out of focus film.

• Laura Gemser (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

Secondly Ornella Muti is naked in Romanzo popolare (literally popular novel; 1974; English title:Come Home and Meet My Wife) but mostly only her breasts are visible except at 36 seconds into the clip, where she allows us a glimpse at her pubes. Don't blink or you'll miss it!

• Ornella Muti

Thirdly Ugo Tognazzi, the guy who burst into Ornella's bedroom in the previous clip, is now having a conversation with Dalila Di Lazzaro in 1978's Il Gatto (The Cat). Dalila is naked but you only get to see her breasts and buns. Maybe with lots of good will her pubes could briefly be visible at the very end of clip 2. But as I said, you need lots of good will.

• Dalila Di Lazzaro (1, 2)