Yo, dudes, junior is working on his tan in the Caribbean this week, and I'm doing double duty, working on this page.

Life isn't necessarily fair.

He returns Saturday.

Mailbox:

**    Scoop- The supermodel calendar comes as a supplement with the December issue of Vogue France. Photographs are by Inez van Lamsweerde & Vinoodh Matadin.  (Thanks to C2000 for the info)
 

Other crap:

• Bill Clinton dating Demi Moore? This is not a satire site. It seems to be for real.

• Online pranksters publish all the personal information of the head of the government's Total Information Awareness project. "Optimistically, I dialed John and Linda Poindexter's number -- (301) 424-6613 -- at their $269,700 home at 10 Barrington Fare in Rockville, Md., hoping the good admiral and excused criminal might be able to offer some insight"

• Reports of Karen Mulder's death were greatly exaggerated. Karen Mulder is said to be alive and well and living outside Paris, and "stories of her near death are a crock of lies".

• You know how Dems always pose in front of JFK and Jefferson pictures, while Republicans pose in front of pics of Lincoln and Reagan, and Coms used to pose in front of portraits of Lenin? Well, Sean Penn really should watch out where he is when he's being photographed. It is not known whether he punched the photographer. It is also not known whether Iraq has any tasty waves.

• That wacky cut-up Al Gore, on SNL

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Human Nature (2001) is an offbeat comedy from the man who brought us Being John Malkovich. While I got several broad grins out of it, it didn't produce a single laugh. Patricia Arquette developed body hair in puberty -- a lot of body hair. The older she got, the more she looked like an ape. She finally decides to end it all, but, as she is poised with the razor blade at her wrist, a mouse looks at her from the side of the bathtub, and she realized that nature accepted her, so she went to live in nature. This lasted for years, and she became a best selling nature author, but her hornyness got the better of her, and she returned to the city to electrolysis and man hunting. She finally finds a man (Tim Robbins), an anal retentive scientist who was browbeat by his parents over table manners, and is doing research on teaching mice table manners.

The two live together, and take a field trip to the forest, where they encounter Rhys Ifans, a man who was raised like a wild ape. This is the perfect subject for Robbins, who begins to recondition Ifans. He also falls in love with Miranda Otto, his assistant. Arquette is naked running around in the forest for much of the film. Otto is seen in bra and panties, and Laura Grady Peterson shows breasts and buns as a test slide for aversion therapy for Ifans. The is not a film for everyone, including me, but is quirky enough that it is destined to be a cult classic, and is hence a C+.
 

I went to see Red Dragon and thought "what a good looking actress that is playing the blind lady." I was pleased to see that the DVD of Breaking the Waves was available in the video store, but what a disappointment it was when I played it. Heck I think the quality of a 5 year old videotape is even better, color is way off and it has more grainy frames than solids.

At any rate, she is nude and looks darn cute, beats me why that guy said no when she was laying nude on the bed ;)

Emily Watson (1, 2)

Scoop's notes: that isn't the DVD, that's the filmmaking of Lars van Trier! He purposely avoids artificial lighting and other such adjustments. It's some kind of art theory.  The color in this film is so bad that it can be confusing. At one point I lost a plot thread because a red plane and a brown plane were, in fact, the same plane. His camera work is just as crazy - sometimes he has the camera focused on an empty wall while somebody nearby is talking. Genius, I tell you, sheer genius!

Of course, his entire theory seems to ignore the fact that various lighting techniques have been developed to make movie images approach the light resolution achieved by the optics of the human eye. In many ways, I agree with what he wants to do. By all means, get rid of techniques that make film less realistic, like blue and amber filters and colored indirect lighting, if you want to make realistic films. But don't throw out the techniques that make films more realistic by simulating what we see with our eyes.

On the other hand, while van Trier must be the world's worst art theorist, and is clueless with a camera, he is an excellent writer and works well with actors. Breaking the Waves is a powerful story, and Emily Watson is brilliant in it, achieving a level she never again reached.

Deborah Goodrich in April Fool's Day. No nudity.

Deborah Foreman in April Fool's Day. No nudity

Christie Clark in Children of the Corn 2. No nudity. Boy, there's a film that was crying for a sequel.

Bridget Fonda in Snow Queen. No nudity.

Athena Massey in The Unspeakable.

Angela Davies (1, 2, 3) in Hotel Erotica. The third picture also includes Stephanie Swift.

Some very odd and not very flattering pictures of Milla (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ) but she's stark naked, full front and rear, and the imaging work is gorgeous. And I've never seen these before!

While we're talkin' about naked Eastern Europeans, here's some of Eva Herzigova (1, 2, 3, 4)

A few more, this time of Mini Anden stark naked. (1, 2, 3) I am very surprised that Mini let them photograph her hands. She's attractive, but she must have the ugliest hands ever, as Comic Book Guy would say.

• Cybil Shepherd in The Last Picture Show (1, 2)
• Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies (1, 2)
• Kylie Minogue in Kylie Entirely - (1, 2) no nudity in the first one, but beautiful images
• newspaper accounts of Kylie Minogue in Kylie Entirely. Kylie's butt publicist is again hard at work.
• Nancy Allen in Dressed to Kill
• Ruth Millar in Solid Geometry
• Emily Booth in a documentary on the making of Cradle of Fear

• Ty Randolph: a very popular actress in these type of films because not only does she do her own stunts, but she's also not shy of showing her boobs as well.
• Penelope Reed (1, 2, 3): boobs and butt and a hint of bush,distant gyno-cam, panty crotch shots.
• Danitza Kingsley: boobs and butt in a rather explicit sex scene for a B-movie.
  
• Noëlle Balfour: Argentina hefmag babe topless.
• Fabiana Smith: boobs and butt and a hint of bush.
• Unknown: topless sacrifice.

The only thing redeeming about the drama-sex-comedy "Lover Girl" (1997) is various actresses running around in rather unrevealing underwear.

• Kristy Swanson
• Tara Subkoff

Cynthia Preston (aka Cyndy Preston) also running around in her underwear in "The Darkside" (1987).

 

More Cynthia Preston. Not my cap, but this is her only full topless scene from the 1995 episode "Armed Response" of
the 6-part anthology cable series "Picture Windows". Only three of these episode are available on DVD but unfortunately not the episode with Cynthia.

• Michelle Veran (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)
• Dana Bentley (1, 2, 3)
• Robyn Harris
• Shannon Wilsey
• Bridget Carney (1, 2, 3, 4)

You might be a redneck pilot if:  

• Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
• You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
• Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
• You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
• You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
• You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
• You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
• You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".
• You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
• You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
• You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
• Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear.
• You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
• You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years.
• There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
• There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
• You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
• You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
• You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
• You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
• You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
• There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
• The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
• Just before impact, you are heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"