Legally Exposed (1997) day two.

Finally, I have an overview of the click series.

The first was "THE BODY BEAUTIFUL" now known as "THE ULTIMATE ATTRACTION."

The second was "SEXUAL DEPENDENCE DAY" now known as "SEX, LIES & POLITICS."

The third was "FOR THE LOVE OF THE CLICK" and has not been released domestically yet.

The fourth was "EROTIC CURSE OF CAIRO" now known as "LEGALLY EXPOSED."

The fifth was "BALLS OF THUNDER" know now as "ROD STEELE 0014: YOU ONLY LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE."

The sixth was "FOR THE LOVE OF THE CLICK" and has not be released yet.

The seventh is "SECRETS REVEALED" and has also not been released yet.

There is talk of a box set.

So this is the fourth in the series. Four of the seven have been released and capped by me. Last night, we got through the intro, where Dr. Fez chases all over the world to find the clicker. He ends up in LA, where it has been purchased by the owner of the biggest, sleaziest law firm in the world. Coincidences pile up on top of each other here, one character changes bodies, an actress from the opening sequence plays a second character, and it becomes a little hard to follow.

Jacqueline Lovell is a ball busting junior partner in the law firm. When the evil senior partner has a heart attack after using the click on the two of them, she takes over the firm. Paralegal Leigh Ann Garrett grabs the clicker in the confusion, and uses it to enhance her love life. Once Lovell realizes the power of the click, she sets out to find it. Fez has been put in touch with super agent Kim Dawson, because Hollywood agents know everything. Turns our Dawson represents Garrett's sister, a fashion model, played by the same actress as the mummy queen, Thao Ngyen. Near the end, Garretts character morphs into Shae Harlow to seek revenge.

All of these women show everything. I could find no reviews on line for this one. This is not the best of the series. It is slow starting, the camera rotates around the subjects effect was way over-used, the lighting was bad in many scenes, it was badly edited, and several lines were mis-delivered. I am guessing bad director. This is a C-.

La Belle Noiseuse (1991)

You have to credit director Jacques Rivette for one thing - the man has a set of cojones the size of Luxembourg. In fact, when he goes to Luxembourg, they spill over the French border. This movie is 229 minutes long in PAL format. PAL speeds all films by 4%, so it will run almost exactly four hours in an NTSC format.

Lawrence of Arabia runs 228 minutes in the director's cut.

That's some brass ones, right? A four hour film can only be shown once per evening, so the box office potential is infinitesimal unless the film IS Lawrence of Arabia.

But there's more.

La Belle Noiseuse is not a sweeping epic like Lawrence, or a fantasy masterpiece like The Return of the King, or a lengthy multi-part historical narrative like Andrei Rublev, or a brilliant saga of friends from childhood to old age, like Once Upon a Time in America. It is essentially an artist in his studio with one model. He spends time getting her in precisely the correct pose, then a hand sweeps a brush over a canvas for five minutes, dabbing, swirling, inking. Repeat as needed - for hours. There isn't much more to it than that. In fact, that is the only thing happening for more than half of the film - two hours worth, which is essentially a full-length film of its own.

And the other half is not that much more lively.

 The model's boyfriend and the artist's wife become jealous of the bond being formed between the painter and his subject. It is not a romantic relationship which threatens them. The painter is a decrepit old fella, and the model is the young and stunning Emmanuele Beart. The fact that there is no courtship, however, doesn't mean that the relationship isn't close. A man and a naked woman working together for weeks, with the man trying to capture the essence of the woman's soul on canvas, can form a deeper intimacy than any lovers. His questions and his staring eyes probe her deeper than any penis could. It is this unique bond, and its all-consuming nature, that gets in the way of their relationships with others.

Many critics were dazzled by this film. It won the grand prize at Cannes. There are nine reviews at MRQE, and every one gave it a perfect score except The Austin Chronicle, which awarded 4.5 out of 5 stars. Roger Ebert gave it four stars and raved that it conveyed a complete understanding of the artistic process. He argued that the long sessions with the model were completely necessary to show the link between the artist and the subject in the artistic process, and that the long scenes which consisted solely of a hand painting on a canvas were completely necessary to allow the audience to experience directly in the creation of art from nothing.

