I wondered what gift I could give you all for Christmas since Tuna was presenting a celebration of the human spirit. I figured I should celebrate Festivus and air my grievances, but upon due consideration I thought the only possible choice for the season to be Shakespeare's long-lost play about lipstick lesbianism. 

Nicole (1978)

This film is also known as The Widow's Revenge, Crazed, and William Shakespeare's Cardenio.

Most scholars believe with some degree of certainty that Shakespeare wrote 37 plays. There are, however, fifteen other plays which Shakespeare may have written in part or whole. Within that canon, thirteen plays are extant, the other two have been considered lost. The most commonly cited work of the disputed canon is "The Two Noble Kinsman," which was published in a quarto in 1634. The original publication clearly attributed Shakespeare and John Fletcher, but nobody can determine precisely what Shakespeare contributed to the work. Twelve other plays are considered Shakespearian apocrypha, about which scholars debate vociferously: "Locrine", "The London Prodigal", "The Puritan", "Thomas, Lord Cromwell", "Sir John Oldcastle", "Arden of Feversham", "A Yorkshire Tragedy", "The Birth of Merlin", "Edward III", "Fair Em", "Mucedorus", and "The Merry Devil of Edmonton." Finally, there are two plays which were not thought to have survived to modern times in even fragmentary form. They are "Love's Labor's Won" and "Cardenio."

"Love's Labour's Won" is still lost, but it was not very long ago that Louis Horvath, a great Hungarian antiquarian and scholar, found a copy of "Cardenio" buried in a backyard near the home of Shakespeare's parents in Stratford. Devouring it immediately at the very location in which he found it, his eyes darted from word to word, as his fingers pried apart page after page of forgotten genius until he had read the entire play in one sitting, gradually becoming aware that he had encountered not just a lesser Shakespearian footnote, but possibly the greatest of Shakespeare's plays, and thus possibly the greatest work of literary genius ever penned in any language during the full duration of mankind's stay upon this planet. Sadly, he had become so enrapt in the plot's dazzling invention and so mesmerized by the celestial beauty of the language that he had forgotten to take the necessary measures to preserve the documents. The harsh toxicity of our 20th century atmosphere, combined with the oils from Horvath's fingers and the tears of emotion wrung from him by the sheer power of the poetry, had played havoc with the fragile parchments so long hidden from sunlight. No legible fragments survived. Horvath immediately ran to secure pens and paper, and scribbled feverishly in his effort to right the wrong he had done, at least to the extent still possible, and to recreate as much of the script as he could while the memories remained fresh. Together with his countryman Istvan Ventilla, Horvath assembled his recreation into the film called Nicole.

Shakespeare begins the play with a minor character. A simple coachman finds his wife with his best friend and kills them both "in manner most ignoble." His act is witnessed by a countess, but he is shocked to discover that the countess has no intention of seeing this man "suffer the harsh flames of the king's rectitude." The coachman knows he has done wrong, is loyal to his blessed king, and feels he should not try to elude the executioner's axe, but the countess persuades him otherwise. It is not long before her madness is evident, but the coachman's fate is by then inextricably entangled with that of the countess. His participation in the murders is to be hidden for as long as he is willing to do the countess's insane bidding.

Whilst in her employ, he is to assist the countess in securing a sexual dalliance with a certain local coachmaker, then expanding that dalliance to include a young maiden who resembles the countess herself. Those familiar with Shakespeare's other plays will undoubtedly anticipate that the similar appearance of the women promises that, in the bard's own words "merriment doth transpire and oft hilarity ensueth." Sadly for the maiden, the coachmaker, and the coachman, the steady decline of the countess's mental health forebodes ill for all. In a typically convoluted Shakespearian conceit, the countess plans to fortify her palace's defenses with great beasts, thus ensuring that she will be able to maintain the harmony within, safe from the meddling and temptations of the outside world. (Thus reflecting similar themes in The Tempest, which Shakespeare wrote about the same time.) Like Prospero's schemes, Countess Nicola's go astray in a flurry of typical Elizabethan ironies. The beasts, which Nicola hoped to employ as protection for her maiden, ended up devouring the poor girl. Nicola's other mad schemes caused similarly tragic fates for her other acquaintances, until she was left alone in her palace, dressed in perpetual mourning.

