Exposed (2003) has nearly all the elements of a classic softcore. The plot is thin and transparent, the acting is horrible, and the dialogue is impossibly bad. As an example, one character uses a phrase of the form "that was bad, really bad" twice in less than a minute, The same structure is used anytime they wanted to show emphasis, as they couldn't act. The only thing missing is about 27 minutes of sex footage they trimmed to get this thing an R rating. Excuse me for being dense, but what exactly was the point of this release, anyway? Take away the interesting third of a bad movie for an R rating? Why bother?

Julia Kruis is a new lingerie designer preparing for her first big fashion show. She expects to take the fashion world by storm. Then here comes a former hot designer. It isn't until after he beds her that she discovers that he A, has a regular girlfriend, B, has hired a model to steal her designs, and C, is also sleeping with the model. Girlfriend Leah Riley teams up with her to get even with the model, Jezabelle Bond, and the sleazy ex designer. They also enlist the aid of a single, cute police lieutenant. Sorry for the spoilers here, but I am sure you can pretty much write the entire plot in detail from here on your own.

All three women show breasts in this version. Every time they are about to show more, there is an awkward jump cut. As a result of the cuts, they couldn't even try to synch sound other than actual lines. Moans of ecstasy don't match lip movements. Seven people have given this a 5.2 at IMDB, but this may be for the cable version. They did manage to light scenes and keep the camera in focus, which counts for something. This DVD version is a D-, there was no earthly reason to release it, and even less to watch it.

Best nude scenes, 2003

• The numerical results of the Best Nude Scene Balloting. There wasn't any sense keeping the balloting going. It was a runaway. Nobody was near Christina Ricci for first (she had as many votes as the next three added together), and nobody else was near Charlotte Ross for second (she had as many votes as the next two added together).
• Therefore, I got to the important thing: The pictorial summary of the results

Romance (1999)

TomKru took a good look at the French film which made some breakthroughs in explicitness, to the point where it actually co-starred a porn actor (Rocco Siffredi).

• Thumbnails (1, 2)
• Caroline Ducey (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18)
• Anonymous (1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

OTHER CRAP:

• On this page you will find links to the previous years' (1999-2002) lists of "best nude scenes", as well as other polls and articles.
• The main reason why bullfighters should have a minimum height requirement.
• Mexican pop star Gloria Trevi has declared herself on a hunger strike in jail, where she is awaiting trial on charges of corrupting and abusing minors.
• Barely two years after actor turned president Joseph Estrada was deposed, the Philippines seems poised to elect another screen celebrity.
• New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner collapsed at a memorial service for football great Otto Graham on Saturday and was hospitalized.
• Superhero Hype has done a major update. Check out Jessica Biel in Blade 3 - she looks - incredible.
• By the time you read this, Return of the King will have passed $200 million.
• Ex-Talking Head Makes PowerPoint Art: "David Byrne, an accomplished composer, photographer and lead singer of Talking Heads, has evolved — some would say devolved — into an unlikely artistic medium: PowerPoint."
• Democratic nomination sealed: Hootie and the Blowfish endorse Edwards
• MADONNA is to play a fairy godmother in the movie version of her first children's book.
• Saying Farewell to Entertainment Greats who checked out of the Life Hotel in 2003
• A former Playboy Playmate is now the Mother Teresa of Haiti.
• Unnecessary sign #1
• The Racist Tapestry of Lord of the Rings! Awesome! One of the most irrational rants in the history of human thought.
• Need a late Christmas present? Get a lifesize Shaq bobblehead. Now slashed to a post-Christmas price of $25,000.
• Democratic presidential candidate Howard Dean said he wants Osama bin Laden to get the death penalty, seeking to minimize fallout from a New Hampshire newspaper story in which he was quoted as saying the terror leader's guilt should not be prejudged.  Dean is like The Amazing Kreskin of politics. "Ladies and gentlemen, just imagine what you believe. Is it fixed in your head? Well, that is my very position. Thank you."
• 'Cold Mountain' and "English Patient' director Minghella says he's no romantic. {cough} bullshit {cough}. Then I guess he just writes and directs this kind of crap for the money?
• Excellent, sexy French commercial for Ice Cream. No chance of this running in the States.
• Funny Danish commercial for an escort service. (Oh, those wacky Europeans.)
• Here is the trailer for Head in the Clouds. Directed by John Duigan (Sirens), it stars Penelope Cruz and Charlize Theron.
• Teaser/trailer for .:: TWENTYNINE PALMS ::.
• Awesome full-screen trailer from the new Disney/Pixar film, The Incredibles.
• The trailer for Zhou Yu's Train is online. Fatalistic, romantic, arty, film from Sun Zhou. Beautiful trailer, if you like that kind of thing.
• The trailer for The Hebrew Hammer is now online. It's a film inspired by the original Shaft. I laughed quite a bit!
• Here is the trailer for Twisted - a new crime thriller starring the inimitable Samuel L and Ashley Judd. This film is helmed by one of my favorite mainstream directors, Phil Kaufman. All of Kaufman's recent films are brainy and stylishly erotic in very different ways (Quills, Henry and June, Rising Sun, The Unbearable Lightness of Being). Unfortunately, this one looks like a routine Hollywood formula picture, at least based upon the trailer. The full screen trailer is 29 meg, so be prepared for an appropriate download time.
• The three brides of Dracula from Van Helsing.
• The Japanese trailer is now up for Kill Bill Vol.2. It isn't an especially good trailer except for the music, but it's there.
• Who was the biggest newsmaker in international sports in 2003??
• Duct Tape Clothing, fashion, wallets, purses, and more!
• Bock beer labels and a homonym gone awry.