Obviously, I am an aesthetically-challenged Philistine. I can understand the point he is making, and I guess I could even be persuaded to agree with it on a cerebral level, but I can't imagine how anyone could stay awake during this film. It's four hours long; there's very little dialogue; the minimal dialogue is in French with subtitles and seems inordinately pretentious; there's basically one set; there are basically only two important actors.

There is really only one element of the film which held my attention, and that was the constant naked presence of Beart. Given the length of this film, and the fact that she is completely naked for about half of its running time, Beart may have done more minutes of full nudity in this movie than any other legitimate actress in the history of cinema has done in a single film. It could be titled "Two Hours of Emmanuelle Beart posing stark naked", and have no fear of a false advertising claim. The only problem with that it that the quantity kills the eroticism. Suppose you were married to a very beautiful woman and she walked around the house stark naked every minute of the day and night. How long do you think that would turn you on? Most likely, the quantity of the nudity would have a numbing effect on your libido, to the point where it would no longer be erotic, a phenomenon not unlike the lack of erections in nudist camps. Ms Beart, therefore, is stark naked constantly, and she is very beautiful, but the erotic value of that exposure is rapidly exhausted, and her naked body simply becomes part of the art supplies in the studio.

• Emmanuelle Beart thumbnails (1, 2, 3, 4)
• Emmanuelle Beart (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62)

Updates

• new volume: Judi Dench
• updated volume: Emmanuelle Beart

OTHER CRAP:

• The United States has been fighting a losing battle against al-Qaida on the World Wide Web.
• Strom Thurmond had a daughter with a black woman. I guess they weren't fully segregated in those days. The 78 year old woman has finally come forward to admit her parentage.
• The official site for the remake of Walking Tall is now online. (Stars The Rock)
• Honey, if you strip and dance for me on camera, it'll just be for me. I won't put it on the internet. Honest. Nosiree. No internet.
• Demented Christmas card.
• Jason White wins the Heisman
• Nicole Richie, the FCC and the issues.: In a live awards broadcast, Nicole said "'Have you ever tried to get cowshit out of a Prada purse? It's not so fuckin' simple." Congress is demanding that the FCC crack down harder on broadcasters.
• Kung Fu Cult Cinema
• Your major source for salacious celebrity gossip, The A List
• The Dirty Sanchez dictionary.
• The one movie that has a chance to unseat Return of the King for the best picture award - The Adventures of Dirty Sanchez. Now available in its entirety online, legally.
• Tired of the Dems and the GOP? Hate the Greens and Libertarians? Try the Expansionist Party. Astoundingly, I don't think this site is meant as satire.
• The DaVinci Code web quest
• Penis Squirt Gun - bachelorette party tequila shooter
• Space Invaders online!
• Last Resorts Wife Farm | Discount Mail Order Brides
• Talk about trivia. Elvis Presley's Jumpsuits. You want to know the exact dates and locations when he wore each jumpsuit? We gotcha covered.
• Nostalgia - play the 80s board game Dark Tower online! The kids and I used to play this for hours.
• The Beatles once tried to buy the rights to make a Lord of the Rings film. Lennon was to play Gollum. I guess Pete Best would have been Bilbo.
• A to Z guide to kinky sex
• Free agent closer Keith Foulke has signed a three-year, $21 million deal with the Red Sox.
• Judi Dench nude? She is upset about the re-release of "Langrishe, Go Down".
• Carnivale will return for a second season.
• Halliburton Stock Report (HAL) | Quote & News. Just thought you might like to know. Last summer Hallinburton was trading at $8.75 per share. It is now at $25.46. You could have tripled your money, dudes!
• Pavarotti, 68, marries his major young babe. They have been living together eight years, and have a daughter. She is 34.
• First clip of Danny the Dog is online (co-written by Luc Besson).
• The Year in Ideas: Ideas, inventions, schemes, and dreams in 2003.
• Thailand's prime minister has banned vagrant elephants from the streets of Bangkok in an effort to ease traffic chaos. I wonder if that would help us in Austin.
• The Vincent van Gogh Gallery - every word he ever wrote, every stroke he ever painted.
• Top shareware games of 2003.
• Gina Gershon -rock star.
• Porn classic 'Deep Throat' explored as a cultural milestone
• Nina Mercedez, Miss Nude Universe 2003.
• Nudity report and movie overview for 21 Grams, from the Movie House. Includes pictures. Topless pictures. Of Naomi Watts.
• Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is doin' mighty fine with the critics so far.
• Courtney Love a freak in court.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Junior or Brainscan, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