Unfortunately, the film may not perfectly reflect Shakespeare's intentions, since it has been filtered through the imperfect recollections of a writer whose other works include "Blazing Stewardesses," but this film is what we have, and we must give thanks. Since the author of the film script is no longer with us, and we have no other record of Shakespeare's lost play, all of mankind can be thankful that certain film preservation societies have now restored this damaged, obscure film to digital health and glory.

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For our specific purposes at the Funhouse, we can revel in this restoration for even more reasons. First, it represents Shakespeare's only known indulgence in the more explicit details of "the saporous Sapphic supper," or as we like to call it today, steamy girl-on-girl action. We can count ourselves even more fortunate that we do not live in Shakespeare's time, when the roles of the Countess Nicola and her maiden would have been played by men. In the 20th century the young maiden could be played by a certain "Kathy Bach," direct descendant of composer P.D.Q. Bach and former co-star of a television show called "The Dukes of Hazzard," which some claim to be based on another of Shakespeare's lost works. Most serendipitous of all, Miss Bach and Leslie Caron perform various scenes in degrees of undress. It would be the only exposure of Miss Bach's career, and one of only two times Miss Caron would expose a breast in her long, distinguished career. (The other is also shown below.)

Catherine Bach Leslie Caron

Just to complete the record, here is the only other time Leslie Caron exposed herself on camera - in Madron - in which she showed a breast to Paladin.

Leslie Caron

 

Best nude scene nominees

Again, don't write me to tell me I missed a stray nipple somewhere, but DO write if my list does not include the one film you would vote for as the best nude scene of the year.

Other Crap:

Movie Reviews:

Yellow asterisk: funny (maybe). White asterisk: expanded format. Blue asterisk: not mine. No asterisk: it probably sucks.

It is no accident that I have chosen two beautiful films that show the resiliency of the human spirit for today. I had far too interesting a year this year, and am not especially thrilled by what I read in the news. Nonetheless, I remain optimistic about our future. I wish each and every one of you a joyous holiday season.

-Tuna

"An Angel at My Table"

An Angel at My Table (1990) was the first feature from New Zealander Jane Campion. Based on the autobiographies of poet and novelist Janet Frame, it was intended as a TV mini-series that simply got to good not to have a theatrical release. Campion was very resistant to the idea after being booed at Cannes for a short film. They finally persuaded her to screen it at an Australian festival, and it received probably the best reception in the history of the festival. Campion specializes in stories about women struggling to find their own way in society, and Frame's real story was a natural for her. Frame grew up as a shy overweight girl in a large but poor farming family. She was an outsider in school, and lived in the shadow of her beautiful outgoing sister at home. She escaped into writing at an early age.

The first serious trauma in the story occurs when her older sister dies as a teenager, drowned in the public swimming pool. The story, like the autobiography, is told in three parts. The first is childhood. The second covers her school days, where she has decided to become a teacher. At university, the administration convinces her parents that she should be committed to a mental institution. In her eight years there, she was misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and given over 200 electric shock treatments. She was on the short list for a lobotomy when her first book of short stories was not only published, but won a prestigious award. This convinced the doctors not to operate, but rather to rehabilitate her.

In part three, she is introduced to, and stays with another author, where she writes her first novel. When it is accepted for publication, he sends her to Europe to give her more exposure. While in Spain, she meets an American teacher on sabbatical and has her first sexual encounter with him -- an affair that lasts through the summer. She is, of course, devastated when he returns to the states. She seeks psychological help, and that is where she discovers that the schizophrenia diagnosis was wrong, and therapy helps her work through the issues that her hospitalization and treatment caused. She then returned to New Zealand to write.