Other crap archives. May also include newer material than the ones above, since it's sorta in real time.

Click here to submit a URL for inclusion in Other Crap

MOVIE REVIEWS:

Here are the latest movie reviews available at scoopy.com.

• The yellow asterisks indicate that I wrote the review, and am deluded into thinking it includes humor.
• If there is a white asterisk, it means that there isn't any significant humor, but I inexplicably determined there might be something else of interest.
• A blue asterisk indicates the review is written by Tuna (or Lawdog or Junior or C2000 or Realist or ICMS or Mick Locke, or somebody else besides me)
• If there is no asterisk, I wrote it, but am too ashamed to admit it.

Now some R-rated stuff:

"Little Witches" (1996)
Sabrina the Teenage Witch meets Showgirls. Mimi Rose (aka Mimi Reichmeister) plays the goody two shoes but the school slut played by Sheeri Rappaport steals the movie by frequently taking off her clothes. It was also Clea Duvall's first movie who at the time was an 18 year old waitress working at a coffee house.

The highlight of the movie is the coven ceremony led by Sheeri where Clea, Lalaneya Hamilton, Zoe Alexander, and Melissa Taub take off all their clothes. In particular there are some up close and personal butt shots of Clea and Lalaneya (Clea's is more flabby). There were several full-frontal scenes by these two but the filmmakers were careful to make sure no pubic hair was shown. Both Lalaneya and Clea regreted doing the movie and Lalaneya hasn't acted since.

The DVD is out of print and is in hot demand on eBay because it contains Clea's only nude scene before she became famous.

• Sheeri Rappaport: boobs and butt. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6)
• Mimi Rose: pokies only.
• Clea DuVall: topless, full dorsal.
• Lalaneya Hamilton: full dorsal, near full frontal.
• Zoe Alexander: full dorsal, boobs.
• Melissa 'Tubby' Taub: Miss Piggy is topless, full (ugh) dorsal.
• Group shot: no nudity. Which witch is which?
• Coven scene: girls performing witch ceremony in the buff. (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)

"Something About Sex" (1998) (aka Denial)
Romantic comedy featuring a number of television actresses in the buff: Leah Lail (V.I.P.), Amy Yasbeck (Wings) Hudson Leick (Xena/Melrose Place).

The DVD is also out of print and is another hot item on eBay.

• Leah Lail: distant topless, pokies.
• Amy Yasbeck: major pokies, nipples visible though very shear dress.
• Hudson Leick: topless love scene.
• Shawnee Free-Jones: buns, topless love scene.

"The Hunger: Vampires"
Probably the hottest collection of Hunger episodes. However the DVD has minus-zero features and just plays the four episodes straight with no option to select any individual episode.

• Celine Bonnier: full frontal and gynocam in episode "Necros".
• Isabelle Cyr: topless in episode "A Matter of Style".
• Claudia Besso: cleavage in episode "A Matter of Style".
• Kim Feeny: full nudity but no pubes in in episode "Fly By Night".
• Sofia Shinas: boobs and butt (possible body double) in episode "Footsteps".

Laura Hudspeth
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5)

The breakdown:
links 1-4 from "Kronos" aka "Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter" (1973)
link #5 scenes from "Starcrash" (1979)
links 6-8 from "The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" (1974)
links 9-10 feature scenes from "At the Earth's Core" (1976)

Michelle Bauer
(1, 2, 3)

Dawn Wildsmith
(1, 2)

Eva Robins
(1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10)