First up...the DVD stuff

"The Beastmaster" (1982)
Funhouse favorite released to full featured DVD recently. Along with Tanya Robert being topless, some witches show their buns in a coven scene. The most notable is Janet Jones (aka Mrs. Wayne Gretzky) with Janet DeMay and Chrissy Kellogg as the other two witches (Janet Jones is witch #3 in the brown robe). There are other revealing photos of the witches in the gallery section plus Vanna Bonta as a very nude and pregnant wife (probably wearing a prosthetic). Set decorator Deborah Moreland also shows some nice pokies in the gallery section (even the crew members are babes).

• Pics from movie and gallery section (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9)

"Delta of Venus" (1995)
Zalman King erotic classic and Funhouse favorite that was released to DVD recently. While the Audie England nude scenes are crystal clear, the gyno-cam shot of Eva Duchkova is so dark it's hard to make anything out. This shot was much clearer in the video version.

• Eva Duchkova: gyno-cam scene from both video and dvd.
• Marketa Hrubesova: breasts making love to the Abedesi guy from television series HBO's Oz.

"King Frat" (1979) uncut version
This drive-in grossout comedy was released to video in various cuts. The US R-rated video version is missing two scenes: (1) the sex scene in the back of an ambulance which was key to the only funny joke in the movie (she got stuck to his erection during the bumpy ambulance ride) and (2) a guy walking past a couple having sex in bathtub. The MPAA did not mind the piss and fart jokes but found the sex scenes too dirty. Fortunately the UK DVD version is uncut.

• Teri Kelso: topless and near bush.
• Unknown: having sex in very dirty bathtub. (no nudity)

"The Wild Dogs" (2002)
Canadian/Hungarian arthouse production about poverty and the sex trade in Budapest. Most the nudity is done by unidentified Hungarian actresses although Rachel Blanchard shows major bra-less cleavage.

• Rachel Blanchard: dreaded fully-clothed love scene.
• Florentina 'Coca' Zibilianu: topless as nude photo model.
• Unknowns: various topless women in bordello scene.

"Blood Clan" (1990)
Obscure Canadian movie about cannibalism only available on the Spanish DVD titled "El Clan". No nudity

• Jacqueline Dandeneau: legs and pokies having roll in hay.

And now the VHS stuff....

"Get Crazy"(1983)
Malcolm McDowell rock and roll cult movie so this has to be crazy. A notable topless appearance by future singer and voice actress Charity James.

• Stacy Nelkin: big boob pokies.
• Anna Bjorn: side nude.
• Gail Edwards: sexy.
• Charity James: topless in bathtub.
• Linnea Quigley: one of the nude groupies.

"Love $ Greed" (1991)
Very obscure comedy about an estranged couple who have to conceive a child under wacky conditions in order to get an inheritance. The movie starts with a topless love scene by former singer and future casting director Lori Eastside.

• Lori Eastside: topless love scene.
• Melissa White: mostly cleavage.

"Sweet Revenge" (1987)
An escape from women-in-prison movie. Nancy Allen's strapless gown is overtaken by a nude skinny dipping scene by Michelle Little and newcomer Gina Gershon who both show boobs and butt.

• Nancy Allen: sexy dress, tame love scene.
• Gina Gershon: skinny dipping.
• Michele Little: skinny dipping.

"Radioactive Dreams" (1985)
Bad bad post-apocalyptic movie. If only the lighting was better Michele's boobies could have been visible.

• Michele Little: pokies.

"Enterprise" episode Anomaly
Julia Rose as a starship commando is the latest Star Trek babe to watch. In episode Anomaly she is shown changing in a co-ed changeroom. I wonder if the writers have ever thought of zero-gravity brassieres?

• Julia Rose: pokies in star trek issue underwear.

By the way...Cotillard can be seen on the big screen in the upcoming Tim Burton movie "Big Fish" (2003).