Kerry Fox, as the adult Frame, does full frontal and rear nudity.

IMDb readers have this at 7.4. Ebert loved it at 4 stars, and found Campoins treatment of this story straightforward and compelling start to finish. It was not an easy project for many reasons. First, they had to be true to a very famous living author. Second, the entire first part of the story was mainly child actors who carried the entire narrative. Campion in known for employing non-linear time, and radical camera and lighting ideas, but she wisely chose not to here. The true story was eloquent enough on its own, and Campion kept everything simple and straight-forward, She also made a creative decision to keep the camera height at the level of Frame at each age, giving the viewer a sense of intimacy with her main character. Campion fleshed out the story somewhat with episodes from her own childhood in rural New Zealand. Performances were excellent throughout. I was especially impressed by the work from the children, and also that all three actresses who played Frame managed to sell being the same person. The film won a variety of awards, both technical and artistic. Interestingly, it won every award it was nominated for. This is one of the best biographies I have ever seen, and was about someone interesting enough to warrant a biography. Campion did everything right, making this film a total joy. This is a B.

Kerry Fox

"When Father Was Away on Business"

When Father Was Away on Business (1985), or Otac na sluzbenom putu, is a wonderful film from Yugoslavian director Emir Kusturica. The story is set in 1950 Serajevo, when Tito had decided to split from Stalin. This was a very confusing and politically dangerous time for good Yugoslav communists. Kusturica chose to show his story through the eyes of a small boy, six year old Malak. He lives with a nerdish older brother, a philandering father who travels on business, a mother who sews for additional income, and a Grandfather who hates baths. He and his best friend help an eccentric janitor collect herbs to sell to a local business for a little cash, hoping to buy a leather soccer ball.

Malak's father (Miki Manojlovic) is currently diddling Mira Furlan on his business trips. Coming home on the train, he makes an offhand remark that a political cartoon goes too far and isn't funny. She, angry because he won't divorce his wife, reports this comment to the local party head, who also happens to be his brother in law. Father is arrested on the day of his two sons' circumcision ("My brother says we are done for. They are going to stretch out our pricks, then cut half of them off."), but tells the boys that he will be away on business. Life isn't easy for the family while father is first forced to work in a mine, and later moved to a small town for "social reconditioning." At least, in the small town, the family is permitted to join him.

At 136 minutes running time, there is little danger of giving away too many of the wonderful moments in this film, but here is a personal favorite. After his father is taken away, Malak begins sleep walking. His brother rigs up a bell on a string to tie to his toe. Malak goes with his mother to visit father at the mine, and they spend the night in an abandoned train station. Malak is rigged with the bell, and, after he is presumably asleep, his parents try to make love. Malak is wide awake, however, and keeps interrupting them by ringing the bell.

The film is full of such moments. All of the characters are believable, and the rather serious political climate is made less oppressive to the viewer because of this constant comedy. Mira Furlan shows breasts, and Mirjana Karanovic as the mother shows her right breast.

IMDb readers have this at 7.7. One comment there calls it the best film ever made. Fortunately, we have a rating system that compares a film to others in the same genre. This is an absolute gem, and I didn't mind the subtitles at all. I was completely involved in the story, start to finish, loved most of the characters, and found the glimpse into 1950 Yugoslavia fascinating. This is a B-. Even if you don't usually like foreign period films, you likely would enjoy this one.

Mira Furlan Mirjana Karanovic

Fran Drescher shows off some impressive clevage, and assorted 'Ho-Ho-Hos' go topless in scenes from the direct-to-vid, Comedy/Horror flick "Santa's Slay (2005), starring Rasslin' favorite, Bill Goldberg as Santa.

This sounds so bizarre that I simply have to buy this! Click here for the official site, including pics of Goldberg as Santa!

Fran Drescher

Ho-Ho-Hos